Wishing

by Sphinxey

Title - Wishing
Author - Sphinxey (sphinxeykb@hotmail.com)
Archive - MA please
Category - Qui/Obi, angst
Rating - PG
Warnings - Canon character death?
Spoilers - TPM
Summary - 5 Years after Naboo Obi Wan visits Qui for the last time.
Feedback - Yes please, in any way shape or form
Disclaimer: I don't own the boys, and the lyrics of the song belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber

You were once my one companion,
You were all that mattered.
You were once a friend and father,
Then my world was shattered.

Obi Wan Kenobi knelt by the remembrance stone in silence. It had been 5 years to the day since Naboo, since Qui Gon, his Master, confident and lover had died. It didn't seem like a long time, yet it felt like an eternity had passed, an eternity in which everyone else had gone on with their lives, leaving Obi Wan to mourn alone.

That one day had turned his life upside down. In the space of a day he had lost a Master and gained a Padawan, lost a teacher and gained a student. All he had lived for was gone, yet the world had kept moving on, leaving only memories and regrets.

Wishing you were somehow here again,
Wishing you were somehow near.
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
Somehow you would be here.

He still half expected the older man to greet him when he entered his quarters, still anticipated lame jokes that never came, still yearned for a friendly touch when something went wrong. But even with the force none of those things were possible. No force ghosts for Qui Gin Jinn, just half forgotten memories.

Wishing I could hear your voice again,
Knowing that I never would.
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
All that you dreamed I could.

Why? Why make him train a boy with more anger than sense, with no education, no discipline? Why give that task to him, when there were so many better choices who would have done a better job? He was no teacher, no Master, yet here he was with a Padawan, a Padawan considered too old and too dangerous to train. No amount of time could dissolve those first impressions of a dangerous, proud young boy, and no amount of time could make the young man forget Obi Wan's first, bitter comment. While the years had allowed the younger man to grow up they also fostered resentment that was impossible to destroy.

Passing bells and sculptured angels,
Cold and monumental
See for you the wrong companions,
You were warm and gentle.

This had become a tradition for him, to go to the garden of remembrance and sit beside the stone sculpture that was meant to represent Qui Gon. In his opinion nothing could be less representative of the gentle giant who was so in touch with the living force, however by the time he had been in a fit state to make decisions it was too late. Despite the inappropriateness of the statue it provided Obi with an anchor point for his grief, to focus the emotion on one place, and he felt more connected to the other man when he sat here, not meditating, just sitting and remembering.

Too many years fighting back tears,
Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again,
Knowing I must say goodbye.

He knew, deep in his heart, that he needed to move on. To forget the past and concentrate on making the best future possible for his apprentice and on being the best Master he could be. It was what Qui Gon would have wanted, he knew, but at the same time it was hard to let go of the past. All the future seemed to hold was war and strife, however he could still hear the reminder to `stay in the here and now' where he belonged as if it had been spoken next to him in the silent garden.

Try to forgive, teach me to live,
Give me the strength to try.
No more memories, no more silent tears,
No more gazing across the wasted years.
Help me say goodbye.

Laying his hand against the statue he took a deep breath. He prayed silently for strength to train Anakin, for the strength to be a good Master. It was all he could do. It was time to move on, to be the man Qui Gon dreamed he would be, instead of a ghost living in the past. He stood slowly and took one last glance at the monument before walking swiftly away. He had a job to do.

Help me say goodbye.