Master Apprentice
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continued from previous part
Chapter 8
Obi-Wan sat staring blankly into the twisting, twirling flames of the fire he'd built a few hours ago, contemplating how profoundly complicated his life had become. He hadn't noticed that the sun had set, nor that darkness was upon him. The heat from the fire had become uncomfortable on his face, yet he couldn't be bothered moving back.
Having sex with Kan had been a mistake. The man from the beginning had reminded him too much of Qui-Gon and the sex had brought too many painful memories to the surface. Memories that he'd promised himself would never see the light of day again.
Worse than any personal pain he'd caused himself was the concern that he may have also undone the progress he had made in negotiating a settlement between the Payan government and the Nisian leader.
At first he had responded enthusiastically to Kan's overtures, needing to relieve the ache and desire that Anakin and the bond aroused. But then, amidst their passionate embraces, Anakin's trusting face had flashed in his mind, filling him with guilt and shame. Those feelings were quickly followed by memories of the first time he and Qui-Gon had made love. It became harder and harder to reciprocate Kan's passion as the panic and fear generated by those thoughts flooded his mind. It was only by using techniques he'd learned in the brothels that he'd been able to complete the act at all.
After they finished making love that afternoon, he'd left Kan napping, taking the bottle of wine off the bedside table he snuck out of the quiet bedroom like a thief in the night. Squinting into the late afternoon sun and taking frequent draws from the bottle, he stumbled down the beach toward the cottage, tripping on the edges of his cloak which he had hastily thrown around his shoulders. He liked Kan too much to treat him like a casual fling, but he needed to end it. He knew the man wasn't in love with him, but his rudeness would probably cool Kan's very ardent admiration. Nevertheless, he regretted the affair and his bad behavior, not to mention the foolhardiness of mistreating one of the respected leaders whom he was asking to make major concessions in the midst of intense negotiations. As usual he'd screwed up. He had no defense, other than needing to get out of there so he could self-destruct in private.
Obi-Wan drank greedily from the bottle of wine he'd swiped, hoping to numb the pain and dim the memories for a while. Yet, despite his near-drunkenness, his mind was still inundated with vibrantly painful images of his past; of his bond-mate and master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
That first time with Qui-Gon had been wondrous and terrible, full of guilt and confusion and just like this time, it had been for all the wrong reasons. He held his head in one hand and the bottle in the other. They had just gotten back to the Temple from a mission on Theon, one of the small moons of Leatha, where they had settled a dispute between the Centex Mining Company and an outside co-op. It had been a difficult mission and took much longer than anyone expected. They were tired and on edge and their usually comfortable relationship was strained for reasons that Obi-Wan didn't understand. Before they had left, he'd confronted Qui-Gon about the growing tension between them and the master's habit of shielding himself from their training bond, but the older man's only response was to answer coldly that there were things on his mind that did not concern his padawan. He hated the fact the Qui-Gon didn't trust him enough to talk about it, but had not been surprised. It was a pattern that had been repeated often in their relationship since Obi-Wan turned sixteen.
That first time, their first time; God it was ages ago, yet felt like yesterday. He'd been lying on his bed reading some boring text required for one of his upper-level classes when he heard a knock on his door. He looked up from the datapad, surprised and pleased by Qui- Gon's visit, especially since his master had seemed to be going out of his way to avoid him lately. Perhaps he was finally ready to open up about whatever was bothering him. Qui-Gon stood at the door hesitantly as if undecided on how to proceed. "Yes, Master?" he asked encouragingly, setting aside the datapad.
Qui-Gon paused and then walked to the bed, his eyes raking over Obi- Wan's bare torso with a look that both excited and confused the younger man. Qui-Gon paused and covered those lust-filled eyes with a shaking hand as if looking at his padawan was painful. He sat down on the bed and then gazed uncertainly into his padawan's eyes. "Obi-Wan, I --" he asked, reaching out to let his fingers skim over Obi-Wan's cheeks and chin. Then his voice broke and he looked away again.
"Master, please tell me?" Obi-Wan had never seen his master falter like this. It frightened him. Had something happened, he wondered? He reached out and touched Qui-Gon's arm softly.
Qui-Gon swallowed nervously. "Obi-Wan, it's just that – you're so beautiful. So very beautiful," he said, his voice husky. "I can't fight it anymore. I've tried. I'm sorry. I know it's wrong, but I need -- ." Qui-Gon lowered his voice to a whisper. "I need – you."
Obi-Wan gasped as he was pulled roughly into Qui-Gon`s arms, immediately relaxing into the embrace. He twined his arms around his master and returned the hug lovingly. It had been so long since Qui- Gon had held him or showed him any affection and it felt so good to be held again that it took him a few seconds to realize that this wasn't the masterly affection he was accustomed to. He gasped again at the feel of his master's lips feathering kisses down his neck and then tensed in confusion as the caresses became more passionate. Why was his master nuzzling his neck, biting and sucking at the soft skin between his shoulder and clavicle? He'd wanted this practically his whole life, but he had thought it would be soft and loving not this desperate, almost unwilling surrender.
He reached out with the Force to test his master's feelings and was shocked to feel intense arousal, confusion and shame. He'd never known his master to be ashamed of anything. He tried to pull away, needing to get answers, but was held tightly against Qui-Gon's chest as he was lowered onto the bed. Obi-Wan fortified his shields trying to block the lustful thoughts his master was projecting. He didn't want this; not this way. Obi-Wan tentatively pushed against his master's chest again. He couldn't purposefully disobey or resist his master's wishes; after all he'd been trained his whole life to obey this man in all things. He pushed a little harder, but his own body was betraying him even now. The feel of his beloved master kissing his neck and chest, those hands exploring his body, was too much to resist. In the last remaining coherent part of his mind two thoughts kept repeating themselves, conflicting and confusing: it's what I've wanted for so long, but it isn't supposed to be this way. It's wrong.
He wasn't a virgin. He`d been with women, but he'd never had sex with another man or given his heart to anyone. He had decided long ago that only one man would ever own that and here he was in that man's arms having all his dreams come true, but not in the way he needed. Qui-Gon ignored Obi-Wan's resistance and continued making love to him.
It felt so good, so wonderful; the feel of Qui-Gon's hands and lips. He melted into the feelings that overtook him and decided that, in this moment, he could accept whatever was offered. "I love you, Master," he whispered.
At the sound of those words, Qui-Gon seemed to momentarily regain his senses and pulled away, his eyes studying the face of his padawan intently. He shook his head in denial. "Don't," he said roughly then crushed Obi-Wan's lips with his own, pushing his tongue into his padawan's mouth, as if wanting to stifle any more words.
Obi-Wan hadn't needed to think about it; hadn't wanted to think about it. He wrapped his arms around his master's neck and allowed himself to be devoured by the man he loved. Looking back on it now, he had come to understand that the passion and heat had been too intense; it consumed them both and left nothing behind but regret and pain. Making love to Qui-Gon was the most exciting experience he'd ever had. The man's total devotion to sharing pleasure had left him exhausted and empty. As much as he hated that first time, he ached for more and thought he would die until his beloved touched him again. It had been beautiful and wonderful -- and awful.
Of course it did happen again, and again, and before long he moved into his master's bedroom permanently. He had put aside his doubts and longing for more and let himself believe that he'd found love and happiness with the one man he adored above all others.
When the bond formed a cycle later, his joy knew no bounds. He was relieved that it hadn`t only been lust that drove his master, but also love. After all, life-bonds didn't form without love, he told himself. Fool.
Of course the joy was short lived. Qui-Gon let it be known to everyone involved that he wasn't happy about their training bond developing into a life-bond, acting as if the bond was some sort of growth that needed to be cut out of him. In fact, he had gone to the Council demanding suppression so many times that Yoda had finally ordered him not to darken their chambers again unless for a mission report.
Obi-Wan had been hurt by the master's rejection, but grateful that the bond would stand. If he had allowed himself to look at it coldly and logically, he would have realized even then that his master wasn't in love with him and that it was nothing more than animal lust instigated by the Force in order to insure a bond. No matter how many hours Obi-Wan spent on his knees in meditation, he still had no clue as to why the Force would have wanted to bond him to a man who spurned him even while making love to him. However, Obi- Wan chose to ignore logic and steadfastly believed that Qui-Gon would eventually fall in love with him and embrace the bond. Unfortunately, Naboo happened and ended those dreams forever.
Much to the dismay of both master and apprentice, the Council had taken them off active duty so that the bond would have time to settle. One evening when Obi-Wan returned to their quarters from a late afternoon class, he was then surprised to find Qui-Gon studying an array of datapads.
"Master," Obi-Wan said, attempting a light teasing tone. "Are you studying for something?"
Qui-Gon just scowled and didn't respond. Obi-Wan thought about dropping the issue; Qui-Gon would tell him in his own good time what was up. But he tested the bond and felt a change – a sense of purpose that had been missing lately. He picked up a datapad off the couch and sat beside Qui-Gon. His brief glance at the contents of the datapad indicated that it was something about a trade dispute – and the report was embossed with the senate emblem. Obi-Wan felt a tinge of apprehension.
"Qui-Gon, what is going on?" he asked.
"We've been cleared for a mission. It would appear that Chancellor Valorum has personally requested that we be assigned to resolve a trade dispute between the Trade Federation and the planet of Naboo." He looked up at Obi-Wan, a grim smile on his face. "Even the Jedi Council doesn't refuse the Supreme Chancellor."
Obi-Wan should have been happy – a mission would require that they work together as a team. Surely the bond would settle better when they were back to their normal roles. But his sense of foreboding overcame his innate optimism. He should have been more attentive to this premonition.
On the way to Naboo their love-making had grown in intensity to the point that Obi-Wan came to dread it. Qui-Gon held him too tight, too long, too hard. He was bruised both in body and spirit by his master's constant need to touch or hold him without offering any emotional intimacy. He had never felt more alone in his life.
A few times he'd awaken, tightly encased in Qui-Gon's embrace, to find his master silently weeping into his hair. He pretended to be asleep, knowing that his master would never admit to the tears or tell him what was wrong. It all left him yearning for the simpler times before the life-bond, when he had at least held a master's love if not a bond-mate's.
Those last few days were the most confusing and terrible of his life. Knowing that something awful was going to happen and not being able to share his terror or dread with the one man whom he'd always depended upon to offer him security and love. He felt betrayed and abandoned.
He knew it was going to happen and yet did nothing. He should have knocked Qui-Gon out and gone himself; at least tried to do something. But instead he did the only thing he knew how to do, what he'd been trained to do his whole life: his duty.
"Master, your robe," he said quietly.
Qui-Gon nodded and then pulled the heavy cloak around him. "You must do exactly as I say," he barked frostily.
Obi-Wan nodded, but when he reached out for the bond, desperately needing the reassurance of his master's usual calm serenity, he felt only the coldness of a closed bond. Predictable, he thought bitterly.
They walked into the hanger already feeling the dark oiliness of the Sith they had been warned about. Qui-Gon turned to him. "Go meet up with the attack squadron. The control ship must be destroyed."
"No! We must stay together as we planned. Captain Pontiff can lead the fighters," Obi-Wan pleaded desperately, recognizing the hard determination in Qui-Gon's eyes. "Please, Master. We must not be separated."
"I will take care of this problem. You will do your duty and destroy the control ship," Qui-Gon replied sharply, walking away abruptly.
Obi-Wan normally accepted his master's every command obediently, but he could not this time. He felt the Force trembling around them, as if everything depended upon this moment. He knew that if he left Qui-Gon's side, nothing would ever be the same. He rushed forward and grabbed his master's arm, determined not to let him leave the hanger without him. "My duty is to protect you, Master. You need me!"
Qui-Gon pulled his bond-mate into his arms, crushing the smaller man against him for a few seconds. "We must do our duty. -- You are -- everything," he whispered softly and before Obi-Wan could react or comprehend his words, Qui-Gon had rushed off without a backwards glance.
Obi-Wan watched him until he disappeared around a corner, knowing somehow that it was over. The hardest thing he'd ever done in his life was getting on that fighter and leaving Qui-Gon behind. He did his duty, like a good Jedi should, and destroyed the control ship, but as quickly as he could, he turned his tiny fighter around to get back to Naboo and his bond-mate.
He was half-way back when the stabbing pain in his head struck, followed by a blinding vision. He found out later from Yoda that the pain he felt was when Qui-Gon suddenly opened the bond fully so that his padawan could see, hear and feel what his master experienced those last few moments. Force, how he wanted to forget the last hour of Qui-Gon's life, to purge it from his mind once and for all, but despite his best efforts to push the memory back down it came flooding back in a wave of wretchedness to torment his soul once again.
Obi-Wan had struggled back to consciousness and blindly instructed his droid to pilot the ship back to the Naboo hanger. During what felt like an excruciatingly slow and painful trip to Naboo, he knew everything Qui-Gon did. He saw the Sith Lord pull back his hood to reveal himself and heard Qui-Gon gasp in shock when he recognized Senator Palpatine. Obi-Wan felt as if he was the one saying Qui-Gon's words: "You Palpatine?" It was more than a vision; it was as if he was in two places at once. "Yes, you Jedi fool. I'm the Sith Lord and everything that's happened and will happen is according to my plan. If only you hadn't influenced the Queen, I`d be Chancellor right now.
"You are insane!"
"Insane? Because I don't adhere to your outdated religion? You Jedi have become weak and obsolete. The Republic is faltering because the Jedi refuse to take up their obligation and end the chaos. I will not falter. I will bring order."
"The Jedi will destroy you."
Palpatine pulled a light saber out of his sleeve and activated it, revealing its blood-red glow. "Yes, deride what you don't understand. Your arrogance is your downfall."
Qui-Gon lifted his saber and lit it. "The Jedi are stronger and wiser than you'll ever be."
"Is that why your old Master is, as we speak, ensuring that I will command the greatest army ever created?"
"Dooku would never help you."
Obi-Wan tried closing the bond in order to stop the vision, which was continuing to make piloting the small ship impossible. "Please Master, wait for me. Please," he begged into their bond. Qui-Gon ignored his pleas and kept the bond open. Obi-Wan continued living the vision and counting the seconds in what seemed like an agonizingly-slow trek back to Naboo. He managed to check their progress and saw the Naboo hanger approaching. Using the Force, he located his master; both men were in the reactor chamber.
Palpatine kept up his taunting. "He has been helping me for years. We planned this together. He was as disgusted as I was with the corruption in the Senate and the weakening of the Jedi Order. We were initiates together before I left the order for the Agricorps; another incredibly stupid custom the Jedi have adopted -- throwing away talented padawans, prime candidates for Sith apprentices."
"Enough of your lies, Palpatine," Qui-Gon said as he jumped over the Sith Lord in a blindingly quick maneuver that nearly beheaded the dark lord.
"It's Darth Sideous to you, and I am more powerful than you can imagine. The dark side is stronger than anything you can bring against me, you Jedi fool. Throw down your weapon and join me and Dooku and take your rightful place at our side."
"Never."
Palpatine, Sideous, or whatever the demon's name was laughed. "Then you shall die."
As soon as Obi-Wan's fighter reached the hanger, he popped open the top hatch, jumped out and was running before his feet even hit the ground. He used the Force to guide him instead of his eyes. The vision continued to unfold before him and he felt his panic rising at the sights and sounds pounding in his head. The two master swordsmen were fighting at a level that Obi-Wan had never seen before, but to Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon's increasing fatigue made it obvious who would be victorious. Obi-Wan made it to the reactor chamber just in time to see the blue plasma streak from Sideous' hands into his master's body. Qui-Gon dropped his saber and fell to the floor, bucking and writhing in agony. His silent screams of pain ripped through Obi-Wan's head, dropping him to his knees as well. At that moment the bond closed and Obi-Wan came rapidly back to himself. With a strength and power that Obi-Wan had not known he possessed, he ran the last few steps across the room, lighting his saber, cleaving the Sith Lord in half and Force-pushing both halves down into the reactor pit. He then fell beside Qui-Gon, pulling his frighteningly-still bond-mate into his arms. "Qui, please. Qui, don't die," he begged.
Qui-Gon's eyes fluttered open. "My Obi-Wan, you heard? You know?"
Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes." He felt the life-force fading from his beloved and his tears began falling onto the face that he adored more than life, even more than the Force. Qui-Gon reached up and skimmed two fingers tenderly across his padawan`s wet cheek.
"You must kill Dooku. Promise me." Obi-Wan nodded. "Please Master, don't leave me."
"Promise me you will kill Dooku."
"Yes, Master. I promise," Obi-Wan whispered, hoping that his dying master could hear his words. "I love you."
Qui-Gon's hand fell and the bond died, as did his master.
Closing his mind to the painful memories, Obi-Wan wiped the unbidden tears away and took another swig of the wine. He'd kept his promise. It was the only thing that had kept him alive; now he was struggling to come up with a reason to keep on living. He'd hoped after he killed the last Sith that he could somehow rededicate himself to being a Jedi and once again find meaning to his life, beyond just revenge. He needed to atone for all the things he'd done in the last eight years; cleanse his soul of the darkness that was overcoming him more and more as each day passed. But now, with this damned bond with Anakin, all he felt was a renewed sense of unworthiness and fear. Who was he kidding anyway? There had been too many concessions made; too many moral compromises for the sake of killing every last one of the fucking Sith.
The Council had been right: he had turned. It had been the only way to kill Dooku. The dark side was stronger. It was also cancerous and cannibalistic, eating you up from the inside out, leaving only a shell. That's all that was left of him; he had nothing left to give. This bond was a joke, just another reminder of what he couldn't have, what he didn't deserve and what had never been offered to him by the one man he had truly loved. Now he hated Qui-Gon, he hated the Force, and most of all he hated himself. The problem, he concluded, was that he was a coward at heart. If he'd been a true Jedi, he'd have killed himself a long time ago, but that was no longer an option, not with this bond. He wouldn't be responsible for doing to Anakin what had been done to him.
"Can I join you?"
Obi-Wan jerked out of his reflections and quickly wiped at his nose. "It's your beach," he answered, averting his eyes.
Anakin sat down on a large piece of driftwood, just a few feet away. He studied his bond-mate in the flickering firelight admiring how the flames lit Obi-Wan's face with shifting shadows. He reached out for the bond and wasn't surprised to find it closed. He then examined what he could sense of his bond-mate's feelings: sadness and despair, shame. Anakin was fascinated by the strange man sitting across from him; so complex and mysterious, beautiful. He just wanted to be with him for a little while, sit near him, and comfort him if he could. He hesitated knowing that he was tempting the man's anger, but couldn't resist at least trying, "Why are you so sad?"
Obi-Wan looked up. "Because I'm bonded to you."
Anakin flinched, but forced himself to ignore the biting insult. "Why don't you stop being such an asshole and take some comfort when it's offered. I am your bond-mate; we are supposed to be trying to get to know each other. You know Master's Yoda and Mace are going to be checking on us soon and you have hardly spoken to me in the whole cycle we've been here."
Obi-Wan looked at the boy angrily, "Why can't you get it through your brain that I don't want to know you and I sure as hell don't want to be your mate."
"And why can't you understand that you don't have a choice. You are my bond-mate and I'm yours. I love you and you love me and nothing you do or say is going to change that," Anakin retorted hotly. "Why can't you just at least talk to me? Would that be so awful?"
Obi-Wan shook his head in disgust and then looked away again. The boy was a stubborn idiot. No, not an idiot. Anakin had not only proven his dedication to duty on this mission, but also his intelligence and goodness. He turned back to the boy and decided to take him up on the challenge. Maybe a little truth and a major dose of reality would break through the kid's romantic ideas.
"Alright, ask away. I'm a fucking open book. But I warn you now, you won't like it."
Anakin looked shocked by the pronouncement, but was so grateful that he was being offered this opportunity that he rushed to ask his first question. "Do you have a lover?"
"You mean a regular lover, boyfriend, girlfriend?" Obi-Wan didn't want to mention Kan right at the moment; the kid might take it into his head to confront the Nisian chief in a jealous fit or something.
Anakin nodded.
"No, but I have fucked around quite a bit. I'm what you might call a whore."
Anakin grimaced at Obi-Wan's intentional crudeness, but continued, determined to see the game through to the end and not allow the older knight to scare him off. "How long were you in love with Qui-Gon?"
Obi-Wan looked at the boy angrily. "That's none of your business." Anakin opened his mouth to complain, but Obi-Wan stopped him."Okay,okay. Since I was sixteen years old."
"When did you two -- you know…"
Obi-Wan grimaced with disgust then laughed and took another gulp of wine "We did the `you know' for the first time almost three months before he died. I was twenty years old, older than you are now." Not allowing Obi-Wan the satisfaction of a reaction to his mocking, Anakin quickly asked, "How did you kill all those Sith?"
"They weren't all technically Sith, more like Sith wannabees. To answer your question, I became one of them; blended in with the landscape, you might say. Sith are foul creatures. They had no morals and indulged in every vice known to sentient beings and some they made up. So I became either a spice dealer or prostitute or slaver depending upon the particular target's preferred vice."
Anakin squirmed uncomfortably. "I don't understand? What do you mean you became a spice dealer and slaver?"
Obi-Wan stared into Anakin's eyes, seeing the doubt he'd been expecting already starting to creep in. "I mean I sold spice to children and addicts and lived in their world for months, even years at a time, until my opportunity came to murder the Sith flavor-of-the- month. I fucked for money and when a Sith came to my bed, I stabbed him in the heart. I sold helpless beings, including children, to rich men, mining companies and brothels for money and watched as they were raped. All so I could kill a few Sith."
Obi-Wan and Anakin glared at each other, neither speaking for several minutes. Anakin was mortified, a flush of shame and disgust spreading through his body. "How could you do that?" He watched as first a flash of pain crossed Obi-Wan's features and then a sneer.
"The Force wanted the Sith dead; I obeyed the will of the Force. If that meant I had to commit a few crimes or look the other way as crimes were being committed, so be it. As you say-- the Force knows best."
"You sound like you hate the Force?"
Obi-Wan laughed bitterly. "No, the Force hates me. I'm just going along for the ride."
Anakin shook his head trying to clear his mind of the all the repulsive images and negative emotions invoked by Obi-Wan's confession. Taking a deep breath he released these dark feelings into the Force before addressing his bond-mate again. "It doesn't change anything. What you said doesn't stop me from loving you and the bond is still here," he said, touching his chest. "I'm not going to run away or abandon you. I love you and want nothing more than to hold and heal you."
"Of course," Obi-Wan scoffed. "Because the Force wants you to feel that way. You think you escaped slavery when you were a child, but all you did was trade one form of slavery for another. We Jedi are enslaved by the Force and are taught to suppress our own desires in favor of the will of the Force."
"You only gain true freedom by giving up ego," Anakin responded vehemently.
"Spoken like a true Jedi. How do you know that, my young friend? Have you ever embraced your ego, your passion and just given in to every whim and hunger? That's freedom. There's nothing better. Sometimes you have no choice but to let go and succumb because there's nothing else for you to do. Sometimes it's not you that have abandoned the Force, but you who have been abandoned."
Anakin shook his head in disbelief, wondering how such an extraordinary man could lose his faith so completely. "You did what you had to do. You saved millions of lives and rid the galaxy of true evil."
Obi-Wan stood, threw the empty bottle far out into the ocean and looked into the blackness for answers. "No, I rid the galaxy of an organized group of evil-doers who had political aspirations. There is still evil in the galaxy, and I watched it being perpetrated and did nothing to stop it."
"We've all done that," Anakin said. "We can't free all the slaves; we can't save all the sick or starving. It's a lesson you learn when you are in the business of life and death. You make decisions that one person dies and another lives. That's why the Force is here for us; it eases our burden and reminds us that we are only its agents or conduits -- not divine beings."
Obi-Wan turned back to face Anakin. "Don't give me your Jedi platitudes. We are its fucking henchmen! We choose sides by not choosing sides; we choose one life over another by not taking a stand." Obi-Wan looked up into the dark sky and shook his head in disgust. "Anyway, the Force hasn't been with me for a long time. Fuck, I haven't been able to meditate or find my center since -- Qui-Gon. Now I can't even --." He looked down uneasily at Anakin and then back out to the blackness of the ocean. "Most of the time it's a shadow of what it was before."
Anakin focused on the troubled man in front of him. "I do know what you are feeling. I too felt abandoned by the Force and wanted nothing more than to die."
Obi-Wan swayed precariously on his feet then clumsily plopped down on his cloak that he'd spread out on the sand earlier and lay back. Peering up into the starry sky he wished it would stop spinning and silently prayed Anakin would take the hint and just leave him alone. Zephine had its quandaries; with it, he couldn't purge himself of the alcohol any more than he could purge himself of the bond without it. Anakin went on, "When I was liberated from slavery I thought all my dreams had come true. I was ready to leave my mom on Tatooine and would have gladly deserted her. Vic is the one that came up with a way to save her from slavery as well. He brought us here and gave her this house and found her a job at the Governor's mansion.
"It was wonderful learning about the Force and having it fill me up with its power and warmth. I felt like a god. I'm ashamed to say I stopped going to visit her on a regular basis. I was so wrapped up in this new life; I wanted to be like all the other initiates. I was ashamed that I had a mother. Vic would visit her and beg me to go with him, but I always found an excuse. When it was time for the mission to relocate to Nuemano, I was glad. I thought it would be easier to pretend she didn't exist. I loved her so much, but she just didn't fit in with my plan of being a Jedi. I visited her a few days every cycle, but I'm ashamed to admit that while I was here I spent most of the time playing with Yasha and the others.
"When it was time to leave Palodino, she came with a big basket of treats that probably took her a couple cycles to save up for. She cried and hugged me and I was so ashamed of her. She wanted to move with us, but I talked her into staying. I told her that she had a house and a livelihood and she needed to stay here and live her own life. I know I hurt her, but I wanted to be a Jedi more than anything."
Anakin paused, clearly lost in his own thoughts before he went on, his voice cracking slightly. "Two years later, she came down with Bola. She contacted Vic and told him she was dying and that she didn't want me to know. Vic finally told me a few days before she died and brought me back to visit her. We tended to her needs and relieved her pain, but that was all that could be done. I was so ashamed and missed her so much, I wanted to die. I decided that would be my punishment. I put myself into a trance and stopped eating or drinking. Vic begged me to wake and told me my mother wouldn't want this for me. I knew he was right, but that wasn't the point. I deserved it. I had mistreated my own mother and denied her existence to make it easier on myself, not caring about her feelings."
Anakin took a breath and brushed tears away. "Then one day I had this dream or what I know now must have been a vision. I saw her standing beside my bed and she smiled at me. She told me she was proud of me and that she was happy. I told her I wanted to go with her, that I was sorry for pushing her away. She just smiled and touched my cheek. She told me that I couldn't go with her because I was still needed here." Anakin hesitated and wiped his nose with his sleeve. Obi-Wan watched Anakin tell his story with tears flowing down his face, barely able to get the words out. Anakin didn't deserve to hurt like this. Obi-Wan wanted so badly to take him into his arms and take the pain away. He pulled himself up. "You were a child Anakin; a child who was put in a difficult situation and you handled it like a child. You would have realized this sooner or later and corrected your mistakes. You just didn't have enough time. Your dream or vision shows that your mother understood, as did Vic. She knew you loved her, even if you didn't act like it. I don't have a lot of experience with kids, but I think that's pretty normal behavior. You are judging yourself against what you as a Jedi or an adult should have done rather than what a child was capable of doing. Anyway you made the right choice: you were meant to be a Jedi --that was and is your purpose."
"No! There was more," he said softly, looking up excitedly before he continued. "She said that that there was another that needed me more than she did. She said I would know him when I saw him, and to love him as truly as I loved her. I thought my purpose or reason for living was to be a Jedi, but I was wrong. The moment I saw you, I remembered the rest of what she said and I knew my purpose was to love and cherish you. You are my reason. I know that as surely as I know that the sun will dawn tomorrow."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Haven't you heard anything I've said? I don't deserve or want to be loved or cherished. I don't have anything to give you. I'm empty. I have no love or passion left. Please just leave me alone. "
Anakin slid off the log he'd been sitting on and onto his knees just a few inches from Obi-Wan. "I don't care if you think you are undeserving or that you're no prize or that you believe you are going to ruin my life. I can't help it: I love you, and it's not because the Force has willed it. It's because I was born to love you. Everything that you are excites and resonates within me and nothing you say or do is going to change it. The Force isn`t just now making it happen; it only makes us aware of it. This attachment and attraction is occurring because we were made for each other." He reached out and touched Obi-Wan's cheek lovingly. "I admire you. I feel at home with you. I feel safe with you. I understand you. I would love you and find you even if I was Force-blind. I can't pretend I'm not unsettled and hurt by your transgressions, but I love you despite that or maybe because of it." Obi-Wan shook his head in defeat and fell back on the cloak. "Then you are a fool."
Anakin crawled forward until he was hovering over his bond-mate and looked down at the man he loved. "Yes, I am," he said as he bent down and kissed Obi-Wan tenderly, then whispered softly against his lips, "I love you, Obi-Wan Kenobi." With that Anakin lay down on top of the other man trapping him under his body and deepened the kiss.
Obi-Wan knew he should stop this, but the wine, the stars and the deep need inside of him was too much to resist. He opened his mouth and granted Anakin's tongue entry.
Chapter 9
The kisses turned more and more desperate until the two men were frantic for the feel of naked skin. They sat up clumsily, pulling off clothes in between open-mouthed kisses and bites to particularly appealing bits of skin that were being revealed when Obi-Wan abruptly pulled away. Fearing that he was being rejected once again, Anakin drew Obi-Wan roughly back into his arms and claimed his lips in a biting kiss leaving behind a taste of blood.
Obi-Wan gasped; even with the Zephine dulling his Force-sense, he could feel the darkness emanating from Anakin. He pushed back the memories of his first time with Qui-Gon when he'd sensed that same darkness and gently caressed the young man`s cheek. "Shhhh, it's okay. I just want to look at you," he said softly, soothing the anger away.
Anakin let the fear and anger go and relaxed into his lover's touch.
Obi-Wan gently pushed Anakin back on the cloak running his hands lovingly and appreciatively over the golden skin spread out before him, stopping to kiss especially enticing parts of his young lover.
By the time Obi-Wan reached his thighs, Anakin was trembling uncontrollably, knowing he'd die if his bond-mate didn't touch his erection right then. "Please," he moaned. "I need you. Please."
"You are so beautiful, so perfect," Obi-Wan whispered.
He then teasingly kissed the other thigh, to Anakin's very vocal frustration.
Seeing his lover's desperation, Obi-Wan licked the trembling tip of the boy's engorged penis, savoring the salty taste. He looked into Anakin's eyes and saw the sheer joy reflected there as the boy watched him slowly suck the long cock deep into his mouth. Anakin called out his name, never letting his eyes waver for a second, even when he bucked up frantically into the moist paradise of Obi-Wan's mouth.
"Oh, Sith" Anakin cried. If he'd been able to think or reason (or even breathe) he might have wondered where Obi-Wan had learned how to do that with his mouth and throat, but the only thought he could process was 'more'.
Their wait had been too long for the sex to be slow and sweet. Instead Obi-Wan settled for bringing Anakin to the edge of completion several times stretching out the ecstasy as long as either could stand. Wanting to make Anakin's first time special and loving, unlike his first time with Qui-Gon, the boy was allowed to come only after sobs of pleasure began to choke him.
Anakin woke to find his arms full of the most beautiful creature in the world. They had made their way back to the cottage some time in the night and made love again, with Obi-Wan showing him the pleasures of penetration. He'd always considered receiving someone into your body a scary proposition, until last night when Obi-Wan had slid into him and showed him that the initial pain was nothing compared to the ecstasy of having his lover expertly stroke that glorious spot inside. He remembered holding Obi-Wan in his arms right before he drifted off into a sated oblivion and thinking sadly that he'd be alone again come morning.
He was therefore elated to find his bond-mate still in his bed and arms. Obi-Wan had proven to be a surprisingly gentle lover who had taken the time to make the first taking as sweet as Anakin had ever dreamed of it being. He couldn't help the silly smile that spread across his face. He was no longer a virgin. He had been claimed by his mate and then he had been thoroughly and decisively loved like no one had ever been before. He kissed the skin he found pressed against his lips upon waking and whispered "I love you," in Obi-Wan's ear.
Obi-Wan murmured in his sleep and turned his head away. Anakin's kisses trailed down his lover's neck and chest halting to circle each nipple with the tip of his tongue and then sucking each one into his mouth. As Obi-Wan's eyes opened sleepily, Anakin's hand sought out his lover's half-hard member and began a gentle massage until the impressive penis filled completely.
Anakin eagerly rose up on his knees and straddled Obi-Wan's hips. His bond-mate's passion-darkened eyes followed his every movement, but his body remained completely still as Anakin leaned forward and used his free hand to guide the large penis to his body's entrance,then slowly leaned back letting it fill him inch by inch.
Though still loose from a few hours ago, the initial penetration burned sharply, but soon gave way to a heady pleasure that swept through him like a warm erotic wave. His head fell back and he moaned from deep in his belly. Nothing had ever felt this good or seemed so right. He opened his eyes as he felt Obi-Wan's hands clench tightly around his hips and guided him into an ancient rhythm of thrust and withdraw. He watched as Obi-Wan's eyes fell halfway shut and his head turned from side to side, his own elation growing at the thought that he could bring his beloved pleasure.
Anakin was soon overcome by all the wonderful erotic feelings enveloping him. He wanted more. He wanted to be filled up in every way possible by his bond-mate. He eagerly reached out for the bond and was stunned to find himself still completely and utterly locked out of Obi-Wan's mind. He understood that making love didn't automatically make everything all right, but he couldn't help but be disappointed by Obi-Wan's continued resistance. It will take time, he told himself. Obi-Wan would learn to trust him. It would take love and devotion on his part and he had so much of that to give to this man. But for now he'd have to content himself with the incredible joy of making love and sharing a life with the man who was the other part of his soul.
Obi-Wan abruptly shifted his hips to a new angle, as if wanting to divert his bond-mate from reaching for the bond again. It worked, as suddenly all thoughts regarding the bond were pushed out of Anakin's mind by the incredible sensations that overtook him when the other man's penis stroked against his prostate.
Anakin moaned loudly then cried, "Sith," when Obi-Wan's callused hand stroked over the tip of his erection spreading the slick pre-come up and down his penis. Anakin tried to hold back the crest of passion for as long as he could, but finally succumbed when a flash of ecstasy streaked through his core to shoot out its hot wetness through the slit that Obi-Wan's fingers were torturing.
Anakin melted on top of his bond-mate, but soon found himself being flipped over and his hips being pulled back against Obi-Wan's groin as the man's still hard shaft slid back into Anakin until it was fully sheathed inside. Obi-Wan began a hard rhythm as he pistoned wildly in and out hitting the prostate with each thrust. Anakin never knew such pleasure was possible and keened loudly as, to his great surprise, he hardened again and found release quicker than he thought was possible, pulling his bond mate over the edge with him.
That morning had been the start of what Anakin would come to think of as the most beautiful and happy period of his life. He and Obi-Wan settled into a routine of sorts: Anakin going to the clinic and Obi- Wan working on what was being termed the Taiga Agreement. Though they seldom saw each other during the day, their nights were reserved for spending time together, whether talking quietly over dinner or walking on the beach, but always inevitably making love.
The dasi had gone well and the agreement had been signed by the end of their second cycle on Palodino. After that, Obi-Wan concentrated on enforcing the quarantine by creating a small security force made up of both Payans and Nisi that primarily concerned itself with restricting traffic between districts to only necessary business and to those citizens who had been determined medically healthy. The Palodinians had never needed any type of policing of their citizens before and found the concept strange. However, once committed to the quarantine, they followed the rules unerringly.
Anakin trained over fifty medical aides to give the immunizations and diagnose the symptoms of the Taiga virus. When a possible new case was identified, he would personally travel to the location and determine if it was indeed Taiga and if so, admit them into the clinic. By the end of the third cycle there had been no new cases and Anakin was both pleased and sad to see their mission nearing completion.
Anakin woke first that morning as he normally did and kissed the delectable spot of skin below Obi-Wan's ear. He chuckled silently realizing they had already settled into a sleeping pattern. Obi-Wan slept on the left side of the bed and Anakin on the right. He always spooned behind Obi-Wan, mostly because he usually topped. He'd discovered he liked to dominate in bed and Obi-Wan seemed to prefer to let him.
He began rocking his morning erection slowly against Obi-Wan's bottom, but when his mate didn't show signs of waking he wondered if he could bring Obi-Wan off without waking him. Anakin would much rather have the full attention of his lover, who could do those wondrous tricks that never failed to push Anakin into another realm of pleasure. Though he was still somewhat bothered by his bond-mate's vast sexual experience, he had to admit that experience did have its advantages.
Awake or asleep, he was desperate to bury his cock in Obi-Wan now. He pulled his bond-mate tightly against him and gently pushed two fingers into Obi-Wan's still slick entrance. He began thrusting into that sweet heat, scissoring his fingers to stretch the passage, moaning with an intense need that touching Obi-Wan never failed to arouse.
Obi-Wan's hips thrust back and the half-awake man keened softly. Anakin smiled; even asleep his bond-mate was always ready for more.
Just then, his com unit buzzed. Damn. He wondered if he could get away with ignoring it for another hour. Reluctantly, he pulled away from his lover and reached for the com. "Yes?"
"Knight Skywalker?" a deep voice demanded.
"Yes, this is Knight Skywalker."
"This is Master Mace Windu. I need to speak to Obi-Wan, but he's not answering his com unit."
"Yes Sir, he's right here," Anakin answered nervously, his erection almost completely deflated by hearing the councilor's voice.
Obi-Wan was stretching and sitting up when Anakin handed him the com. "Mace, what's up?" Obi-Wan asked in the midst of a yawn.
Anakin could hear Mace clearly and watched anxiously as Obi-Wan spoke to the High Councilor.
"Did I wake you?" Mace asked with what sounded like amusement.
"Yes, it's early morning here. What did you need Mace?" Obi-Wan responded, pointedly ignoring the other man`s amusement at his whereabouts.
"Just wanted to let you know that Toyin and I are on our way there. It's been three cycles and we need to assess the bond," Mace explained. "I believe the mission is complete?"
Obi-Wan didn't speak at first and rubbed his face in apparent agitation. "Why are you bringing Toyin?"
"You know that a soul and mind healer is needed for the assessment of life bonds. Besides, you are overdue for a check up by her."
"No, it's not needed, Mace. I'm fine, the bond is fine. That should be enough for you." Obi-Wan shifted his eyes abruptly, obviously uncomfortable at Anakin's attention to the conversation. He turned back to his com unit and,lowering his voice, said,"Anakin and I are doing just fine. You said six cycles."
Anakin watched uneasily as his bond-mate got increasingly upset. Now he was sitting on the edge of the bed clasping the com unit to his ear in a white-knuckled grip. Through their many conversations, he'd come to understand that Obi-Wan hated and feared soul healers more than he had the Sith. Though the man had offered minimal details in their discussions, he knew that for nine cycles Obi-Wan had been locked up, analyzed, medicated and had the Force stolen from him, all in the name of supposedly healing a very severe case of psychic shock - perhaps more. From what Anakin could see, the mere mention of the soul healer was aggravating Obi-Wan.
Obi-Wan stood and began pacing. "No, Mace, no mind healers. You didn't say anything about that before. You just said that you or Yoda would assess the bond."
"Calm down, Obi-Wan. Your behavior is proof enough of why Toyin needs to examine you."
Obi-Wan threw the com unit down on the bed and rushed out of the room.
Anakin was half way after him when he heard the fresher start. He hesitated, then walked back to the bed deciding to give his bond-mate time to compose himself. He picked up the discarded com unit then calmed himself before he spoke, "Master Windu --."
"Anakin, put Obi-Wan on." Mace demanded, cutting Anakin off tersely.
"He's in the fresher. Master Windu, with all due respect you need to give Knight Kenobi more time. He doesn't want to see Toyin right now. I think it would be best to give him more time to adapt to the bond and then I'll talk him into getting examined -- by someone else."
"Anakin, you have no idea what you are dealing with. Just keep him there until we arrive. The fact that he's so opposed to Toyin examining him proves he's hiding something. He may try to run, so don't let him leave."
Anakin shut off the com unit, angry at the councilor's self-righteous and condescending attitude. Obi-Wan had been fine. The last two cycles had been the happiest of his life and now Mace Windu and the Council get involved and he's told that his bond-mate could run away, leave him. He wasn't going to let that happen. If it meant he left with Obi-Wan to avoid the mind healer, then so be it. They could work this out. He could fix this problem, whatever it was. All Obi-Wan needed was love and understanding and patience. After finally gaining Obi-Wan's trust, Anakin wasn't going to let the bond be compromised. He would not lose Obi-Wan -- no matter what.
Just then Obi-Wan walked out of the fresher dressed in leather pants and a faded undershirt. Obi-Wan looked at Anakin and then quickly walked to his bedroom.
"Why are you dressed like that?" Anakin asked nervously, already knowing the answer.
"I'm leaving. I'm not going through that again. All they want is to poke around in my head and confuse me," Obi-Wan said angrily, throwing clothing into his back-pack.
Anakin grabbed his arm. "I'm going with you."
Obi-Wan shook his head. "Don't be stupid. You're a Jedi. We had a good time and it was great, but it's over. I wanted more time too, but they're here so I've got to leave."
"Why do you have to leave? Besides you're a Jedi too?"
"No, I can't be that anymore. I've got to leave. My time is up. They're going to look in my head and see it all. They'll know what I've done and it'll be over." Obi-Wan rushed to the fresher and began throwing his personal items into the pack as well.
Anakin followed him. "Fine, then we'll go together. I don't want to be a Jedi either. I want to be with you."
Obi-Wan shook his head as he hurried back to his bedroom with Anakin following closely behind him. He opened the closet and took down the holstered blaster he'd worn when Anakin first saw him in the alleyway and buckled it around his waist. He then reached for a gray toned box, which he opened hurriedly revealing a syringe and large vial. "This is called Zephine: it suppresses the Force. Tell Toyin to give you what's left. It'll knock you out for the first couple of days, but you should be able to lessen the dose after that. He took the readied syringe out and stuck himself with practiced ease. The bond is complete, but I've suppressed it. The Zephine will suppress your side enough to make it bearable until it goes dormant."
Anakin watched all of this with a sense of shock and disbelief. Obi- Wan had been suppressing the bond? He'd never meant to stay. The lovemaking, the long talks, the deepening relationship that he'd believed in with all his heart had been nothing but a farce. Obi-Wan had been stringing him along all this time with no intention of letting the bond stand.
"Do you feel anything for me?" Anakin asked, hating the whine in his voice.
Obi-Wan stared at his young lover and saw the boy`s heart breaking. He'd been cruel by taking the love Anakin offered, knowing that he was unable to return it. But that`s what the darkness did to a person -- made them cruel and selfish. "I told you, I have nothing to give you. I don't feel anything for anybody, not even myself."
Anakin reached out and grabbed Obi-Wan's arm. "You're not leaving, Master Windu said --."
"Fuck Mace!" Obi-Wan yelled, then scowled at the hand that held his arm. Putting his other hand on his blaster, he looked up at his lover's face. "Don't make me, Anakin."
Anakin felt as if his world had just collapsed around him. He couldn't believe Obi-Wan had just threatened him. He knew then that Mace was right; he hadn't understood what he was dealing with. Obi-Wan was more than just angry and lonely. The psychic shock and perhaps other psychological issues had never been completely dealt with and it had left lasting scars; like this paranoia and darkness. However, no matter how much he'd underestimated the problem, it was still his duty to keep his bond-mate here and make sure that he got the help he needed.
Obi-Wan pulled his arm free from Anakin's grip as he fiercely pushed his bond-mate away from him, then dashed outside. Anakin recovered quickly and ran after him. Obi-Wan was opening the door to the skimmer when Anakin reached the porch.
"Stop!" Anakin demanded.
"Let it go, Anakin," Obi-Wan yelled back.
"I can help you," Anakin pleaded. "Trust me. I love you."
Obi-Wan shook his head and looked up at Anakin. "I don't love you. I never did."
An anger borne out of desperation and hurt coalesced around Anakin. He reached out with this dark Force and held his mate against the side of the skimmer. Obi-Wan struggled furiously, but was helpless without the Force at his command. Anakin kept his hold tight rushing quickly to his bond-mate.
"Fuck you, let me go. Fuck you!!!" Obi-Wan shrieked with wild rage, tears of frustration running down his face. Panic quickly evolved into terror as Obi-Wan realized that he was trapped. Anakin wasn't going to release him until Toyin and Mace arrived. He couldn't let that happen. "I'm not going back."
Seeing Obi-Wan almost crazed with fear siphoned off the last of Anakin`s anger. "You're going to hurt yourself," he pleaded. "Please stop fighting."
"I hate you. I hate the Jedi. Let me go. You have no right to hold me here!" Obi-Wan screamed, banging his head against the skimmer door. Anakin tightened his grip within the Force; suddenly horrified by what he was seeing.
Obi-Wan stopped fighting the Force-restraints and began sobbing uncontrollably. "Please Anakin. Make it stop. Make it go away."
Anakin couldn't resist pulling his lover into his arms, holding him protectively against his chest as he sent pulses of healing energy into his mind. "Shhhh, my love, don't cry," he whispered,tears sliding down his cheeks, falling onto Obi-Wan's cradled head. "It's going to be okay."
"It hurts. My mind hurts so bad. Please. Help me Anakin," Obi-Wan begged.
Anakin was suddenly terrified; perhaps there was something else wrong. He quickly loosened his Force-grip on Obi-Wan, needing to touch his bond-mate's temples to make sure he wasn't in any physical danger.
As soon as his Force-hold loosened, Obi-Wan dropped his hand to his blaster and looked up into Anakin's eyes sadly. Anakin tensed and waited for the blaster shot to hit, but still wasn't prepared for the pain when it exploded in his chest and his heart.
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