Master Apprentice  Archive What Happens Tomorrow? |
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Archive: MA, any others just ask, I probably won't say no
My Home Page: http://www.jediphiles.com/~mali
Category: First time; Angst; Romance
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Qui-Gon /Obi-Wan
Summary: Obi-Wan wants to be in control . . . Can Qui-Gon give him what he wants?
Disclaimer: These beautiful boys aren't mine, they belong to George. I'm just playing with them for a bit. I promise to put them back when I'm done. Don't sue - I've got no money. I've spent it all on seeing TPM way too many times and buying SW toys and feeding my Liam obsession.
Feedback: Oh yes, please. Good, bad or indifferent.
Notes: First of all, Happy Belated Birthday Sybil!
I am so grateful to all of those who've joined me in BIC and participated in the "write-a-thons", for lack of a better word, and for the incredible encouragement I've received. I owe a huge debt of gratitude to first and foremost, Catnip, the one who initially agreed to give the whole "writing together but not co-writing" thing a try. But there have been many others who either wrote with me or cheered me on. Hilary, Mac, Dee, Glass Houses, Kimdy, Ethan, Rou, RoseArgent, Maji, and I think one or two others whose name I can't think of right now. And finally, thanks to my Master, my beta extraordinaire, and most importantly, my friend.
I am nervous - a feeling I find a bit unsettling as it is not something I've experienced in quite some time. Obi-Wan does that to me, though. He always has. From the moment I accepted him as my Padawan, he has continuously managed to stir up emotions I was certain were long buried.
A few hours ago, during a simple ceremony held in one of his favorite small gardens, I cut off his braid.
In a few short hours we will meet in our quarters for a more private ceremony. It is this ceremony that fills me with trepidation, for it is the time when our bond will be forever changed. But to what? That is his decision alone to make.
For many Master/Padawan pairs, there is no question as to what will happen during the private ceremony. The training bond is painlessly severed, and though most remain good friends throughout their lifetimes, the two go their separate paths. Others decide to pair-bond, taking their relationship to a higher level, and they become lovers for a time. Some of these couples eventually form a life-bond, as each of them makes the commitment to spend their lives bonded to one another. On very rare occasions, an actual soul-bond will be created through the Force, binding the two together even after death.
While I prepare our quarters for the ceremony, I cannot help but wonder what he will choose. I do not doubt that we will become lovers tonight. Our relationship has been headed in that direction for a long time now, though it is something we've never discussed. After spending so many years together as Master and Padawan, and sharing a training bond as strong as ours, it is quite natural to desire one another. Force knows I've been attracted to him for several years, and though he's tried to hide his feelings, I've been aware of his growing attraction to me for quite some time.
A long standing custom of the Jedi Knighting Ceremony is to allow this natural curiosity to be explored, provided the Master and Padawan are of a compatible species, and both are willing. Both of us are willing, I'm certain of that.
But what happens tomorrow? Will he rise from my bed, calmly request the severance of his training bond and then walk serenely out of my life? Will I only see him when both of us are on planet at the same time and he has a few minutes to spare to have a cup of tea with me? Will I be able to let him go so easily? I've become quite good at hiding my true feelings from him, but will I be able to continue to do so once he's shared my bed? Will I be able to hide my heart from him if all he wants is a casual affair?
I must get control of my fears. This is Obi-Wan's night, not mine. Whatever he wishes, I will give him. He deserves for this night to be perfect, and so it will be. I will not allow my anxiety to sway him in this. It must be his choice.
With still an hour or more to go before Obi-Wan returns to our quarters, and having finished the few preparations necessary for tonight's ceremony, I decide to spend the remaining time in meditation. It takes a bit of effort on my part, but eventually I am able to release my nervousness into the Force. Only then can I find my center and slide into the deep meditation my soul seems always to crave.
As night is falling over the Coruscant skyline, I emerge from my trance feeling centered and calm. I have never doubted the will of the Force, and to do so now would be folly. My meditation has given me the strength I need to face my fears, and to admit, if only to myself, how very much I love him. I cannot imagine life without him, but if that is the path laid out for me, I must accept it and go on.
It will not be long now, I think, glancing at the chrono. Obi-Wan has spent the afternoon in the Hall of Wisdom, participating in the ritualistic cleansing and meditation required of a new Knight. How I long to know his thoughts, his feelings, as he contemplates his past as well as his future. Our future. I can feel him through our training bond, and for a moment I do nothing more than savor the feeling of having the bright light that is my Obi-Wan in my mind. In my heart. In my soul. I try to imagine how it will feel to have that warmth gone from my life, and the pain seems more than I can bear. I wonder again if I will have the strength to sever our training bond if that is what he so desires. I give myself a mental shake and once again release my fears into the Force. I will do what is best for him. No matter what. I have not been a Jedi lo these many years to fail now. It is too important. He is too important.
Finally it is time. I can feel his presence growing stronger as he nears our quarters. I stand in the common room, which is now softly lit with several candles scattered throughout, awaiting his arrival. I am ready.
With a soft swish, the door opens and he steps inside. For a long moment we do nothing more than stare at each other, so much to be said between us, yet we remain silent.
"Knight Kenobi," I say finally, giving a slight bow.
"Master Jinn," he responds softly, returning my bow.
I begin to walk towards him, my arms opening in welcome. He stands ready; tall and proud in his dress whites. I stop in front of him and place my hands on his shoulders. He looks up at me and smiles, and without hesitation, I smile back. As tradition dictates, I lean down and place a soft kiss on each side of his face. "On behalf of all Jedi, it is both an honor and a privilege for me to welcome you into the Order, Knight Kenobi. May the Force always be with you."
"And with you, Master Jinn."
"You must be hungry after your long fast," I tell him as I guide him forward. He kneels at the small table and I take my place opposite him, also on my knees. "I've prepared a simple fare," I begin as I lift the lid from the dish on the table.
"For a Jedi's needs are simple," Obi-Wan finishes for me. I glance up and he is smiling at me, and once again I cannot stop myself from following suit. "You don't have to serve me, Master."
"It is tradition for the Master to serve the new Knight his first meal after the Knighting ceremony, Obi-Wan." I say, lowering my gaze back to the dish in my hand.
"Qui-Gon," his voice is soft, almost a caress. Even softer are the fingers he places on the back of my hand, stopping me from placing the food items on his plate. "I know all about the tradition of this ceremony. But nothing in the code demands that we follow it tonight. I will still be a Knight whether or not you serve me."
"Would you deny an old Master his last opportunity to follow rituals set forth by those who started the Jedi Order?"
Obi-Wan chuckles, drawing his hand from mine. "Far be it from me to deny an ancient Jedi Master one final pleasure before he draws his last breath."
"I can see you didn't spend nearly enough time on your knees meditating on the proper respect for your elders," I say, smiling despite my best efforts not to. I finish putting the cheese and fruit on his plate and hand it to him. "A simple fare," I repeat, looking at him.
He reaches for the plate and our fingers touch. "For a Jedi's needs are simple," he whispers, his eyes burning into mine.
"What do you need, my young Jedi Knight?" I ask, the plate we both still hold nearly forgotten between us.
He pulls the plate from my hand and puts it on the table. "My needs are simple," he says, rising to stand. He reaches out to me and I take his hand, allowing him to pull me to my feet. "All I need tonight is standing right in front of me."
"Obi-Wan," I begin, but he silences me by pressing a finger to my lips.
"There is only one question that needs to be asked," he says, moving closer. "Do you want to spend the night with me, Qui-Gon?"
"I . . ." So many thoughts are running through my mind. There is much I want to tell him, much I want him to say. But then he is moving around the table towards me, almost stalking me, and suddenly I can't remember what I thought was so important only a moment before.
"It's a very simple question, Qui-Gon. One that requires a very simple answer. Do you want to spend the night with me?" He is standing right in front of me, so close his breath warms my face as he looks up at me.
"Yes," I whisper. "I want to spend the night with you, Obi-Wan."
"I've waited so long for this night," he sighs as he reaches up and slides his hands around my neck. "So very long."
I allow his hands to gently tug my head towards him, while my arms, seemingly of their own accord, slip around his waist. His lips softly brush mine and I can't stop the moan he drags from me.
"Qui-Gon," he whispers against my mouth, and then he kisses me. His lips are tender and sweet and I pull him closer, my arms tight around him.
He takes his time and I wonder if I will survive his slow, torturous exploration. His hands move to the back of my head, and he holds me in place as he continues to nibble and taste just the outside of my lips. My mouth opens in a mute plea for him to deepen the kiss, and instead he slides his hot, wet tongue across my bottom lip. Another moan is torn from my throat as he pulls my bottom lip into his mouth and begins to suck on it, his tongue sliding easily over and around it.
As slowly as he began the kiss, he ends it, and this time I manage to swallow the moan that threatens to erupt from the loss of his satiny lips against mine. I open my eyes to find him looking at me, and it takes every ounce of control I have to keep myself from blurting out my feelings for him.
"I want to make love to you, Qui-Gon," he whispers softly, and I shudder at his words. "But I don't want our first time to be in the common room."
"This is your night, Obi-Wan," I answer huskily.
His eyes never leave mine as he begins to move forward, pushing me backward with each step. "For anything I want, right?"
"Anything, Obi-Wan."
"As long as both are willing," this said under his breath, almost as if he is reminding himself of the words written in the code, trying to reassure himself.
He is moving me steadily backwards, each step bringing us closer to my room. "I am willing, Obi-Wan," I tell him.
He stops then, his gaze burning into me. "That you are willing to sleep with me, I have no doubt," he begins, his voice soft and low. "But I'm not certain you are truly willing to give me anything I want."
"Obi-Wan, you may ask anything of me, and I assure you if it is mine to give, I will freely offer it to you."
With a low chuckle, he once again begins moving me backward. "You say that now, Master Jinn, but I wonder if you will be quite as willing when you find out what it is I want from you."
A shiver of excitement courses through my body as all sorts of thoughts run through my head. "What could you possibly ask of me, Knight Kenobi, that would give you cause to wonder at my willingness?"
Our voices hold a teasing tenor, but I know this isn't a game we are playing. Although it has been some time since I've shared my bed with a lover, I am certainly not a virgin. Nor am I ignorant of the many ways in which two men might find pleasure together. Yet when he smiles at me, a soft, slow dangerous smile, I swallow. Hard. The part of my brain still functioning is beginning to be a bit concerned at exactly what Obi-Wan might ask of me tonight.
I stop moving when I feel my bed behind me, but Obi-Wan keeps walking, stopping only when he is almost touching me. We stare at each other for a long moment, and I am certain if I look into those expressive eyes of his long enough, I will surely drown in them.
"What would you ask of me, my Obi-Wan?" I whisper softly.
He reaches up and gently traces my lips with one finger. Somehow I manage to remain still under his touch. Moving slowly, he slides his finger down my chin, through my beard and to my throat. He follows the line his finger has drawn with his eyes, and the heat of his gaze is almost a physical thing, burning me, marking me. He continues his one finger exploration until he has reached the vee of my tunic. He pauses there, and I watch, mesmerized, as the tip of his tongue slips out of his mouth, wetting his lips.
"Obi-Wan," I gasp softly.
He brings his eyes back up to mine and then takes a step backwards. "I want you, Qui-Gon." He smiles again, and it's the same dangerous smile as before. "I want everything tonight."
"I will give you anything," I whisper, and I have no doubt I speak the truth. If he were to ask for my blood, I would slit my own throat for him. I reach for him, but he takes another step backwards, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"Undress for me, Qui-Gon,"
As my fingers move to do his bidding, I think I am beginning to understand what it is that he needs from me tonight. After spending so many years as my Padawan, he wants to take the lead, and, more importantly, he needs to know that I am capable of allowing him to take control. And despite my fears, I hope I will be able to give him what he desires. On this night, of all nights, I must ignore my own needs and concentrate on his.
Without fanfare or pretense, I remove my tunic, toe off my boots and push my leggings down and off. I stand in the flickering candlelight, very aware of his eyes traveling slowly up and down my body. Under his lingering gaze, I feel my nipples harden, and my shaft twitches as it begins to thicken and rise.
He takes a step towards me and reaches out with one hand. "Very nice," he murmurs softly, sliding his palm up my arm. I shiver slightly under his whispery touch. He walks slowly around me, his hand trailing over my shoulder, across my back, to the other shoulder, and then around and down my chest. He has completed his circuit and is once again standing in front of me. "Very, very nice," he repeats, as his eyes finally move up to meet mine. His hand rests against my chest, directly over my heart, and I have no doubt he knows he is the reason it beats so quickly.
"Kiss me, Qui-Gon," he whispers, and between one heartbeat and the next, I've wrapped my arms around him, and pulling him close, I capture his lips with mine. His mouth opens to my insistent tongue, and there is nothing gentle or soft in this urgent claiming.
He leans up into the kiss, one hand still on my chest, the other at my neck; and then his tongue is battling mine for domination. Back and forth from my mouth to his -- our tongues dance a dance as old as time, and the sounds of our breaths whistling harshly through our noses gives testament to the strength of our desire. His erection presses against my naked thigh, and even through his leggings I can feel the heat of his hardness. I begin to yank at his clothing, desperate to rid him of the offending garments, while at the same time I try to pull him down with me, onto the bed.
"Wait," he gasps, jerking his head back, and it takes me a moment to understand that he is trying to push himself away from me. Instantly I release him, and he staggers back a step. We stare wide-eyed at each other, both of us struggling to catch our breath.
"Wait?" I somehow manage to croak, wondering how he can hear me over the sound of my ragged breathing and wildly beating heart.
He chuckles softly, and my eyes are drawn to his lips. Swollen and bruised, they seem to taunt me, and it takes every ounce of my control to stop myself from lurching forward and finishing what I started. I take a deep breath and try to relax, a task I find nearly impossible as my body yearns for his touch.
"Watch me," Obi-Wan says, his voice growing deep and husky.
A shiver of anticipation courses through my body, and my heartbeat, which had finally begun to slow to a more normal pace, once again picks up speed. "I'm watching," I tell him as I sit on the edge of the bed.
Ever the showman, Obi-Wan doesn't disappoint me. Moving slowly, sensuously, he kicks off his boots and slides his hands down his chest. A moment later the sash keeping his tunics closed falls to the floor. A roll of his shoulders, and his tunic slips off, revealing a finely muscled chest, small pink nipples that seem to beg to be sucked, and a taut, slender abdomen. He hooks his thumbs into the waistband of his leggings and with twist of his hips, begins to push them down. He takes his time, baring his flesh inch by tantalizing inch, until I am certain I will go mad with anticipation.
"Obi-Wan," I groan, as the reddish-purple tip of his swollen shaft becomes visible. His hands stop their downward motion, and I watch, breathless, as he slides his thumb over the leaking slit, before continuing to slowly push his leggings down. Narrow hips, reddish-blonde curls, strong thighs - and then, finally, the leggings drop to the floor. He stands before me, gloriously beautiful, and I've never dreamed I could want someone so badly.
"Obi-Wan," I groan again, unable to find the words to express my desire.
"You have no idea how I've longed for this night," he whispers, closing the space between us.
He is wrong there, for I'm certain I actually do have a very good idea of how much he's longed for this night.
His hands are on my chest, pushing me backwards onto the bed, and I go willingly, pulling him down with me, on top of me. Somehow we find each other's mouths as our arms snake around each other, and we are flesh to flesh and nothing in my life has ever felt so right. He thrusts his tongue deeply into my open mouth, and I frantically suck it in, wanting to taste, touch and feel everything that is Obi-Wan. His hands are in my hair, holding my head still so that he can plunder my mouth with a lip-bruising, teeth-clashing force. I roll us over, moving us to the center of the bed and now I am on top of him, making it easier for me to take control of the kiss, which I quickly do. He thrashes under me and I frantically try to devour him, our movements causing a delicious friction of sensitive nerve endings as skin slides against sweaty, silky skin.
With a strength that almost surprises me, he manages to roll us again, regaining his position on top of me, and then his mouth is moving from my lips to my chin to my neck and he is sucking and kissing and licking and nipping and I realize the breathless moans and frantic grunts I'm hearing are coming from my own throat. His hands are just as busy, sliding down my arms, caressing my hips, stroking my thighs, and when he wraps his legs around me we are suddenly groin to groin, our erections pressed together, trapped between us.
It is all I can do to not thrust against the hard body on top of me, to find the release my body aches for. His mouth is moving lower, over my chest, and then he has found one of my nipples, and I gasp as he begins to lave it with his hot tongue before sucking fiercely on it. He moves to the other nipple, and this time I cry out when he nips it with his teeth before soothing it with his tongue.
He continues moving slowly down my chest, over my stomach, pausing to run his tongue in and around my navel several times. I am nearly incoherent with need, and I desperately try to find my center, to hang on to whatever control I may have left. He deliberately bypasses my aching cock, kissing and licking all around it, not even allowing his cheek to brush against it, and it is the most delicious agony I've ever suffered.
He pauses only to unwrap himself from around me so that he can kneel between my legs. Then, with his hands holding my thighs, he leans down and places a soft kiss on the tip of my penis. "Beautiful," he whispers, and his warm, moist breath is almost like a caress. "Watch me, Qui-Gon. Watch me as I taste you for the first time."
Unable to do anything but watch him, I somehow manage to get my elbows underneath me, rising up so that I have a better view. When he is sure he has my full attention, he leans down again, his tongue slipping slowly out from between his swollen, bruised lips, and then he licks me once, his tongue sliding across the slit of my leaking erection, tasting the fluid gathering there, and it feels as if he's touched me with fire. I try to buck up into his mouth, desperate for more of that incredibly talented tongue, but his hands on my thighs are like iron bands, and I can't do anything more than strain against him.
And then as I watch, he closes his eyes, almost as if he's savoring the taste of my seed, and I am not at all surprised to note the needy sounding groan I'm hearing is coming from me. He licks his lips, slowly, teasingly, eyes still closed and I groan again at the sight. With a soft groan of his own, he leans down and takes just the head of my penis between his satin-soft lips. He begins to slowly suck on my hardness, all the while using his tongue to swirl around the top, in the slit and under the crown.
It's good. So good. His mouth is heat and silk and wetness and he's doing unbelievably wicked things to me with his tongue and I want to fall back on the bed but I can't not watch as he takes more and more of me into that incredible mouth of his. Just when I am certain I will die from the sheer pleasure of what he is doing to me, he releases me. He stretches forward, towards me, bringing his mouth to mine, his tongue easily sliding between my open lips, and I suddenly realize I am tasting myself on him. He pulls back slightly, breaking our kiss, and I open eyes I don't remember closing only to find myself almost nose to nose with him.
"I knew you would taste good," he whispers, his breath warm and sweet on my lips. "I just never imagined you would taste this good."
"Obi-Wan," I groan, and part of me wonders if I'll ever again be able to say more than just his name.
He releases my thighs and sits back on his haunches between my legs. "Lie back, Qui-Gon."
As I drop back onto the bed, he reaches over me and grabs one of the small vials of oil from the bedside table that I had earlier set out. He flips off the cork with his thumb and then upends the bottle, allowing the thick, amber liquid to slide down his fingers, into his open palm. He tosses the vial in the general direction of the table, and then begins to rub his hands together, spreading and warming the oil.
"I want you so badly, Qui-Gon," he says, taking my shaft in one hand. "I've dreamed of this for so long." He slowly slides his hand down my length and back up again, coating it with the thick, warm liquid. He nudges my legs open further with his knees, and then his other hand is at my sac, and he is gently fondling my balls in his oil-slicked palm. He continues to slide his hand up and down my hard shaft, the thick calluses on his palms and fingers causing a delicious friction as they rub against my overly-sensitive skin. The hand on my balls moves lower, across my perineum, and then he is slowly, slowly circling the entrance to my body, and the hand on my penis tightens, and the pace of his stroking quickens, and it is only when he breaches my body with one finger that I become fully aware of what he is doing.
"No," I gasp, trying to pull away from him.
"No?" he asks, the surprise evident in both his face and his voice.
I sit up and reach out for him, desperate to remove the hurt I can see dawning in his eyes. He moves into my arms willingly enough, and I kiss him, hard, my only thought to divert him just long enough for me to regain control. He gently tugs me upwards, and I move onto my knees, mirroring his position.
I put all of my desire and need into the kiss, holding him tightly to me, encouraging him to kiss me back. And he does. There is nothing hesitant or shy in the way he takes over the kiss, shoving his tongue deeply into my mouth in long sweeping pulses, over and around my tongue, across my palate, over my teeth, inside of my lips. He is good. Almost good enough to distract me from the terror that has seized my heart. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can make myself so vulnerable, let him take control and take what he wants from me, without the love and commitment I crave. I will make love to him, yes. But I don't think I can give him my total surrender. Not unless and until my heart knows that this is forever.
I begin to move my hands over and down his back, squeezing and rubbing as I go. When I reach his hips, I pull him closer, wanting him to feel how strongly I crave him, and it his turn to groan, a sound I find incredibly erotic. A sound I want to make him repeat, over and over again. I keep one hand on his hip and slide the other over his rear and down to the top of his thigh, once again pulling him close to me, and am rewarded by another of his delicious groans. And then it is my finger circling his entrance, and he is writhing in my arms, and oh force I want him.
With a slight roll of my hips, I am able to slip my erection between his thighs, and he jerks against me, and the sensation is indescribable. For just a moment, I forget about everything else, focusing only on the feeling of my well-oiled penis sliding against his testes as he squeezes his legs tight around me. His head falls back as he thrusts his hard cock into my stomach, and I can't help but match his rhythm, sliding my aching erection in and out of the tight channel between his hard thighs.
Only barely in control now, I slow my movements, holding tightly to Obi-Wan to slow his as well. He falls forward, gasping for breath, and rests his head on my shoulder. We do nothing more than hold each other close for a bit, as both of us struggle to calm the raging desire that is threatening to overwhelm us completely.
"It's never been like this before," he whispers hoarsely, his face buried in my neck. And then he laughs softly. "Well, not since I was a teenager, anyway."
I chuckle and hold him tighter to me, touched by his admission. "It would seem that both of us are experiencing similar problems with our control."
He pulls back slightly, enough to be able to look up at me. "It's been a while for you, hasn't it?"
His question should surprise me, but it doesn't. I understand what he is actually asking. "My years of celibacy aren't to blame for my lack of control," I tell him seriously. "Having you in my arms, after waiting and wanting you for so very long, is."
He stares at me a long moment, his eyes filling with a tenderness I'd only dreamt of seeing. Is it possible he might actually return a small portion of the feelings I have for him? I don't want to allow myself to hope, but I can't stop the surge of joy rushing through my heart at the thought. Before I can ruin this night by blurting out my feelings for him, he leans forward, offering his lips up to me, and I am helpless to do anything but accept the soft, wonderful kiss he gifts me with. He pulls back, much too soon for my liking, and once again rests his head on my shoulder.
"Thank you for telling me that," he whispers softly, his breath tickling my neck.
I lean back, pulling him with me, our legs tangling for a moment as we change positions, going from kneeling to lying side by side, facing each other. He pulls his arm from under me and props his head up on it, so that he can look down at me. He reaches up with his other hand and begins to comb his fingers through my hair, pushing it back away from my face.
"Are you ready to let me make love to you?" he asks quietly, looking down at me.
There is nothing in the world I want more, so why am I so terrified? This is my beloved Obi-Wan after all, not some stranger off the street.
He leans down and brushes his lips against mine. "I want to be inside you, Qui-Gon," he whispers huskily. He kisses my cheek. "I want to watch your face as I take you." He mouth is at my ear, and I gasp as he licks it, running his tongue around the whorls inside. "I want to hold your cock in my hands and watch you come, while I am buried deep within you." He nips at my earlobe, and then begins to gently suck on it, while flicking his tongue over and around it. The sensation is incredible.
His lips leave my ear and wander back towards my mouth. "I want you," Obi-Wan growls softly, moving to cover my body with his own. And then he is kissing me again, his lips and tongue demanding an answer from me as he begins to slowly thrust his pelvis against my groin.
I want this. I want him. I love him. I trust him. I need him. I need this. But oh dear force, I can't. I can't give him the only thing he is asking of me.
Though I've desperately tried to shield my fears from him, some of my anxiety must have bled through our bond, because suddenly he pauses and pulls back slightly, and I can read the question in his eyes.
"What is it, Qui-Gon," he asks gruffly, looking down at me.
I don't have an answer for him. All I can do is stare helplessly up at him.
"Qui-Gon?" He begins to draw away from me, and I can see the hurt and confusion in his eyes. "Don't you want this? Don't you want me?"
I can't do this to him. I can't hurt him any more than I can stop breathing. I try to pull him closer to me, but he resists by pushing against me. He rolls away from me and sits up, staring at me.
"Oh, my Obi-Wan. How could I not want this? Not want you? It's not that, I promise you. I've dreamt of this night far longer than you could imagine."
"Then what is it, Qui-Gon? What's wrong? Why are you shielding your thoughts from me?"
"Obi-Wan. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you."
"I don't understand," he says, his frustration growing by the moment. "You said I could have anything I wanted tonight. You said this was my night."
I sit up, crossing my legs in front of me. "Obi-Wan, I am sorry."
"Sorry for what? Why won't you tell me what is wrong? Don't I at least deserve to know what is going on?"
My heart is breaking, and for once I don't try to hide my feelings. He is right. He deserves to know the truth. "Obi-Wan, I've never . . . I haven't . . . ." I hesitate, not even sure what it is I need to tell him.
As understanding begins to dawn, he reaches over and places a hand on my thigh. "Have you never allowed anyone to make love to you that way?" he asks softly.
He makes it sound like such a simple thing. I look away from him, feeling at once embarrassed and uncomfortable. And something else. I feel vulnerable. And I don't like that feeling at all.
"That's it, isn't it, Master? You've never trusted anyone enough to let them love you that way, have you?"
I nod once, unable to look at him.
He is quiet for a moment, and through our bond I can tell he's struggling to process this new information, and how to deal with it.
"Qui-Gon?" he asks, and the sound of his voice forces me to look at him. The pain in his eyes is almost more than I can bear. "You don't trust me?"
"That's not it," I tell him quickly.
He is moving off the bed, shaking his head. "Of course, that's it, Qui-Gon. You just admitted that you'd never been able to give yourself to someone like that because you have never trusted anyone enough."
"No!" I follow him off the bed, reaching out to him, desperate to make him understand. "Obi-Wan, I trust you with my very life. You mustn't think that!"
He grabs his leggings from the floor and begins to pull them on.
"Obi-Wan! Please!" I take hold of his arm, willing him to listen to me.
He wrenches his arm out of my grasp and glares at me. "I've been your Padawan all these years. I've lived with you, fought by your side, even saved your life on more than one occasion, but you can't trust me to make love to you?" His voice breaks, his anguish so great it is almost palpable.
"It's not like that, Obi-Wan."
"I love you Qui-Gon, and I am willing to work through anything for our relationship, but if you don't even trust me, after all this time, after all we've been through, then why should we even bother?" He turns from me and walks angrily towards the door.
I stare after him, my heart thrumming loudly. "What did you say?"
He stops, his hand on the keypad of the door, and without turning to look at me he snarls, "I asked you 'Why the Hoth should we bother?'" He palms the door open and stalks through it.
I don't even realize I am moving after him until I've grabbed his shoulder, yanking him around to face me. He glares at me, but I ignore his anger. "No, before that, what did you say?"
"What are you talking about?" He is looking at me as if I've lost my mind.
I grab his other shoulder, giving him a quick shake. "What did you say, Obi-Wan?" I ask again, my voice rising with emotion.
He stares up at me, brow furrowed, and I know he must be sensing some of my panic through our bond. "I . . . I don't know what . . ."
"Padawan," I interrupt him, my voice much softer. "Did you say that you love me?"
"Of course I did, and I told you that I was willing to work through anything -" He breaks off in mid-sentence, staring open mouthed at me.
"I didn't know . . ." I try to tell him, but he is backing away, pulling out of my hands.
"Are you telling me," he says, his face growing hard, "you honestly didn't know that I love you?"
"No, Obi-Wan, I didn't know. I'd hoped for this, but I couldn't be sure. I love you Obi-Wan. This changes everything." I know I am babbling, but I can't seem to stop myself.
"You son of sith whore!" He stares angrily at me.
"Obi-Wan?" I am completely confused by his reaction.
"You sorry son of a sith damned whore!" His fists are clenched tightly, and I've never seen him so angry.
I take a step towards him. "Obi-Wan, I don't understand -"
"What kind of a man do you think I am?" he snarls at me. "Do you truly think that I could come to your bed looking for just a good hump before heading off to find someone else to share a bed with? I had no idea you held me in such low regard!"
"Obi-Wan, I . . . " But he doesn't give me a chance to finish.
"I was certain you were the one person who knew me better than anyone else in the universe. As it turns out, you don't know me at all, do you?"
"But you didn't . . . " I try again.
"What? I didn't what, Qui-Gon? I didn't tell you that I love you?"
I nod helplessly.
"I didn't think I had to tell you," he hurls at me. "Anymore than you had to tell me."
"You knew?" I ask him, incredulously.
"I can't believe you, Qui-Gon. And you call yourself a Master? Of course I knew. I've known for a long time of your love for me. Did you think you were shielding your feelings from me?"
I can only stare at him, numb with disbelief.
"And now it would seem that I don't know you at all either," he continues his rant. "Because the man I thought I knew, the man I believed myself to be in love with, would never have agreed to sleep with me, unless he was certain of my love for him."
"No. You've got it all wrong." I can feel my anger beginning to rise as well, and with effort, I force it back down.
"Do I? I don't think so, Qui-Gon. I think, perhaps for the first time, I finally have it all right." He turns away from me and heads toward the front door.
"Obi-Wan, wait!" I seem to be frozen to the spot, powerless to stop him from walking out of our quarters. From walking out of my life.
He ignores me, grabs his robe from the hook by the door, and slams his hand against the keypad panel. From where I stand, I can see that in his anger, he failed to make full contact with the panel, and the door remains closed. He just stands there, staring at the closed door, and through our bond I can feel his anger, but even more, I can feel his pain. It is this that gets me moving, and I quickly go to him, before he decides to try to door again.
I reach out to touch him, then hesitate, my hand hanging in mid-air. "Obi-Wan." I plead softly.
He doesn't move. Either to attempt the door again, or to turn around. It gives me some hope.
"Please listen to me."
For a long moment, he just stands there, but then, finally, he turns to face me. "I'm listening." His voice is flat, toneless, and my heart breaks again.
I drop my hand to my side. "I am a foolish old man, Obi-Wan. And in my foolishness, I've hurt you terribly."
He stares at me, his face hard. He's not going to make this easy for me, and why should he?
"You are right to be angry with me. I have done you a grave disservice tonight and for that I am truly sorry." I'm cold, and it takes me a minute to remember that I don't have any clothes on. "Can we . . .?" I glance down at myself and then angle my head towards the bedroom.
"I'll get us something to drink," he says, brushing past me. "We can talk out on the balcony."
"Fair enough."
After pulling on my leggings and tunic, I pick up his tunic from the floor and return to the common room. He is just emerging from the kitchen, a glass of juice in each hand. Wordlessly, he hands one to me, and I, in turn, hand him his tunic. "I thought you might be more comfortable wearing this," I respond to his questioning look.
He takes it from me and follows me out onto the balcony. I sit on the floor, my legs crossed in front of me, my back against the balcony rails, and he takes one of the chairs. I pull the table over, putting it between us, and after he sets his glass down, he pulls on his tunic.
"Thank you for giving me the chance to try to explain things to you, Obi-Wan." I begin quietly.
He doesn't say anything, but he does lean back in his chair, waiting for me to continue.
I take a deep breath, gathering my thoughts, and then I begin. "After Xanatos, I swore to myself that I would never allow anyone into my heart again. And I've done everything in my power to keep that promise to myself, or so I believed. Then you came into my life, and no matter how determined I was not to care for you, I couldn't help myself.
"Obi-Wan, from the moment I accepted you as my Padawan, I loved you. All it took was the forming of our bond, and suddenly my heart was flooded by a wonderfully bright light, a healing light, and I couldn't believe that all of the pain and loneliness I'd allowed myself to suffer for so many years, was gone.
"At some point, my feelings for you began to change, to deepen. I still loved you as a Master loves a Padawan, but I also began to love you as a dear and trusted friend. And then that love changed once more, catching me totally by surprise. One morning as I sat across from you, eating the breakfast you'd prepared for us, I knew I had fallen in love with you. And I was terrified."
"Qui-Gon . . . " he tries to interrupt, but I shake my head, silencing him.
"No, Obi-Wan. Please let me finish. Please let me tell you why I hurt you so much." I rush on, not giving him a chance to tell me he doesn't want to hear anymore. "I was terrified, Obi-Wan, because I realized that I loved you far more than I had ever loved Xanatos. And when Xanatos turned, I wanted to die, the pain was so great, and so how could I bear it if . . . " I can't look at him, so I stare at my glass instead.
"You don't have to do this, Qui-Gon," he says quietly.
"Yes, I do," I tell him, dragging my eyes back up to his. "You deserve to know."
"I know."
I ignore him, knowing if I don't tell him now it will always be between us. "Once I had admitted to myself how much I loved you, I knew I could not survive it if I somehow lost you. So instead of trusting what was right in front of me, that you loved me as much as I loved you, I chose to ignore it. I refused to allow myself even the slightest hope that you might return my feelings, in order to protect myself.
"Obi-Wan, my reluctance tonight was in no way a reflection of my opinion of you. If you don't believe anything else I've said tonight, please believe that. I have never met a more honorable man, and if I had just stopped to think things through, I would've known you would not want to sleep with me unless you had strong feelings for me."
I take a quick sip of my drink.
"But Sith take me for the fool I am, I didn't think about anything other than how I could let you walk out of my life. Over the years I managed to convince myself that you would never fall in love with me. I'm so much older, and you are so beautiful, and . . ."
He raises a hand, stopping me in mid sentence. "I love you, Qui-Gon." He leans forward and pushes the table out of the way. "I love you," he says again, as rises from the chair.
"Obi-Wan, I'm so sorry."
"I know, Qui-Gon." He turns from me and walks back into our quarters, and I stare after him, wondering, hoping. He stops and turns back to look at me. "I believe we have some unfinished business to attend to?" He reaches a hand out to me and he is smiling.
Feeling almost lightheaded with relief, I stand up and walk to where he waits, taking the hand he holds out to me. "Yes, I believe you were about to make love to me, Obi-Wan."
He shakes his head, smiling ruefully, "No, I don't need to be in control of our loving making tonight. I don't need you to prove anything to me. Not any more." He looks up at me, and I can easily see that he means it.
"That may be, but I do."
Without waiting for him to respond, I turn and lead him into my bedroom, stopping only when I reach the bed. I drop his hand and without saying a word, I pull my tunic over my head, drop it to the floor, and push my leggings off. I lie down on the bed, rolling over so that I end up on my side, facing him. He is still standing where I left him.
"Obi-Wan?" I pat the bed next to me.
He grins then, and my heart swells, knowing we will be all right. It takes him but a moment to yank off his tunic and leggings, and then he is on the bed, crawling on his hands and knees towards me.
"I love you, Qui-Gon," he says, sliding into my open arms.
I use his momentum to roll over onto my back, pulling him on top of me.
"And I'm sorry for assuming that you knew," he continues.
I start to speak, but he stops me with a soft kiss.
"Let's not talk about it anymore, Qui-Gon," he whispers softly. "I love you, and I know you love me, and we are here, together, and that is all that really matters."
"Oh, my Obi-Wan." I pull him down for another kiss, allowing all of my love and trust for him to flow through our bond. He responds in kind, and soon our bond is thrumming with life and love and nothing else matters but the man I hold tightly in my arms.
He takes control of the kiss, deepening it, his tongue deliciously mapping the inside of my mouth, his hands on either side of my face, holding it still. I am lost. And it is wonderful.
It doesn't take long before we are once again as aroused as before, but it is so much better this time because there is no fear in my heart. There is only the enormous love I have for Obi-Wan, and the knowledge that my love is returned. And that it has always been so.
Though I could let him kiss me for hours, my body is demanding more, and from the way Obi-Wan is writhing against me, I've no doubt he feels the same way.
"Obi-Wan," I gasp, breaking our kiss, "make love to me."
He groans and drops his head to my shoulder. "Oh, force, Qui-Gon. I want you so badly, but only if you are sure."
"I've never been more certain of anything in my life, Obi-Wan," I murmur against his hair. "I love you. I trust you. And I want this with you."
He pushes himself up and looks down at me, and I can see the love that has been there all along. "I love you, Qui-Gon."
"I know," I smile up at him.
He moves off of me, grabs another vial of oil from the bedside table, and then he is kneeling between my legs. As I watch, he opens the vial and pours it into his palm, then once again tosses the vial in the general direction of the table. He warms the oil between his hands and with a smile, he wraps one hand around my shaft and begins to fondle my sac with the other.
"I am going to make this so good for you," he promises me, and I have no doubt he will do as he says. He is sliding his hand up and down my erection, using just the right amount of pressure, all the while continuing to spread the oil over my scrotum, my perineum and around my opening. He takes his time, and he is very good at what he is doing. When he slides the tip of his finger into my body this time, I am ready for him. I slide my legs up, giving him easier access, and he smiles down at me.
"That's right, Qui-Gon. Slow and easy." He is doing incredible things to my penis, sliding his fist up and down it, squeezing it, rubbing his thumb around the head, over the slit, under the crown, lightly running his fingernail against the vein, and it is so good that I am only dimly aware of the finger pressing gently inside of me, and then sliding out, only to return a minute later, going further each time.
Yes," I moan as I try to arch up into his hand.
"Like that, do you?" he asks.
"Oh, yes!"
"It's going to get better, Qui-Gon." With that he twists the finger now buried deep inside of me, and finding my prostate, he rubs the pad of his finger firmly against it.
"Oh, Force!" I cry out as I clutch the bed clothes.
"More?"
"More!" I growl.
A second finger slowly joins the first one, and I experience just a twinge of pain, a slight burning sensation, which is quickly replaced by a feeling of fullness. Just about the time I begin to feel uncomfortable, he once again crooks his finger, nudging my prostate, and suddenly the only thing that matters is how I can get him to do that again.
I need more. Oh, Force, I need more.
I try to thrust my hips up into his fist, but he moves with me, and I have no better luck when I try to push down on the fingers he is now slowly pulling out of me.
"Obi-Wan!" I groan loudly as his fingers slide out of me. "Please!"
"I know, Qui-Gon, I know," he murmurs soothingly, releasing my aching erection. "Turn over and I won't make us wait any longer."
"No," I gasp. "I want to watch you. I want to see your face."
"Not this time, Qui-Gon." He says, pushing me to turn over. "It will be so much better for you this way."
I'm too far gone to argue, so I roll over, pull my knees up underneath me, and rest my head on the pillow.
"Yes, Qui-Gon, just like that." He is moving behind me, his hands on my bottom, holding me, his thumbs spreading me open. Using a gentle pressure, he pushes his shaft slowly into me, past the ring of tight muscles guarding the entrance to my body.
"I love you, Obi-Wan." I need for him to know that.
"Love you," he groans as he continues to push into me, stretching me, filling me.
It hurts a bit more than I was expecting, but I take a deep breath, forcing myself not to tense up, as I know that will only make it worse. And finally, with an accompanying soft grunt, the head of his penis slips inside of me. He stops for a moment, his fingers moving to grip my hips firmly as he tries to wait, allowing my body to adjust to his size.
"Don't stop," I pant, trying to shove myself backwards, trying to get more of him inside me.
"Don't want to hurt you," he grinds out through tightly clenched teeth.
"Please!"
"Oh, Force, Qui-Gon!" He moans as he begins to slowly push himself deeper. "So hot! Oh, Force you are so tight!"
It hurts. The burning and stretching seems to go on and on, and it takes every ounce of willpower I have to stop myself from jerking away from him.
"Oh, Force! Oh, Force! Oh, Force!" Obi-wan groans and his hands on my hips suddenly feel like iron bands, his fingers almost painful as they dig tightly into me.
And then, finally, he is fully sheathed within me, and it hurts and it burns and suddenly I can feel my earlier terror of being this vulnerable to someone trying to take over me. I take a deep breath, willing myself to relax. This is my Obi-Wan. I trust him. I love him. I repeat this over and over, almost like a mantra, and after a long moment, the terror recedes, and I can concentrate instead on the feeling of having Obi-Wan inside me.
He begins to pull out of me, his soft groans like a beautiful siren's song, and the knowledge of how this is affecting him goes a long way towards helping me get past my anxiety. I'm helped even further when he slides one hand around me and takes hold of my now flagging erection, wrapping his nimble fingers around it, and begins to pump it, sliding his fist up and down, matching the slow rhythm of his shaft moving in and out of me. It doesn't take long before I am once again hard and aching.
He leans down, wraps both arms around my chest, and then leans back, pulling me up with him. It changes the angle of his penetration, allowing him to go even deeper into me, and suddenly his hard shaft nudges my prostate, and oh, Force, I've never felt anything like this before.
We are kneeling, with me on his lap, and at first I can do nothing more than just feel. He is everywhere it seems. Inside me, around me, holding me. He reaches down and takes my cock in one hand, while holding me tightly with the other. I am surround by Obi-Wan, and I can't imagine any place I would rather be.
He wiggles under me a bit, thrusting up gently, while at the same time he squeezes and strokes my shaft. I groan as the sensation intensifies. "Do you like this?" he asks, his lips against my shoulder.
"Yes," I hiss, and oh, Force I do like it.
"Then move," he growls, as he tries to thrust up again. I realize that due to our positions, he can't do very much more.
I push myself off of his lap, and as I slide back down, he thrusts up to meet me. The angle is perfect, causing his hard shaft to once again nudge my prostate.
"Yes!" I hiss again.
"Harder," Obi-Wan groans behind me, and I obey, and this time his cock does more than gently nudge that sweet spot inside me, and I cry out in pleasure.
I find a rhythm, pushing up and dropping back down, and with each thrust his hard erection massages my prostate. He continues to stroke and pet my shaft with one hand, and finds one of my nipples with the other, and he begins to tweak and twist it between his finger and thumb.
"So good!" Obi-Wan moans, and I can only groan in agreement.
Then his lips are on my shoulder, and he is kissing me there and sucking on the skin and then lightly nipping it before laving it with his tongue. And it is good. It is so good. He moves his lips up towards my neck, and he is purring and humming, sending incredible sensations throughout my body.
He is stroking my cock harder, faster, his fist pushing into my balls and then moving up and around the head of my penis. On each up stroke, he slides his thumb over the slit before going back down again, and it is good. Oh force it is so good.
"Obi-Wan!" I groan as he begins to suck on my neck. My head falls back, landing on his shoulder, and it is incredible, and I am flying, and I can feel Obi-Wan's arousal through our bond, and I won't last, this can't last, oh dear Force, please don't let it ever end.
Giving my nipple a final tug, he slips his other hand down to my groin, and then he is fondling my balls while he continues to slide his tight fist up and down my cock, and he is inside of me, so deep inside of me, and he is all around me, holding me, pushing me further and further, and suddenly he bites down on my neck, and I scream, oh Force, I scream, and I am coming, coming and nothing has ever felt like this.
Even before I am finished, Obi-Wan shoves me forward, my head falling onto the pillow. He grabs my hips with bruising force, and he is shoving into me, so hard, so deep, his thick cock slamming against my prostate. He is grunting with the effort of each thrust, and somehow my orgasm continues on, and I am shaking and shuddering, and coming apart. And then it is Obi-Wan who is screaming my name over and over and I can feel him spurting deep inside of me, and then I am falling, and Obi-Wan is there around me and in me, and oh dear Force, I know I will never be the same again.
I am only dimly aware of Obi-Wan sliding out of my body, and even in this state, I mourn the loss of him inside of me. He starts to move away, but I grab his arm.
"Don't go!" I mumble into the pillow.
"I'm just going to get a towel."
"No, stay." I tug on his arm.
And he does. I turn on to my side and pull him down to me, as close as I can get him. I wrap my arms around him as he tucks his head under my chin.
"I love you, Qui-Gon," he murmurs against my throat.
"My Obi-Wan," I sigh, finding it nearly impossible to remain coherent for more than a word or two.
"You won't be doing anything to our bond, then?" he asks, and though I think he is teasing, I am not certain, and I will never allow any uncertainty between us again.
"Never, my love," I assure him, holding him tightly.
"Good." I can feel him smile against my throat.
We drift together, holding each other, sharing our love, our joy and our trust for one another. And it is good.
end