Master Apprentice  Archive |
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continued from second part ...
Obi-Wan's next briefing was in person. He, himself, in front of the Jedi Council. His stomach was in knots and the feelings he had so ruthlessly pushed aside were boiling inside of him. When he had left Coruscant six months earlier, he had done so without speaking to Qui-Gon. He wouldn't have had the strength to leave if he saw his love again, so he sent him a brief communique explaining his actions. It was cowardly and wrong to do this to Qui-Gon, but there was no other way.
The sound-only recording had said, "Qui-Gon, you deserve to be told this in person, but I could not bring myself to do that. I have accepted a mission that will take me away from Coruscant for several months. I love you. I will always love you."
It had grieved Obi-Wan to send that message, but it had nearly destroyed Qui-Gon to receive it. He had raced to the landing platform to intercept Obi-Wan, but it had been too late. The knight had deftly programmed the message to be sent an hour after his transport left. And now, six months later, he was back, and standing before him, before the entire Council.
Obi-Wan looked thinner, and his eyes were circled in dark shadows of fatigue and inner turmoil. The last time he had been in this chamber, he was on his knees pleasuring the man who would be his lifemate.
Qui-Gon's heart bled for him, and he desperately wanted to take the young man into his arms, but it was not to be. The decision had been made by Obi-Wan to simply separate himself from both of his lovers. Under the circumstances, it was probably the most judicious decision. It made no one the victor, and even saved Qui-Gon from a severe reprimand by the Council for his actions.
"Knight Kenobi, welcome," Master Yoda greeted.
"Masters," Obi-Wan said and bowed deeply. He was tired, so tired, and would have gladly skipped this meeting to find his new quarters and sleep for the next three days.
"You have been away from Coruscant for two quarters. It is good to have you home," Master Kloon added.
Obi-Wan bowed to the master, and then began his report. He had been entangled in a vicious war of succession near the outer rim. It was a situation the Council was aware of and had sent a team of Jedi to support him in, but this was the first full report they had heard. It took nearly two hours for the knight to relay all the details of the conflict, which though resolved, he felt could erupt into war again.
He was even more exhausted by the time he had finished his report, and was glad to finally be excused. He hadn't gotten more than fifty meters from the Council chambers when he was confronted by Qui-Gon. This meeting had been expected, but dreaded, because he was too tired and disillusioned to deal with his broken lover.
"Master Jinn," Obi-Wan said, politely, if not a little curtly.
Qui-Gon blinked at the knight's tone. Was this the same young man who had vowed to always love him? "Knight Kenobi. It's been a long time."
Obi-Wan gave a low chuckle. "I seem to remember you saying that to me one other time..." His tired mind flashed on Qui-Gon, magnificently naked and aroused, kneeling before him in their lovemaking. He sobbed aloud at the memory.
"Are you all right, Obi-Wan?"
"No, I'm not all right," he answered, with more edge than before.
"Perhaps you should speak with the healers."
"Ha! That's what got me into this mess," he turned abruptly and began to walk away from Qui-Gon.
"Obi-Wan, please."
The young man stopped. Tears were stinging at the corners of his eyes, and he felt himself faltering. He loved this man with every cell of his body, but it had to stop. The pain had to stop. // Please, go away.//
Qui-Gon was surprised by the sent command. Their bond had been left dormant for six months, and yet they could still communicate this way. // Obi-Wan, I love you. That hasn't changed. It won't change.//
The young man turned a fierce gaze to Qui-Gon. His eyes were nearly red with animosity. "It doesn't matter. Don't you get it? We can't be together. My master was right. He knew I'd be alone, just like him."
"But there has to be a way. The Force would never bring two people together..."
"The Force is only a guide. We chose wrong, Qui-Gon. It was wrong. We were wrong.
Look where it's led. Do you honestly think this is what the Force had in mind?"
He turned with a whirl of his robe and headed down the hallway to his new quarters.
He slept for nearly two days. And thankfully no one disturbed him. Not even his persistent lover Qui-Gon Jinn. He padded out into the common room. The quarters were sterile, and void of any Force signature. They hadn't been used in years. Single knight's quarters were not in demand since most Jedi requested larger quarters to accommodate padawans and bondmates. He had laughed when the ordnance master became flustered by the request.
That week Obi-Wan returned to his normal routine at the Temple; saber drills, meditation, and time with his friends... excluding Qui-Gon. Avoiding Qui-Gon had not been easy for either of them. They loved each other. It was apparent to them and to everyone in the Temple, but Obi-Wan's pairbonding made that a moot point. So, Obi-Wan had to be strong and did everything in his power to keep from seeing Qui-Gon. He had his food sent to his quarters, he woke before dawn to meditate in their favorite spot in the gardens---where he could quietly indulge and torture himself in Qui-Gon's Force signature---and he talked the training master into allowing him to practice in the training hall after hours.
It was during one of these late night spars with his good friend Knight T'mar that Obi-Wan's life crashed in on itself. He was challenging T'mar with his usual focus, dancing around his opponent with stunning grace, when he became off-balanced, and then collapsed in pain. Since no one was in the training hall at that hour, T'mar carried Obi-Wan's unconscious body to the Healers Dome. And then sent for Qui-Gon.
"Tell me exactly what happened," Qui-Gon said as he met with T'mar outside the room where Obi-Wan was resting.
"We were about half way through our spar, when he began to complain of a discomfort... no, more of a disturbance."
"A disturbance in the Force?"
"I don't know. It wasn't three minutes later and he was dropping to his knees screaming in agony, and then he blacked out."
"Knight Runalt," Qui-Gon said in a near whisper.
"You think something's happened to Aleki?"
"Did you see any cause for his pain?"
"Nothing."
"Then it's my guess that Aleki's been injured and Obi-Wan felt his distress through their bond."
"But he shouldn't be able to feel that at such a great distance," T'mar said, and felt Qui-Gon's concern. Pairbonds didn't usually sense each other across the galaxy.
Qui-Gon and T'mar kept vigil over Obi-Wan. Two days into their ritual he was conscious again, but agitated as though he wasn't comfortable in his own skin. He spoke only to answer 'yes' or 'no' to direct questions and did not seem entirely pleased to have visitors, but Qui-Gon and T'mar were determined to stay with him.
And then Yoda came for a visit. "Good to see you awake it is," he said, patting the knight's hand.
Obi-Wan opened his heavy eyelids to look at the old master. "Thank you," he said, honoring Yoda with the most words he had spoken in days.
"Sad news I bring you from Sector IV."
Qui-Gon straightened in his chair, instinctively sensing what Yoda was about to tell Obi-Wan.
"Knight Runalt..." Yoda began.
"Is dead," Obi-Wan cut-in.
"One with the Force he is, Obi-Wan. His ship attacked. Knight Runalt and several of the crew killed."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes for a long moment, his lower lip quivering. But he put on a brave face and returned his gaze to Yoda. "I felt the attack. He suffered..."
"Sent you a message he did," Yoda said handing Obi-Wan a datapad. "Stored in the ship's computers... meant to send it, he did, but was unable."
Obi-Wan raised himself onto his elbows, holding the pad shakily in his hands. "This is weeks old," he commented.
"Dangerous his mission. Unable to send or receive transmissions."
Obi-Wan nodded and then read the message silently.
** Obi, we haven't spoken in so long that I don't know where to begin. Hello, I guess. I waited for you for over a month and then got tired of it and accepted my own mission. One thing led to another and now I'm moving onto another. You know how it is.
I'm sorry things didn't get settled between us. Maybe you'll be ready to talk when we're both back on Coruscant. I still love you and want to find a solution that works for both of us. If that's possible.
Since I haven't heard from you, I'm assuming you still need time apart. But I had a chance to write and thought I'd better. I'm heading into a particularly dangerous zone and don't know when I'll have a chance to communicate again.
I think of you often and will always love you. Aleki.**
The datapad fell from Obi-Wan's hands and clattered on the floor. He collapsed back on the bed. His hands quickly covering his face in distress.
"Leave him we should," Yoda murmured to Qui-Gon and they left Obi-Wan to his grief.
Qui-Gon did not go far. He knew how the thought of being alone had plagued Obi-Wan's life, and it didn't seem right to make him grieve in solitude. But just as he was about to go back into the knight's room, the healers returned to examine him. After a short time one sadly informed Qui-Gon that Obi-Wan had become catatonic.
Qui-Gon slipped into the room. Obi-Wan lay on the bed with his eyes open and fixed blankly on the far wall.
"Obi-Wan. Speak to me," Qui-Gon said, but the young man didn't even blink.
The healers pushed Qui-Gon outside again and closed the door behind them. No one updated him on the young man's condition or spoke to him until the next day. A very serious looking Master Liton then explained the situation.
"His catatonic state is due to several factors. He is suffering from the passing of his bondmate, which is complicated by the fact that their bond was suddenly and painfully severed. We've done all we can to alleviate the distress."
Qui-Gon nodded. "Of course."
"The separation had been particularly painful and complicated because of the knight's violent end, but also because their bond had been suffering previous to that." The healer did not try to hide his feelings that he held Qui-Gon partially responsible for Obi-Wan's current state of mind. But then he softened, knowing that Qui-Gon might also be the only hope the young knight had for recovery. "The remains of your bond with Knight Kenobi are still present. But since your bond was not completely formed, and the knight seemed to be in the process of letting it die, there is not much of it left."
Qui-Gon shivered at the healer's last comment. So, Obi-Wan had taken their separation that far? He was letting their love die... He fought for composure in front of the other man.
"What can I do?" Qui-Gon asked steadily.
"Despite the precarious nature of your bond, you are the closest one to him. I believe it will help him to have you at his side. Sit with him, Qui-Gon. Talk to him."
Now the healer sounded sympathetic, almost tender, and Qui-Gon breathed a little easier.
"Of course. Whatever it takes to have Obi-Wan well," Qui-Gon said and slipped back into the room.
He spent most of the next several days at Obi-Wan's side. Holding his hand, and talking about everything from politics to the flowers blossoming in their favorite part of the garden. Obi-Wan's breathing was steady, always steady, and he occasionally blinked, but other than that he did not move or speak.
Returning from a Council meeting to spend more time with Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon bumped
into Healer Liton.
"Knight Runalt's body is returning to Coruscant today. There will be a memorial service and I want you there with Knight Kenobi," the healer told him.
"Do you think that's wise?"
"I'm hoping it will shock Obi-Wan into facing his grief over the loss of his bondmate. Then his healing will truly begin."
That evening the funeral pyre burned for Knight Aleki Runalt. The knight's ship had been boarded forcefully by marauders during a particularly difficult mission to Zel IV. He and several of his crew had been killed by close range blaster fire. The once beautiful youth and talented Jedi now lay scorched and disfigured from his mortal wounds as the funeral pyre was lit.
Many Jedi were in attendance, including the Council, and Obi-Wan Kenobi. The healers had dressed him in his full Jedi uniform and robe, but he was too weak to stand on his own, so Qui-Gon supported him with an arm around his waist. It was good to feel the young man's weight against him, but his spirit was still distant.
With his hood drawn around his face, it was impossible to see Obi-Wan's reaction to the ceremony. But Qui-Gon could feel it. Feel it through their fading bond, and feel it in the sagging weight of his body. The young man was crumpling under his grief. The healers had been right; seeing Aleki's lifeless form had made his passing real. Qui-Gon held him as long as he could, and then before the flames had died he was forced to remove Obi-Wan from the ceremonial chamber. The young man was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.
The knight slipped from Qui-Gon's grasp and slumped to the floor to lay in fetal position. His grief was now apparent, but when Master Healer Liton moved to kneel to console the knight, Qui-Gon pushed him aside and nearly growled. The healer backed away cautiously watching as the Jedi master laid his hands on Obi-Wan's tight form.
// My Obi-Wan. This pain will pass.//
// Hurts.//
The mental response surprised Qui-Gon. Even though Obi-Wan had spoken to him this way when he first returned to the Temple, the Jedi master had heard nothing substantial from him verbal or mental--- since his illness. It seemed their bond was still strong enough to speak mind-to-mind. But in this mental speak, Qui-Gon was also privileged to the pain.
// Yes, Obi-Wan. Let it go.//
// Aleki... my fault.//
// No, he chose this mission. He knew the risks.//
// He chose it because of me...//
The sobs were louder now. Qui-Gon rubbed the young man's back with his hands. Obi-Wan was in no condition to hear logical arguments, so Qui-Gon continued to just support his grief.
// Give it time, Obi-Wan. You will come through this.//
Over the next four weeks, Obi-Wan went from disabling, sobbing grief, to outright physical rage. It took the resources of three healers, and Qui-Gon, to keep the young man under control. The healers kept telling Qui-Gon that the rage was good. He was healing. But Qui-Gon had a hard time believing that Obi-Wan would come out of this ordeal whole.
When Obi-Wan finally calmed, almost back into a catatonic denial of his loss, he insisted on being allowed to sit in the gardens. Qui-Gon accompanied him as much as possible, but despite the peaceful surroundings, the experience was far from pleasant. Obi-Wan was still unsettled, mostly silent, and only a shell of what he had been once.
Finally, after several more days of near silence, and emotionless gazes, Obi-Wan began to speak. A group of young Initiates had come into the garden and were giggling and playing happily. It was as if a door on his mind had been opened and he began to rattle off hazy memories of his own childhood. Qui-Gon was thrilled and listened intently.
"Did I ever tell you that I saw him once?" Obi-Wan asked, almost sounding like a child.
"Whom did you see?" Qui-Gon asked politely, taking in Obi-Wan's pale, weak appearance, but still finding him extraordinarily beautiful.
"My knight. The teacher I had dreamed of. I was ten and not nearly ready to be anyone's apprentice, but I saw him then."
"What was he like?" Qui-Gon continued, not sure if this remembrance was fantasy or fact.
"Oh, I've long since forgotten his face, but he was as majestic as any planetary ruler. No, more so. And his eyes... his eyes were kind," Obi-Wan said, smiling.
Qui-Gon wanted to cry at this "memory." But it seemed to please Obi-Wan, even alleviate his depression. Qui-Gon remembered back 16 years, to when Obi-Wan would have been ten.
// Thirty-nine.// Qui-Gon thought.
"Hmm?" Obi-Wan asked.
"I was thinking that when you were ten I was thirty-nine," Qui-Gon's eyes narrowed as a memory came to him. "I always enjoyed watching the children play in the garden. Full of energy and hope for the future."
"That's where I saw him. In the garden," Obi-Wan's eyes brightened again with the memory. "He was so tall. So noble."
Qui-Gon sat back in his chair. He had an uneasy feeling about this conversation.
Something was not right about this memory. Something oddly connected. And the Force was thrumming in his ears as if trying to tune a fine instrument so that it might be heard properly.
Qui-Gon pursued the memory with Obi-Wan. "I recall being in the garden watching the children with some of the other masters. In fact... your master, Master Mulan was there once."
"Master Mulan often told me how he'd watched me for years."
Qui-Gon's eyes widened. Had Master Mulan known for years that he would ask Obi-
Wan to become his apprentice? That was very unusual. Knights and masters generally didn't focus on the Initiates in that way, barely having opportunity to observe the children even during scheduled visits.
In this vein, Qui-Gon remembered how he too had been drawn to one of the Initiates many years ago, but it was during a time in his life when he wasn't prepared to take another apprentice. He had returned a couple of years later only to find that the boy was no longer at the Temple. He never knew his name.
With Obi-Wan resting quietly again, Qui-Gon began considering his own missed opportunity--- the lost Padawan. He hadn't thought of the boy in many years, but with Obi-Wan's strange obsession with his own lost knight, Qui-Gon's curiosity was renewed.
Knight T'mar took over the vigil, and Qui-Gon kissed Obi-Wan's forehead and whispered gently, "Rest my Obi-Wan. Rest and heal so that we may be together again."
Qui-Gon went immediately to Master Yoda's quarters.
"Master, I have a question. I know it's standard procedure for the Initiates to be monitored in order to better guide their training. Are any of those recordings available for review?"
"Interested in taking another apprentice, Qui-Gon?"
"No, my master. I'm interested in the apprentice who got away."
"Hmm?"
"I'll explain when I know more myself. Now, are the records available?"
"Request them Council members may. But millions of recordings exist. Difficult to find what you seek."
"I believe I can narrow my search to just a few months."
"Then hope you find your missing Padawan I do."
Qui-Gon spent the next several days going between the Archives and the gardens to see Obi-Wan. In the Archives, Qui-Gon found solitude and frustration. He enjoyed being alone, away from the accusatory glares of the healers and the sadness of Obi-Wan. But he was frustrated at the slow pace of progress. The Initiates' records were vast, as Yoda had warned, but Qui-Gon felt sure that he would find his missing Padawan this way.
The recordings were catalogued by date and not by the names of those present. Had he been able to review only the recordings in which he appeared, it would have cut hours off his search. Late one evening Qui-Gon viewed a recording that struck a nerve in him. The images were similar to so many he had already breezed past, but this time he felt he should let the recording run at normal speed.
The angle at which the recordings were made didn't always make visual identification easy, but it was probably sufficient for the masters who worked with the Initiates. Then he spotted himself in the garden as he had remembered. He laughed mildly at his youthful appearance. Master Mulan was there too. This looked very promising... But how would he know if his missing Padawan was among the many Initiates rough housing in the background? He would let the Force guide him. And guide him it did until his eyes fell onto one boy.
He was a gangling, somewhat awkward youth with sandy blond hair, but he could not see his face clearly. Qui-Gon smiled as his feelings re-emerged in his conscious memory. Oh yes, the Force had been strong in this little one. But even though he had been strongly drawn to the boy, the timing was not right, for either of them. The Initiate was too young and Qui-Gon was not ready to take another Padawan. He left that day hoping the Force would find a way to bring them together. It did not. Two and a half years later when Qui-Gon returned and thought to look for the boy, he was gone. The Force had put him out of reach. So, he let him go... Until now.
Why after so many years had it become imperative to discover the boy's identity? He didn't know, but he was being driven to find the answer.
Qui-Gon ejected the small silver disk from the comm panel and took it straight to the Initiates quarters on the other side of the Temple. It was late, past bedtime for the children, but the head master was still busy with administrative work in his office.
"Master Jinn, it's an honor to see you here," Master Inton greeted.
"Thank you, Master. I wish I could say I came to chat and see how things are going, but I haven't. I need your help in a personal matter."
"Anything."
"You've been head master of the Initiates for what... thirty years now?"
"Yes, that's correct."
"Do you think you could identify one of your former students by sight?"
"Yes, I believe I can."
Qui-Gon handed him the disk. "Look at this, please."
Inton wasted no time in pulling the record up on his monitor. Qui-Gon had cued the recording to begin several seconds before the boy's appearance.
"There. Stop there. I need you to tell me who that is."
"Why he was one of my brightest. I'd recognize him anywhere."
"Yes..." Qui-Gon encouraged.
"He's Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Qui-Gon stumbled back into a chair, reeling from the identification. "Are you absolutely sure?" he asked, as his heart hammered in his chest.
"There's no mistaking him. Granted he's lost his impishness since then, but not his charm," the master smiled. "Oh, I was sorry to hear about Knight Runalt."
Qui-Gon was spinning from the news, and barely registering anything the master was telling him. After all these years he was being drawn back to this same boy. His "missing" padawan had grown into an accomplished and handsome knight.
"I said, I was sorry about Knight Runalt. Do you know how Obi-Wan is handling it?"
"Not well," Qui-Gon managed.
"Expected as much. He was always so loyal... You don't look so good yourself, Master Jinn. Can I get you some tea?"
"No, thank you. Just the disk please."
Qui-Gon couldn't remember how he got from the Initiates quarters back to the main Temple. The last thing he recalled was Master Inton offering him some tea. And now he stood in front of Yoda's quarters. That made sense. Surely Yoda would have some wisdom for him.
"Hmm. Knight Kenobi your missing Padawan is," Yoda agreed, after viewing the
recording and hearing of Inton's identification. "Thought this might happen, I did."
"Master?"
"Saw your Force signatures blend I did."
"Blend? You mean in the Council chambers?"
"Yes, but also sixteen years ago... in that very garden."
"And you said nothing?"
"Nothing to say. Let the Force speak."
"And it did, but I wasn't ready," Qui-Gon said, lowering his head in shame.
"Ready now you are, Qui-Gon. The Force brings you together now," Yoda explained and then hobbled over to a small box set unobtrusively under a desk. "Time to give you this, yes."
"What is it, my Master?"
"Only the giver is known... Master Mulan."
"Mulan?"
"Told me to give this should Qui-Gon Jinn ask questions about Obi-Wan Kenobi."
That was an odd request, since Qui-Gon and Mulan hardly knew each other. Qui-Gon looked into the box. Another small disk.
"Watch that you should with Obi-Wan. Accept you into his life again he may."
"If only that were true," Qui-Gon grieved. Obi-Wan had drifted so far from him.
"Listen to the Force you should, Qui-Gon. Led you to him once... twice."
"Yes, Master," Qui-Gon bowed and left to find his Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan had been released from the healers' care to continue his convalescence on his own. Qui-Gon did not know where the knight's new quarters were, but he sensed in their bond that the young man was meditating in the gardens.
"Obi-Wan, I must speak with you," Qui-Gon said quietly, as he approached, interrupting the knight's meditation.
"Please... you must give me my peace, Qui-Gon," the young knight said as he opened his eyes and looked up at the master. "I am still grieving."
Qui-Gon was a little dismayed at the new terseness of their relationship. It seemed the closer Obi-Wan came to getting his life back in order the more irritated he became with Qui-Gon.
"The news I bring affects you."
"It can wait," Obi-Wan said and stood, pulling his light brown robe back on.
"Please Obi-Wan, this disk is a message for us from your master." He opened the box revealing the small silver disk inside.
"A message for us? How is that possible?"
"I don't know, but it may have something to do with *you* being my missing Padawan."
"What?" The surprise was more than evident on his face. His lovely gray-green eyes opening wide as he tried to see the trick in Qui-Gon's words.
"The story of your knight reminded me of a boy I saw once, many years ago here in the gardens. His Force signature was strong and I was immediately drawn to him... but he was too young to be an apprentice, and I was not prepared to take one just then."
"I was too young when I saw my knight..." Obi-Wan's mind clicked into what Qui-Gon was trying to say. "The Initiate... you never saw him again?"
"No. When I returned several years later he had already been accepted by another master."
Obi-Wan's eyes grew even wider realizing Qui-Gon was serious about this. "That boy was..."
"You, Obi-Wan. He was you. The Force was drawing us together even then. But I have a feeling this disk holds more answers."
Obi-Wan pulled his hands inside his robe sleeves. "Then let's have a look."
The pair went to the Archives, neutral territory and found a quiet terminal to view Mulan's message. The three-dimensional image of the master appeared in miniature before them. He was obviously already suffering from his terminal illness when he made the recording.
"Greetings Qui-Gon Jinn... and I assume that Obi-Wan is with you, so greetings to you as well, Padawan," the master bowed slightly. "I'll get straight to the point, since the only reason you're viewing this is because you've found each other at last and have asked Yoda for help. Qui-Gon, we were not very well acquainted, but I was well aware of your reputation... or should I say your legend. Yes, even I was not immune to the fantastic stories of Qui-Gon Jinn."
Mulan was grinning as he recounted this, but then he became more serious. "It so happened that you and I were in the gardens the same day while visiting Coruscant. One of the few times I ever had the pleasure to speak with you. But that day you were distracted. It didn't take much deduction on my part to find the source of that distraction... one very young Initiate named Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Obi-Wan visibly stiffened on hearing his name.
"I watched the youth to see what the great Master Jinn saw in him. I thought he must be extraordinary for you to be so interested. But as it turned out, you were unprepared to take a Padawan."
Obi-Wan stopped the recording. "I don't want to hear anymore," he said flatly.
"You shouldn't fear the truth, Obi-Wan."
The knight rolled his eyes... something he would've never done in response to a master, but his and Qui-Gon's relationship had broken down so far that he didn't care. "What good is the truth now?"
"It will heal you."
"The only thing that would heal me is for Aleki to walk through that door right now," he said and stood to leave.
That stung Qui-Gon, but he grabbed Obi-Wan's arm to stop him. "Sit down. This message is as much for you as it is for me."
There was a stalemate for a long moment, as the two men looked hard into each other's eyes. A faint flicker of the love they had shared shone there, but also fear and pain. With great effort Obi-Wan pushed down that fear and pain long enough to sit and allow Qui-Gon to resume the recording.
"I watched Obi-Wan for two years. Whenever I was on Coruscant I arranged to visit the Initiates during their morning exercises. Over time I grew to understand what you, Master Jinn, had seen in him. So I asked him to be my apprentice."
There was a long pause in the recording while Mulan closed his eyes and seemed to be meditating. "I am sorry now and know that my actions were selfish and prideful. You had chosen Obi-Wan and I thought to have the glory of Jinn's chosen Padawan. Obi-Wan, I am especially sorry for what this did to you... you always felt incomplete. You were meant to be with Qui-Gon Jinn. You were meant to complete each other and I prevented that from happening. I don't expect you to forgive me, but please know that I regret my behavior... I loved you."
Obi-Wan stared at the monitor as the message ended and faded. In tear-choked words he managed, "You... are my knight," and he turned his eyes on Qui-Gon. "You," his face constricted with the pain of the realization, and tears fell easily down his cheeks.
"Yes, Obi-Wan. And you are my Padawan," Qui-Gon responded as he dared to pull Obi-Wan to him and wrap his arms around him. "We've found each other, Obi-Wan. We can begin again."
Obi-Wan returned the embrace briefly, and then pulled back. "This is... too much." He felt lightheaded, overwhelmed by the news.
"You've been through a lot..."
Obi-Wan was shaking his head now. "No."
Master Mulan's admission of deceit and love tore at his already frayed emotions. He couldn't be with Qui-Gon now. Not like this. He stood to leave. "I need time alone."
"Perhaps we should meditate together," Qui-Gon said, not embarrassed by his eagerness to be reunited with his young lover.
Obi-Wan just shook his head again, and quietly left the Archives.
Obi-Wan was at a loss at how to deal with the events of the last months. He had gone from being mostly happily bonded to Aleki, to being desperately in love with Qui-Gon, and then having them both torn away from him in grief and temporary madness. Now, as his sanity had nearly been restored he was told that Qui-Gon was the knight he had dreamed of all those years ago, and that his own master had maneuvered him out of Qui-Gon's reach.
He was sickened. His life had been a lie. He had been controlled and manipulated by his own master. And now he had to find some peace in that knowledge. Meditate on forgiveness and begin again. He would isolate himself in his quarters to heal the very deep wounds of his life. Then, and only then, could he approach Qui-Gon in the hope that they could truly bond.
The isolation lasted six weeks. Obi-Wan's only outside contacts were brief messages to Master Liton to assure the healer of his well being. Even his food was delivered by service droids in order to maintain the strict separation. It was the most liberating and frightening time of his life. And fortunately, his fellow Jedi respected his need to be alone, which was a good thing since he had let his appearance go. His hair had grown much longer, well past his shoulders, and a full red beard now hid his smooth, handsome face. His routine had simply come down to meditation, a few hours sleep, eating, stretching exercises, and showers.
Toward the end of the sixth week, Obi-Wan was in a particularly deep meditation when familiar images began to swirl in his mind. Images of him and Aleki, newly bonded, faded in and out and his heart felt soothed of the ache that had gripped him for so long. He remembered their happiness and their plans for a long future together.
"Obi."
Obi-Wan, still deep in his trance, tilted his head slightly. Had he just heard a voice speak to him?
"Obi-Wan."
That voice. It vibrated in his ears like a ceremonial gong. It was familiar and filled with love, but as soon as he'd heard it the innocent images in his mind had gone blank.
"I knew you would always love me," the voice said.
"Aleki?" Obi-Wan asked, blinking his eyes open. The room glowed silvery-blue. "Aleki? Love?" he asked, cautiously scanning his quarters.
Visitations were not unheard of among the Jedi, but Obi-Wan had only ever read about them in the annals. He never thought he would experience an apparition himself. And yet, here he was, kneeling on his meditation mat, wearing only his sleep pants, and the ghost of his lover was materializing before him.
Aleki looked magnificent. Shimmering blue. Tunics and robe draped perfectly over his sleek form, his body whole and unscarred.
Obi-Wan sobbed at the sight of him. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, half in shock.
"No, Obi. We both made choices... no one's to blame."
"How can you say that? I hurt you."
"In the moment, yes, but looking back I see only our happiness together."
Obi-Wan began to cry. "We were happy... once," he said and tried to smile through his tears.
"Yes, once. And now you must move on. You've grieved long enough... for me, for him."
"Him?"
"Your grief for me ended long ago. Now you only grieve for the love you think you've lost in Qui-Gon. Oh, Obi-Wan if only you could see how beautiful your bond to him will be. I can see it. The Force has revealed all to me... you must complete your lifebond with Qui-Gon Jinn. You were meant to be with him. Our time together was only meant to be temporary until you could find each other. The Force has great plans for the two of you."
"But you and I never resolved our bond..."
"Our bond ended with my death, and you must no longer isolate yourself from other Jedi. It is not healthy, Obi-Wan. They need you... he needs you."
"If only that were true."
The ghost of Aleki Runalt moved closer and reached a hand out to caress Obi-Wan's cheek though there was no sensation of touch. "It is true, Obi. As surely as I will always love you, I know that the Force meant for you to be with Qui-Gon."
The image of Aleki began to fade as he withdrew his hand. Obi-Wan tried to grab hold of him, but his hands passed through the blue vision feeling only a slight friction as they did.
"Please, Aleki. Stay. I miss you," Obi-Wan pleaded.
"And I miss you. We will see each other again and until then know that I am happy and that I want you to be happy, too. I give my blessing on your new bond."
With that the vision vanished, and Obi-Wan fell forward to the floor as he reached to embrace his lost love. Though he had loved Aleki it was not the same kind of love he felt for Qui-Gon. He had always wondered why he couldn't love him more, but now he knew. It was because he was meant for another.
He lay prostrate the rest of the night.
When he woke the next morning his muscles were stiff. He sat up and looked around the room; the memory of the visit flooding him. Had Aleki really been there? Had he told him that his bond to Qui-Gon was meant to be?
"Yes," he said, running his hands through his long, tangled hair.
It was the answer he was searching for. Aleki had come through for him, had relieved him of his guilt and given him a purpose again. He would go back to Qui-Gon now with the intention of completing their lifebond.
Thoughts of Qui-Gon made him ache for the man again. He had missed him, but would Qui-Gon believe that? Obi-Wan had done nothing but avoid him and barely tolerate him for the last eight months. Even so, Qui-Gon had stayed by his side, gently and consistently urging him back to health. And how did I repay him, Obi-Wan wondered. He had pushed him away once again. It would be different now. Now that he was whole again he could see his deep love for Qui-Gon clearly. As clearly as he had the day in the Council chambers...
It took Obi-Wan nearly an hour to make himself presentable again. He showered and shaved off his thick beard. As he emerged from his quarters wearing a fresh uniform and finely polished boots, he immediately gained the stares of passing Jedi. His hair was much longer, held back now in a loose ponytail, but other than that his physical appearance hadn't changed.
Maybe they sense the peace I have found, he thought and with a determined stride he moved through the Temple to find Qui-Gon. But would the Jedi master still be interested in a bond? With Aleki's blessing ringing in his ears, Obi-Wan followed his heart to the dining hall to find his lifemate.
When the knight appeared in the hall, all eyes turned to him. Everyone in the Temple knew of the events of the last two-quarters. Painfully aware, as far as Obi-Wan was concerned. And his isolation had done nothing to quell the rumors. Now he stood, chin up, eyes alert, seeking out the one Force light that completed him. Within seconds he spotted Qui-Gon having firstmeal with several other masters.
Qui-Gon was pushing the food around on his plate when he felt Obi-Wan's presence in the room. He looked up in time for the knight's eyes to lock onto his. All conversation in the hall stopped as Obi-Wan walked up to the table with what could only be called a swagger. Qui-Gon felt his breath hitch in his chest as he saw that sensual gait, and swallowed. Was *his* Obi-Wan back?
The young knight made a straight line for him, and when he reached the table he bent over to speak softly in Qui-Gon's ear. "Qui-Gon, I'm sorry for all I have put you through. If you have any desire to complete our bond meet me in the garden."
Qui-Gon wanted to believe the vision before him. Believe Obi-Wan wanted him in his life that he could take the knight's hand in his and they would be one. But he had hurt for so long, ached unceasingly for months that it wasn't that simple anymore.
// I want to believe you,// Qui-Gon sent to the young man.
Obi-Wan's head tilted, startled by the older man's reservation. // You *can* believe me.//
"No, Obi-Wan. I'm very tired," Qui-Gon said aloud. And it was true. He was very tired, and defeated by the loss of his life's one true companion.
Obi-Wan straightened, clearly distressed. He studied the Jedi master's face for a moment. His eyes were dark, weary, and his posture sagging. He assessed the depth of Qui-Gon's words, and then very casually leaned down, hair falling in his eyes, and kissed Qui-Gon's cheek.
"Please, Qui-Gon," he whispered in his ear. "I am well... be with me."
A strong, red blush colored the Jedi master's cheeks and Obi-Wan knew he had hit his mark. He left the hall and a roar of conversation followed his departure.
Mace Windu was not pleased. "You're not going to meet him are you?" he asked, having been seated close enough to hear most of the conversation.
"I don't know. So much has happened," Qui-Gon said, very sedate. And a lot had
happened, not least of all the pain he had endured... was still enduring.
"That blush tells me otherwise. You'd better consider what bonding to a knight would mean. You'd be off the Council."
"What?" Qui-Gon asked, waking from the strange trance Obi-Wan had left him in. "The Council wouldn't actually act on that old tenet?"
"Indeed we would," Mace said soberly. "You know that Council members cannot bond with anyone less than a full Jedi master. Otherwise there would be suspicion of special treatment."
"Why are you reminding me of this now?"
"Because until now I didn't think you were seriously considering this relationship."
Meeting Obi-Wan wasn't easy. Qui-Gon had long dreamed of their reunion, but had also long given up hope. They had only been lovers for one brief night, eight months earlier. All the time in between had been taken up with grief and suffering and emptiness. And now, with Obi-Wan's command, Qui-Gon was heading to the garden. His heart was heavy and his mind troubled, but he felt the familiar pull of the Force. Maybe things could still work for them.
The gardens were oddly quiet. No other Jedi were walking or meditating there.
Instinctively he made his way to the alcove by the pond, the place he and Obi-Wan shared as a favorite meditation spot. Obi-Wan knelt there; his eyes closed in meditation. When Qui-Gon stood before him, the knight smiled and looked up at the tall figure of the man he loved.
"Thank you," he said. "I'm glad you came."
Obi-Wan gestured for Qui-Gon to join him in meditation, but the Jedi master was in no mood. He felt like he was being manipulated, wooed back into the young man's arms. After everything that had happened, he couldn't afford to be swept away again. So he stood at a cool distance with his hands on his hips.
"You wanted to see me, Obi-Wan. Well, here I am. What is it that you want?"
The knight's smile faded, and he leaned back on his heels, still looking up at Qui-Gon. "I am healed, Qui-Gon. I have found my center again and am ready to love you."
"You are ready to love me? I never stopped loving you," Qui-Gon said and turned away with a whoosh of his robe.
Obi-Wan was on his feet instantly and running towards Qui-Gon, coming around him to stop his departure. He put his hands on the man's forearms, but saw Qui-Gon cringe at the contact. "You say you love me, but you're running away," Obi-Wan pleaded.
"I have been here all along for you. I sat at your bedside every day as you struggled with your grief. I waited... hoped you would return to me."
"I have returned, Qui-Gon. I'm here. I want to love you."
"You may think that is what you want, but it's not love driving you, Obi-Wan. It's loneliness."
The knight's eyes widened with despair. "No, it's the Force. It's the love we are meant to share. Aleki came to me and told me so."
Qui-Gon practically snarled at the mention of Obi-Wan's dead bondmate. "I seem to remember you telling me that the only thing that could make you happy again was having Aleki back in your life."
Obi-Wan lowered his eyes to the ground. "I said that to hurt you... I am sorry," he said and looked up again his eyes reflecting the green in the garden around them. "I blamed you for my pain. But you must know I wasn't well. I was confused... grieving."
"All I know is that for one very special night I had you. And in that moment I thought I would have you forever, but I was wrong."
Qui-Gon pulled away from the knight and began to leave. Before he could take ten steps, Obi-Wan was in front of him again, this time on his knees.
"Do you want me to beg, Qui-Gon? I'm not above begging you to love me," he said, his eyes filling with tears. He had his arms wrapped around the other man's legs, a replay of their first confrontation in the Council chambers.
"It does not befit a Knight of the Jedi Order to beg," Qui-Gon said sternly. This time, instead of being seduced by Obi-Wan's tears, Qui-Gon ruthlessly tore the young man's arms from him, pushing him aside and stalking quickly from the gardens.
Obi-Wan did not pursue him.
A hundred yards down the hall, Qui-Gon stopped and leaned back on the wall. He felt as if his mind and heart would implode from the pain. It could only be the lifebond aching for completion... fighting its diminishment. How could they not be together when all he dreamed of was Obi-Wan? When every night the young man entered his subconscious and drove him to ecstasy. Those changeable eyes. Those soft, passionate lips. Those strong thighs.... But in the conscious world his heart no longer ruled. His head pushed Obi-Wan away.
"Deny this connection you cannot, Qui-Gon."
He looked up, startled out of his thoughts by Master Yoda.
"Three times the Force has given you opportunity... three times you have chosen not to accept," the old master said with a snort.
"Knight Kenobi cannot give me what I seek," Qui-Gon said coldly.
"Took from him what you wanted, have you?"
"Are you accusing me of using him?"
"Took him to your bed you did. Were not promises made?"
Qui-Gon shook his head. He resented Yoda's interference. "He is the one who broke the promises."
"Much grief he has suffered. And now you make him suffer again. So hard for you to believe that he is well... that he loves you?"
"That may be, but I have suffered too, and I can no longer trust him."
"Looking at the bigger picture, you are not. Circumstances forced Knight Kenobi to act as he did... love you he always has."
"He has controlled this from the start. I am not an instrument to be played," Qui-Gon retorted and pushed off the wall to leave without a formal dismissal.
"The Force will find a way... if you will not, Qui-Gon."
He shuddered at Yoda's last remark and closed into himself. He would return to his quarters and suffer in silence.