Riding the Wheel of… What the Hell?
(A Wheel Special Presentation)
by Sioned (merisel_1@yahoo.com)
based on the idea by MrsHamill (thamill@cox.rr.com)
Archive: By Master & Apprentice, my site
(http://darkpine.net/HiddenRealm/mm/mh.html) and Sith
Academy
Pairing: Other (You'll see)
Category: Alternate Universe
Rating: NC-17 for the series; this episode rated PG-13 for drug
use
Disclaimer: George Lucas, as always, owns everything.
Warning: Spew. Serious Spew.
Summary: Two Obi's, two hamsters, and a cat (takes place
possibly some time after episode 22).
Notes: From Sioned: Special thanks to Terri and Siubhan for
letting me play in their respective sandboxes.
From terri: Sioned asked me to post this on M-A for her, since
she's having problems with her computer. This is already on
Sith Academy… and it's a howl. It's not 'canon' Wheel,
exactly, but it's pretty damn close. Just a bit of insanity
before the angst starts, me dears. Thanks, Sioned!
Obi-Wan Kenobi slumped to his knees, nearly deafened by the
bang of displaced air. Trying to get his bearings, he stood and
looked around the Temple garden, confused by the rows of
strange-looking plants all around him. There were very few
trees in this garden, one of which had a figure lying at the
base of its trunk. A large, very familiar figure.
"Uhhnnn," the man groaned, opening his eyes just long enough
for them to roll into the back of his head.
"Master!" Obi-Wan repeated, alarmed now. Had Qui-Gon been
poisoned?
"Stoned he is," said a voice behind him. "Useless he will be to
you."
Obi-Wan turned around, staring in shock at Master Yoda. "Master
Yoda?" he gasped, staggering back against the tree.
"Back again you are," Yoda stated, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that he was wearing a scarlet corset with matching
lipstick.
"Apparently," Obi-wan said, carefully stepping back, keeping
the tree between him and Yoda. "The question is why?"
"Hmmm. Strong disturbance I sense. In the Force this time."
"This time?" Obi-Wan repeated, bewildered.
"Help him you must. Yes."
"Help who?"
"Help yourself you must," Yoda clarified.
"Where am I… I mean, where is he?" Obi-Wan corrected,
shaking his head at Yoda's gold laminated claws.
"Take you there I can. Yes. Hmmm. Come," Yoda said, hobbling
off.
"No! I mean, I think you should just tell me where to find
him," Obi-Wan suggested, not about to let himself be lured
inside that particular Jedi Temple.
"Hmmppphhhh. Stubborn you are," a disappointed Yoda declared
before giving Obi-Wan directions.
Obi-Wan stood in front of a bank of elevators, annoyed by the
out-of-order sign taped onto every single door. Climbing
forty-two flights of stairs was not what he had in mind.
He had just reached the thirty-ninth floor when a commotion
coming from somewhere above brought him to a sudden stop.
"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!"
Startled by the horrified wail, Obi-Wan looked up just in time
to see a ball of fur and claws launching itself at him.
Instinctively covering his face, he lost his balance and
tumbled down the stairs, catching a glimpse of a small striped
something darting past him.
He had just managed to struggle to his feet when someone else
crashed into him, a human this time, knocking him flat on his
ass again.
"I'm... sorry," the man blubbered as he helped Obi-Wan to his
feet.
Feeling a growing wet spot on his robe, Obi-Wan finally shoved
the man back, made difficult by the fact that he was now
clinging to him for dear life.
"What the.... Obi-Wan Kenobi?" he asked as he finally got a
look at the man, astonished by the cascade of tears running
down his doubles face.
"Yes," the other Obi-Wan sniffled. "Who are you? Wow! You look
just like me. Do I have another twin brother?" he asked,
smiling brightly.
"No. Not exactly. Look, just call me Ben. What was that?" Ben
asked, wincing in pain as he glanced over his shoulder. He
watched, nearly transfixed, as Obi-Wan's face instantly
crumbled.
"You've got to help me!" Obi-Wan sobbed, flinging his arms
around Ben again. "She's got Fluffi-Wan!"
"Wait a minute... Get off me!" Ben ordered, shoving Obi-Wan
back again. "Who's she? And who's this Fluffi-Wan?" he asked,
taken aback by that last name. Fluffi-Wan??
"Fluffi-Wan's my pet hamster," Obi-Wan replied, still
sniffling. "My neighbor's cat has him. I think she's... going
to... kill him..."
Astonished, Ben watched as Obi-Wan burst into tears again. Is
this why the Force had sent him here again? To rescue a
hamster?
"No one's going to kill your hamster," Ben told him firmly,
attempting to take this situation seriously. "Do you know where
it.. she was going?"
"The boiler room, I think. She's been hanging out down there
ever since Maul left on a vacation three days ago. I don't
understand what happened," Obi-Wan said as he followed Ben down
to the boiler room. "They usually get along so well."
Looking warily around, Ben pulled another lightsaber out of his
bag and ignited it, trying to ignore Obi-Wan, who was
practically squealing in his ear.
"You can't kill her! She's a life-form!"
"Quiet! And get off me!" Ben ordered, shrugging Obi-Wan off of
his back as he whirled around, hearing the sound of claws being
scraped along a metal pipe. "Stay here."
Stepping out into the middle of the boiler room, Ben stared up
at the ceiling in disbelief. There was Fluffi-Wan, tied up and
gagged, hanging from a steel beam by a pink feather boa. A
small cat was lying across the beam, slowly sharpening her
claws on the boa, which was now starting to fray. A deep hole
was directly underneath them, certain death for the small
hamster if he fell.
Fluffi-Wan looked down at Ben with glazed eyes, silently
pleading for help.
"FLUFFFYYYY!" Obi-Wan screamed, trying to rush forward.
"Get back!" Ben ordered, watching as the small cat looked down
at them with a demented grin before continuing to sharpen her
claws. He turned off his lightsaber and glanced across the room
again, judging the distance. The boa was going to give any
second now. He put his bag of lightsabers on the floor and
waited.
The moment it snapped Ben moved, running towards the hole and
somersaulting over it, catching Fluffi-Wan in mid-air. Hearing
an angry hissing noise as he landed, Ben looked back up at the
steel beam, but the cat had already disappeared.
"Wow! That was amazing!" Obi-Wan gushed as he rushed over to
them.
Ignoring him for the moment, Ben quickly removed the gag from
the hamster, nearly dropping the small animal when it suddenly
vomited onto his robe and passed out.
"Ewwwww!" Obi-Wan exclaimed in disgust. "I'm really sorry about
that. Would you like to come up to my room? I could clean that
for you," he offered.
"I think I'll do that," Ben said, looking down at the dark
stain as he handed the limp hamster to Obi-Wan.
"Are you all right, Fluffy Wuffy?" Obi-Wan cooed as he led the
way to the elevators.
"They're out of order," Ben said, pointing to the signs.
"Oh, no. They're working fine. Maul put those signs up before
he left. He loves a good joke."
Shaking his head, Ben followed Obi-Wan into one of the
elevator.
"What are you doing here?!?" Ben demanded, reaching for a
lightsaber as Senator Palpatine casually strolled into
Obi-Wan's apartment.
"I merely thought that Obi-Wan might appreciate a visit from
his father," Palpatine said with a bright smile.
"You're... his father?" Ben asked in disbelief. What the hell
had he gotten himself into this time?
"What's going on here?" asked a dark-haired woman dressed in
black leather, walking in behind Palpatine. "Obi-Wan called me
up in a panic about his stupid hamster."
"Dad! Sis!" Obi-Wan cried happily as he returned from the
bathroom. "Ben, this is my father, Senator Palpatine, and my
sister, Mary Sue. This is Ben. He saved Fluffi-Wan's life!"
"Did he?" the Senator asked, looking Ben up and down with a
leer.
"Now wait a minute," the woman exclaimed, studying Obi-Wan's
face. "Are you taking Perkium again?"
Wearing a blank expression, Obi-Wan looked over at Palpatine.
"Dad!" Mary Sue warned, following her brother's gaze.
"Yes, it was my doing," Palpatine admitted. "I'm expecting a
large donation to my campaign, and I can't afford to have any
offspring stealing more cars until after I've acquired it."
"You drugged him?" Ben asked, feeling a little ill.
"Just for a day or two," Palpatine said, ogling Ben again. "It
will wear off, I assure you."
"And how long is that going to take?" Mary Sue snapped, barely
mollified.
"Not long, I'm sure. Don't worry," he said with an oily smile.
"Obi-Wan will be back to normal in no time.
"He'd better!" Mary Sue grouched before looking Ben over with a
grin.
Ignoring the looks he was getting, Ben turned to Obi-Wan.
"You're a thief?"
"Well, I was," Obi-Wan admitted, squirming. "But that was a
long time ago."
"That was last month," Palpatine reminded him.
"I think it's time we left," Mary Sue said as she and her
father both admired Ben's rear.
Continuing to ignore them, Ben suddenly whirled around, feeling
someone pinching his ass. Mary Sue and Palpatine looked back at
him, innocent expressions on both of their faces as they left
Obi-Wan's apartment.
"They're the best!" Obi-Wan gushed as Ben shook his head in
disgust.
"Oh, by the way, your robe's finally clean. I hung it up to
dry.
"You said earlier that this cat usually got along with your
hamster," Ben began, not believing that for a moment. "Do you
have any idea what caused this change in behavior?"
"Well, I'm not sure. She started acting strange earlier today,
right after she played with this," Obi-Wan told him, picking up
a shredded sofa cushion from the floor.
Ben took it from him and examined it. Catching a glimpse of
something inside, he reached in and pulled out a ripped and
chewed on plastic bag. It contained what looked like dried
mushrooms.
"Wow, you found it!" Obi-Wan exclaimed, then went on to
explain. "That belongs to my Master. He lost it over a year
ago."
"Actually, I think that cat found it first," Ben told him. "Do
you know where it... she might be now?"
"She's probably back in Mauls apartment. He lives right next
door. I have a key," a blushing Obi-Wan told Ben, oblivious to
his shudder.
Following Obi-Wan next door, Ben stopped in the middle of the
room, amazed by the filthy condition. There were pizza boxes
everywhere. One of them had tiny life-forms crawling around the
outside that bore a strong resemblance to chunks of pineapple.
They were building what looked like a small round spaceship out
of pieces of empty beer cans and the insides of a television
remote control.
"There she is," Obi-Wan said quietly, pointing to a small
striped cat sleeping peacefully on a dirty sweater.
"Poor widdle kitty," Obi-Wan gushed. "I hope she's back to
normal before Maul gets back." He looked down at the red and
green striped sweater. "Yuck! She must have found that in the
boiler room."
Ben crept over to her, wrapping her up in the sweater as she
woke. Yawning, the cat looked up at him in a drugged haze
before falling back asleep. "She seems to be sleeping it off
now," Ben said after examining her.
"Perhaps she'll be safer in your room," he added, glancing over
at the small spacecraft. It actually looked as if it was close
to being operational.
"I can't thank you enough!" Obi-Wan exclaimed after checking
on the still sleeping pets. He threw his arms around Ben,
holding him tightly.
"Let go," Ben ordered, uncomfortable by the way Obi-Wan was
clinging to him, and by the look in the other hamsters eyes.
Obi-Wan ignored his words, hugging him even tighter, oblivious
to the growing jealousy of the other hamster.
Speaking of growing, Ben thought as Obi-Wan hips started to
grind against his. Oddly enough, Obi-Wan didn't even seem aware
of what he was doing.
"Enough!" Ben yelled, pushing Obi-Wan away the same moment the
hamster, Cuddles, launched his attack. It leaped off the table
it was on and landed on Ben's shoulder.
Taking a step back, Ben bumped into the sofa, falling over
backwards as he felt tiny teeth sinking into his neck. "Get
off!!" he yelled.
"Cuddles!!! NOOoooo!" Obi-Wan shrieked, running over to pull
the hamster off Ben.
"Knew this would happen I did," Yoda stated from the now-open
door.
"How did you get in here?" Obi-Wan asked, alarmed by the huge
feathered headdress Yoda was wearing. "And what are you
wearing??"
"Gave me key, Qui-Gon did. Concerned for you, he was," Yoda
told them, looking down at his sequined minidress. "Hmmm.
Anniversary it is, at the Gray Side. Going there eight years I
have been"
Feeling violently ill, Ben stood and rushed to the bathroom.
"Hmmmpphh. Sith, it is!" Yoda declared, pointing his cane at
Cuddles.
Obi-Wan looked up at him, horrified. He scrambled to his feet,
shielding the hamster as if Yoda had just attempted to kill it.
"No. He's not! He just needs more Perkium!"
"Hmmm. Not fix everything, do drugs. Know that, I do," Yoda
sighed, pulling at what little hair he had left.
"What's the deal, dude?" Mace Windu said from the doorway. "The
green guy said there was something goin' down over here." He
walked inside the room, followed by an unsteady Qui-Gon.
"Hi, Master. Look what we found," Obi-Wan said cheerfully,
holding up the plastic bag as Ben returned from the bathroom.
"Thanks, man," Mace said, taking the bag and sniffing it.
"Whew!"
"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon asked, squinting from one to the other with
bleary eyes. He took a step forward and tripped, knocking Ben
to the floor and landing on top of him.
"Get him off me!!!" Ben screamed, sounding remarkably like his
double in that instance as he struggled under the larger man's
weight.
"C'mon man. Time for that later," Windu said, pulling Qui-Gon
off. "You need to chill, man. Try some," he added, pulling a
bong out of a hidden pocket and offering it to Ben.
"No, thank you!"
"Decide you must, whether to inhale," Yoda advised, studying
his painted claws.
"Absolutely not!" Ben exclaimed, incensed. "I've got to get out
of here!" he muttered, trying to remember the way back to the
Temple.
"Take you to the garden I will," Yoda suggested.
"No! Do you know the way to the garden?" Ben asked Obi-Wan.
"Sure, I've been there a few times. Qui-Gon usually goes there
once a week," Obi-Wan said as he put Cuddles in the Habitrail
next to the still unconscious Fluffi-Wan.
"Good! Come on," Ben said, dragging Obi-Wan out the door with
him.
"Hmmpphhh. Need that I do," Yoda declared, grabbing the bong
from Mace's hand.
"How is Fluffi-Wan, anyway?" Ben asked as they reached the
garden. He immediately regretted the question when Obi-Wan's
eyes filled up with tears.
"He might have to be sent to a Happy Farm for therapy. It could
take weeks for him to recover!" Obi-Wan exclaimed, his lower
lip quivering.
Shaking his head in despair, and hoping to never find himself
here again, Ben pulled out his lightsaber and pressed the
button.
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