Archive: Yes please! Whoever wants it, just let me know.
Category: angst
Rating: PG
Summary: Obi-Wan pays for his mistakes at Melida/Daan.
Disclaimer: Not mine, yada yada yada
Feedback: Appreciated. On or off-list.
Notes: It's DPS. Guess. [g]
It's been nearly three months since the events on Melida/Daan.
Six long months, while Obi-Wan has been placed on probation,
and Qui-Gon has not yet accepted him as his padawan again.
Obi-Wan lives in the student dormitories alone, trying his best
to keep up with his studies and his training. He attends every
class but has no one to spar with. The other students have
shunned him, angry that their dedication has been questioned
because of his actions. None of Obi's friends are even around
to comfort him. His best friend, Bant, has been chosen as a
padawan and is away on a mission, while Garen and Reeft are
also off-planet. Obi-Wan had believed that he and Qui-Gon were
getting closer, closer to becoming a team again, but then a
mission was assigned and Qui-Gon left without even telling
Obi-Wan he was going. With no one to talk to, and no one to
watch over him, Obi-Wan has become more and more depressed. The
Council is keeping an eye on him, but they believe that to show
him kindness or leniency will mean more severe problems later
on. Whenever they meet young Obi-Wan in the hallways they are
always certain to be cold and disapproving, no matter what he
does, how he tries to please them. They believe in his heart he
is still too reckless and should not be a padawan.
It is only at the insistence of Yoda that he has not been
expelled from the order. Yoda has left strict instructions that
Obi-Wan is not to be sent away while he is on his yearly
retreat to Dagobah. Yoda had been very careful in the weeks
before his trip not to run into Obi-Wan. He disagreed with the
others' attitudes towards the youth, but he knew they would
eventually come around. He knew that if he had seen Obi-Wan he
would have been kind to the boy and the other Councilor's work
would be undone. While he was respected as the most wise of all
Jedi, he also knew that even he could be outvoted if he made
his compatriots angry enough.
So Obi-Wan continues to suffer, alone. His teachers have been
informed that he is not to be singled out for praise of any
kind, and if at all possible he should not be called on for
demonstrations or discussions. His teachers have not had a
problem with this - for the exuberant young man who had been
excited about learning seems to no longer exist. He goes
silently from class to class, making nary a sound. He pays
attention, but it is as if he is a shadow or a wraith. Most of
his teachers remembered the youth he had been before, but dare
not to go against the wishes of the Council.
After nearly a month since Qui-Gon's departure, Obi-Wan is
more morose than ever before. No one has seen him smile in
weeks, and in his classes he has become even more silent than
before. He makes sure never to give reason to the teachers to
be cross with him - his assignments are always on time, and he
makes sure to have read the lesson and to have studied for the
tests - but it is clear to all the perceptive ones that he is
joyless. An air of sadness always floats around him and nothing
seems to break it.
Obi-Wan is always alone - even after so long a time none of
the other padawans or initiates will interact with him. One day
he runs into a group of Bruck Chun's friends. Most of them had
been offworld for some time, and this is the first time since
Bruck's death that more than two had been in residence at the
Temple at the same time. They are cruel and heartless to
Obi-Wan, openly accusing him of murdering their friend. He
makes half-hearted denials and tries to ignore the youths. But
they attack him, beating him up. Even then Obi does not fight
back. He does not believe himself to be worth it. Then the
youths hold him down and one of them pulls out a knife.
The others help him cut off Obi's padawan braid. They tell him
he does not deserve to wear a mark of apprenticeship when he
doesn't have a master. And they tell him it is obvious he will
never have one. A concerned teacher saw the fight from afar and
broke it up - she had seen that Obi-Wan had done nothing, not
even defend himself. She reprimanded the youths and sent them
to their rooms or their masters for further punishment. Then
she went to Obi-Wan to make certain he was all right.
He was sitting on the floor, the braid in his hands. He looked
even more lost than before. It was as though a vital part of
him was ripped away with that braid. The only thing he was
working towards, the only thing way down deep in his heart that
he believed he might actually be worthy of again. Now it was
gone, just like his friends and his master. Like the teachers
he once knew, the ones who would call on him and speak with him
and let him debate and love learning, the same teachers who now
avoided his gaze.
He hastily got to his feet, bowed to the teacher, and went to
return to his room. His quiet little room. When he arrived, he
had come to a decision. He could no longer pretend that the
Jedi wanted him. He could no longer live like this, with every
one hating him or ignoring him completely. He could no longer
live with the apathy of others, the condemnation, and worst of
all - the loneliness. He had never felt so alone in his entire
life. After surreptitiously hiding the fact he no longer had a
braid, he called up the holocom and placed a call to his
mother.
"Mother?" Obi tried not to sound too hopeful, but he knew that
his birth family was the only place he had left to turn. His
family was rather poor, but he hoped they would be able to
spare a corner of a room for him, until he could find another
profession. As his mother's face appeared on screen, though,
part of his hope faded. He could see how worn she looked - she
looked as though she hadn't eaten enough. He decided that he
would have to send out a feeler instead of asking outright.
"Obi. How good to hear from you!" His mother's face held a
smile, but it was one that did not go into the depths of her
eyes. It was a fondness, nothing more. But to him it was more
kindness than he had received in a month.
"Mother, I recently found that, that a friend of mine, you
don't know him, but that a friend of mine will be traveling
close to home very soon and I had wanted to know if he could
come and stay with you for a few days. Just a short while. He's
very kind and quiet and wouldn't be any trouble at all."
"I - I don't think that would be such a good idea right now."
Obi could see the indecision on his mother's face. "He would
also be able to pay, just a little bit though." Obi had some of
his allowance from the Jedi saved, he had not had anything to
spend it on in a long time.
"It's not that, Obi. Well, it is that, partially. I mean, it's
hard enough to buy enough food to feed your brother and myself,
even with some extra money I don't know if I could afford to
buy any from anyone else. Plus..."
"Plus?"
"Well, you'd find out sooner or later. I'm going to have
another baby. So right now food and money is stretched
extremely tight - I couldn't even let your aunt Diewq stay here
last month and she offered the same. I'm sorry, please give
your friend my apologies. Things are just too tight around
here. Plus the apartment is barely big enough for Owen and
myself, there's nowhere for him to sleep."
"Oh. Oh, that's ok, Mother. I hadn't offered it to him yet. It
was just an idea I had. I thought I would get your input
first."
"Oh, that's good, dear. I'm sorry it won't work out."
"Don't - don't worry. I, I have to go now."
"Ok, good bye then Obi."
"Goodbye Mother. Say hello to Owen for me, please."
"I will."
"I love you Mother." Just as Obi finished saying these words,
there was a crash in the background.
"Owen! Owen, what are you doing? Oh for goodness sake." She
was very distracted and didn't respond to his declaration of
love. "Oh, good bye Obi!" She clicked off the holocom and went
to find her other son.
Obi stared at the monitor desolately. He now felt truly
completely and utterly alone. He heard the bell chime for
dinner but realized that he just couldn't bear to sit in the
dining hall alone for another night. He couldn't bear to run
into the Council members, just as he always did, and hear their
contempt for him. He couldn't bear to see the other Masters and
know that he would never be trained. He couldn't bear to be
alone anymore, so very, very alone. He felt cold inside all the
time. Not even the Force could warm him. So he made his
decision.
He sent all his available funds to his mother and Owen. Then
he dressed in his finest Jedi robes and lay his severed braid
on top of the rock on his desk. He kneeled on his meditation
mat and tried to enter into meditation, but just as it had been
for the past two weeks, he was unable to find his center. He
tried and tried and finally gave up. ÔIt must be the will
of the Force, this decision must be the right one.'
He then picked up his lightsaber, held the end over his heart,
and powered it up. Death was instantaneous.
In the hallway, Qui-Gon Jinn faltered in his steps. He was
finally back from his mission and was eager to see his student,
to reclaim him as his padawan. He felt a wrongness in the
Force, a great misery, then nothing, and he rushed to open
Obi's door. When the door opened fully, all he saw was a set of
Jedi robes with a scorch mark through the heart and a
lightsaber lying on top of the pile.
Archive 