Master Apprentice
Archive
What You Feel Is Right
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How can you lose something you never actually had? How can you mourn the loss of a dream that was only that - a dream?
You always said, "Someday." "In a few years." "When you're knighted." Then today, you dropped the bombshell. Anakin needs you, apparently, more than you think I do. "He can't do this alone," you said. I understand that. Really I do. But where does that leave us?
"Not that much will change," you said. "We'll still see each other. We'll be apart, of course, but there will be time for us. We just won't be living together as we'd planned." Will I never get my wish of awakening with you beside me, morning after morning, or falling asleep in your arms every night? Are we destined to see each other a few times a year, for the rest of our lives? If so, can I live with that? If not living with it means losing you altogether, then yes. But, it is breaking my heart.
I thank the Force that I did not lose you completely, that my nightmares of the Dark, horned thing on Naboo were unfounded. You did not die at its hands. So, why is it that I feel as if I've lost you? I was biding my time, trying to be patient, looking forward to the future we'd spend together. Now, those dreams lie in shattered pieces at my feet, and it hurts. So very, very much.
You must do what you feel is right, of course. I don't have to like it.
I am a Jedi. I will suck it up and try not to let you see too much of my pain. I will release my heartache to the Force. I will contend myself with the way things will be, and try to move past my expectations. I know you're hurting, too.
I still love you with all that I am. That will not change. I don't want to lose what we have, even though the future is not nearly so bright as it was before. I don't want to be alone, but I promise to be strong, because you need me to be. I do not promise not to grieve, not to mourn the life together that we'll probably never have.
Because I am mourning, even now.
Your bondmate,
OWK