Archive: master_apprentice, OKEB, and if anyone else wants it,
just ask.
Category: humour/parody, crossover
Rating: PG
Warnings: silliness abounds
Spoilers: None so far.
Summary: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace/ X-files Crossover.
Disclaimer: GL owns TPM (and almost everything else) and Chris
Carter created the X-files. And I just bum off them. And make
absolutely nomoney doing it.
Acknowledgements: Alaric for inspiration, TC Regan
(worshipgl@aol.com) and AK (calmjedi@hotmail.com) for being
supportive and laughing at the jokes. Even the bad ones.
Feedback: Feedback is highly recommended. Which means
that if I don't get it, I'm not writing part two. Yeah, yeah...
very Sithly of me.... pretty please give feedback? This is my
most ambitious fanfic to date.
FBI agent Dana Scully strode into the basement room with her
customary look of annoyance. She was dressed in a labcoat
splattered with blood and other things, but as Mulder had just
eaten, he tried not to guess at what they were. "Alright,
Mulder, what is it this time? I was right in the middle of this
really interesting autopsy, the organs were just starting to
turn a sort of greenish-blue...."
Fox Mulder decided to cut his partner off before he did lose
his lunch. "Scully, I've figured it out!" He grinned and put
down the Weekly World News ( This week's headline: "President
Clinton's Secret Lovechild with Bigfoot") that he'd been
reading.
"Figured what out?"
"Who kidnapped my sister when I was twelve!" If Mulder hadn't
been so damn cute, he would have been a complete nerd.
Scully's lip curled with scorn. "I thought you decided last
week that it was Elvis."
Mulder waved her comment aside. "It was Jedi knights! The light
I remember seeing was from a lightsaber!"
She sighed. "You went to see Phantom Menace with the Lone
Gunmen again, didn't you?"
"Well they invited me, and said this time I could hold the toy
Darth Maul lightsaber...the neat one that lights up and makes
sounds..."
Dana sighed again. This was going to be a long day.
Four figures crept slowly toward the walls of Skywalker Ranch.
"Langly, did you have to wear your Sith robes?" Mulder
complained in a whisper.
"Hey, you said 'wear black.' " Wearing Sith Robes, designed to
inspire fear and terror among the galaxy's inhabitants...
Langly still looked exactly like a computer nerd.
"I can't believe we're breaking into the sacred Lucas
archives..." Byers whispered, looking more like a choirboy than
a burglar.
"I'm just in this to see more pictures of Princess Leia in that
metal bikini." Frohike grumbled. "Though I'd settle for some of
Luke... that man knows how to use a lightsaber."
They all stopped in their tracks, looked at each other, and
nodded in agreement.
Mulder sat, relaxing in his basement office. His feet were up
on the desk, and a bag of sunflower seeds lay open. He wiped
his hands, trying not to get the shells on the script he was
now reading. If Scully were just here, wearing the Leia bikini,
life would have been damn near perfect.
The phone rang. He grabbed it. "FBI Agent Fox Mulder. For alien
abductions, press one. For lake monsters, press two. For
demonic possession, press three. For your personal horoscope,
press...."
An angry voice interrupted him. "Mulder, this is Assistant
Director Skinner.
My office, NOW." Skinner hung up.
As Mulder rushed toward his office, he suddenly pictured his AD
in the bikini. In spite of the fact he was probably in deep
trouble, the grin lasted all the way to Skinner's office.
Skinner managed to scowl for a good thirty seconds. Then Mulder
dropped the papers he had been holding, and bent down to pick
them up.
"Are you mad about something, Director?"
"Not anymore..." Skinner leaned over the desk trying to get a
better view. Fox Mulder might have been a loose cannon. But he
was a loose cannon with a nice ass.
Mulder stood up. Damn. "So what did you want to see me about?"
"Someone broke into Skywalker Ranch and stole the scripts to
the sequels. You wouldn't happen to know anything about it,
would you?"
"Aside from having a pretty good idea of what happened to
Luke... and you'd never believe it, he ends up..." Mulder
caught himself. "Why are you asking me? There are millions of
Star Wars fans out there."
"Yes..." Skinner answered slowly, "but very few of them have ID
badges saying 'Fox Mulder, Federal Bureau of Investigation.' "
He took an evidence bag from his desk drawer and held it out so
Mulder could see the contents.
The aforementioned owner of the ID badge turned bright red. The
Lone Gunmen would never let him hear the end of this one.
"Erm....well.... it's a conspiracy!"
Skinner rolled his eyes. If the restrooms were out of toilet
paper, it was a conspiracy. If Mulder misplaced his keys, it
was a conspiracy. If an informant was shot only minutes after
placing a phone call promising to reveal all, it was a
conspiracy. Fox Mulder could be so paranoid sometimes.
"Look, I know you were there..." Suddenly, the AD's curiousity
got the better of him. "What does happen to Luke, anyhow?"
Before Fox Mulder could explain the amazing and shocking final
chapters of the Star Wars saga, that deep secret that until now
had remained safely locked away in the Lucas private vaults,
that gut-wrenching, heart pounding, unexpected ending that no
one would ever have guessed, that....
"Yes, yes, we get the dramatic tension."
[Fine, fine. Anyway, on with the story.]
Two Jedi Knights burst into the room, lightsabers blazing.
Scully headed into her office, freshly spattered with the gooey
remains of yet another autopsy victim. Oddly, Mulder wasn't
there, so she followed the trail of sunflower seeds leading
down the hallway.
It led to Assistant Director Skinner's office. Before she could
knock politely, Skinner's voice roared through the door.
"Dammit, Mulder! This X-files shit is only supposed to happen
to you!"
Scully decided that she might as well just go in.
"Sir, I hate to interrupt, but..." Her jaw dropped. Mulder and
Skinner were huddled under Skinner's desk while two people that
looked like.... No, it couldn't be. [It is.] "Shut up." Well,
whoever they were, they stood back to back holding weapons that
looked a lot like lightsabers. [See, I told you they were.
Explain this one, Ms. Skeptic.] "Just get on with the story.
Isn't there supposed to be some sex or something?"
"Scully, quit talking to the narrator and help us!" The
Assistant Director yelled.
"Fine." [Fine.] Scully took a deep breath and turned to face
the.... [Come on, say it.] Jedi. [There, that wasn't so hard.]
"Would you mind turning those things off?" she asked in her
most monotone, FBI, we-don't-take-crap- even-if-you-ARE-Jedi
tone.
Even Jedi know not to mess with Scully when she uses that tone,
so they powered down their lightsabers. The taller one, who
incidentally bore an uncanny resemblance to the actor Liam
Neeson, stepped forward.
"Greetings, my name is Qui-Gon Jinn. And this is my Padawan..."
"Obi-Wan Kenobi." Mulder added, still under the desk. "Hey,
I've seen the movie eighteen times." Slowly, he and Skinner
climbed out and brushed themselves off.
Qui-Gon glared at Mulder for a minute, then turned back to
Scully. "I am sure we can sit down and resolve this reasonably,
without the need for weaponry." He shot a look at Obi-Wan and
muttered something under his breath about these damned
aggressive Padawans.
"Well whoever or whatever the hell you are, would you mind
leaving my office? Mulder, you deal with them." Skinner barked,
still in a bad mood over the whole affair.
Qui-Gon waved his hand in front of the AD's face. "You don't
mind us using your office."
As if in a daze, Skinner responded, "I don't mind you using my
office."
"You will get us all coffee."
"I will get you all coffee."
"Two blacks, one with sugar, and one with cream and two packets
of sugar. From Starbucks."
"Can I have a latte instead?" Obi-Wan asked plaintively.
"Make that two blacks, one latte, and a mocha." Skinner nodded,
and left to find the nearest coffee place.
"I have got to learn how to do that..." Mulder muttered
under his breath.
Ignoring Mulder and Obi-Wan, Scully and Qui-Gon sat down and
began a discussion of various things, not the least of which
was how difficult Padawans/partners could be.
"I tell him they're not aliens, but does he believe me? No."
"No matter what I tell him to do, he always seems to end up
cutting through some of the locals with his 'saber. Extremely
bad manners, to say the least."
"And he's just so..."
"Immature?" Qui-Gon suggested.
"Yeah."
It was only a few hours later, when they started debating
whether Mulder or Obi-Wan had the nicer ass, that they looked
over and noticed their respective Padawan/partner were gone.
"I will use the Force to sense Obi-Wan's location."
"Don't bother," Scully said. "I've got my cell phone."
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