Twilight to Knight

by Laura McEwan (padawan_laura@yahoo.com)

Archive: Yes M_A Archive and my own LJ http://www.livejournal.com/users/lauramcewan/
Category: Angst, POV, Q/O, Romance
Rating: R
Warnings: Mild sexual fantasy
Spoilers: None
Summary: Becoming a Knight means that the Master/Padawan relationship rules no longer apply.
Feedback: Yes please, thru mail or on the LiveJournal post of the story.
Thank you Hippediva for the most excellent beta and title! You broke the wall down and it flowed on out.

It's early evening, and the sun outside the windows of the Council chamber is setting in gorgeous shades of oranges and reds. The ornate walls softly reflect their glow, and I take a deep breath, and hold myself still, as is expected of me. But my thoughts...they wander.

You adopt the same stance; patient, calm. Traditional Jedi robes softly drape your shoulders; hiding hands clasped in reverence; covering the graceful, strong body I've grown to love, and I haven't ever even touched you. For all your lean lines and angles, I know I will find your hidden, softer spots waiting for me. Find them, I will. I will tease them out, lick them, taste them, mark them as mine and find yet more.

You don't suspect my secrets, my sighs. You don't even guess that I have such a lustful, needy thought about anyone, much less you.

Do you?

The friendly affection between us is obvious enough. We love each other. It's part of the simple bond we share as companions; teacher, student. You don't realize that what is killing me so slowly and softly inside is that I'm in love with you. Twelve years of existing daily with you has become a deep need to exist within you.

While my head is bowed, I glance at you through lowered lashes, as I've done so many times. I know just how you hold your mouth when you're buckling your boots; I know the sound of your bare feet padding from the 'fresher to your room, the slight rustle of the towel around your hips. I can smell the water evaporating from your shoulders, the scent of your freshly washed hair. We have been forced to share intimate space so often in our time together that there is no need for false modesty between us.

I want to know if the texture of your skin on my tongue is the same as it looks to my eyes.

Would you be shocked, surprised, if I told you that I've purposely finished my meditations early so that I can bask in watching your meditative self, in such golden peaceful serenity, at one with the Force? You have no idea how simply beautiful you are. Gentle, graceful, calm, confident. I want to kneel before you, rest my hands on your waist, claim you, hold you, and make you mine. My complete, shameless and abandoned love for you is what defines me the most. Your presence in my life is pure, and right, and true, and without you, I will surely die.

In my dreams, waking and sleeping, I can feel your body move beneath my hands as I pull you close, delighting in the warmth and scent and very being of you, urging you to join with me. I want to see your face when - if - that happens. I want to see you love me with your eyes while I love you with my body. I will lead you to the edge of ecstasy, knowing that with every deep stroke, I am swept along with you. With every gasp and murmur, we entwine our minds and selves until we become one, climbing to the crest, until the wave of passion crashes over us and we find ourselves exhausted in each others' arms, caressing and loving with fingertips and lips, soft words and gentle kisses.

I take another deep, silent breath, trying to settle myself again.

The sun is dipping ever lower, clouds radiating with golden red hues that pale in comparison to the vision of you bathed in them. Your skin glows with a sweet fire, as if set aflame by your spirit, your essence, your soul. It seems the very reflection of my feelings for you, hot and deep, and I want to step into your space, wrap our bodies in its heat, hold you to my heart.

My longing has burned, smoldered, and I am surprised you haven't noticed. You usually notice everything I do and say. I can't believe that you haven't heard me in my room, stroking myself to completion, reaching a release that is only bittersweet because while it's your name on my lips and your face behind my closed eyes, you are only a wall away, innocently sleeping or reading or meditating. You're never with me and I so want you there. I NEED you there.

Why haven't you noticed? HOW haven't you noticed?

Have you ever loved someone the way I do you? If you allowed me to search hard enough, who would I see reflected in your eyes? Perhaps I would find that secret lover who touched you somehow; helped shape the person you've become, so much that he or she is a permanent part of your being, one who could point to some aspect of you and lay claim to its creation.

Force, to be that reflection.

If you were to search within my eyes, it would be you mirrored there - the brightly shining truth in this matter of my love.

What part of me would you wish to claim? So much of who I am came from the Living Force of you.

I've been covertly admiring your calm reverence and patience during this knighting ceremony, the culmination of a Master/Padawan relationship. Together, the goal of a Knighthood is reached, as the pair has shared the pains and the rewards of peacekeeping.

This particular ceremony deserves more attention than that which I've so weakly given it.

I'll admit, my distractions have been sweet.

Now, it's nearly done. A cut of the braid...and a new knight is presented. Feelings of pride and joy fill the chamber, and the invisible barriers of Code and propriety are between us no more.

Formalities now complete, we share holding a red-gold padawan braid in our hands, beads woven within it marking the passage of our time together. We share a long look, and gently, I search your eyes, hoping to discern your feelings as our training bond has been severed along with the braid. Are you pleased? Proud?

Will you allow a new bond to grow between us?

I search for that elusive reflection, and I promise myself that tonight, I will tell you. Tonight, I'll lay myself bare before you, confessing everything I've dreamed and longed for over the last few years.

I want to find those hidden soft spots within the lean lines and angles that define the physical you. I want to discover the soft smell of your hair, the gentle silk of your lips, taste the sweetness of your mouth. I want our inner selves to become one soul, brilliant in its passion, glowing in its purity.

Dare I hope that you might share my desires? Or will you compassionately let me down, or be shocked that I could even suggest...?

I find myself swallowing hard, not wanting to believe that you could say no.

Gently, I search your eyes, sure that my own betray me.

The waning sun rests its final rays across your face, highlighting those eyes with a last fiery flare, its dying moment revealing to me the very reflection I yearn for.

Me. Only me.

And you smile.