Archive: Yes to Master_Apprentice Archive and OKEB Archive
(Thanks sockii and Pamela)
Series/Sequel: ?
Categories: Angst, Point of View
Other website: http://members.tripod.com/ssfdu/
Disclaimers: All hail George! Then boo at him behind his back
for what he did to Qui-Gon. Don't own them...sigh Not
making money from it...sigh
Notes: As always thanks to Karen, without her I doubt I'd be
writing, also without her I would probably be less of a person.
Thanks to her and Sarah for encouragement and Sarah for the
title. Love and hugs to both of them. This is my first attempt
at writing Q/O and most of it was written after only seeing the
movie once so please excuse any inaccuracies in the sequence of
events or descriptions. Comments and suggestions happily
received at the above address.
Summary: Obi-Wan's thoughts on the death of his Master.
He is dead.
Qui-Gon Jinn...my Master...is dead.
And a part of me died with him.
As I watched the flickering flames of the pyre, my mind drew in
on itself, searching desperately for a calm, safe and painless
place.
I know at one point I turned and spoke with Anakin, but I have
no recollection of what was said.
Time passed slowly and the flames grew even brighter, dancing
strains of red intertwined with orange, yellow and white at the
core.
I concentrated and became lost in the flames, even as I sensed
the others leaving.
No one approached me and for that I was grateful.
I kept a tight rein on my emotions until I was sure that Master
Windu and the others were far enough away and then I began to
scream.
Scream, cry and howl with a mixture of despair, grief and
helpless rage.
But only in my mind.
Until that time, when I had cradled him in my arms and he had
tenderly caressed my cheek, I had never believed that a heart
could break.
Not only break but shatter into a million pieces.
I replayed those last terrible moments over and over in my
mind, trying to see if there was something I could have done
differently, something that would have prevented my Master's
death.
But I couldn't find anything.
That thought should have offered a small measure of comfort,
but if it did I couldn't feel it.
Every time I closed my eyes I saw it again, heard my anguished
cry as my beloved Master fell and felt the anger turn to hate
when the Sith looked at me and sneered in triumph.
For the first time in my life, if only briefly, I hated
something.
And the hate made me feel strong.
For a few moments I considered giving into it, but I saw my
Master lying on the floor and knew I couldn't dishonour him by
forgetting all that he had taught me.
So I took a deep breath and banished the hate.
The forcefield finally opened and I attacked.
We fought and our skills were fairly evenly matched, neither of
us showing any weakness.
The fight became unfocused in my mind, lightsabers clashing,
the blur of furious motion and then somehow I was pushed and
fell into the shaft, managing to get a grip on a some sort of
fixture protruding out of the wall.
I watched as my lightsaber soon followed me down the shaft and
then, as I looked up into the demon-like face of the Sith, I
felt something, a kind of compulsion.
The memories are clouded, but I remembered my Master's
lightsaber and concentrated, calling it to me and then I was
flying out of the shaft, spinning and catching it mid air, to
land and once more face the Sith.
The look of surprise on his face soon turned to shocked
disbelief as, with a final swing of my lightsaber, I slashed
him across the chest, sending him hurtling down the shaft to
his death.
I ran to my Master's side and fell to my knees, lifted his
shoulders and cradled his head against me.
I couldn't speak except to whisper, "Master?"
He opened his eyes and gazed up at me. They were clear of pain,
but filled with sadness and the certainty of his death.
His voice husky, he told me it was too late and then he made me
promise to train the boy.
He reached up and tenderly ran his fingers across my cheek,
wiping away the few tears that I couldn't contain, and it was
then I knew my heart was breaking.
At that moment I finally felt his love for me.
Something I had wanted for years, but I had never approached
the subject, thinking that I would have plenty of time with
him, even knowing how dangerous our lives were.
And for a few more precious seconds he looked up at me, his
emotions no longer shielded and then the breath hitched in his
throat and he slumped back in my arms.
My mind gave an anguished cry as I relived that moment again
and the tears began to fall.
My knees buckled and I slid to the ground beside the pyre, my
face held in my hands as I sobbed like the young boy I once was
who was made to leave his parents and all he held dear.
I don't know how long I sat there, rocking slightly before I
felt the briefest of contact with my mind.
I ignored it at first, believing that I was imagining things,
until I felt it again, stronger this time. A soothing presence
that poured calm into my anguished soul.
I knew that touch. I had felt it hundreds, no thousands of
times before when I was troubled during my training.
It was my Master, but my master was dead.
And then I felt it.
A touch as soft as the wings of a flutterby against my cheek.
I didn't want to open my eyes, knowing that the space before me
would be empty.
Another touch, this time trailed across the hands cupping my
face.
My mind wanted to ignore it, but my heart cried out for me to
open my eyes.
My Master had told me once to always follow my heart.
I slowly lowered my hands and opened my eyes, blinking at the
brightness of the flames after the darkness.
Nothing.
My breath caught in my throat and the tears began to fall
harder.
Could it possibly hurt any more?
A soft breeze tugged at my hood and I slipped it back and
looked up towards the night sky.
I blinked, then blinked again trying to clear my vision.
The air in front of me shimmered slightly, changing, almost
appearing solid in places. A pale blue glow formed ever so
slowly becoming brighter. I felt the touch again against my
cheek and then one against my forehead, but it was different,
somehow more intimate.
I watched, stunned but not afraid as the random pattern of blue
sparkles coalesced into a recognisable pattern.
A hand.
And then I heard his voice.
"Don't cry my Padawan."
I couldn't help it. I cried even harder. If this was a trick of
my mind, then it was the cruelest of tricks.
"I promise you, my Padawan. It is no trick."
"Ma..Master?" I asked hesitantly.
Another wave of calm and warmth washed over me, partially
drying my tears.
"Yes, my Padawan."
And before my eyes he appeared. His beloved features forming
only inches from my own face.
"But...how...why?" I asked.
He chuckled and it looked like he was fighting a small smile.
"Always with the questions, my Padawan. Do you have to have an
explanation for everything?"
I gave him a rueful smile in reply. It was an old argument.
"The how and why do not matter, only that I am here. I could
not leave you so tormented with guilt and grief," he told me,
the half-smile disappearing as quickly as it appeared.
I reached out, feeling a desperate need to touch him, but my
hand just passed right through him.
I stifled a small sob at being denied the comfort of his touch.
He smiled sadly and reached for me, his forehead lined with
concentration.
I felt him, his hand warm against my cheek, more solid than the
earlier small brushes against me.
"Padawan, do not grieve for me, it will consume you."
"How can I not grieve for you, Master? How can I not grieve for
the man that I have been with for so long, who taught me and
became father and brother, the man I eventually came to love,"
I whispered, my voice growing stronger with each word.
"Follow your own advice my Padawan" He told me.
"What advice was that Master?" I asked confused.
"You told young Anakin when he said he missed me that I was now
one with the force and that he had to let me go."
"But Master I can't. I already feel so empty inside. If I let
you go what would be left of me?"
"The force, young Padawan. Let it fill you up and know that you
will never be alone as long as a small part of me resides in
your heart."
"Always Master, I love you."
"I know young Padawan, and I you."
Another feather-light brush against my cheek and I closed my
eyes, imagining that it was actually my Master here touching me
and not just his spirit.
"I must go now, my Padawan," he told me, regret lacing his
voice.
"No Master, please! Don't leave me again, I beg you. " I
pleaded with him as the tears once more began to fall.
"I cannot stay here, my Padawan." The regret even more
pronounced.
"Why? Why can't you stay?" I questioned.
"You know why, Padawan," he chided me gently. "Our paths no
longer follow the same course, but someday they will merge
again and we will follow it together."
Resigned, I murmured, "I will wait for that day then."
"Now Padawan, let go of your grief and despair, concentrate on
the force and let it cleanse you of these emotions. Do not
dwell on my death, but on my life...our life together."
"I will miss you, Master," I told him, as I closed my eyes and
concentrated on the force.
"I know, my Padawan," he replied softly.
I relaxed and gave into the force, letting it envelope me in
its calming light. I looked within myself and found the last
vestiges of my rage and let it go. I found my despair and let
it go and then finally my grief.
I still felt a great sadness but instead of the expected
emptiness my heart filled itself with memories, now that it was
no longer weighed down.
"Obi-Wan."
My head jerked back slightly in surprise and I opened my eyes.
It was rare for my Master to address me by my name and those
moments were usually treasured.
"Qui-Gon."
He smiled at my slight impertinence, and I couldn't help
smiling back.
"There are no goodbyes my Padawan, only promises of another
time, another place."
I nodded. I had not looked forward to saying goodbye.
"Train the boy and follow the path the force has chosen for
you."
"Yes Master."
I watched as he drew closer until hardly any space was between
us.
I refused to shut my eyes, desperate to see his face for as
long as I could.
Warm moist lips against mine.
Gentle, almost reverent.
I sighed and parted my lips, inviting him to deepen the
contact...which he did.
Our souls merged for the briefest of times, our feelings no
longer held back.
An eternity or a few mere seconds later he drew back, both of
us smiling, but with tears in our eyes.
"I will see you again my Padawan. Trust in the force and let it
guide you. I will always be with you in your heart and if you
need me, I'll be there. Until we meet again, Obi-Wan Kenobi.
May the force be with you," he told me as he slowly faded from
my sight.
When I could no longer see him, I reached up and felt my lips
where we had been joined. His warmth remained.
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