Obi-Wan's Wildest Fantasy

by Aayla Security ( z200122@yahoo.com )

Archive - Just ask and credit me

Category - Qui/Obi, Humor, Parody, Angst

Rating - PG for brief language

Warnings - being a major spoiler by pointing out the obvious

Spoiler - The Phantom Menace

Summary - Sometimes fantasies just went too far...especially when
somebody was furious at Qui-Gon's stupid Chosen One argument

Feedback - Thanks for not concealing something significant.

Disclaimer - You and your lousy movie plot, George. Even though I'm not getting money out of this, pointing at your laughable loopholes surely is a pleasure. So thanks for the characters and the loopholes, I absolutely won't take credit for that. There wouldn't be this thing if there weren't so many loopholes. It is not me but you who made this writing possible.

Author's Note: I was fascinated by Star Wars: TPM when I was very young (the visual effects and everything, but mainly the visual effects). But, as always, revisiting one's childhood favorite is a pain. Though not as painful as SW: AOTC, this movie is still a pain to watch, and this so-called fiction is the result.

Obi-Wan stood dutifully by Qui-Gon's side, waiting for the Council's decision to train the Skywalker boy. He felt incredibly exhausted, stupid, and angry. This was the stupidest moment in his life. During the past few hours his Master Qui-Gon Jinn had been preaching him how talented Anakin was, how inevitable his training would be, and how balanced the Force would become in the future with Anakin as the Chosen One. Obi-Wan sighed deeply; let alone the absence of rationality and sense of reality in his Master's meaningless preaching, there was something else hurting him. Perhaps Obi-Wan's presence was insignificant, but being thoroughly ignored by his loved one...

"The Force is strong with him," Ki-Adi concluded in a complete business tone.

In Obi-Wan's eyes, a self-satisfied Qui-Gon had taken that for granted, "He is to be trained, then?"

Obi-Wan elaborately zoomed out. Anakin beamed at Qui-Gon and threw him his brightest smile.

"No, he will not be trained." Mace informed the happy pairs, in the same business tone Ki-Adi had used.

"No?" Qui-Gon looked as if he was slapped on the face; Anakin, being played by the worst actor in the entire movie, stared at Mace as if he had just committed the ultimate crime of denying his training.

"He IS the Chosen One; you must see it," Qui-Gon denounced the Council Members in a one-plus-one-equals-two tone.

At the sign of the peak of Qui-Gon's insanity, Obi-Wan jumped in and centered himself in the Council Chamber.

"Chosen? What do you know about 'Chosen'?" Obi-Wan glared at Qui-Gon and decried, "What does anyone in this room know about 'Chosen'?!" He yelled at the rest of the people.

The others stared at him in awe.

Mace tried to calm him down, "Now have patience, young Padawan..."

"I am patient enough, Master!" Obi-Wan cried, "But from the beginning I have no idea what is going on! This is a major mess, everyone!"

Everybody looked satisfyingly petrified to different extent, except Yoda.

"Hmm. Elaborate, please, Padawan Kenobi."

"Not without your permission, my Master," Obi-Wan took a deep breath, "This whole prophecy thing is all not at least convincing."

"Oh, yes?"

"Absolutely!!" Obi-Wan started to lose his temper again, "You," he pointed at Qui-Gon Jinn, "You are the King of Irrationality. Let me put your primitive argument this way:

There is a prophecy that says someone will bring balance to the Force. I think this boy is that person, because: 1. the Force made me find him; the evidence is because I have faith in that. 2. He is the life form whose cells have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians I've ever seen. Your test shows he is quite talented, so he should be trained as a Jedi. Despite the fact that he is too old and any other odds against this boy, he should be trained as a Jedi because I believe he is the Chosen One."

Qui-Gon just stared at Obi-Wan, not believing the usually unquestioningly obedient Padawan should defy him.

"There are several major loopholes in this argument," Obi-Wan told Yoda, "First of all, why should we ever care whatever the prophecy says? Can anyone answer me why we should fulfill THE prophecy?"

To Obi-Wan's dismay and somewhat satisfaction, he sensed great confusion in the room.

"Who arbitrarily decided that we should fulfill such a random prophecy? Furthermore, is there evidence whatsoever showing that the prophecy was something reliable? Who wrote it? Who recorded it? Where it came from? What if it was written by some ignorant maniac who believed Coruscant was flat and the sign of a plain speeder was a miracle? Sith, it's just a prophecy! A few blasted sentences, dammit!"

Depa looked very bewildered, "But, it was the prophecy..."

"But for the sake of scrutinizing the logical basis of this prophecy argument, let's assume, as a purely hypothetical exercise, that the prophecy is true," Obi-Wan interrupted, not letting Depa finish, "So what you people were talking about is a prophecy, right?"

"Yes, yes, Master Obi-Wan," Adi agreed obediently and rather hastily.

"A prophecy, by definition, is a message predicting what will happen inevitably in the future, right?"

"A most enlightening statement, my promising Padawan," Plo Koon managed to hiss out the flatter despite being terrified.

"Then," Obi-Wan continued, ignoring Plo's obvious butt-kissing, "if what the prophecy shows is something that certainly will happen, why should we ever bother to try to make it happen? Look, it will happen no matter what!! It's just like a weather forecast, if the forecast says tomorrow would be sunny, why should we attempt to make the weather sunny?! It will be sunny whatever we do! Similarly, if the prophecy says someone will balance the Force, then ultimately the Force will be balanced whether we try to make somebody balance it or not!! Who cares what we do or what we will do or what we should do? Who cares who the Chosen One is? Why don't we just leave it be already?! Don't you see it? If you believe in prophecies, then you must believe that all things have already been set up by the Will of the Force because that is precisely the premise of believing prophecies! (Of course, if you don't believe in prophecies, then that's another story.) The prophecy - if we assume its authority - says the Force will be balanced somehow so we should never worry about it because the Force of course will be balanced one way or another no matter what we do or what we think!!"

Yarael Poof went into retrospection, "Force, I've never thought of that..."

"And that is all you people's big problem," Obi-Wan belittled them, "You always accept what you are told to believe without even having reasonable speculations!!"

"You are really one of the wisest philosophers in the Temple, Master Obi-Wan," Agen Kolar admired, "No one else can make such a spectacular discovery like that."

"I myself can't say better, Agen," Obi-Wan agreed, fully switched to Cold-Hearted Critical Social Critic Mode.

Agen looked very flattered; Mace was impressed; Yoda tried his best to draw a conclusion for Obi-Wan's argument.

"No reason to fulfill the prophecy we have. Not caring who the Chosen One is, we shall be; let the Force handle everything, we must. Is that what you think, Padawan Kenobi, hmm?"

"Correct," Obi-Wan replied.

"And your point might be...?"

"We shall not take what the prophecy or what it says into considerations when deciding whether the boy should be trained. Therefore, whether he is the Chosen One or not should not affect our decisions on this boy. The prophecy should be ignored, entirely, in all matters." Obi-Wan said fluently, "According to my Master, the boy should be trained because he is the Chosen One. So in other words, if the boy has nothing to do with the Chosen One, then the boy should go through normal testing process and be denied because of his age (i.e. not be trained). Therefore, the reason the boy should be trained lies in the existence of the prophecy and the resulting possibility that the boy (or, in my Master's inarguable terms, fact) is the Chosen One. So it appears that the base of my Master's Chosen One argument is the prophecy. If the prophecy should not be taken into considerations, then his argument cannot be justified."

"On a lower level," Obi-Wan quickly added, as Qui-Gon opened his mouth to protest, "What if we do care what the prophecy says despite our sanity? Well, in that case, we must ask: how he decided that the boy was the Chosen One. As I have said, the evidence my Master has offered that the boy is the Chosen One is: he has no doubt that finding him was the Will of the Force, and the boy has the cells with the highest concentration of midi-chlorians he's ever seen. Let's first look at the midi-chlorian-theory. Does the prophecy state that the Chosen One will have the highest concentration of midi-chlorians Qui-Gon Jinn has seen in a life-form? So maybe the boy is just the life form who has the cells with the highest concentration of midi-chlorians my Master has ever seen, and mind you, this claim is different from the claim that the boy is indeed the life form whose cells possess the highest concentration of midi-chlorians in the entire galaxy. If the criterion of being the Chosen One is the concentration of midi-chlorians in one's cells, then how does he know that there isn't someone who is more suitable to be the potential Chosen One?

"But what if the boy is the life form with the cells with the highest concentration of midi-chlorians in the entire galaxy? Well, then we can ask: Does the prophecy say anything about the Chosen One having the highest concentration of midi-chlorians? Or even for that matter, does the prophecy explicitly state that the Chosen One would be somebody conceived by midi-chlorians? Does the prophecy give any sort of explicit descriptions or standards regarding the Chosen One? The prophecy basically does not give us any guidance on how to decide who the Chosen One is; hence we absolutely have no idea how to decide. What if, suppose, that the concentration of midi-chlorians in a life form is actually irrelevant to the probability of he or she being the Chosen One? How can we know that a person conceived by the midi-chlorians is more likely to be the Chosen One than some ordinary person then?"

"But they are more likely -" Qui-Gon began.

"Halt," Obi-Wan made a hand gesture, "I know what you are going to say: you are gonna say that life forms with more midi-chlorians are more likely to balance the Force because they are certainly stronger in the Force. I see this retort is NOT based on the prophecy but the fact that living things with stronger Force power are more likely to balance the Force. Thus, this claim does not guarantee that person will unavoidably balance the Force, just more likely to balance the Force, and I can overthrow this claim (roughly) by saying: whether a person can balance the Force is based on many factors, and one of them is being a successful Jedi. This boy, we all know, is too old to be trained as a Jedi. And he has too many secular connections that may greatly affect his judgment, such as his mom or his new Naboo friend. Therefore, even though the Force is stronger with him, this boy can't become a successful Jedi. Granted, you might argue against me by asking that why the Chosen One will be a successful Jedi should be viewed as factor - or, equivalently, how I define the word 'successful' and why the Chosen One should be 'Jedily' successful. Responding your argument, I would then ask why you should insist the boy on becoming a Jedi if the possibility that the Chosen One doesn't need to be a successful Jedi to balance the Force exists. Do you understand? All arguments come down to the point that there is no way that we can possibly completely comprehend the Will of the Force. We do not know how to evaluate the likelihood of a certain person being the Chosen One (and your selection of using midi-chlorians as the criterion seems rather arbitrary). We do not know how the Will of the Force decides the future. We do not even know that whether the Chosen One should be a Jedi. And as for your Force-Will assertion (i.e. finding him was the Will of the Force), now the theory seems to collapse of itself. The reason you have no doubt that it was the Will of the Force that brought you to this child was because you felt that way or your instincts told you so (if not, I cannot imagine how this idea got into your head in the first place). And yet, according to my recent experience, your instincts do not serve you very well these days. Take the trade federation conflict at the beginning of this movie for example, Master. You never thought that the 'coward' federation types would attack us, did you? Your instincts are much clouded than you'd think or willing to confess, (admit it, Master). How can you prove what your instincts tell you is true while your instincts might not be reliable at all? Therefore, in light of your clouded instincts, how can you prove that it was the Will of the Force and not chances that brought you to this boy? Also, again, since we do not know much of the Force, even if it was the Will of the Force that made you meet him, how do you know that the Force did not mean something else rather than making you convert him to a Jedi?"

"But I am a Jedi -" Qui-Gon said desperately.

"And of course, you will say since you are a Jedi, perhaps the Force is hinting that you should bring him back and train him as a Jedi? Once more, I can effortlessly bring down this possibility by asking why countless of other Force-Sensitive children weren't able to be trained to be Jedi because of over-age reasons. They were, also, seemingly accidentally met by Jedi Masters like you, recognized as having cells with midi-chlorians. Why weren't they qualified while they were met by Jedi Masters? This Skywalker kid is in a no better circumstance (so unfortunately), and why should his case be so special?" Obi-Wan paused, allowing others to process his words, and carried on, "The Will of the Force cannot be counted as evidence for one's argument, because (hopefully you guys still remember that) we do not know much of the Will of the Force. Hence, justifying your actions by saying it's in accordance with the Will of the Force is very dangerous and inconceivable. And therefore --"

"But-what-if-this-prophecy-needs-to-be-voluntarily-fulfilled?" Yaddle squeaked in one breath, as if to finish her sentence before she lost her courage, "I-mean-what-if-the balance-of-the-Force-won't-happen-unless-somebody-makes-it-happen..." She winced and her voice trailed off as Obi-Wan cast a dark, how-dare-you-ask-stupid-question look on her.

"A fair question deserves a fair answer," Obi-Wan threatened kindly, "So this so-called prophecy is just a guideline. In reality, it does not predict what will happen, just acknowledge what might happen. Now let's take another issue for the sake of simplicity. Suppose a certain prophecy says, 'Someone will drown the Sith Lord in a toilet' and this can happen only if someone will drown the Sith Lord in a toilet. We are quite right to infer, then, that the existence of this 'prophecy' does NOT influence the probability of the Sith Lord being drowned in a toilet. In all likelihood, if someone is to terminate this particular Sith Lord by drowning him in a toilet, this potential somebody must have the motive and practical means to do it. If the reality does not allow the Sith Lord to be drowned in a toilet and destroyed (i.e. such conditions are not met), then the Sith Lord will not be drowned in the toilet, and thus the prophecy fails. Therefore, a 'guideline' prophecy is nothing but a mere existing possibility, and the events predicted can be easily altered by chances and unforeseen incidents. This sort of prophecy, needless to say, is a lame one: it cannot help us determine the future, for nothing that it claims is always true. Or, to be more specific, this sort of prophecy has already lost the qualification for being a prophecy, because a prophecy should claim what will happen and not what can happen. Likewise, in the case of this Chosen One, if the Chosen One can balance the Force only if we make him do so, then the prophecy has already lost the premise of being a prophecy. There are a bunch of factors other than denying his training making 'the Chosen One' not balance the Force, and all of them are potential deterrents against this highly shakable prophecy. In other words, even though my Master's 'Chosen One' affirmation is very different from my bizarre 'Sith Lord Toilet Drown' claim, in terms of the logical foundation and reason, it fares no better."

Obi-Wan stopped for a moment to catch his breath, but then he saw all Council Members' clueless and bewildered expression -- evidently, they weren't following his argument.

Forgetting how excessively complicated his paragraph structure was, Obi-Wan was frustrated and exasperated at their "stupidity". So he decided to go for the easier way.

"Anyway, she's wrong and I'm right, is that clear?" he scanned the room aggressively and growled.

That was indeed easier for them to understand. All council members applauded in their terror and admiration, including Yaddle herself and excluding Mace.

"Therefore, since Master Jinn's Chosen One argument itself is literally baseless, subjective and logically inconsistent, there is no way that Master Jinn can defend his call to train the boy. In conclusion, we can rightly refuse to pay his argument any further attention," Mace lifted his chin and nodded in his most earnest agreement, "Very insightful, Master Obi-Wan."

"I'm glad you see my point," Obi-Wan said appreciatively, "Since my Master has failed to construct a sound argument for his demand, I propose the result of your normal testing process and thus reject the boy's opportunity to be trained."

"But - but -" Qui-Gon attempted faked composure and failed miserably, "the boy is responsible for getting us outa Tatooine -"

"Yes, he is," Obi-Wan said, "And he was so sure of his winning despite all previous history, because before you took your chance with Watto on the Queen's ship, he didn't even tell you that he hadn't been able to finish even a single race during his entire lifespan*. Very responsible for all of us, wasn't he? Was he too sure of himself, or just too irresponsible to inform you of possible consequences? And - ah, I now see you are arguing based on trivial facts," Obi-Wan answered smoothly, he was getting hang of this, "Maybe I should tell you that raw, unorganized trivial facts cannot be taken as evidence that presents certain kind of logical framework? The irrational debate comeback will go ever and ever on. You will also say (if you are not getting tired of this) that the boy has the cells with the highest concentration of midi-chlorians you've ever seen. And I can again fault your logic (despite many times have I done this) by saying the boy has not passed the age test -"

"STOP USING THAT PATTERN!" Qui-Gon exploded without warnings, "I am sick of your never-ending questions and hypothesis!"

Obi-Wan responded compassionately as he'd expected such reactions from lower life forms, "These are not hypothesis, Master, these are philosophical questions and speculations -"

"I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" retrieving all his strength after being dumbfounded, Qui-Gon Jinn yelled out of his prime insanity, "I AM GONNA TRAIN THIS BOY YOU DUMB BUTTHEADS!"

The chamber suddenly fell in chilly silence.

"You are going to train him against sanity and reality and the existence of logic," Mace ignored Qui-Gon's language, "I see now."

"Yes, he is senseless, and he needs something other than reason to rid him of his worthless stubbornness," Saesee shook his head sympathetically.

Obi-Wan's anger was tempting him to go off; he wanted to shout at Qui-Gon, wanted to throw his fist at him, wanted to knock some sense into him...

"You talk like shit," Obi-Wan burst out, but his voice deadly calm.

Qui-Gon merely blinked.

"You talk like shit," Obi-Wan repeated, this time louder, "If you abolish reasons and insist that one plus one makes three, I cannot find any way to stop you. If you decree you are the only person who can decide what is right and what is wrong, I cannot find any way to stop you. You said you shall do what you must*, and only you could decide what a must was and what was not! Isn't that the rule of dictatorship?" Obi-Wan's fist clinched, "You act according to your faiths, your own instincts, against normal rationality and only you would know whether your instincts were right! There is no rationality whatsoever in whatever you do or whatever you say, there is only faith, and it's your faith, an elusive and arbitrary concept solely based on your personal preferences. Your faith cannot always be true, but you refuse to acknowledge that and act as if it was always true! It's always what you jedily believe, what you jedily sense, it's always you and not the world around you! And here's a shocker for you: we all have faiths, Master, and sometimes you simply cannot prove that your faith is superior to others. You are not only the King of Irrationality, you are also the Prince of Stupidity. You are the perfect living example of how an outrageously smug idiot got to be a 'Jedi Master'. You are the Lord of Dumb, the Queen of Jerks. You are the Master of Self- Righteousness. You are George Lucas's lifeless puppet, the retorted version of an autocrat. You entitle yourself the Representative of the Force while you believe you need no proof for that. You are everything that stinks. You are nothing but a damn fool! I thought you were simply someone not worth talking to, but I was wrong; you are not only an inept conversationalist, you are also the biggest, the most arrogant, headstrong, nuts-driving, immoral, ignorant, irresponsible, self-absorbed, self-deceiving, self-righteous asshole in the entire galaxy!"

Every face in the room paled considerably to corpse color. Qui-Gon's lips were trembling, his eyes glittering with transparent liquid, and his sudden blurt was tearful and hoarse, "I'm so sorry Obi!"

In triumph, Obi-Wan smiled, "That's more I like it."

...

"Obi-Wan is ready." Qui-Gon offered helpfully to the Council, hoping Obi-Wan could stand out and defend him.

But Obi-Wan made no response.

As if on cue, everyone turned his or her attention to Obi-Wan, who was wearing a detached, idiotic grin that plainly suggested daydreaming.

Displeased with his Padawan's lack of support, Qui-Gon called out, "Obi-Wan?"

"What?" Obi-Wan was abruptly knocked off from his musing, "What did you say?"

The Council Members exchanged looks; Qui-Gon looked as if he was embarrassed, "Are you ready to face the trials?"

Obi-Wan stepped forward. His chance to make up for Qui-Gon's stupid Chosen One argument and apply his fantasy to reality. He was gonna say something that would totally change Qui-Gon's and the Council's mindset; he was gonna point out all the logical flaws and all the myths that clouded their visions; he was gonna say something that was so significant that the world would no longer be the same with his words...

"I'm ready to face the trials."

Goddamn it. Oh' well.

The End

Author's Final Note:

I confess that I did try to prove that Qui-Gon Jinn's point in training Anakin Skywalker is ridiculous and unworkable in logic. However, though this piece of writing is an argument-filled fiction, primarily it is still a fiction in nature. All language used in this fiction is in fictional context, and therefore it should not be regarded as the language the author would use in actual debates. All *'s indicate quotes or events taken from the original movie (so go and watch it already!). Email me if you need further proof for that. Many thanks to Kally for your heart-warming encouragement, and many thanks to Nuuann for sending my fic on-list. Thank you both for being my most loyal ally in scolding this Qui-Gon guy.