Words

by Amberlee ( amberleewriter@yahoo.com )

Pairing: Bail/Obi-Wan Archive: MA, Bail Now, and my site only.

Rating: PG

Category: POV, Obi-Wan/Bail, non-Q/O

Summary: Sometimes language just gets in the way.

Disclaimer: Yes, George, I slash them. I am unrepentant in my manipulation of your boys. However, I pinky promise to never take a dime for it.

Notes: Short one-shot not really related to my normal pair.

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Words

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There are words that we don't say. We never say goodbye anymore because it sounds final. We don't say goodnight anymore because he either arrives after I'm asleep or leaves before I wake. I know there was a time when we said, "I'll miss you," but somehow we stopped doing that. I think it's because, even when we are together, we miss one another now. I don't know how that happened, but it did.

There are words that we never said in the first place. Words like promise or commitment. Those are things we can't make to one another so we avoid those words, dancing around them even in casual conversation. We never said forever because I don't believe in forever and his forever doesn't include someone like me that isn't Force sensitive. And love. We've never said love. I feel it like an empty hole inside me that only he can fill but I never tell him. If I tell him, it means all of the other words we have never said and if he didn't say it back, a part of me would die.

Then there are the words that rule our lives but we never say because we hate them. Duty. Honor. Responsibility. Loyalty.

Damn each and every one of them.

My vocabulary shrinks the longer I am with Obi-Wan Kenobi. Every day, every hour, I find new words to avoid and detest. Words like lover, clandestine, passion, secret, and even Jedi.

How I loathe the word Jedi now.

I often wonder, does he feel the same way I do? That too, is something left unspoken. To bring up the topic of self-censorship would lead to other topics and the moments we can share are so few. I do not wish to spoil them -- to bring into our stolen hours any kind of strife. I would rather not speak at all and let my body convey its own messages of desire.

We do that often, Obi-Wan and I.

There will come a day when these pregnant silences between us must end -- when the words we do not say are uttered and our mirage of a relationship will be exposed for what it is -- but I will not rush toward that day. I am not content with what we have, I can never be so, but it is all that a Viceroy and a Jedi may steal in this mad Galaxy.

If this is all the love I am to find in this life, then so be it. I will find a way to make it all I need.

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