Master Apprentice
Archive
Waving on a Fork
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Obi-Wan is surprised to discover that Qui-Gon has a phobia. Though of course, Qui-Gon doesn't have a phobia. That wouldn't be Jedi. Qui-Gon has a perfectly reasonable, well-justified, vindictive, shuddering hatred.
Q/O, Humour/Parody; Squick.
Rated... barely R for sexual situations, but that's not what you need to worry about.
Warning? If you don't like being squicked, don't read this. It will make your head explode. That's my warning. You're hereby walking through the gates labelled 'abandon hope' right now.
The challenge was Sian's, so here endeth my responsibility.
Phobias.
They're irrational, of course, often without reason, and can show up without any advance warning. So, what kind would our favorite guys have and how might it affect a mission? Or a kinky sex tryst? Or ...
George created these characters. I just upset them, and that's a non-profit cause.
Thank you, Hilde and Kris, who demonstrated bravery in the face of unimaginable odds. Because they were in that kind of mood.
Feedback? *Oh* yeah. (I missed Moulin Rouge to finish this in one six hour sitting, so I need to know it was worth it.) drsquidlove@virginqueen.com
It was an intimate, informal dinner, an evening for the organisers of the Dorgren system summit to meet and plan before the various world representatives descended on Dorgren III the next day. It was an excellent team, committed and competent, and all the details were taken care of before their main meal arrived.
On any day, Qui-Gon would be glad to be in the company of such a competent team. Tonight, as Qui-Gon's fingernails dug into his palms, he quietly thanked the Force, over and over, that they had finished the important discussion already.
"Master, you haven't eaten anything."
"I'm not hungry."
"Then may I take some of that? You really should try it, it's delicious." At Qui-Gon's nod, Obi-Wan deftly requisitioned the black pod-like things from his master's plate, a habit they'd perfected over years of politely dividing up their meals. He speared one with a fork, bit in with a crunch and caught the steaming, melty insides on his tongue before they could drip.
Qui-Gon winced, and looked away.
"Mm. I wonder what these are, and if we can get them on Coruscant. It's most unusual, the outside is sort of wafery-"
Qui-Gon had had enough. "Padawan, stop. It's cockroach. I don't need an in-depth guide to taste and texture, please."
Obi-Wan paused, forehead creasing as he examined the bug - half-bug - left on his fork. "Are you sure?" His jaw rolled as his tongue worked around his mouth, and Qui-Gon swallowed, queasily. "Oh, I see. Yes, there's still a leg attached." He pointed, and then popped the morsel into his mouth.
A groan escaped Qui-Gon before he could catch it, so he covered his mouth and smiled at their hosts, to pretend it had been a burp.
"Are you bothered, master?"
Bothered? It was all he could do to remain seated at the same table as creatures so unforgivably heinous, be they living or deep fried. Qui-Gon smiled blandly and gazed around the table to be sure no one was listening. "You are eating cockroaches."
A crunch and a slurping noise, and Qui-Gon shuddered. "They're quite nutritional."
Qui-Gon pulled inside a little mental shell, and waited for the meal to end.
Unfortunately, the meal was not the end. Obi-Wan had a new favourite topic to carry them back to their quarters. "It makes sense that the Dorgren would embrace cockroaches as a food staple, since there are so many of them here."
"So many Dorgren?"
"So many cockroaches. This part of the country is a primary breeding ground."
Qui-Gon stopped. "This place is infested?"
"Hardly infested. This is their natural habitat."
A long stare. Obi-Wan was serious. This place, where they were going to live for the next week, was crawling. With crawlies. "We're going home."
"We are not going home."
"I'm not staying."
Obi-Wan caught his hand and pulled him along. "Master, be reasonable. They're not like the cockroaches in the sublevels of Coruscant."
Qui-Gon waited, hope on his face, for some reassurance.
"These are a completely different species. They grow to about this." He held his hands apart, paused and moved them a little wider.
Qui-Gon looked at the yawning chasm between his padawan's palms. "They're that big?"
Obi-Wan smiled, relieved to have eased his master's distress. "Yes."
"So they're about the length of your hand."
Obi-Wan looked at his hand. "Yes."
"And they scuttle?"
"Well, yes-"
"And they have scratchy, barbed legs?"
"Yes, but-"
"And brown papery wings?"
Obi-Wan shrugged. "Well, yes, they have all that-"
"So they're not completely different. They're just... bigger."
"Not that much bi- You might not want to look down just now."
Qui-Gon slammed back against the wall. "Get rid of it."
Obi-Wan stared at him, amused and a little horrified. "It's just a cockroach."
Fingernails digging in, hands grazing on the stone wall, Qui-Gon was shaking all over. "Kill it."
Gaping, open horror, now. "Master, it's a living creature. It's part of the living Force."
"They're not a part of the living Force, Obi-Wan, they're bugs. Scuttly, crunchy, chattering, filthy bugs."
Instead of immediately stomping on the vortex of evil lurking by his boot, Obi-Wan folded his arms into his sleeves, gearing up for a lecture. "Actually, Master, cockroaches are very clean. They wash-"
"Shut up. I don't want a biology lesson. I want that thing dead." He pressed closer to the wall.
"So why don't you kill it?"
Himself? Feel it crunch and squish under his own foot? Have guts stuck to his own tread? Risk having it dodge his wrath and scurry up his leg? "I don't want it to touch my boot."
"You could always use your lightsaber."
Qui-Gon took a deep breath and reached for his belt.
"I was joking!"
His hand clenched on the hilt, not quite unhooking it. "Stop joking, and make it dead."
A pointed look, then Obi-Wan nudged it with his boot and it scuttled away to freedom, greasy shell glinting in the dim light.
It was the best Qui-Gon could get from his padawan, so as soon as he was sure it was gone, he gathered all the dignity he had remaining and brushed past with a glare.
His mood didn't improve when they reached their rooms and Obi-Wan felt free to chuckle.
"I hardly find this amusing, Padawan."
Obi-Wan grinned openly, now, the irritatingly childish grin that Obi-Wan thought looked cute and innocent. "I never knew you were phobic. Oh, don't be like that. It's rather sweet." And then he stepped closer and leaned up for kiss.
Qui-Gon's eyes went so wide he was sure they were going to fall out, and he stumbled back so quickly he almost tripped. "You are kidding, aren't you?
"What?"
"I may never put my tongue in your mouth again."
"*What?*"
Qui-Gon stared at the mouth he usually found so incredibly tantalising, but all he could see was that tongue, flicking out to catch the guts dripping from the half-bug impaled on his fork at dinner. Qui-Gon shuddered.
With a long sigh to indicate his endless patience and his firm belief that temporary hysteria would not infringe on his sex life in the long term, Obi-Wan nodded. "Fine." He moved closer, and began to tug at Qui-Gon's tunics, parting them to his waist. "No kissing." Instead he leaned close and breathed a long line from Qui-Gon's belt up to his neck.
Qui-Gon forced himself to relax. He knew that his entirely justifiable hatred of those foul things didn't have any specific grounding in science. It wasn't something he should, in good conscience, inflict on his apprentice, and Obi-Wan's hand massaging his crotch did, he had to admit, feel remarkably good. "Nice..."
"That's it. You just need a little distraction." Deft hands dropped his pants, rubbed his cock and then ghosted up his sides, barely touching down his back and over his buttocks, back up, the soft scratch of fingernails up his thigh, and gooseflesh broke out all over Qui-Gon's body.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"That scratching, it's like... their legs. I don't want to think about scratching things right now."
Another one of those patience sighs. "Fine." And then Obi-Wan gripped him firmly. "Is that better?"
"*Hoh*, yes."
Smiling lips against his collarbone. "Good." And those lips nibbled, softly, wonderfully along the bone, before tracing a line that led determinedly south, until Obi-Wan was on his knees, right in the middle of the room, staring hungrily at Qui-Gon's thick, weeping shaft.
Hot breath made Qui-Gon shake; he looked down to see a tongue flick out and jerked back, jerking and convulsing and shaking himself as though he might throw off his crawling skin. Or the vision of dripping bug guts. "I'm sorry. I can't. I just keep picturing them scuttling all over me."
Obi-Wan dropped back to sit on his heels, throwing up his hands. "They're not! Believe me, I was close enough to see."
"I don't mean them. It's you." Qui-Gon jerked up his trousers. "I'm not putting my penis anywhere that cockroaches have been all..." - he blanched - "mashed up and digested."
"You're being ridiculous."
"Obi-Wan, you know I love you dearly, but you're... all cockroachy."
"So what do you want me to do?" Chin pulled in, cheeks puffed slightly. He was hurt.
Qui-Gon grimaced, apologetic. "Just, come to bed, Obi-Wan."
They shared a long look, and then Obi-Wan allowed a small smile, and Qui-Gon cautiously smiled back.
Obi-Wan climbed to his feet, and waved vaguely at his groin. "I have something to take care of. I'll be in in a minute."
"I'm sorry."
Obi-Wan just headed for the toilet, waving off the apology. Qui-Gon stripped and climbed into bed, shifting and turning and imagining things. On any other day, he would have insisted on watching what Obi-Wan was doing, his hands on his cock, but tonight it just wouldn't be... ugh. Qui-Gon wanted to take his brain out and wash it.
Finally Obi-Wan appeared at the door, walked to the light control.
"Leave it on. And stay on your side of the bed."
Bring it on! drsquidlove@virginqueen.com
Final note:
Hilde clarifies that bug legs are generally indigestible. Assuming they don't get stuck on the way through, they would likely find their natural way out in a few days.
More Squidfic can be found at
The Lecherous Tentacles of Dr Squidlove
http://members.iinet.net.au/~tentacles/squidfic.html