Title: What Dreams May Come
What Dreams May Come
Summary: Obi must come to terms with losing Qui - dreams help
him.
Category: Romance, H/C (in a way)
Rating: PG-15
Series/Spoilers: no/TPM ending! (who guessed? ;D)
Archive: M/A please, Haven-of-Fic; my website
(http://www.user.xpoint.at/e.lebic/default.htm)
Author's Note: light-speed, thorough betaing by Darry, who
is slowly but surely becoming absolutely indispensable to me;
You rock, Darry!!! ;D
This e-mail address is absolutely safe to use :D, so feel
free to send feedback along to triskell@xpoint.at.
Thanks.
Warnings: sad, sentimental, romantic, my usual stuff
Disclaimer: I bow in reverence for the Great George Lucas
who was kind enough to provide the Star Wars galaxy and
characters for our enjoyment ;-). I intend no copyright
infringement whatsoever.
WHAT DREAMS MAY COME
This story has nothing to do with the movie starring Robin
Williams, but the title just fits so perfectly, I couldn't
resist. No copyright infringement is intended.
(c) JEL, March/April 2000
It was hot and humid. The air was filled with the spicy
scent of the sea, whose waves were rolling against the
bleached sands. The warm, soft colours painted a picture of
serenity, of peace itself. Obi-Wan sniffed the air, the humid
freshness of the lush jungle plants behind him still in his
nose, while he buried his feet in the warm, golden silk of
the ground beneath him.
Blinking against the sparkling sun, he looked out onto the
ocean, heard the quiet murmur of the waves, broken by the
roaring crashes when they collided with the jagged rocks a
few hundred metres to his right - a soothing music echoing
through him, drifting like a cool breeze across his hot
skin.
He barely felt the softness of the cotton shirt he wore, all
his senses focused on the silent figure coming towards him on
the beach, smiling and stretching out welcoming arms. It was
wonderfully right and he felt so incredibly safe when he ran
forward, crossing the distance, his breath barely a whisper
against the thunder of his beating heart.
Strong arms enveloped him, warm lips sought his and he
almost drowned in his heartbeat when it touched upon another,
familiar and intimate, a guiding star and homely comfort. He
dimly felt the sand give way as he sank down upon it, his
lover's weight on top of him, pressing him into the soft
mattress as he was slowly caressed by a hungry mouth and
fiery sparkles in deep blue eyes.
Suddenly, the warmth at his back receded, the sky above him
dimmed to a cold, metallic hue, turned to steel - harsh, cold
and forbidding - and the ocean became the hissing, reddish
shadow of an impenetrable wall, fragile yet deadly, as red as
the damned blade of the tattooed monster. He was separated
from his Master by mere centimetres and yet it seemed he had
never been farther away from him.
The fight continued, the sound of the blades hissing and
clashing thundered in his ears, his eyes were glued to the
movements of the two opponents in this deadly dance. And
then, in one single moment, all his life was changed and
broken when his beloved Qui-Gon fell after a well-aimed
blow.
He was on his knees beside his Master, not knowing how he
had gotten there in the first place and he wept, seeing his
lover succumb to the cold hands of death, the bright light he
was in the Force suddenly slipping away while his eyes
darkened, the shadowy hue of loss descending on them and
their brightness faded into nothingness and was
extinguished.
Obi-Wan opened his eyes. He shivered. He no longer screamed
when he woke every night - he was shaken, disillusioned and
cold, but there was no panic, no fear that he hadn't felt
before - he knew it was all past him, done away with and could
not be amended, no matter how much he wished for the contrary.
His chance at saving Qui-Gon had passed and this realization -
though it tore his heart to shreds - gave him enough fierce,
cold determination to face the recurring dreams, garish in
their lonely splendour, again and again.
Still, Obi-Wan was grateful for the few moments in these
dreams when he could live and breathe with the remembrance of
his lover's arms and kisses. Perfection lay in moments. That
was one of the things Qui-Gon had repeated most often, one of
those teachings that had been chiseled into his mind. And as he
had savoured every second of their being together, never taken
a smile or look for granted - he knew he had to take these
dreams as well. The fleeting happiness he relieved in them was
his sole comfort now.
Oh - he had lived with his love, they had shared their life to
the fullest, been all and everything for the other, not wasted
what they had been given, offered by their fates.
No one had really seemed to notice, of course. It was well
known that they were a couple, but it was never talked about,
politely hushed, simply accepted and left aside as their
private affair. Not that they ever indulged in their feelings
while on missions! Too much of the Jedi in them for that! But
even then - a sparkle in Qui-Gon's eyes, the brilliant blue
that seemed to open up for him, let him into the other man's
soul, a portal to a world more beautiful than any other,
over-flowing with unconditional acceptance and affection.
Looks stolen, glances exchanged, soft mental caresses through
their bond - though they would probably have been deemed
insignificant by most others, these little things had bound
their souls even stronger and now. Obi-Wan didn't truly feel
alone. It was strange, but there was still some shadow of
Qui-Gon's presence in him, lingering and sometimes it was even
warming him.
It had taken them all their life together, more than ten years
it had been, to establish a closeness like the one they'd
shared, to form a bond of such richness and depth. It had been
hard to achieve; they had had to cross many stony paths,
countless obstacles that rose against them in their quest for
togetherness.
But they had persevered and made it. They had lain in each
other's arms in the aftermath of whispered declarations and
panted 'I love yous' in the height of passion. They had shared
almost everything. It had been a complete surrender of their
minds and souls, hearts and bodies.
Their love had eventually conquered every doubt and shadow.
And now, just three years since they'd first shared their most
intimate feelings and longings with each other, Qui-Gon was
dead.
There was a silence that wrapped itself like a cloak around
Obi-Wan. He was getting on with Ani, teaching him as best he
could, and though he knew Qui-Gon was always at his side
someway or other - it was one thing to feel the ghost of his
lover's presence within and another to get through each
day.
He managed, in fact he did better than most of those who
knew what his Master had been to him had expected he would.
Still - the emptiness in his heart was there and couldn't
truly be filled by any other.
That was why he somehow cherished even those dreams, those
visions that haunted him - they were all he had, his only
chance to give in to his memories, to his feelings and
indulge himself in make believe for a little while. His days
sometimes were no more than endless toil and strife not to
give in, to while away seemingly endless hours and to fulfil
his duty by Anakin.
Depressions - that was what the Healers had so
professionally called it. 'Your state of mind is still a
little...' - he loathed the conversations he had had with
them. They did their best, hoped to convince him to open up,
to share his grief - but that was one thing he couldn't do.
It was his life and it were his decision and his way to cope
they wanted to influence.
Master Yoda understood him. Though the little ancient Jedi
was more than concerned about the loneliness and despair that
at times emanated in clouds from Obi-Wan, he always stood up
for him. He had been the one to call back the Healers,
telling them to leave him alone.
"Make his peace with his memories, he must. Help him now, we
cannot. If need us he does, come to us, he will."
And how he loved Yoda for this! He knew he could find a way
to accept and cope, all he needed was time. Time that he
didn't have right now, being immersed in training Anakin,
making the boy understand that he was wanted and safe. Not an
easy task - but one he held on to as his constant reminder
that he had to make it through his pain, that he couldn't
give up, no matter how sweetly oblivion beckoned to him. It
would have been so easy to end his life, there had been so
many possibilities to join Qui-Gon...and yet he still lived
on.
It was unbelievably difficult to never be completely
separated...and yet always so far away from the man he had
loved with an ardour unmatched by any he had believed he
could ever feel. Divided for ages to come from the other part
of his soul.
"I love you." Warm blue eyes gazed down into his, a smile
glowing deep within their endless oceans. A hand reached out
to caress his cheek, drawing his face upwards for a soft,
tender kiss. Arms pulled him close to heated skin and the sun
painted the planes of Qui-Gon's body in whites and yellows
and dipped reddish shadows into the hollows of his
muscles.
Obi-Wan curled up to his lover, moving closer, eagerly
pushing away the few remnants of cotton clothing that
remained between them, touching, running his hands along
strong arms, stroking the long hair that tickled his neck and
shoulders, brushing it away from the beloved face to stare
into those wonderful eyes again, trying to lose himself,
become one with him.
"NO!" It wasn't his voice he dimly realized through the haze -
and there was a flash of pain as if the searing red blade he
saw out of the corner of his eye had touched his own body, cut
through him.
His eyes wide, tears on his cheeks, Obi-Wan sat up in bed. The
warm air in his room was choking him and he crawled out of bed,
stumbling blindly towards the window, opening it to let in the
chill of the night. He shivered slightly in the breeze, unable
to move away, to tear his gaze from the thousands of buildings
crowding upwards into the skies above the planet. He knew he
wouldn't find sleep again that night.
Obi-Wan sat on the window ledge, looking out over Coruscant.
He had never seen anything in particular in these skyscrapers,
the silver towers and grey spires that rose into the clouds
high above the maze of interwoven buildings that formed the
planet-wide city. Never had he considered their magnificence or
their beauty.
Yet today he looked at all this with other eyes. It seemed to
him as if he saw this cityscape for the first time ever.
His dream of last night had disturbed him - It had most likely
been a vision, maybe of the future...his own? He didn't know
and if he was honest with himself, he didn't really care. Dying
- that would bring him closer to his lover, back to the warmth
he missed every second of the day and every moment of the
night. 'And you wouldn't even be blamed for chickening out of
this life.' a small voice at the back of his mind stated
calmly.
He gazed at the silvery surfaces that sparkled in the few,
delicate rays of the morning sun that broke through the thick
cloud cover and they suddenly reminded him of the streaks in
Qui- Gon's hair, twining in the long strands that fell across
his shoulders like silken bands, weaving their way along the
strong chest and back.
A few tears escaped his eyes, and he shook his head, brushing
them away, fighting the urge to let go and cry. His Padawan
would be back from his lessons soon and he had to be there for
him. Extensive grieving was not an option for him these days.
Maybe, in a few weeks, months he'd have more time to himself,
maybe even a little while away from all his
responsibilities.
That would be enough to come to terms with all that was
bothering, assailing him. Enough to find the solitude he
needed.
It would be good to visit Naboo again. Ani might stay with
Amidala and he...he could wander about at will, straightening
his thoughts, brushing the embers of his being together and
forming a new, stronger self that might withstand the torture
of living without Qui-Gon for some time longer than he, his
one-time lover could.
Months had passed and still Obi-Wan had had no time to come to
terms with the great loss that wouldn't allow him to rest
peacefully for even one night. So now, on his formal, polite
request, Master Yoda had relieved him of his duties at the
Temple for a few weeks and he had taken Ani with him on a
journey to Naboo. Having left the boy at Theed with Amidala, he
had done what he had hoped to be able to do for so long.
He had walked alone for days, hardly sleeping, letting the
overflowing, seemingly boundless living Force of the Naboo
woods crowd into his mind, driving every other thought away,
giving him complete and utter peace for a while. It took the
young man quite some time to find the exact spot where he had
last kissed Qui-Gon, just before they'd returned to Theed where
they had faced their last battle together.
Nature had quickly erased every sign of human intrusion, he
wondered that even the sight of the Gungans' battle had been
overgrown and almost nothing was left to remind a passing
creature of the bloodshed and despair that had come to pass on
the very spot.
Some bits and pieces of the droid army were still there, but
they were obscured by foliage. He remembered how he had helped
to carry the fallen Gungans from the field, and how he had
watched their funerals from the distance, respectfully. Ani and
he had been the only Jedi invited. Apart from them only the
young Queen, her handmaidens and Captain Panaka had been asked
to witness the ceremony. It had been a great honour as he well
knew...and one of the saddest sights he'd ever seen.
His heart had ached, had gone out to the families and friends
of those killed - for their loss was like his and he understood
their grief. Every fibre of his being called to him to comfort
them in some way, any way so they would not have to feel the
sharp pangs of loneliness, despair and pain that crowded in his
mind and soul.
Weary with his wandering and the turmoil in his mind, Obi-Wan
at last settled down in the long grass, leaning back against a
huge tree trunk, closing his eyes. The sound of the forest
creatures, the leaves rustling on the breeze and the singing of
the birds soon lulled him into a quiet slumber.
...the beach, warm sand beneath his feet, a sense of freedom
and happiness cursing through his veins as Qui-Gon's silken
hair tickled his chest. His lover's body close to his, feeling
his heartbeat, breathing the salty smell of seawater on damp
skin.
He drew his Qui-Gon into a tight embrace, kissing him
fervently, endeavouring to hold on, knowing he could only be
dreaming, that this perfection would end, had to end, as soon
as he had tasted a tang of content and serenity.
His heart constricted when he felt the chill in the room, the
bleakness of the metal that seemed to twine around his senses,
invading them, taking away his breath. And then...he was
fighting the Sith. Dimly, he noticed that he was tired, burned
out, he was anxious, fearing for his Padawan's life...his
Padawan? Anakin? What would he be doing here, in this scenario
that he hadn't even witnessed?
His lightsabre was heavy in his hand, the soft greenish glow a
stark contrast to the fiery red of his opponent's weapon.
The bluish gleam of his Padawan's lightsabre, the soothing
mental presence of his Obi-Wan in his mind.
Suddenly it dawned on Obi-Wan that this time, he was likely
reliving the fight from his Master's point of view, seeing the
sequence of events as Qui-Gon had seen them, tapping into his
lover's heart, disclosing all that he had felt in these
moments.
It was a highly uncomfortable sensation, strange and ghastly,
yet intimately familiar and soothing at the same time.
He had to be strong, had to drive this creature away, and keep
it from hurting his lover. There was only one way and the Force
was pulsing around him, letting him know that he had to decide
soon, for one of them could not leave this fray alive.
The little part that was Obi-Wan inside Qui-Gon's mind gasped,
screamed an anguished "No!" Yet the body and brain of the man
he was trapped in wouldn't respond; Qui-Gon Jinn just kept
going, running, pressing forward.
His Padawan was knocked off the walkway. Good. It was highly
unlikely he would be hurt by the fall, but it would take him a
few moments to collect himself, to catch up - time enough to
end this once and for all. Pursuing the Sith, letting himself
be lead by his instincts...approaching his destiny.
"No!" Again and again Obi-Wan screamed, cursing in every
language he knew, praying, hoping against hope that this was a
chance, that he might yet turn the tide and save his lover from
the course his life had taken, that he might at least save
Qui-Gon in his dreams.
The green blade parried, though his sinews were burning, his
mind clouding with exhaustion. Without his Padawan, his loving
partner, he was no match for the Sith...not at his age. But
there was no other way - the only possibility to protect the
man he loved more than his life was to give himself up to the
Force in hopes of dispersing the threat, to let go and join its
patterns if he had to.
The strain wasn't to be borne very much longer. He had hoped
too take the creature down with him, yet it seemed he had
underestimated the Sith's power and miscalculated his own
strength...for the first time in his life.
A blow to his face, he stumbled backward, one second of
letting his guard down...a piercing stab, his stomach was
burning, he doubled over in pain, fell.
A scream, raw and hoarse, as if someone's heart had been torn
out of his body...Obi-Wan! How to reach his Padawan, soothe
him, plead with him to let the Force guide him? He must not
give in to anger, not now, not because of this, of him...and
how hopeless it seemed when he lay there, aching, unable to
touch the training bond, to give even the slightest sign.
Obi-Wan's movements were a blur, the contours of his body
distorted as his eyes would no longer obey his commands...his
Padawan was gone from view, as if...the demonic creature
suddenly towered, menacingly, at the edge of the pit, sneering
as if it had won.
A streak of motion...the hiss of an igniting lightsabre...the
Sith fell.
The warmth of a body beside him, strong arms wrapping around
him, mental pleas, a soft voice, so dear. So much still
remained to be said - hardly enough time for it and he reached
out brushing a tear from his lover's cheek. "Promise me you
will train the boy."
Not what he ought to have said, not what his lover had every
right to hear. His voice failed him. It was too late, he felt
his mind slipping away from Obi-Wan's fervent grasp, his sight
was dimming, darkness descended, the black hole pulled at him
as oblivion neared.
"NO!"
Once again, Obi-Wan sat up, gasping and sweating. He was
trembling, his emotions open and raw, his shields down for long
moments as he tried to regain his composure, pull himself into
some semblance of calm. He realized that, for the first time
since coming to accept these dreams, he had been carried away
and lost all of his hard gained control - his throat was raw,
he must have been screaming, and the hush in the forest around
him confirmed that he must indeed have been very loud to scare
all the animals into this eerie quietness.
This dream...it had been the most vivid and disturbing he'd
had until now. He had seen into Qui-Gon's heart, been able to
follow his every action, feel his pain. If what he had
experienced was truly what his lover had gone through.
Not that he had ever doubted that Qui-Gon had thought of
protecting him at least at one point in their fight with the
Sith, namely when he'd been pushed off the walkway, but that
his lover should have entertained a plan to keep him out of
danger at all costs almost from the beginning was
disconcerting. As was the fact that he seemed to have known he
would die...how long had he shielded this knowledge from
Obi-Wan?
What was hardest to accept for the young man was the fact that
he hadn't picked up on this. After all, having spent so much
time with this man, knowing him in so intimate a way, he ought
to have seen even the things Qui-Gon meant to hide from
him.
Not that it wasn't good to know how much he was treasured and
loved, how precious his life had been to Qui-Gon...but the way
he had chosen to show it was.
Obi-Wan shook his head. If only he had been able to say "I
love you" one last time before Qui-Gon had died in his arms. So
many moments lost in between their last declaration and this
bitter end.
Yet wasn't that what they had known from the start? Their fate
was to be Jedi, their love just ran along, almost a shadow in
their lives - a constant, a truth that never left them, though
it had to be put aside again and again for the sake of others,
of planets, of the Republic, a galaxy they'd sworn to serve and
protect to the best of their abilities.
Obi-Wan rose unsteadily, stumbling on once again. This time he
didn't know where he was going or what he sought and he didn't
care. So much was on his mind and there was little he could do
but give his utmost to bear the grief, the hopelessness, that
he had pushed aside since that fateful duel and that now
assailed him in their full force.
The days passed and Obi-Wan kept wandering around aimlessly in
the woods of Naboo, past swamps and huge trees. Now and then
he'd take a break, doze or eat a little. Sometimes he even
slept deeply and peacefully for a few hours.
With every day that went by he sorted out other emotions,
turned them around, dealt with them as best he could. Qui-Gon
would have been proud of him, he thought now and then, given
the fact that he was progressing, though he hardly knew what
with. Understanding? Acceptance? Of his Master's leaving him
alone? His lover's death? The fear that he had been too slow in
catching up with Qui-Gon, that his own inadequacy had caused
the Sith to win?
Each evening, as the shadows grew longer, the young man found
himself a place in the forest where he stretched out beneath
the branches of the trees, all but hidden in the fresh, soft
foliage around him. There were no more haunting dreams during
these nights, only emptiness, palpable and burning in his
heart.
The waves crashed against the shore, their roaring lost in the
distance, so far beyond the stretch of white, clean sand
Obi-Wan was running along. The wind battered him, and he fought
against it with every step he took. The words of pain he tried
to form were torn from his lips as was his breath, yet he
stumbled on.
He kept his eyes closed, reaching out with his hands blindly,
stumbling along. The beach seemed endless while he ran and he
let go, allowing the waves and the winds to draw him into their
song, to lull him into a state of blissful nothingness.
He no longer noticed the chill that crept over his sweat-damp
skin, nor the tears that slowly dried on his cheeks. He knew
his lover was dead, that he could never regain his former self.
It had been dimmed and shadowed by his great loss, and though
his heart broke with this knowledge, though his soul bled and
his mind shattered, he was as determined to go on as never
before.
"I won't give up." he whispered.
Suddenly all sounds around him faded away to a low murmuring
whisper, and when he opened his eyes he stared straight into
Qui-Gon's. Interminable blue depths, raging like the ocean
waves, glowing with love.
"I'm proud of you, my heart. You have proven yourself stronger
than everyone expected you to be, including myself. Even now,
you do me proud."
Obi-Wan wanted to say something, anything, yet all he managed
was a croak, then he was wrapped in his lover's strong embrace,
kissed; Qui-Gon's hands wandered lower, touching him, caressing
his skin, warming him to the core.
It was early morning when he woke, alone in the woods, his
body still glowing, sated in the aftermath of loving. Yet this
time his dream had been no illusion, it had been real. He felt
secure in the knowledge that he had finally found what he had
set out to look for since Qui-Gon's death - the serenity and
acceptance he needed to move on with his life and fulfil his
destiny.
He returned to Theed a few days later, having cleansed his
soul and mind in long meditations, cementing his new-found
strength and determination. The woods where he had last
embraced his Qui-Gon had become the source of his inner
peace...a last, unforgettable present from his lover.
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