Master Apprentice
Archive
Words Will Never Hurt Me
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Archive: Yes, M_A. Others please ask
Rating: PG-13 (due to subject matter)
Categories: AU, Angst
Pairing: Original ending, none; happier ending, Q/O implied
Summary: Obi-Wan sinks into severe depression.
Warnings: Severe depression, self-depreciation, suicide and the effects thereof. Do not read if you have a problem with these areas.
Spoilers: Some of the flashback lines are from JA and TPM.
Disclaimer: The Boys belong King George. I'm just letting them play. All Hail the King.
Feedback: Yes, on or off list at quigonjdi1@aol.com
NOTE: As stated above under `pairing' this story has two endings. The original ending is not so happy, so I also wrote a happier ending for those who prefer one. You can also read both, if you want. :o) Also not beta'd. I just wanted to get this one done and the bunny off my butt so I could get back to Even Jedi...
Freak!
Go ahead and take him. All the better for us; one less mouth to feed.
Get away! We don't want you to play with you.
You clumsy oaf!
Silently Obi-Wan stepped out of the shadows and watched as the Queen's transport soared into the atmosphere. Qui-Gon had been too distracted with the boy to notice him slip off the ship. It would probably be some time before he checked on his unwanted Padawan, if at all.
Oafy-Wan!
He won't want me.
You could teach me better.
Perhaps I could. Or perhaps no one could.
No.
Obi-Wan raise his hood and made his way to the temple and their rooms. Qui-Gon's rooms. No one would bother a Jedi with his hood up, not even another Jedi. His shields were up and strong to prevent anyone from discovering him.
You know what you must do, Padawan.
Yes, he knew. It was time. Past time really.
Obi-Wan hung his robe next to Qui-Gon's spare one. Voices of the past continued to echo through his head – the ones that stuck deep into his soul – as he went to his room and changed into one of his few civilian outfits.
So just accept the way things are. It's better for everyone.
Yes, better. He accepted it now. He wasn't important at all. He could be easily replaced by another Padawan. He already had been. He wasn't needed anymore, if he ever had been.
Obi-Wan knew he hadn't been wanted – by his parents, by his crèchemates, by Qui-Gon, even by the Jedi. Despite what anyone said, he had heard, seen and read too many things to the contrary all his life.
Your meddling has only made things worse.
...you are no longer a Jedi.
That does not sound like a Jedi.
...whether you are meant to be my Padawan again is not so clear.
I think the Jedi can manage to solve the crisis without that kind of help from you.
Obi-Wan carefully, but quickly, packed his Jedi issued belongings in a box to be returned to the commissary. He would've had them sent now and not leave it for Qui-Gon to be bothered with, but that would notify people he was here and not on the mission as he was supposed to be.
His few personal belongings he threw away.
All except for the first rock Qui-Gon had given him. He was going to leave it on the desk for his master, but now, as he held it in his hand, he wished he could take it with him. It was his most prized possession.
But he didn't deserve it.
...you have violated not only the trust of Qui-Gon, but the trust of the Council.
...hesitate about your suitability to be a Jedi.
Please do not interfere again.
The boy is ruthless, Qui-Gon.
You're the one who disgraced the Order.
A single, silent tear slid down Obi-Wan's cheek as he set the rock on Qui-Gon's desk. He had tried to be the Padawan the master wanted – had tried to be the best – but he was sorely lacking.
He thought about leaving a message for Qui-Gon, telling him how sorry he was for having wasted the master's time, but decided it was better not to. It would just waste more time.
Obi-Wan stepped into the `fresher and looked at himself in the mirror. He was nothing special. He was only a piece of living trash discarded as trivial by everyone.
He twisted his braid around his hand and yanked using a touch of the Force. It ripped free; the pain barely touching his soul.
His withered and broken soul.
I was always better than you.
Good move, Oafy-Wan.
Control your impatience, Obi-Wan.
...things are rarely as simple as they appear.
No. They're not.
Obi-Wan absently noted he wasn't smiling. He was usually smiling and happy when others were around. When they weren't, he would cry. Cry because he felt so lost and alone, his soul badly trampled. Cry because it never got better. He was tired of crying, tired of smiling. It took a lot of effort to be what everyone expected.
Occasionally a bud of hope would start to grow in his soul, but before long something would happen to kill it. It only took a poorly worded comment or two to cut the bud off now.
Not nearly enough. Clumsy fool!
I will find you when I need you.
You could have ruined everything!
Put on a happy face. Don't let people see inside.
Obi-Wan ignored the blood that trickled down his neck staining his collar. It didn't matter. HE didn't matter.
He looked down at the braid in his hand.
You know what you must do, Padawan.
Yes.
Obi-Wan tossed the hair in the disposal unit and looked around the rooms. They weren't back like they were before he arrived, but most of the signs he had been here were gone.
The Padawan room was empty and ready for Anakin to make it his home. The things for the commissary were in a box by the door. Things Master and Padawan had gotten together were boxed and set by the desk. He wasn't sure if Qui-Gon would want anything around to remind him of the time he wasted, or want to keep them for some other reason.
The only things left were his lightsabre and his outer robe. Both he needed a little while longer.
His eyes lit longingly on Qui-Gon's extra robe as he reached for his. Instead, he let his fingers brush the dark brown fabric.
You make everything so hard, Obi-Wan.
No, Obi-Wan. You're doing it wrong again.
You know better than that, Padawan.
Extra meditations tonight. Maybe that will help.
I don't know what I'm going to do with you.
Get out!
Obi-Wan pulled his hand away as if burned.
He had no right. He was not worthy enough to even touch the master's robes.
He took his own down and slipped it on, pulling the hood up to conceal his face. Picking up his lightsabre, he headed out the door. His head was bowed and his shields tight as he made his way to the garden of A Thousand Fountains.
It's the boy...
You still have much to learn, my young apprentice.
I will train him then.
I take Anakin as my Padawan learner.
Obi-Wan knelt before the Fountain of Serenity. He set his lightsabre down in front of him and slid off his robe. Carefully he folded it and laid it beside him.
He has much to learn of the Living Force.
There is little more he can learn from me.
That should be enough for you.
You know what you must do, Padawan.
Original ending or happier ending