Warnings: Angst; Jedi Apprentice series spoilers, minor TPM
spoilers
Summary: Qui-Gon thinks about Obi-Wan's place in his life.
First-person, introspective.
Feedback: Okay, this is my first time to write a TPM fic on my
own, so please let me know what you think.
Notes: There could be implied slash here, I think it depends on
how you read it. Either way doesn't bother me. :-)
Disclaimer: Um, I won them playing sabbacc? Didn't think so.
Dang it. Okay, great George, they are yours. But I like the way
we play with them better at times. Meesa maka no monies.
I never wanted to need another. Needing someone leaves you open
for too many kinds of pain and distraction. My young
apprentice, Xanatos, drove that point home to me in ways I
could have never have imagined before.
Now, years after finally accepting another apprentice into my
life, I find myself shaken with the idea of truly needing
another - and what that means to both of those involved.
I never wanted another Padawan. I took great pains to ensure
everyone knew this. Including and especially young Obi-Wan
Kenobi. To think of my harsh dismissal of the talented student
gives me pause, even after so much time.
It took a great act of nobility on Obi-Wan's part for me to
admit to my mind, what my heart had been trying to make me see.
That sometimes you must face the very thing you dread most to
move past it, and be better for it. The unassuming offer of
sacrifice of one too young showed me that.
Although I was to be the teacher, it was he who instructed me.
He who opened my eyes to the necessity to allow others inside
my heart. To need and be needed. In a boy, I found a wisdom
that seemed to surpass my own.
It was a most precious trust that he extended unto me. Even
after my initial rejection, he looked to me as Master without
question. As I looked to the boy I felt as a son, for proof
that there was more to life than my stoic solitude.
From something I did not want, something I would not let myself
need, grew the single greatest thing in my life. This man, this
legacy I will one day leave behind.
Fear is a path to the dark side. This we are often told, no
matter our level of skill or training. Yet, when it is late, I
do sometimes feel a surge of fear. Not for Obi-Wan; I can sense
the great Jedi he will become. No, I fear that I might fail him
or disappoint him and the trust he placed in me. Yet, he would
always deny me this fear and release it from me.
These thoughts weigh heavily on me now. Sitting in silence on
the Nubian cruiser, I seek solace from the Force that surrounds
us. Obi-Wan is asleep, tangled up in the sheets as always. The
innocence of that young boy who opened my heart is written on
his features. Only the fitful movements in dreams belays his
anxiety.
Tonight my fear returns. I am haunted by the look in his eyes
as I spoke to the Council of my intent to train Ani. The
emotions he sought to bury were nevertheless laid open for my
witness. The very trust that had brightened my soul seemed to
snap in that moment.
My own actions and stubborn defiance would appear to have
reinforced my need of his faith in me; while at the same time
caused him to push his own need of me away.
I look at him and see the pain I have wrought on the one who
wanted nothing more than to love me. As a mentor, a Master, a
man and a friend. Each of these I feel I've betrayed. Anakin
must be trained, of this I have no doubt. Somehow I neglected
to see the price we would both pay as a consequence.
Obi-Wan moves restlessly, lost in dreams. I reach out through
the Force, sending waves of comfort to him. It is a comfort to
me that in sleep, at least, he does not recoil from my touch.
It is a small victory, but a victory nonetheless.
I never wanted to need anyone in any way. I thought myself
whole only when alone. Yet now I can see how much was gained by
allowing myself that need. How incomplete I truly was. The best
I am, is in him. Of this I am certain.
Through him I learned a spirit can be free and a heart may
truly soar. All from the simple act of opening a stubborn man's
eyes to the truth. That we all need to need and be needed by
another.
Standing from where I had been attempting to meditate, I walk
over to where he sleeps. Gently, I untangle his braid from the
covers, smoothing the frayed ends. I promise myself that I will
make this slight up to him.
But first we have a duty to the Queen, and to Naboo. Again I
extend a blanket of calm around my devoted Apprentice, sensing
as his dreams calm. Then I too lay down for the night, our arms
close but not quite touching.
We will speak of this soon enough, Obi-Wan and I. But in the
morning, we must prepare for the battle that will await us on
Naboo. When the time is right I will speak to you of this, my
Padawan. And then I will thank you.
End
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