Wanting You So Badly

by Clan Rose

Title: Wanting You So Badly

Author: Clan Rose (Padawan Chan, Padawan Kat, Padawan Missa, Padawan Kalujinn, and Master Rose)

Archive: M/A and my web site, http://www.sockiipress.org/~rose

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Q/O

Category: Hurt/Comfort, First Time Qui/Obi

Warnings: Self-injury

Spoilers: None

Feedback: You WILL send feedback. Ah, come on! You know you want to! On list or off to rosarocaminis@yahoo.com. I will forward all off list feedback to my Clan.

Summary: Faced with his Trials, Obi-Wan makes two discoveries. One, that he doesn't want to leave Qui-Gon, and two, that his Master has a painful and destructive way of dealing with despair. Written as a Clan Rose round robin.

*xxx* is thoughts //xxx// is mind speech

It had been an exhilarating sparring session. Obi-Wan, thrilled to finally be back at the Temple and still on a high from their last successful mission, was fighting better than ever. His Master - well, there was a reason why Qui-Gon Jinn was considered one of the best swordsmen in the history of the order.

Within minutes, a crowd had gathered. Nearly two hours later, when Obi-Wan managed somehow to get past Qui-Gon's guard and disarm him, they were completely surrounded by a throng of admiring, cheering spectators. Obi-Wan grinned when his Master stepped up and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"You did well, my Padawan," Qui-Gon said, his blue eyes full of pride. "There's not much more that I can teach you. Soon, I'll recommend you for your trials."

He walked away, and Obi-Wan stood there, stunned and silent. His trials. It was what he had worked for, waited for. It was his chance to prove himself worthy of all his Master's training. So why, he wondered, did it feel so wrong?

Obi-Wan didn't have time to contemplate it for long as his best friend Bant came scurrying over from across the room.

"Obi! You were so wonderful!" She broke off when she noticed the distant look in his eyes. "Obi-Wan?"

"Huh? Oh, hi Bant."

"Are you okay? Thought I lost you there for a minute."

He flashed her his winning smile. "Yeah, of course. I'm great. Did you watch my session with Qui-Gon?"

"I wouldn't have missed it. You were incredible."

"Thanks."

"So where do you want to go to celebrate?"

He blinked, not quite following the conversation. "Celebrate? Today?"

"Of course today, silly."

"Oh, I don't think so...um I have a lot of studying to catch up on, being away from the Temple and all." Obi-Wan got that look in his eyes again and his brows furrowed as if in concentration.

Bant put her hand on her friend's arm. "Are you sure you're all right? You aren't injured are you?"

"No, I'm fine. I just really have to go. See you later."

Bant watched her friend run off to the showers, wondering what it was that was bothering him.

Obi-Wan turned the water on and stepped into the shower, his thoughts on what his Master had said after the sparring match. He wasn't completely sure why he was upset. In fact, if one of his friends had asked him before the match about being ready to take the trials, he would have honestly told them that he was looking forward to them.

After all, once he became a Knight, he would have the chance to do things his own way, perhaps follow the Code a little closer than his Master was wont to do. He would occasionally be asked to pair with other Knights and Masters and he would have his own quarters in the Temple or perhaps be stationed at another Temple.

Eventually, he would pick a Padawan learner of his own and teach him or her in the ways of the Force. He hoped his future Padawan and himself would share the closeness that he and Qui-Gon now shared after many years of trial and error.

Yes, his future did indeed look bright. So, why was he feeling this way?

Before he let the melancholy take over and consume him, Obi-Wan closed his eyes and tilted his head back, letting the water run down his face and across his body, washing away the sadness and clearing his mind. He shifted his thoughts to those moments of joy that he had shared with his Master through their years together and what the future might hold for them.

His eyes flew open with a start when he realized what he saw in their future. He looked down to find that his hand was firmly wrapped around his rapidly growing erection.

*No, this isn't right,* Obi-Wan thought, trying to replace the image in his mind with anyone other than Qui-Gon. But try as he might, his body was responding to the mental stimulus, and his hand began to caress and stroke his growing length as he'd done many times before, only never really to the image of his Master.

Oh, there had been the occasional fantasy about the hands, Qui-Gon's large hands, but never had they played out in such graphic detail.

After a brief struggle with his conscience, Obi-Wan gave in to the fantasy. He placed one hand against the tiled wall and leaned into the stream of hot water, closing his eyes. Spreading his legs a bit, he began stroking his erection in earnest.

He imagined his Master striding confidently into the changing room, pausing briefly to strip off his sweat soaked exercise attire, then moving into the shower with Obi-Wan. Without a word, he would back his Padawan against the wall and capture his mouth in a passionate kiss. Obi-Wan could almost feel the heat of his Master's erection pressing against his own.

With a shout, he came, splattering his seed on the tiles.

*Oh, sweet Force,* he thought, leaning forward until his forehead was against the wall, the hot water pounding on his back. *I want to be Knighted, but I don't want to leave him. Not now, not knowing how much I want him. But, what the Sith am I supposed to do?*

Qui-Gon Jinn chose to return to the quarters he shared with Obi-Wan before taking his own shower. *I can't be in the boy's presence right now,* he told himself, disgusted at his body's responses. He stripped down quickly, his arousal painfully hard and demanding immediate attention. *If he knew how badly I want him, he'd be horrified. He's never thought about me that way, not since that brief crush during puberty, anyway. So, what the Sith am I supposed to do?*

He climbed into the shower and started the spray, hoping for the moment that if he ignored the reaction of his body, then it might just go away. After a few moments under the hot water, Qui-Gon realized that nothing was going to change and slid his hand down to grab his still hard member. Jerking his hand sharply, the Jedi Master groaned loudly, the sound echoing in the small room. With speedy tugs, he quickly brought himself toward completion. It was an act not brought on by love or passion. It was an act of lust. Lust for a young man that could never be his. That should never be his.

With a strangled cry he came and, disgusted with himself yet again, quickly finished his shower. Entering the main room, Qui-Gon was relieved to find that Obi-Wan had not yet returned.

*Good,* he thought. *This will give me time to meditate on the situation.* Grabbing his meditation mat, Qui-Gon slipped out the door on his way to the gardens.

Qui-Gon found his way to a small garden, laid his mat on the ground, and knelt. He tried to quiet his mind but he couldn't find his center. All he could think about was Obi-Wan. Without thought, his hand pulled the small dagger that he carried in his boot. He pushed his tunic sleeve up and slowly and methodically began to draw the point of the knife down his arm.

With each pull of the knife, he became more calm. The pain always helped him find his center. He sighed as the blood began to drip off his fingertips onto the soil. His Master would be disappointed to know that he had resorted to this old trick, one he had used on occasion as a Padawan, when overwhelmed by imagined failures. He had done it only once since, in the months of deep despair after Xanatos had turned.

Calm. Peaceful. Centered. *Yes, that's it,* he thought as the answers began to come. *That is what I must do. I must find Obi-Wan. He will understand. Yes.*

Obi-Wan was just returning to their quarters when he saw his Master leave and head toward the lifts.

"Master!" he called, hoping to catch his attention. But there was no response. Because his Master didn't hear, or chose not to, he didn't know. // Master? // he tried again, this time through their bond. Obi-Wan was shocked that not only was there no response, but that Qui-Gon was shielded tightly against him.

Obi-Wan stared at the lift doors as they closed behind his Master. *Where could he be going, and why are his shields so tight?* Obi-Wan let out an exasperated sigh and headed for their quarters. He palmed the door open and stepped inside. He was immediately assaulted by an onslaught of sensations.

Qui-Gon's Force presence filled the space, his scent heavy in the room. Obi-Wan could feel it all around him, soaking into his skin. It was all he could see or sense. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, filling his lungs with his Master until he thought they would burst. For the second time today, he gave in to his body's urgings. He moved into the fresher, where the sensations were the strongest, and masturbated. A few minutes later, exhausted and spent -- and more than a little confused -- he resolved to find his Master and sort this out.

The sleepy shadows of twilight concealed more than they revealed, Obi-Wan decided, as he prowled the less traveled paths of the Chma garden. The wild profusion of plant life drew birds to nest there. Their pleasant cooing of nightsong soothed the young man's mind as he searched for his Master.

He knew the older Jedi preferred this garden. It seemed a good guess that he would be here. Rounding a bend in the path, Obi-Wan spotted Qui-Gon kneeling in meditation, his shoulders slumped, his head bowed. Stepping closer on quiet feet, the young man joined him, kneeling one step behind and two to his left. Gathering the Force about himself, Obi-Wan inhaled deeply. Strange, he thought, detecting a faint odor in the air with the aid of his Force-enhanced senses. In addition to the scent of rich green growing things, he also smelled something... metallic. Almost like... blood.

Obi-Wan's eyes flew open as he leaned forward to grasp Qui-Gon's shoulder, "Master?"

Qui-Gon slithered drunkenly to the ground, his eyes rolled back in his head. Open wounds upon his forearms bore the drying traces of blood. One particularly nasty wound near his left wrist still oozed. A darkened pool on the ground where his Master had been meditating revealed that the Jedi had been bleeding profusely, for quite some time.

Horrified, Obi-Wan clamped one hand around the bleeding wrist. Using the other to jerk out his comm, he summoned the Healers. Knowing they were on their way reassured him, even as he used the Force to steady his Master's vital signs. "Why?" he asked the unconscious man now draped across his lap. He felt wetness on his cheek, and blinked as tears spilled down his face. "Why, Master?"

Qui-Gon roused slightly at his words. "Love you, Obi," he murmured. "Loved you always."

Obi-Wan felt his brows draw together as he frowned. *Well, of course you love me,* he wanted to say. *I know we had some rocky times when you first took me as Padawan, but --* He cut the thought off, his eyes widening. Oh, sweet Force! That wasn't what Qui-Gon was saying.

"Are you saying," the young man began, watching the flicker of blue from beneath nearly closed eyelids, "that you are in love with me, Master?"

"It's wrong," Qui-Gon said, his words slurring together. His head lolled to one side, his consciousness fading again. "Wrong to love you."

"No! Master, it's not wrong!" Obi-Wan nearly shouted. He gave his unresponsive Master a gentle shake, throwing his mind forward into Qui-Gon's, holding tightly to him through their bond. // Master? Qui-Gon? Please, don't give up now! Not now! I love you, too! Please hear me, Master! I love you so much! //

There was no answer, no sign the other had heard. Struggling to his feet, Obi-Wan called on the Force and drew the larger man up with him, one hand still wrapped tightly around the slashed wrist. Stumbling under his burden, he headed for the corridor and the Healers he knew were en route.

How long he walked he couldn't have said, so caught up was he in his support, both mental and physical, of the man in his arms. All he knew was that, at some point, others were easing Qui-Gon out of his hold, supporting his own shoulders as he staggered, nearly falling. // Hold on, Master, // he sent through their tightly focused link. // Please, just hold on. // Something hissed on the side of his neck, and blissful darkness consumed him.

Qui-Gon awoke, feeling like six kinds of an idiot, in the Healer's Ward. His arms throbbed softly, nearly numb with painkillers, and he was as weak as a newborn pitten. A presence hovered nearby, but surprisingly it was Master Yoda, not Obi-Wan, who sat beside his bed. He forced his eyes open, blinking in the blessedly dimmed lighting.

"Over this, I thought you were," Yoda said without preamble, his voice heavy. "Why this time did you injure yourself?"

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon managed to croak.

Yoda's ears lowered. "Being tended, your Padawan is. Supported your life, he did, until the Healers arrived. Now, my question you will answer."

Qui-Gon swallowed hard and cleared his throat. Then, he shook his head, letting Yoda know he had misunderstood. "Obi-Wan is why," he said, surprised when his voice came out nearly normal. "I'm in love with him, Master."

"Yes. But an answer this is not."

Qui-Gon blinked. "You knew?"

"That love him you do? Of course. Know this half the Temple does." Yoda leaned forward, his gaze holding Qui-Gon's. "Proclaim your love, did you?"

Qui-Gon shook his head. "No, Master. I can't love him, don't you see? It's wrong."

"No!" Yoda said. "Wrong it is not! Love you, too, the boy does, although aware of it I'm not certain he is."

"W-what?" Qui-Gon stammered, pushing up onto his elbows. He stared into the old Master's eyes. "What did you say?"

"In love with you your Padawan is. Brought together by the Force you were. Know this you do, though fight it you have." He shook his head and cast a pointed glance at the already half healed scars on Qui-Gon's arms. "Trying to take your life were you?"

Qui-Gon felt his face grow warm. "No, Master. I certainly didn't intend to -" He broke off, trying to chase down illusive answers. "I was distraught, thinking that Obi-Wan would never, could never, be mine. That he would never want -" He dragged in a shuddering breath. "I guess I cut too deeply. I just needed the pain."

Yoda shook his head again, sadly. "Never understood this, I have." He pushed himself off his chair, retrieving his gimer stick before turning to peg Qui-Gon with another stern look. "In to see you the Soul Healer will be."

Qui-Gon nodded. "I know, Master." Then, he stiffened as he felt Obi-Wan's presence growing nearer. "And, Obi-Wan is coming. What should I tell him?"

Yoda aimed his stick at Qui-Gon's chest. "Your heart you must speak of. No more lies, no more hiding. Only the truth he needs now, as do you." Then, there was time for no more as the door opened and Obi-Wan stood there, his face pale, his gray-green eyes haunted. "Alone I will leave you," Yoda said, shambling toward the door. He stopped before the young man and poked him lightly with his gimer stick. "Advice I gave your Master I give to you as well. Speak from your heart."

Obi-Wan bowed his head. "Yes, Master Yoda." He looked up and caught Qui-Gon's gaze. "I'll see to it that we both do."

Yoda harrumphed once, then left, closing the door behind him. For a long moment, the Master and Apprentice merely stood, staring at one another. Obi-Wan was the first to break the silence.

"When I found you in the garden, you said that you loved me," he said, not moving from his spot by the door. "Is it true?"

"Yes."

Obi-Wan eyed him. "Then, why did you try to kill yourself?"

"I didn't," the older Jedi explained. He sighed. He had half hoped that Yoda would explain this to Obi-Wan, to save him from having to. He should have known better. "It's - an old method of focusing, of helping find my center when other ways aren't working. I didn't intend to cut so deeply."

Obi-Wan nodded thoughtfully, turning away as his hands moved to his belt. "I've read, Master," he said over his shoulder, "that self injury is a way to release tension, to release emotions, that are too intense to keep inside. Is that right?" He stripped off his robe and dropped it onto a nearby chair, along with his wide leather belt.

"I suppose." Qui-Gon answered, watching warily as Obi-Wan bent and unbuckled first one boot and then the other.

"And that, by cutting yourself, you are seeking emotional release, or at least a distraction."

"Yes."

The boots dropped to the floor, and Obi-Wan climbed onto the bed, swinging a leg across a startled Qui-Gon's hips. "And, that it's a sign you are so filled with emotion, with anxiety, that you feel you're going to burst open."

The Jedi Master nodded, moistening his lips and shifting nervously, feeling his penis stir at the closeness of his Padawan.

"Then," Obi-Wan continued, using a slight motion of one hand to close and lock the door, "I propose that we find another form of distraction, of release. One that won't land you in the Healers."

Qui-Gon's mouth went dry, all the blood in his body rushing southward, as Obi-Wan bent low and captured his mouth in a heart-stopping, painfully gentle kiss.

"I love you, Qui-Gon Jinn," the young man said a moment later, his warm breath sweeping across his Master's lips and stirring the hair of his beard. "I don't ever want to be apart from you. Not now, not after my Knighting. Never." He stroked Qui-Gon's upper lip with his tongue, a brief but immensely sensual act, and lowered himself until their groins pressed together, leaving no doubt as to his own state of arousal. "And, I find that I want more between us than we have now." His teeth closed briefly on Qui-Gon's ear, sending a shiver of delight through the older man. "Much more. Is this something that might appeal to you?"

In answer, Qui-Gon caught Obi-Wan's hand and pressed it down on his fully engorged cock. "Yes, beloved," he breathed. "Oh, yes."

"If the Force is my light," the Padawan began, quoting a sacred Jedi ritual that was older than memory, "then you shall be my candle. If the Force is my strength, then you shall be my virility. If the Force is my guide, then you shall be my navigator." As he spoke, he freed their cocks, drawing them together in one hand so that any slight movement of one was felt by the other. "Is this what you want?"

"Force, yes!" Qui-Gon croaked, nearly beyond words now as Obi-Wan began to stroke along their combined lengths, his lightly calloused hand holding them with just the perfect tightness. His own hands came up, needing to touch, to hold, but Obi-Wan waved them away.

"Be still," he ordered softly. "You need to heal. Let me do this for you. For us." His green eyes caught and held his Master's blue ones, the depth of his love and devotion clearly visible in their stormy depths. "I, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Padawan Learner, do take you, Qui-Gon Jinn, to be my life partner, to love and cherish and protect for all time."

Qui-Gon struggled for rational thought, struggled against the need to simply thrust into his Padawan's grip and drive onward toward completion. But, if saying the vows was important to Obi-Wan, then it was important to him. "I, Qui-Gon Jinn," he intoned, "Jedi Master, do take you, Obi-Wan Kenobi, to be my life partner, to love and cherish and protect for all time."

Obi-Wan's hand was moving faster now, his head tipped back even though his gaze was still locked with his Master's, his breath coming nearly as quickly as Qui-Gon's. "I do love you, Qui-Gon," he said.

"And I love you, my own."

In the next breath, Obi-Wan came, his warm semen splashing across the older man's chest. Qui-Gon followed him a second later. As they collapsed, satiated, side by side on the bed, Qui-Gon reached up slowly to grasp the long silken braid between his fingers. The Force swirled around them, sealing their souls together with a bond that would last through death and beyond. He sighed, hearing the echo of it from the man snuggled against him. "Mine," he whispered. "for all time."

The End