Archive: By Master & Apprentice, my site, WWOMB and
SithChicks
Pairing: O/Other, Q/Other, O/Q
Category: Alternate Universe
Rating: NC-17 for the series; this episode rated PG-13
Disclaimer: This is completely illegal. I know that, you know
that, let's get to reading, shall we?
Warning: Hmm... for spew, I guess, but nothing else.
Summary: Follows canon. Qui is dead, and in building a new
lightsaber Obi accidentally finds a way to move to different
realities, where he discovers many strange and wondrous things
in his quest to be with his beloved Master again.
Notes: I'm paying homage to the great SF author, L. Sprague
DeCamp with this story. Back in the 30's-40's he wrote the
definitive AU novel called "The Wheels of If", which conceit
I'm borrowing here. Thanks (as always) to Beta Readers Par
Excellence Fox, HiperBunny and Emrin Alexander. Thank you,
ladies, my cup runneth over with your support.
A few days riding the Wheel...
"...although I don't exactly know how it works. But that's how
I came to be traveling between the realities, Master Yoda."
Obi-Wan Kenobi sighed and took a sip of his tea. Yoda sat
across the table from him, munching thoughtfully on a root and
staring at him.
"Interesting story this is, young Knight," he finally said in
his odd voice. Doubt you I might, but strong in the Force are
you." After a moment, Yoda continued. "Seek something you do,
hmmm? Seek what, I wonder?"
"My Master," Obi-Wan said, looking down at the table. "Qui-Gon
died on Naboo. We were fighting the Sith--" Yoda's ears perked
up at that- "and, well, he died in my arms. I never... I never
got a chance to tell him I love him. So I am seeking a reality
I can call home... where perhaps I died instead of him, or
perhaps I don't exist, yet. Tell me... Qui-Gon Jinn does exist
in this reality?"
Ears drooping slightly, Yoda said, "Sorry I am to tell you, but
know that name I do not. Know your name I do not either."
Sinking a bit in his chair, Obi-Wan said, "Well. That answers
that question."
"Ask you I do, not to go yet. Hear more I would. Council would
hear of it too, if willing you are. Stay, can you, for a day?"
Smiling without mirth, Obi-Wan replied, "Certainly, Master
Yoda. But I should be off again tomorrow, if you don't mind."
"...but how it works, I haven't a clue." Obi-Wan took a sip of
his juice and regarded the ancient green Master sitting across
from him. "Qui-Gon Jinn was my Master, and he died on Naboo. So
I'm continuing to travel, much at the whim of the Force, I
guess, and continue to look for a home. Did... does Qui-Gon
exist in this reality?"
"Qui-Gon Jinn my Padawan was," Yoda said sadly. "Died he did,
years ago. On Bandomeer it was."
"Oh." Obi-Wan took another sip. "Well. I guess that settles
that then. Before I go, let me tell you about what the Sith are
up to..."
"...that's a mystery to me as well, Master Yoda," Obi-Wan said,
laughing with the elderly master. "If I knew how it worked..."
he shrugged and took another sip of the strong cha.
"Interesting this is," Yoda mused, his sharp eyes examining the
man across from him. "Much sadness I sense in you, but strength
as well. The Force is strong in you, young Knight."
"The Force has pretty much had its way with me for a few months
now," Obi-Wan agreed ruefully. "And I can't say it's all been a
bed of flowers." Sipping his cha, he said, "You've told me that
Qui-Gon was your Padawan, and from what you've said I guess I
exist here too. Are they...?"
"Bondmates they are," Yoda said proudly. "Fought the Sith they
did on Naboo, now hunt Sith Master they do. Find him they will,
doubt it I do not."
Nodding, Obi-Wan smiled wryly. "Then I won't interfere. But let
me tell you a bit of what I've found out in other realities, so
that you can pass the information along to them as you see
fit..."
"...and this is good root beer," Obi-Wan finished, draining his
bottle. "I would appreciate being able to take some with me
when I go."
"Take some, you can," Yoda agreed, his eyes twinkling. "But
stay, I would like you to, for a day at least. Talk to Council,
you should, about Sith."
Obi-Wan sighed. "Of course, Master Yoda. I'd be pleased to.
Especially since it killed both me and Qui-Gon in this
reality."
Ears drooping, Yoda said softly, "Great loss to us that was.
Great mystery as well, how they had come to be killed.
Information you bring is timely, young Knight." He stared at
Obi-Wan for a moment, then added, "Stay, can you, for the day
to speak with Council?"
Shoving down his disappointment, Obi-Wan smiled and said, "Of
course, Master Yoda."
The bang of displaced air fading in his ears, Obi-Wan continued
to sit with his eyes closed for a few moments before looking
around. // And another one, // he thought to himself dryly. For
the past two weeks he had been on a round of mind-numbing
Temples... all pretty much the same, all in the beginnings of
the Sith incursion, none to be his home. // I guess it beats
some of the weirder ones, though, // he admitted to himself.
Wearily, the young Knight opened his eyes... and gaped. The
Temple and the garden were virtually the same, but where he
would normally have seen the blue Coruscant sky filled with all
manner of air traffic, instead there was a shimmering field of
some kind that appeared to encompass the entire Temple, to stop
just inside the outer walls. // What in the name of...? // he
thought, scratching his head and rising.
A clatter and stamp of boots was all the warning he had before
a shout of "There he is!" made him turn. Several Jedi Knights,
all wearing blue armbands, were heading his way purposefully.
Fingering his 'switch' 'saber, Obi-Wan waited for them, ready
to bolt but unwilling to... yet.
He bowed as the leader approached. "Can I help you...?"
Brusquely, the Knight in the lead answered, "Please come with
us. We're to take you to the Council Chamber immediately."
Nonplused, Obi-Wan said, "But... wait. Do you know me? Why...?"
"It doesn't matter," the strange Knight answered quickly, but
not unsympathetically. "You're new. The Council needs to see
you right now. Please... this way."
Falling into place next to the Knight, a perplexed Obi-Wan
wasn't even able to ask any questions before being rushed into
the Temple. As he was hurried down various corridors, he
noticed pairs of Jedi everywhere - it seemed every alcove and
bench contained a couple in the throes of passion, kissing,
rubbing, even...
Obi-Wan looked away quickly as he passed two older male
Padawans grunting together in a glassed-in alcove. A quick look
at his escort showed that no one was even remotely bothered or
even seemed to notice. Even the waiting room for the Council
Chamber held copulating couples, to Obi-Wan's embarrassment.
But he was swept right by, entering the familiar, large room.
All the Councilors were present except Yoda, but there was no
empty chair. Frowning, he looked around, but everything else
looked normal.
Mace Windu was the first to speak. "Thank you for coming so
quickly," he said. "Are you a virgin?"
Mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, Obi-Wan
blinked. "I-what? Wait. What is going on..."
"Please, Knight, we need to know. Are you a virgin?"
"Uh... I-um... No. Look. What is going on here? My name..."
"Your name is unimportant, really," Windu said earnestly,
waving his hand. "You ARE a Jedi Knight, you're new to the
Temple, and you're not a... Have you had more than a dozen
partners?"
Obi-Wan had to laugh a bit at the absurdity of the situation
and the questions. "Well, no, I guess not..."
A collective sigh went around the room. "Fewer than five?"
Windu insisted.
This was going beyond absurd and bordering on ludicrous,
Obi-Wan thought. "I guess it depends on how many Qui-Gon's you
count and whether doing it with yourself is masturbation! WHAT
is going on here?"
Windu exchanged glances with the other Councilors and smiled.
"I think perhaps we have a possibility here..." he said.
"Knight, the Order calls you to service," he intoned, using the
ritual words. Obi-Wan frowned.
"Until I know what's..." his words were cut off by a shriek
from behind the door leading to the antechamber. At least,
that's where it always led in the past... now, Obi-Wan wasn't
too sure.
"NEW ONE THERE IS!" The voice was quite unmistakable, but the
volume... The other Councilors winced and as a unit glanced at
the door. "BRING TO ME YOU MUST!"
"We have to hurry," Windu muttered. "Come with me, please."
Standing, Windu nearly ran out of the room, grabbing Obi-Wan in
passing and dragging the Knight in his wake. As they left the
room, he could hear another shriek behind him. "WILL OF THE
FORCE IT IS! TAKE YOUR HANDS FROM ME YOU WILL!"
Hurrying to keep up with the dark Councilor, Obi-Wan asked
breathlessly, "Master Windu... what is... Slow down, will you!
What's going on here?"
Reluctantly slowing to a more reasonable pace, Windu glanced at
the young Knight. "You know me? I don't recognize you at all."
"My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi," Obi-Wan said, tucking the 'saber
he still held in his hand to the back of his belt. His
newly-crafted, properly-working 'saber remained where it was on
his belt, and something told him he would be using it before
long. "I'm... well, I'm not from this reality. This dimension.
I'm from a different one. I'm traveling..."
"A different dimension? Well! That explains how you got through
the force field, then," Windu said. He seemed completely at
ease with the idea that Obi-Wan could be traveling around the
universes and actually appeared to be completely incurious
about it. "Lucky for us you ended up here, then. I think you
may actually have a chance to defeat it."
"Defeat WHAT?" Obi-Wan suddenly stopped and planted his boots.
Arms crossed, he glared at the big Councilor. "All right, start
talking. What is going on here? The Temple appears to be in an
uproar, there are pairs of quite busy Jedi everywhere, and was
that voice I heard Yo-
"SHHHH!" Windu abruptly turned and slapped a big hand across
his mouth. "Are you mad?"
"No, but I'm beginning to think everyone else is," Obi-Wan
mumbled around the hand over his mouth. "You said 'defeat it.'
I heard you. Now either you explain or I'm leaving."
"All right, all right... fine." Foot tapping impatiently and
frequently looking over his shoulder, Windu began speaking in a
low, quick voice. "Defeat the Sith we have captured. That's
what we want you to do. And yes, that voice you heard was His.
He's told us that the only one who might have a chance at
defeating the Sith is a virgin, which is why I've asked you.
And that's why everyone you see is so busy... no one wants to
be a virgin. Add to the fact that He likes virgins... and you
might get the picture."
"'He' meaning..." Obi-Wan trailed off, a look of horror on his
face. "But... but..."
"Exactly," Windu said. "Which is why I hustled you out of there
so quickly. If you're to have even a ghost of a chance, we need
to keep you away from Him." Once again urging the young man to
move, Windu kept talking as they dodged pairs of Padawans and
Knights writhing and moaning in the hallways. "It showed up a
few weeks ago. We managed to trap it before it did any damage,
but no one here is really up to fighting it. Not properly.
Hell, we don't really even know what it IS, aside from an ugly
thing. And then He told us that only a virgin would have a
chance at defeating it. And since no one wants to face it OR
Him..."
Obi-Wan shook his head sharply. This was simply too weird...
"Oh, all right, take me to this thing. I have not got any clue
what is going on here, but the Force brought me here for a
reason..."
"That's the spirit!" Windu said, clapping him on the back and
hurrying him forward.
One whole resident floor of the Temple had been evacuated, as
they had trapped the alleged Sith in one of the apartments.
Windu basically shoved him out of the elevator while calling
out the apartment number; when Obi-Wan turned back around, the
big man was gone.
Grimacing, he cautiously moved down the corridor, the paranoia
that surrounded him finally edging into his nerves. As he
reached the apartment in question, he drew his 'saber but did
not ignite it... he reached to ensure his other 'saber, the
'switch', was still there, then palmed open the door.
The room was quite dim, but then it looked out on the other
side of the Temple from the sun, and there was that shield to
think about. In a large armchair, reading a book, was a
dark-robed figure. Frowning, Obi-Wan turned up the lights and
gasped. The figure on the chair was the same red-and-black
patterned, horned monster that had killed Qui-Gon. His mouth
went dry and he froze in shock.
The creature looked up as the lights went up and actually
smiled. "Hello," it said in a warm, rich, cultured voice. "My
name is Maul. Are you here to finally..."
"My name is Obi-Wan Kenobi," Obi-Wan ground out, igniting his
'saber. "You killed my Master. Prepare to die."
"Now wait just a moment," the thing said quickly, jumping to
it's feet and placing the chair between it and the enraged
Jedi. "I haven't killed ANYbody. Truly. Never have in my life.
I mean... I'm a pacifist."
Obi-Wan forced himself to stop his mindless advance and take a
deep breath. This... this creature was very much unlike the
thing that he fought - and killed, he reminded himself - and
even though his every instinct was to destroy it, he was a
Jedi, dammit, and would not follow his baser instincts.
Reluctantly, he powered down his 'saber.
Maul visibly relaxed, but did not leave his position from the
other side of the chair. "Whew. Thank you. You had me going
there for a moment, Knight...Kenobi, was it?"
"Yes," Obi-Wan bit out, still trembling in reaction.
Chuckling a little hysterically, Maul said, "Well, I certainly
didn't expect this... but then, I didn't expect to be trapped
in here for weeks either. I was hoping that you would have been
sent by Master Yoda with an answer or maybe an order for
me...?" The hopeful expression on Maul's face rather confused
Obi-Wan.
"An Order?" He asked. "For what? Double-sided 'sabers? Sith
drones?"
Blinking, Maul said, "Huh?"
// This was turning out to be one hell of a confusing day, //
Obi-Wan thought. "Look. You're a Sith. What could Master Yoda -
a Jedi - want to place an order with you for?"
"A what?" Maul's honest-seeming confusion simply aggravated
Obi-Wan. Sensing that, Maul held up his hands. "Wait, wait.
What do you think I am?"
"You. Are. A. Sith." Obi-Wan was very deliberate and was
actually quite proud of the way he kept from growling. "Look at
you. You wear black, you carry that hideous lightsaber, and
let's face it, you're not about to win any beauty contests."
Eyes opening very wide, Maul reared back in shock. "Well... I
...I-I never! I' ll have you know I'm considered quite
attractive among my people. And of COURSE I wear black! What
else could I wear? My skin is black and red, in case you
haven't noticed, Mr. Tolerance, and I'll have you know I am NOT
a autumn. Red looks hideous on me. My people normally go
without the burden of clothing altogether, actually, but in my
sales handbook it's made VERY clear what - what PRUDES the Jedi
are. Which is why I made sure to dress tastefully before coming
to my meeting with Master Yoda. And THIS," he drew and waved
the handle of his 'saber around, "THIS happens to be a very
fine, state-of-the-art communications device which has been
rendered USELESS because of this ludicrously long decision
making process you Jedi have!"
Panting now, Maul didn't realize it but he had come around the
chair and was facing down, well, actually, facing up to Obi-Wan
since he was so short (// I never noticed how short he was
before, // Obi-Wan thought to himself). "And just WHERE is that
crazy green troll? He promised me he would be getting back to
me; that was WEEKS ago. To hell with my sales record, I have a
family to get back to! Are you idiot Jedi going to buy or not?"
Maul was only inches from him now, in a righteous rage, his
hands on hips and his eyes blazing. Well, they were probably
always blazing, but they were worse at the moment. Obi-Wan
forced himself to close his mouth and tried desperately to get
his brain back in gear. "Something... this is very strange.
Shall we... shall we sit and you can tell me your version of
the story?"
Frowning thunderously, Maul finally nodded and took his seat
again. Obi-Wan settled himself on the sofa and took a few deep
breaths, calming himself. "All right. Let's start at the
beginning. You arrived at the Temple a few weeks ago?"
Copying the Knight's relaxation techniques, Maul also got
himself under control. "Yes. My company had made an appointment
to meet with Master Yoda. Shortly after I saw him and made him
my proposal, he had me escorted here and locked in. The next
thing I knew, some sort of force field was put into place
around your Temple and I was completely cut off. The door
wouldn 't open for me, and I could use no communicators.
"Now, I was told by my sales manager that the Jedi would be a
hard sell, and that I might encounter some resistance. But
really! To lock a salesman up and keep him a prisoner for
weeks?! I think that almost crosses into the criminal, don't
you? I've been patient - hell, I had no choice! - but I think
I'd just as soon forego the sale if this is going to continue."
Obi-Wan's eyes got larger and larger as the man across from him
spoke. Finally, he said, "Maul. That's your name?"
"Yes," Maul replied, frowning.
"Tell me... tell me what you're selling?"
Taken aback, Maul said, "You don't KNOW? Then you're not from
Master Yoda."
"No, I don't know, and no, I'm not from Master Yoda. He...
well, nearly everyone... seems to have gone insane. Please,
tell me what you're selling."
Maul sighed. "I'm selling the Encyclopedia Galaxica. Merely the
finest reference text in the known universe. I figured the Jedi
Temple would be a shoe-in for at least fifty sets..."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and slumped back in his chair. "Oh, my.
This is...Oh, my."
The two men sat in silence for a time, Maul looking very
puzzled and slightly vexed, and Obi-Wan doing his level best to
keep from laughing out loud. Finally, the young Knight opened
his eyes and looked across at the man he thought of as his
worst enemy. "Would you like a root beer?"
The door proved to be no match for a 'saber, and soon Obi-Wan
was able to escort Maul out of his prison and up to the Council
Chamber. The copulating Jedi in the hallways melted out of
their path as they strolled, chatting amiably, down the
corridor. When they arrived at the Council Chamber, they went
right in to find all the Councilors trying to hide behind their
chairs. An inarticulate shriek from the antechamber made
Obi-Wan frown.
"SHUT UP YODA!" he bellowed, then turned and smiled at the
cowering Councilors. "May I present to the Council Mr. Maul,
from the Encyclopedia Glaxica Corporation. He would like to
sell the Temple fifty sets of the Encyclopedia. I would suggest
that the Temple purchase - at full cost - five hundred sets, as
reparation for keeping him prisoner for several weeks."
"Uh... um..." Mace Windu tremblingly came from behind his chair
to perch gingerly in it. He stared at the two men before him
and began to speak, only to be cut off.
"EVIL!! EVIL!! THE FORCE WILLS A..."
"I SAID, shut UP Yoda!" Obi-Wan bellowed again. "Don't make me
come in there, you little green troll!" Privately, Obi-Wan
reflected to himself that it really made him feel good to be
able to yell that. Perhaps all the realities were getting to
him, finally.
"Of-of course... five hundred sets... do - do you want a check
or... Mr. Maul? Sir?"
"The Jedi Temple is well known," Maul said expansively. "A
signature would be sufficient. As long as the force field comes
down and you can send and receive mail?"
"Oh... of course, of course," Windu seemed a little more at
ease with every passing minute.
"Fine, fine, then. If I could get your thumbprint and signature
here on this order form," Maul presented a dataslate to Windu,
who gingerly took it and scanned it quickly. "And on this
section here I need some initials... and here, a thumbprint,
and I'll need a retina scan and a blood sample, all routine,
you know..."
There was silence from the antechamber as Obi-Wan turned and
strolled out of the Chamber. Chuckling, he made his way back to
the statuary garden, sat in lotus, centered himself and
disappeared.
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