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There Is No Passion - continued

(continued from part 5)

Garen's master, Alana S'm, arrived only minutes after our padawans left for the healers' dome. She was on her way back to her quarters from teaching the initiates and stopped to ask about the trial. I am glad for her company and invite her to stay to share the evening meal with us. We have a pleasant conversation and I manage to mask my concern for Obi-Wan as she helps me prepare the meal.

Our padawans arrive nearly an hour later. Obi-Wan is first to enter and dips his head on seeing me. Alana pretends not to notice and steps forward to greet him and then Garen as he comes into the room.

We sit at the table and as we all converse about ordinary things, I watch Obi-Wan. His hand is completely healed, but my eyes do not settle there. I have always found him beautiful. Even as a boy he had a light that drew me to him. No, I did not desire him then. I saw only potential and a compatibility that would ensure we'd make a good team. But as the years went by and he grew into a young man, we became friends and I found myself falling in love. I denied it heartily, feeling foolish that a man of my age could fall for one so young. Eventually Mace and Yoda confronted me about my feelings. Though I hid them well from Obi-Wan, my closest friends noticed the change when I spoke of him. They understood, even condoned my love for my apprentice, but warned me to wait and reminded me of the Code.

Though I was careful to hide my feelings from Obi-Wan, I never acted coolly to him. We shared a healthy comradeship, and in the last two years I searched for signs of love from him, too. Even though I suspected as much, the Code forbade me from asking him, from checking my suspicions. And I pushed him away. To guard against any temptation I allowed Obi-Wan personal freedoms at which most masters would raise an eyebrow. I permitted him to freely come and go from the Temple so long as his training and studies did not suffer. It was a selfish thing for me to do, selfish to push him into another's arms when it should have been my arms keeping him safe and warm, and loving him.

My mind races back to just an hour ago when he injured himself and shrank from my touch. It would seem I have pushed too hard. Then and now. His rejection makes me feel as if I am being sucked into a great, black void in space--a place where there is nothing but me, whooshing through cold, airless space... on and on and on. Have I lost you, Obi-Wan? The fact that he does not return my gaze tells me that it is so.

The next morning, Obi-Wan is gone from our quarters when I wake. Though this is not his usual routine I am unconcerned since we are scheduled to spar at 0900 hours. It will be the first time we have tested our skills as a team since before this ordeal began. We have both been practicing individually and with others. Now we must become attuned to one another again before we go out on missions.

I shower, dress and eat a light breakfast, but just as I am about to leave the door chimes. It is Master Cl'ta.

"I couldn't sleep last night," she says as she enters the common room after greeting me good morning.

"Obi-Wan?"

"Yes. Until now I had no reason to break his confidence and speak with you... but now I must. I believe he injured himself intentionally yesterday."

"What?"

"Believe me, Qui-Gon. That's not an easy accusation to make."

"They why do you make it? It's not like him to self-inflict wounds."

"Would you be terribly upset if I told you I used my position as Obi-Wan's counselor to get a transcript of the trial proceedings?"

"No, of course not. Please sit down and tell me what you've found."

We sit next to each other on the sofa.

"In all our sessions together, Obi-Wan never mentioned the two of you having sex. He did, however, go into great detail about his relationship with Olan and his time on Munto Codru. But now I realize that was merely to keep me pre-occupied and off the real source of his troubles."

"Perhaps he was embarrassed to tell you."

She smiles indulgently. "Had he not been used, tortured and raped, and put on exhibition, I might agree with you. No, Qui-Gon, I believe he is very confused about what happened between you."

My heart is heavy. "We spoke about it. I made a point of telling him that I love him and I was glad it happened, though it was not what I would have wanted for our first time."

Cl'ta nods and puts her hand over mine. "It's good you told him this, Qui-Gon, but despite your love he feels alone. He told me as much."

"I don't understand. I have given him my support and he spends a great deal of time with Garen..." Have I isolated him somehow? Am I not watching out for his needs as I should?

"When I saw him yesterday in the healers' dome he was very calm," she explains. Her eyes drift across the room and it seems as if she is putting the pieces together. "The last session we had together he was also calm. He said his anger meditations were working."

"He was acting out when we first got back to Coruscant--like a willful child. I directed him to do some anger exercises in order to find his calm center again."

She turns her avian eyes to me. "It seems he took you seriously. Anything else?"

"We talked one night... last week. We were open about our feelings for each other, our love, but he feared that passion would consume him. That he would lose touch with his serenity and that was when he informed me he was taking a vow of celibacy."

"And what was your response?"

"I reminded him that it was not necessary for Jedi to live that way, but that it was his decision to make."

She nods.

"It's as if he's trying to suppress all his emotions."

"Perhaps that is the answer. He believes he is choosing this path based on calm reasoning, but instead it seems he is choosing it out of fear."

"Fear?"

"A fear of emotion. I believe that Obi-Wan has retreated into a self-induced calm state in order to hide himself from his true feelings. He's frightened about what he feels for you, and maybe more so now that you've each declared your love. In hindsight, I can see why he was careful about what he said about you... he spoke of you with the utmost respect, and he chose his words cautiously. He didn't want me to know how deeply he loves you, because he's afraid of that love."

"How can you know that?"

She sighs. "I've been a master healer for over thirty years. I don't suppose you'd appreciate me questioning your negotiating skills?"

"I didn't mean to offend you... I only---"

"You want what's best for Obi-Wan. We all do and that's why I'm breaking his confidence by speaking with you now. You must get Obi-Wan to feel again. He has a great love for you, I feel it in the Force, but he's locked it away and he's slowly destroying himself by doing so."

The chrono flashes 0900. I am to meet Obi-Wan in the training salle now. I must leave.

"Cl'ta, thank you," I say and stand. "I will do what I can."

"Then you will succeed," she says, rising to leave. "You always succeed, Qui-Gon Jinn." She smiles, and I am grateful for her confidence in me.

Last night I meditated. Should I leave Qui-Gon? Should I request another master to complete my training? For long hours I searched for the answer--searched myself for the truth, but it did not come. I could not find my calm and so my meditation failed to show me a path.

"Meditation is not the only path to truth," Qui-Gon once said to me. He was trying to teach me to search for answers in many places, to be aware of the truth around us at all times.

And so now, as I stand in the middle of the training salle doing warm-up exercises and waiting for my master, I search yet again for the truth. I go over what I will say to him. I must seek peace for myself. I must sever our bond or I will never maintain the serenity I need to achieve knighthood.

For six years we grew together to shape a friendship and a strong Jedi team. It was a beautiful thing to behold... even as a boy I understood this. Then I fell in love with him. My master became much more to me than just a teacher and a friend. He became the object of my fantasies. But I was careful not to let my desire show... or so I thought. I dutifully waited for the day when I could face him as a full knight.

So what happened? During my mid to late teen years I enjoyed small crushes on other padawans, but none of those relationships went beyond kisses and petting. By eighteen I discovered I was hopelessly in love with my master, but concealed this fact with continued relationships with my peers. A tension began to build between Qui-Gon and me that charged the air whenever we were close, but neither of us spoke or acted on it. In truth, I never really thought that he loved me until recently when he confessed that love.

On my nineteenth name day just months ago, Qui-Gon gave me the freedom to come and go from the Temple as I pleased, so long as I informed him of my plans. I interpreted this freedom as his way of saying that we would not be together, and so I indulged in sex for the first time, hoping to forget how very much I loved him. Some would call me a late bloomer, but I made up for it with a quick succession of lovers leading right to the mistake of a lifetime--Olan Kemp.

Now I'm back at the Temple, trying to put my life back together again and as the days pass it is becoming harder and harder for me not to fall into Qui-Gon's arms. When he said he loved me I almost wept... I almost lost my will to resist him. That is why I couldn't let him touch me yesterday. Even his healing touch would be too much for me. I can no longer pretend only a brotherly commitment to him. It will have to be all or nothing for us. And if it is all then I must give up my dreams of ever becoming a Jedi knight.

I dread the reality of a life without Qui-Gon Jinn, but what choice do I have? I must stay true to my training. Someday I will come back and face him. Someday after I am knighted he will be proud of me. And perhaps in another lifetime we will be the lovers I always dreamt we would be.

When I arrive in the training salle, Obi-Wan is soaring through the air completing a series of tumbles. He is particularly fond of these aerial maneuvers and I hesitate at the door to enjoy them. He is so beautiful, as close to being a bird as any human has ever come. I wouldn't be surprised at all someday if he sprouted wings and took flight.

He lands with a solid thump, enjoying the sound of contact with the ground, rather than gracefully lighting in silence. He has always had a sense of the theatrical about him, but I have rarely chastised him for being too proud. If anything, he promotes others before he promotes himself.

As I approach him, he turns and bows and I am reminded of my discussion with Master Cl'ta. Her words have galvanized me. I know I must act before I lose Obi-Wan altogether.

"Good morning, Padawan," I say, as I shed my brown cloak and leave it on a bench near the door.

"Good morning, Master."

"Your aerial maneuver was quite nice... a little tight, but very nice."

"Thank you, Master. I feel as if my strength is returning."

"I know what you mean. I'm looking forward to drilling with you."

Our conversation is a bit stiff, but what I don't tell him is that I'm about to test us to our limits. If Cl'ta is right, all I need to do is push his buttons until he cracks and feels something. Anything. I know all his emotions are still there... though carefully guarded under his facade of calm. I've had enough of his Jedi serenity to last me a lifetime.

"Master?"

"Yes, Obi-Wan," I answer as I step onto the training mat. His eyes look troubled, and the crease in his brow is especially prominent this morning.

"I---I've been doing a lot of thinking..."

"Yes?"

He looks at me, his lips parted, ready to speak, but he does not continue. Instead, he shakes his head slightly and then clips his saber to his belt.

"Perhaps you will feel more like talking after we've sparred? Let's warm-up with the fifth kata." I watch him carefully, and seeing his nod, I take the position several yards from him. The fifth is a rather strenuous exercise, but he does not question my choice.

We begin. Instantly we are in rhythm with each other, mirroring each other with such grace that we gain a small audience. As we reach the height of the form I break into his concentration with a mental thought. // You're doing well, Obi-Wan.//

His movement hiccups, but he continues. We have not spoken to each other in this way since Munto Codru. I suppose it's only natural that we have not, since we normally only mind speak when we are training together or on a mission. But as I suspected, Obi-Wan did not expect it, though he should have.

The exercise concludes and I ignite my lightsaber. I have not completely regained the strength in my left arm, which has caused me some frustration, but I am confident it will be back soon enough. I slice the air between us with my green blade and Obi-Wan follows by igniting his saber and twirling it in a show of agility and control.

In moments we are dueling with competitive intensity. This is good. I need to rush him physically as well as emotionally if I am to break through that false wall he has built around himself. I strike him hard from the left and see the look of surprise in his eyes.

// Never underestimate your opponent,// I send to him. I know he's holding back because of my injury, but in battle it would be enough to get him killed.

We circle each other and then I strike again. It is not my style to be the aggressor in these drills. Early on, when I was first teaching him hard battle techniques, I would come at him this way, push him, but he has not seen me on the offensive in a long time. And that works in my favor.

// Defend yourself, Obi-Wan.//

He spins away from me and then slices the air between us. I don't let up. I push again. I force him back again and again.

// You're holding back, Obi-Wan.//

He tucks and rolls, parrying my blade, barely preventing it from singeing his tunic.

// You're being careless, Obi-Wan.//

I see a glint in his eyes. I am not usually this harsh with him and I do not enjoy it, but to reach him, to make him act on his feelings I believe I have to do this. For two quarters I advance on him, taking our sparring to every corner of the training hall. Striking his blade. Swinging out at him. Pointing out every little flinch and mistake I can. We are both pushing ourselves to the limit. Due to my injury, he is definitely in better physical condition than I am, but I have the advantage in my mastery of the Force and sheer will.

I will not give up on you, Padawan.

I draw the Force to me, around me, let it rejuvenate me for a battle not being fought for life and death, but a battle of the heart. Obi-Wan's heart. No, it is not my intent to force him to love me. All I can hope for as his master and friend is that he will find balance again, and feel what is right to feel and be strong both physically and emotionally.

// Concentrate, Obi-Wan.//

I fake a strike to his right and then turn and swipe at his legs. He barely has time to leap out of the way as my blade swings low. When he lands, crouched down, he is panting and sweat runs down his brow. I have pushed hard. Perhaps harder than I ever have before and we are both suffering for it. My legs are beginning to tremble with fatigue and my thoughts are beginning to stray towards want of rest. But I am so close. I can't stop now.

He springs at me, his first truly aggressive move since this bout began. I meet his charge head-on, holding my ground and bracing for the hard swing of his blade down onto mine. The green and the blue beams sizzle as they come into contact. His face is tight with a rage I have felt building in him slowly as I have worn him down.

// Be true to yourself, Obi-Wan.//

// Why are you saying those things?// he shouts back to me in mind. It is his first response and my first true indication that I am making progress.

"You must act on your feelings," I say aloud.

The change from mental to vocal speech surprises me and I stumble back a few steps. I'm tired and I don't understand why Qui-Gon is pushing me this way.

"Why are you fighting me like this?" I ask him, but just then he comes at me with an overhead swing. I block it, but am surprised by the strength he has put into his attack.

"You have forgotten the Code," he says and steps back.

"I live by the Code."

"You choose which part to live by."

"No, Master... A Jedi acts when calm and at peace with the Force."

"Even when that calm denies his true feelings?" Qui-Gon lunges at me again.

I am bewildered by his questions and my lack of complete concentration allows Qui-Gon to push me back. I have to fight off his continued blows as I am moved further and further back across the mat.

"There is no passion, there is serenity," I say through gritted teeth, hoping to reason with him.

"There is no ignorance, there is knowledge."

His reply confuses me. I don't want to debate the Code. I live by it. I strive every moment to uphold the Jedi Code. Is he testing me? Trying to be sure that I understand and can live by it? Haven't I proven that again and again? Haven't I spent my days in meditation to maintain my Jedi calm?

"Have I disappointed you, Master?" I am desperate for this challenge to end.

He answers me with a Force shove so strong it sends me flying off the mat and into the far wall. I hit with a hard thud and am winded. "M... Master?"

My lightsaber has fallen to the floor, but the moment I realize that, I see Qui-Gon charging, coming straight for me. I have the strength of will to call it back into my hand and ignite it in my defense. His blade is against mine in an instant and he has pinned me against the wall.

"Master... please!"

"Feel, don't think, Obi-Wan."

"Wh... What?" I try to push him off of me.

"Feel your anger, Obi-Wan."

I don't know what he's saying and our faces are so close... I can feel his hot, panting breaths on my cheek as he stares at me with an intensity I have only seen him direct at his enemies.

"A Jedi... never acts from anger," I tell him, hoping that by reciting edicts from the Code I will pass this absurd test.

"You're angry with me, Obi-Wan... let it out."

"No, Master... I'm not angry with you."

"Then why do you fight me, Obi-Wan?"

"I... I don't understand."

I can feel my arms tremble as they near their limit of resistance. He is pushing down on my blade with such force I am a little stunned. I know he has not fully recovered from his injury. Where is he getting the strength to fight me like this?

"You wanted to kill F'Kar Kryta. You wanted to kill Olan Kemp."

"No," I say, horrified that he's mentioned them. "Don't Qui-Gon... I didn't... I couldn't..."

"You mean you didn't succeed, but that's what you wanted, Obi-Wan. And you're angry that I stopped you from killing Kemp. And I killed Kryta instead of letting you."

"What? No...."

"Say it, Obi-Wan! You felt hatred... anger... You feel it now!"

I look at him. His eyes so blue and so fierce I shiver from their intensity. "No, I can't!" I scream out and with all my might I throw him off me with a Force push so filled with rage that it flings Qui-Gon back like a child's toy onto the durasteel floor.

His head hits the hard floor with a nauseating thump and his saber drops from his hand. He is not moving.

"No," I gasp, terrified by my misuse of the Force. What have I done? "Master!"

I run to his side. Disengaging and clipping my lightsaber to my belt and kneeling to cradle his head in my lap. "Master... no. Please, Master!" I call to him though he is unconscious. "Please be all right!"

"Padawan, step back," I hear a voice say from above me.

I look up through tear-filled eyes to see two knights staring down at me. One nods to the other to retrieve the emergency med kit and then kneels down. "Please, move away," she says, her tone firm.

"No, I won't leave him," I growl as if protecting a helpless babe.

"I need to tend to him."

I shake my head frantically. "No, you don't understand. He was trying to teach me..." I tremble at the revelation. Qui-Gon was forcing my hand. He pushed himself farther than he should have to show me, guide me to a truth, but what truth?

"What do you want from me?" I ask him, staring down at his motionless body. "Why did you do this? Why did you make me fight you like that?"

"Padawan," she says, gently, touching my forearm. "I can help him, but only if you remain calm and move aside."

"No, I won't be calm. My Master didn't want me to be calm. He wanted me to feel!"

I can no longer hold back the tears, I cry, pressing my cheek against Qui-Gon's. I ache, awash with the pain of regret, anger, fear, hatred... love, all of the emotions I have been suppressing. All of the emotions I have been guarding myself against. I weep as I hold him. Weep for all the terrible things that happened--my blind trust of Olan, his betrayal, the violations I endured, the humiliation, the deaths, the hopelessness, but I weep most of all for Qui-Gon's deep devotion to me.

His devotion is a blazing light, a light I chose not to see before now, a light that sustained him as he tirelessly traveled across the galaxy in search of me, a light that bravely took me from that terrible place, a light that comforted me... even when I pushed him away.

"Wake up... wake up Master, please!"

The first thing I am aware of as my consciousness returns is the splash of wetness on my cheek. It is a curious feeling, one that leads me to believe I am dreaming. Then I hear that voice, the voice I cherish and have come to love--my padawan's voice. But it is pained. I blink my eyes open and am stunned by what I see. Such beauty and torment mingled on his face--my Obi-Wan's face.

"Obi-Wan," I say, bewildered by his tears, such outpouring of emotion. It is his tears that have been dropping onto my cheeks. I reach my hand up and with one finger lightly touch his tear stained cheek.

"Master," he says, swallowing back further sobs.

Though his face is streaked with sadness it is beautiful to me. Obi-Wan has reached down and released his emotions. This is the first step.

I am suddenly aware of another person kneeling next to me. My eyes shift to see Knight Martine.

"Master Jinn," she says, softly. "You've been unconscious for just under two minutes. How are you feeling?"

"Like a fool," I say and move to sit up. Martine and Obi-Wan help me up... slowly.

Obi-Wan laughs nervously, happily, even though his eyes are still moist with concern. The sound of his laughter is precious to me. He has been so lifeless lately. "Master, I am sorry. I---"

"No, Obi-Wan. You did exactly as I intended."

Just then another knight approaches with a med kit, but immediately sees that I am doing well. "You two had quite a match going there," he says.

"We've never seen anyone train like that before," Knight Martine explains.

"I'm sure my apprentice would agree that it was not my usual teaching style."

Obi-Wan grins and I nod for him to help me stand. I obviously provoked great anger in him. I am not pleased that he acted on it, but I am very pleased that he finally expressed some emotion.

"Thank you for your assistance," I say to the two knights. When they are certain that I am well and able to stand on my own, they leave us, and then Obi-Wan and I return to our quarters.

We do not speak as we walk through the corridors of the Temple, but in our silence I at last feel hope. The emotions I saw play out on his face have lifted my heart, my very soul. I saw anger, fear, grief, remorse, happiness and... love?

I know it is not uncommon for a master and an apprentice to share a love for one another. The very nature of the training bond and the reality of living and working together for years almost ensures that the team, no matter their species or rank or gender, will in some way love each other. When I first began to feel such emotion for Obi-Wan, I reasoned it was this common form of love, a love based on familiarity, respect and trust. I tried to deny what I knew in my heart and in the Force, that I had found someone I loved so deeply I never wanted to be separated from him, that I could not imagine a life without Obi-Wan. And that frightened me.

Back in our quarters we go about the simple task of heating some broth. Its warmth will soothe us after a stressful morning and also help to revitalize us. We have both lost weight since Obi-Wan's kidnapping and the nourishment of broth will do us more good than a cup of hot tea.

As we sit, I am surprised Obi-Wan joins me on the sofa. I wonder if his remorse for lashing out at me keeps him close like a pet begging forgiveness. It does not matter. I enjoy his proximity.

I sip my broth, but Obi-Wan only sits staring into his mug, holding it between his hands on his knees.

"You're very quiet."

"Master...."

I give him a chance to finish, but he does not. "It's not like you to not have the words, Obi-Wan. What are you thinking? No, what are you feeling?"

He looks up at me. His eyes a swirl of gray-green and I know he is struggling. "I let out so much, Master," he says, sounding as if this is an apology. "I felt this outpouring of emotion and couldn't stop it."

"That's good, Obi-Wan. You're making up for suppressing it for so long."

"But I was out of control. I hurt you... again," he says and ducks his head, unable to look at me anymore.

I set down my mug. "If ever there was a time when I was glad to be tossed about the training salle it was this morning. I pushed you. It was the only way. You had built a wall around yourself and I thought that was the only way to reach you."

"But why would you want me to react like that?" He looks up.

"You needed to feel, Padawan. You needed to be forced to release your emotions. I wish there had been another way."

"But I acted on those emotions... acted against the Code, Master."

"At that moment it was far better that you had emotions than to worry about how you might act on them. Don't you see? We must have feelings, otherwise we're just machines. If the Jedi had no feelings, would we want to help anyone? No, we would turn our backs on the galaxy."

He considers this a moment and then asks, "Then the lesson, Master, is to learn to have emotions, but not to act on them?"

"There are some who would agree with you. That to act on feelings will only lead to the Dark side of the Force. I believe it's more complicated than that. We must learn to balance feelings with actions. We must never act on hate or anger or fear. But if we deny all feelings then we deny the good with the bad. Balance, Obi-Wan, we must seek balance."

Obi-Wan nods thoughtfully and then stares into his broth once again. "Balance," he says, barely above a whisper.

"Yes, Padawan. It is not so difficult as you might think..." And just then I feel a sharp pain in my arm. I set down my mug and grab my wrist.

"Master? Have you re-injured your arm?"

"I think I may have pushed myself a little too far this morning," I admit. Then, amazingly, Obi-Wan sets down his mug and reaches out to me.

"Let me help you," he says and gently places his hands on my wrist and forearm. Immediately I feel warmth encircle my arm. He does not have the skill of a healer, but the warmth comforts me.

"Thank you, Obi-Wan."

He looks up and smiles with great relief. "I have only ever wanted to please you, Master. To make you proud of me in some small way."

"And you have. You are my brightest joy."

His smile deepens and then he leans forward, his hands still on me. "I... I've been trying to deny my feelings for you." He leans in until our lips meet in blessed warmth and pressure.

I fall into the kiss. I feel as if I've been pursuing Obi-Wan and my sanity since the day of his kidnapping. It has been weeks of constant motion... sometimes forward, but mostly back. It has been a struggle that has left me hollow and yearning. And now his lips are on mine and I find myself eager to complete this journey in his arms, but something tells me to stop. We are not ready for this. There is so much yet to resolve. I pull back and his lips follow my retreat... his hands come up to my face. Regretfully, I pull back further and take his hands away.

"I'm sorry. I would enjoy nothing more than to take you in my arms and receive the kind of kisses that only you can give me, but I have a responsibility as your master." I see the confusion and hurt in his eyes, but this is right. "You must consider your choices carefully. You must reflect on all you have learned and have yet to learn."

"You're refusing me?"

"I am only redirecting you. Not so very long ago you chose celibacy over love and passion. Has so much changed? I told you I would honor your choice and if that means I must deny your urges then I will."

"Urges? No..." Obi-Wan says, shaking his head. He gets up from the sofa, nearly stumbling. "I love you. I've loved you for a very long time."

He's only nineteen. What can he know of love? And yet I believe that he does love me. We have been through much together in our six years as a team, and even more in these last few weeks. If anything could test love it would be the trauma we have suffered.

He's breathing hard now and the feelings that are roiling off him make me ache to the core. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

"And I love you, Obi-Wan, but you must look beyond us... beyond this room. Meditate and explore your feelings, find balance and then we will discuss what you have discovered."

He hesitates, his eyes still showing his confusion, but he obediently bows and retreats to his room.

I am standing in the middle of my room with my hands clenched into fists. I am angry, but it is not with my master. I have acted foolishly. What was I thinking to have kissed him like that? Of course he would push me away. I speak of love, but I am not tender with his heart. I have not considered his feelings in any of this. Instead, I have tested him every step of the way.

I chose a path many months ago--one I thought was my own, of my own free will and of no consequence to anyone else. That is where my foolishness truly began. On my nineteenth Name Day, I had hoped for some sign of love from Qui-Gon, but all he gave me was my freedom. I was responsible at first, partnering with fellow padawans, but my frustration quickly grew and I became reckless in love, reckless enough to fall into bed with a stranger--a very dangerous stranger.

I pull off my boots and strip out of my clothes until I am left only in my leggings. I settle in lotus position on my meditation mat on the floor. A few deep breaths cleanse me, calm me of the anger I raced in here with. I can feel Qui-Gon's presence in the next room. He is always so patient and kind. Where does he get his control?

When I tried to control my feelings they built up inside me and nearly ruptured my very being. The more I controlled my emotions the more unlike myself I became. It was as if a large part of myself had been locked away. But wasn't that what I needed in order to find serenity? Where did I go wrong? When did I become so misguided?

Explore my feelings, find balance, Qui-Gon tells me. He obviously sees nothing wrong in having feelings. But what is the gauge I must use to find balance? Sometimes when I look at Qui-Gon or other Jedi I do not see any emotion--they look calm and serene. Are they feeling nothing? That is what I thought, that was my gauge.

I spend the rest of the day and night in deep meditation, searching the Force for the answers I so desperately seek. I allow myself only a minimum of sleep and the next morning I awake early to prepare first meal for my master.

I put on a bathrobe over my sleep pants and shuffle out into the common room, still a little sleepy-eyed. Qui-Gon is not here. I look to his room and the door is open. I can see he is not there either. When did he leave? I felt his presence with me the entire night.

Disappointed, I grab a Kala fruit and am about to return to my room to eat it when I see a handwritten note and a datapad on the table.

<< Good morning, Padawan. I had business I needed to attend to... the datapad will explain. I trust your meditations are going well. Please contact me on my commlink should you need me for anything. Q.>>

I access the data to find that the Senate Judiciary Committee has judged Olan Kemp guilty of all the charges brought against him. He was sentenced to life imprisonment at the work camps on Aurelia 5.

A wave of relief rushes through me, followed quickly by a feeling of exhaustion. It is as if I have been running from the events on Munto Codru since Qui-Gon came for me and I can finally stop. I sit down at the table and put my head in my hands. Can it really be over?

In a way it is over, but I know that in many more it is not. The work I began with Master Cl'ta must continue, my meditations must continue, but most of all my efforts to heal my relationship with my master must continue. Judgment may have come to Olan Kemp, but I have little time to indulge in it. Qui-Gon still has much to teach me. Yes, it is difficult to be near him, but our shared experiences, both positive and negative, are a great benefit to me. I cannot leave him for another master. Only Qui-Gon Jinn truly understands me and can guide me to knighthood.

I get up from my chair and impulsively go over to the comm unit to contact him. It would be good to hear his voice right now and to determine what role he is playing in the Senate's justice.

"Master," I say and only have to wait a moment before that beautiful voice answers me.

"Obi-Wan. You're awake early this morning. Is everything all right?"

"Yes, Master. I am well. I read the datapad you left."

"Ah, I thought you might contact me after you saw that. I am heading to the Senate with Master Windu where we will watch the transfer of Kemp onto the cruiser that will take him to Aurelia 5. I hope you do not mind that I did not invite you."

"Thank you. I have seen enough of him for a lifetime."

I hear a small chuckle and then my master tells me to continue my meditations. He will most likely be away from our quarters for most of the day, but available should I need him.

It is amazing how that brief contact energizes me. One moment I felt nearly defeated in my exhaustion and now I feel lifted, light again. It is Qui-Gon's doing, I know. Always patient and kind, my master seems to have an endless reserve of strength, generosity and courage. Just thinking of him puts a smile on my face and I now eagerly bite into the Kala fruit, remembering happier times.

After eating and showering, I dress in workout pants and tunics and continue my meditations in the common room. I settle and close my eyes and am once again thinking of Qui-Gon--strong, beautiful Qui-Gon.

I see him in my mind. He is the epitome of the Jedi master--larger than life, serene and beautifully aged. At first meeting, many people shy away from him, his great height and breadth intimidating them until they notice his kind eyes. I have been privileged to see those eyes reveal a range of emotions--battle fierceness, wise calm, playful charm, tender sympathy, and even deep affection. At his side I have borne witness to all the wit and wisdom Qui-Gon holds within him, and I have learned more than I can say.

So, is this love that I feel? Qui-Gon left me with that question yesterday. I had unfairly advanced on him after declaring my celibacy only days before. What was he to do? Which choice was he to believe? It seems I have toyed with his emotions a great deal lately. On Munto Codru I seduced him, immersed him in my passion, but on our return to Coruscant I closed myself off to him.

How I must have hurt him and yet he still stood by my side. If I know anything it is that Qui-Gon loves me. Through it all he loves me and not just as his padawan. Why couldn't I have seen this before? Why did I have to stray into the Rancor's den in order to see his affection for me? Impatience, that's why. Now I see there was no need to rush. We belonged to each other all along, and we will be together in time.

Where the hours of the day have gone I cannot say. I come out of my meditation to find the room lit only by the soft glow of the Coruscant lights. I have been sitting in lotus position for over twelve hours and yet I feel incredible. Despite the long hours in this position I stand without much difficulty. The calm state of my meditation allowed the blood to flow through my veins freely, keeping my body relaxed and unconstricted.

Qui-Gon should be returning soon, and so I retreat into the fresher. The warm spray of water on my body penetrates me to the core. I feel alive as I haven't in months. I found a truth in my meditations that had eluded me for too long. Impatience and fear have ruled me. I must now find a way to let love rule--the love that Qui-Gon and I share.

I return to my quarters after sharing last meal with Mace and Yoda. I resisted the urge to return earlier, but Obi-Wan needed the time to himself. A master can only guide so far, then he must trust his apprentice to find his own way.

The common room is empty when I enter, but I feel Obi-Wan's presence. He is in his own room, no doubt continuing his meditations. I am proud of our breakthrough in the training salle yesterday, and hopeful that he is using this time to find answers and not to suppress his emotions as he had before.

Though it is early evening, I decide to shower and prepare for bed. Ensuring Olan Kemp's transfer off planet took much of the day. It gave me little pleasure to see him in restraints and even less to watch him board the cruiser with his chin held high and his shoulders back. He was defiant and unrepentant to the end. I am glad Obi-Wan was not there to witness it.

After showering and putting on a bathrobe, I go to my room. I am in the process of towel drying my hair when I hear a tap at the door.

"Yes?"

Obi-Wan opens the door and stands in the doorway. He is dressed in workout pants and a tunic that is hanging open loosely, exposing his chest. He is lovely, and that familiar ache comes back to me.

"Evening, Master."

He looks bashful, but energized, and I am very glad he has come in to see me.

I smile. "Yes, it is a good evening. I'm glad to be home."

"You had a long day. Would you care for some tea?"

"No, thank you. I don't think I need tea to relax me tonight. I'm about ready for bed."

"Oh, of course." He turns to leave.

"Wait, Obi-Wan." He stops and looks back at me. "I didn't mean for you to go."

A small smile curves almost shyly at his lips. "Good. I had hoped we could talk."

"I would like that. Please come in." I toss the towel in a corner and gesture for him to sit on the bed, but he shakes his head, preferring to stand just inside the door. "How was your day?"

"Peaceful. I spent it in meditation as you suggested."

"Good. Then you explored your feelings as I asked?"

"Yes, a great deal, Master," he says and his eyes light. I think I can see shades of happiness there.

"Go on."

"I see now that I cannot live without emotions. It was foolish of me to suppress what I was feeling."

"And understanding this has lifted some burden from you?"

"Yes," he says and grins. "But in that discovery a question came to me. You told me that emotions are what make the Jedi act as guardians of peace."

"Emotions as well as other factors. A sense of duty to the Force, for example."

"Then where does love fit in?"

The subject of love catches me off guard. Certainly love was very high on his list of potent emotions. We had spoken of it only yesterday morning.

"Love is one of many strong emotions, and yet this is where your concern lies?"

"Yes." He looks down at his bare feet and continues, "You asked me to explore my feelings and the Force chose to show me love..." He looks up, his eyes intense and deep in hue. "...Our love, Master. A love that has been there all along."

"And this love you have seen and feel we share... is it more than the love of a master and apprentice?"

"Yes... You know it is." He steps forward, seeming powerful in this new truth and yet vulnerable. "You must know that I love you with all my heart."

He stops mid-way across the room, our eyes locked, my heart pounding. I stand, facing him. "I do know this, Obi-Wan. And that the love I hold for you in my heart is deep and true."

A small gasp escapes his lips as he smiles, but he does not draw any nearer. "But a love we cannot share without breaking the Code?"

"The Tenet which says 'There is no passion,' is not the stumbling block you think it. As I said, you must find balance."

"But how? I want so much from you. I want to make love to you."

The proposition thrums in my ears and in my heart, but I must be cautious for both our sakes.

"Am I mistaken or is this the second time you have forgotten about your vow of celibacy?"

He blushes, embarrassed and perhaps a little confused, but keeps his feet firmly planted and his chin high. "I was foolish and spoke rashly. I know now that I only chose that path because I was afraid to love you."

"And you are no longer afraid?"

He looks at me with something of a plea in his eyes. "I am still afraid, but I am more afraid of a life without knowing your love."

I step forward and place my hands on his shoulders. "Obi-Wan... beloved. There is nothing to fear. We can share this love and still be Jedi. Love makes us stronger and will not consume us with passion. As with everything there is a time and a place for it... and therein lies the balance."

Hope glistens in his eyes. "We are free to love so long as we don't let it rule our lives?"

I smile, my heart full of joy at seeing the realization dawn on his beautiful face. "You are partially correct. We are free to love each other every second of every day, and to share our love by making it known to our friends and colleagues. But passion, in its purest sense, must be tempered. We must only act on it in private and we must never allow it to consume us, to make us forget our duty as Jedi."

His hands come up and rest over mine on his shoulders. "Then I may act on my passion now? I may love you that way?"

"Yes, my Obi-Wan, if that is your wish."

I feel the tremble in his hands and see it on his lips. This is an epiphany for him. He sees how balance may be achieved and he is in awe of the possibilities.

"Master, it is my greatest wish."

I pull him into my arms, holding him warmly against my chest. "We have both been fools."

This boy grown into a beautiful young man is all Light and truth and love to me. It is no wonder I would chase across the galaxy to find him and bring him home and that I would endure any hardship or suffering just to keep him in my life. And I know he would do the same for me.

"Come to bed, Obi-Wan. Let me love you," I say, and take his hands in mine and draw him back onto the bed with me. "Let me make love to you the way I wished I could have on Munto Codru."

"Shh, Master," he says, brushing his lips against mine. "I seduced you into taking me... you had no choice."

"But I did have a choice. You cannot seduce someone who does not want to be seduced." I smile and lean forward, kissing him.

I feel as if I am in a dream. One moment I am standing in the middle of Qui-Gon's room, unsure, afraid, and my heart beating hard against my chest, and the next I am lying in his bed--my master's bed--with his powerful arms around me and his lips on mine. How could I have ever doubted that this moment would come? How could I have doubted the love and devotion we have always shared?

We lie face to face, kissing each other, moving our hands over each other's shoulders and arms. Qui-Gon pushes my tunic from my shoulders and kisses my shoulder and neck, licking and kissing just behind my ear. I breathe heavily, open-mouthed, eyes half closed, succumbing quickly to his touch.

"There was a moment on Munto Codru when I despaired... I hoped you would not come for me." I do not know why this is the moment I wish to share such a detail of my captivity, but I do.

Qui-Gon lifts his head and looks at me with eyes of the deepest blue. "There was never a chance that I wouldn't come for you," he says and kisses my lips. "I was in a panic from the moment I realized something was wrong. I blamed myself for not noticing sooner. I heard you call out, but it was so brief---."

I cut off his confession with another kiss. "We both made mistakes."

"But you suffered for my mistake," he says with a fierce sincerity.

"We both suffered."

The look in his eyes softens. "You are wise beyond your years, my young Padawan," Qui-Gon says and then kisses me so deeply that it guarantees I won't be thinking about mistakes or suffering or anything else other than how delicious our closeness feels right now.

We get back to the task of making love and it is cleansing and enriching and the most beautiful experience I have ever shared with another. I boldly tug at the tied sash at his waist, loosening it and then let my hands slip inside his robe, finding blessedly warm skin. My lips are on his collarbone and then moving down his chest, exploring Qui-Gon as I wished I could have the first time.

My Obi-Wan has always been so eager--eager to learn, eager to win, eager to gain my approval. If only he knew how eager I have been to do the right thing by him as well, and how eager I am to love him completely beginning in this very moment.

His hands on me are like fire. They brand my skin, marking me invisibly with their touch, claiming me for his own. He does not realize his power over me... yet. He is young and has much to learn and if the Force is willing we will have many years together in this life, many years to explore each other and discover the secrets which only lovers can know.

Moist lips have found their way down the center of my chest to my abdomen. His tongue dips into my navel, teases me with a playfulness I am sure will serve us well over the many nights we will share in this bed. Then his lips continue, diverting only momentarily to kiss an inner thigh before they rest on the crown of my straining erection. A sweet kiss and then he licks the pre-come away.

"Mmm," Obi-Wan moans, and I find myself burning anew for him from the sound of his desire.

I lay back, resting my head on a pillow and spread my legs for my lover. He has pushed my robe aside and kneels next to me, bent over to pleasure me with his mouth. My cock is sucked into his mouth and I groan from the incredible sensation. My hands go to his head, fingers stroking his scalp and the close-cropped copper hair. I find myself falling all too quickly towards climax.

"Obi-Wan," I say, the name as beloved as the young man who bears it.

My need, my nearness to completion only drives him to increase his attentions. He swallows me and presses his tongue against me as he works his mouth up and down. I close my eyes and all my focus is directed to the pleasure he is so lovingly giving me. At last, the pressure is released and I come into his mouth, thrusting up into that incredible heat as I ride the moment's ecstasy.

He takes all I give him before pulling off and coming back into my embrace.

"My Obi-Wan." I hold him tightly with shaking arms.

We stay like this for a long moment and then he begins nuzzling my neck. I can feel his need pressed against my thigh and it is enough to stir me to interest once again. I roll over on top of him and strip out of my robe entirely.

"That's better," I say, grinning down at him.

"You look as though you have something in mind."

"Can there be any doubt?" I busy myself with getting him out of his clothes. It takes only a moment to pull the loose tunic off and slide his workout pants off. He is naked and wanton beneath me and I pause to give thanks.

A lustful moan escapes his lips, and he wriggles until our cocks bump together, making him gasp in pleasure.

There's no sense in delaying this any further. My cock has hardened again and I'm already aching to take him. I know that's what he wants. There will be time enough for slow lovemaking later when we have doused this fire a bit.

I reach over to the bedside table and get the lubricant out of the drawer. It has never been used. I purchased it when I first realized my physical attraction to Obi-Wan. He was just seventeen and though he was too young to share such intimacies with me, I indulged in the purchase and then did not take any other lovers.

When he sees the bottle of oil he smiles wickedly. "Finally," he says and then laughs that delightful laugh that I have missed for weeks now.

I open the bottle and dip my finger inside and then lift it to his nose. "Rose of New Stellar."

He inhales the scent, closing his eyes briefly, and then a small smile curves his lips. "I remember the scent from somewhere..."

"Yes, when we were on..."

"No, don't tell me," he says, gently laying his hand over mine to keep my scented finger close to his nose. He inhales again. "The Moon of R'tn. There was a rose bush just outside our room at that run down hotel."

"That's right. The sense of smell is a powerful memory trigger."

"That was two years ago," he says, tilting his head slightly as he looks at me. "You made this purchase then?"

"Yes. We both enjoyed the scent and I---"

"You knew then." The words sound oddly like an accusation, but are spoken too sweetly to be considered harsh. "You had feelings for me?"

"Yes, Obi-Wan. Are you surprised?"

"Yes, but more happy than surprised." His hand comes up and touches my face, so tender, so reverent. We look into each other's eyes and smile. "I love you, Qui-Gon."

"And I love you, Obi-Wan," I say and rub the oil soaked finger onto the cleft of his chin and then bend down and kiss the fascinating little indention. "And you're certain you're ready for this? After what happened to you---"

"Oh, yes, Qui-Gon," he says, leaning up and kissing me. "I need this. I need you."

"And I need you, Obi-Wan. You have tempted me for a long time... you have always been beautiful in so many ways."

"Then why did you encourage me to partner with my friends?"

I understand his need to know. He has longed for us to be together also.

"You were too young, of course. And I too was afraid."

"And now?"

"Now it's all different. When I thought I had lost you all I could think about was bringing you home to be in my arms, of not letting anything come between us again."

We kiss a tender, deep kiss that tells of devotion and longing. Then I take his hand and dip his finger once again into the scented oil. I am trembling inside with want and the almost overpowering feeling of love that is swirling around us and between us, but somehow I keep my hand from shaking as I guide him down to my opening.

He rubs his finger there and then holds it still, positioning himself between my legs. Slowly, his finger slips inside me. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, wanting to concentrate on the sensation.

Qui-Gon takes his time preparing me. He lovingly stretches me with his fingers while he takes my cock in hand and strokes it. I moan and arch under him. His care and the very fact that this is my master pleasuring me makes me more aroused than I have ever been.

At last he withdraws his fingers and I watch as he coats his sex with oil. I lick my lips and rub my inner thighs eager for him to join us, eager for him to love me. He leans over, his loose brown hair falling forward and hanging on either side of my face as he reaches down to place his cock at my entrance. There is the press of flesh and then he slides in, just the head, perhaps an inch more, and then stops. He is large and long and careful not to hurt me, careful to allow me to grow accustomed to his size.

I stare down at my beloved as I slowly fill him. He is tight and hot around my cock and I fight the urge to move, to thrust inside him and push all the way in. I am determined that this lovemaking will be pleasurable for him... as pleasurable and powerful as I can make it.

He wriggles beneath me and I push forward again, sliding further... further until I am completely sheathed inside him and we both moan. My Obi-Wan is so beautiful as I gaze at his face, now flushed with need.

"More." He speaks so softly that I think he has spoken it in my mind rather than on his lips.

He needs me to move and to fill him even deeper and I comply willingly, leaning down to kiss the beauty mark on his cheek and then pulling out half way before pushing back in. We both groan and I pull out and push in again. The rhythm begins... in and out, in and out... and is supplemented by other touches and sounds that lovers share. Obi-Wan wraps his legs around my thighs, holding me to him, and caresses my back and buttocks, sliding a finger inside my crack and even teasing my opening. He can have me whenever he likes. I would deny him nothing.

The fullness of Qui-Gon inside me is almost too much. He is large, but it is glorious the way our bodies move together--the way he moves inside me, filling me, driving into me. He slides more easily with each thrust, my body conforming to him as I want more and more.

I keep my eyes open and fixed on his face. Needing to watch him move on me... in me, wanting to be sure it's Qui-Gon, wanting to affirm this is truly happening. He is all hard, broad muscle and glistening skin above me, his body raised with locked arms on either side of me. His silver-streaked hair sways with each thrust, sometimes brushing softly against my cheek or shoulder. Can he know how beautiful he is to me? How much I love giving myself to him?

"Feel my love, Obi-Wan," he says, and I moan as I look into his eyes, transfixed by his beauty and the pleasure he gives me.

Our bodies move in perfect rhythm, but we both need more. Still thrusting, Qui-Gon grabs my thighs and pulls my legs onto his waist. In the process my ass is lifted a little off the bed changing the angle of his entry enough that he is now brushing across my prostate with every thrust.

"Ah!" I cry out, feeling the sparks of orgasm begin.

He moves so beautifully. He accepts me so completely. My Obi-Wan taking everything I give him makes me impossibly hard. His moans, the lust in his eyes, the angle of my entry all combine to make me thrust harder, faster, needing him more and more.

"Feel my passion fill you," I say, reminding him that this is the time to act on our passion.

// Yes... I feel it,// he sends to me as he grunts and I fill him again and again.

His words in my mind are beautiful and remind me of another facet of our lovemaking that was missing on Munto Codru. The Force dampening collar he wore had prevented us from communicating this intimately, and sharing our emotions through our bond.

I send my love to him and then feel his muscles constrict around my cock. He arches and calls out, "Qui-Gon!"

I am quick to follow his release. I plunge deep inside him and then tense as my orgasm rips through me, sending warmth through my body and pulsing into Obi-Wan. "Obi-Wan!" I say and collapse on top of him.

Our arms and legs are entwined and shaking, and our chests rise and fall in heavy, panting breaths. After a moment I turn my face to his and take his lips in a deep, loving kiss. Our tongues meet in a passion that Obi-Wan has feared for too long. He was meant to be loved this way. He was meant to enjoy passion and not shrink from the wealth of emotion that he holds.

The passion and the kiss slowly subside as Obi-Wan begins to laugh. At first he chuckles as I continue to plant kisses on his lips and face. Then the chuckles grow deeper and he is smiling as I run my hand through his hair and kiss his brow.

"You sound happy," I say, kissing the tip of his nose.

"I am happy, Master. Happier than I ever thought I could be."

I hold his face in my hands and brush my thumbs over his cheeks. "Then I am happy, too. To have my Obi-Wan back."

His smile fades a little as he grows more serious again. "I owe you so much."

"You have given me so much."

He reaches up to brush a strand of hair from my face. "How will this change things? Being lovers."

"I hope it means you'll be sleeping in my bed from now on," I say, smiling.

"Of course I will. But what about the rest?"

"The rest we'll determine as we go. I'm sure we'll both make mistakes along the way, Obi-Wan, but it won't change how we feel, and it won't be an obstacle to you becoming a knight."

He smiles again and I believe I will never grow tired or old as long as I have him at my side.

"I love you, Master."

"And I love you, Obi-Wan."

It is nearly 0900 hours before either of us stirs awake. I am lying on my stomach and Qui-Gon is partially covering me, his leg thrown over my thigh and his arm wrapped around my waist. His face is nuzzled in my hair and when I feel him nip at my ear I know he is waking and feeling playful.

My body feels deliciously used from our energetic lovemaking last night. It was an indulgence I hope to soon repeat. Hours of making love with my master in every position, giving every pleasure has temporarily sated the lust I had been trying to quench in others, but knew I never could.

Our night together healed many of my wounds--the trespasses to my body and the pain I had caused Qui-Gon. I feel none of the negative emotion and guilt I did after our first coupling on Munto Codru. In Qui-Gon's sweet care, I have experienced the true nature of passion when it is passion expressed in love. I have come a long way to putting the events of that strange world behind me.

"I can hear you thinking," Qui-Gon says softly as he licks my ear.

"I was reflecting on how whole I feel this morning."

"Whole?" he asks, and kisses my temple.

"Yes... healed by your touch."

"Mmm," he moans and then rubs his body against mine, letting me feel his morning erection. "Are you in need of any more healing?"

His words and the feel of him hard behind me are very erotic. I haven't yet moved or turned to see his face. "I am always in need... of you, Master."

That brings a low, husky chuckle out of him and then he is moving, drifting down the length of my body. Kissing my shoulder blades and spine as he goes. His hand cups my ass and he kisses it tenderly.

"You have long teased me with this," he says and licks one round globe of flesh.

"Good," I say, chuckling and looking over my shoulder at him.

"Good?" he asks, looking up at me with one eyebrow raised. "You are a mischievous Padawan." He laughs as he swats me playfully.

"Hey!" I protest and continue to laugh.

He kneads my buttocks like fresh dough and I curl my arms around the pillow, enjoying his attentions. My cock is hard beneath me and I recall all the mornings I awoke wanting him, wanting Qui-Gon to step out of the fresher and into my bed, slip under the covers, still dripping wet, and fuck me. Oh, how I've wanted him to fuck me.

"You're thinking again," he says, and now his fingers are slipping between my crack and I feel energy soothing the slight ache there.

"I was remembering all the times I fantasized about you."

"Mmm... and is the real thing as good as your fantasies?" he asks, and as we're talking he's grabbing the oil, slicking his fingers and slowly pushing them inside me.

"Oh," I moan, arching and lifting myself onto my elbows. "Yes, much better."

I look over my shoulder again. He has one hand on my back, soothing me with a small circular motion while the fingers of his other hand penetrate me. His erection is proud and crimson and ready and I move my hips, grinding my cock into the bed, needing that friction as I wait for him.

"Now, Qui-Gon."

"Are you this demanding in your fantasies as well?"

I smile, pleased with how at ease we are with each other. I know our love will grow and our lovemaking will become more and more fulfilling.

I withdraw my fingers and sit back on my heels. Obi-Wan is spread before me on his stomach and I admire the warm morning light that is casting the most enchanting shadows on his body. Light and shadow play over curved, supple flesh and hard, young muscle. His padawan's braid hangs down his back and its tail shimmers red in the sun's light.

He is beautiful, ever so beautiful.

// Yours, Master,// he says in my mind as he looks over his shoulder at me once more.

He has felt my deep love pouring over him and undoubtedly heard my reverent thoughts.

"Take me, Master," he says, and I can see love and pleading in his gray-green eyes. "Take me..."

There can be no better enticement to love than that face, those beautiful eyes, and that body waiting for my touch.

// My beloved,// I send to him as I raise myself onto my knees and slick my cock with the scented oil.

I lift his hips slightly and he wriggles his ass playfully before I still him with the press of hardness at his opening. The joining is so much easier this morning after all the loving we did last night. He seems to know how to accept me into his body and I slide home in seconds, completely sheathed in his warmth.

I begin to move almost at once, so hard and so ready to make love to him. Obi-Wan moans and pushes back onto my cock, impaling himself further and driving me to quicker, harder thrusts. He is hungry this morning. We are both hungry. This attraction between us is powerful and I know I will spend many hours reflecting on it in meditation.

My hands spread over his hips, holding him as I pump into him. I watch as my cock is buried inside him and I think of all the fantasies I have had over the last two years, fantasies like this reality where Obi-Wan is eager to give himself to me. One day I will share my fantasies with him and maybe he will want to recreate them and share his own, but right now this moment is better than any fantasy that comes to mind.

His fair skin glistens with sweat as we work hard to feel each other--meet each other's needs. And it won't take long. He is moaning louder now and I am grunting with each thrust, feeling the heat build in my loins.

"Come with me, Obi-Wan," I say as I thrust at a slightly different angle.

"Yes," he groans and reaches down to take his own cock in hand.

We move as one and in just a few hard thrusts we are both coming, both falling into the white heat of orgasm.

"Oh, Master!" he calls out, arching and pushing himself back harder onto me.

"Obi-Wan!" I cry out almost in the same moment and fill him with my pleasure.

We rock together until we are drained and then fall on our sides, still joined and intertwined. We shake from the intensity of our orgasms and I kiss his hair, ear and cheek over and over again.

// My love,// I say, holding him close in my arms.

// My Qui-Gon.//

My master fills me with his love, covering me with tender touches and kisses, bringing us a new day, a new life. I am sure that this new aspect of our relationship will strengthen our abilities as a team and enhance my training. I can feel our bond thrumming between us, surrounding us in its love, respect and rightness in the Force.

Just as I am drifting back into sleep, nestled in the safety and warmth of my master's arms, I hear the door chime.

"It seems we have a visitor," Qui-Gon says, but does not move.

The door chimes again.

"Make them go away." I snuggle in his arms, still feeling him inside me.

"Go away!" Qui-Gon calls out, but hardly loud enough to be heard beyond the walls of our quarters.

I laugh at our mutual need to keep this time for us.

Again, the door chimes.

"I had hoped to spend the day in bed with you," he says and then begins to move out of the embrace.

"No, please. They'll go away, whoever it is."

"They don't seem to be going away."

Now we hear a knock at the door.

He pulls out of me and I gasp at the loss. He caresses my arm and bends to kiss my cheek. "Up with you. I have a feeling this concerns us both."

I look up at him and suddenly feel a dread come over me. "Something's wrong?"

"I don't know, Obi-Wan," he says and gets out bed. "But someone's eager to speak with us."

I reluctantly follow him out of bed and watch as he slips into leggings and tunics and pulls his hair back into a ponytail. I dress in my workout pants and tunic and we hurry, barefoot, into the common room to greet our unwelcome visitor.

When Qui-Gon opens the door I am surprised to see Master Windu and my friend Garen Muln standing there.

"Yes?" Qui-Gon asks, in a surprisingly impatient tone.

Mace looks us both over and then raises an eyebrow at Qui-Gon. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but this can't wait, Qui-Gon."

Master Windu's words make me uneasy and I feel the Force swirling about us now. Something has happened, but rather than discussing it in the hall I invite our guests inside.

After entering, Garen immediately steps over to me. "I was coming to see you when I ran into Master Windu in the hall," he says and then lowers his voice. "He seems upset."

I nod, looking at the two masters rather than my friend. Qui-Gon's posture is defensive and I know that he senses something is wrong, too.

"How are you doing?" Garen asks, whispering in my ear.

He suspects... actually I'm sure both he and Mace know what's been going on. We are disheveled, only partially dressed, and most certainly smell of sex.

I can't help a smile. "I'm great---" I begin to tell him, but then am interrupted as the conversation between the two masters boils over.

"Get to the point, Mace. Tell us why you're here."

We all look on the Council member with great anticipation, but part of me doesn't want to hear what he has to say.

"Olan Kemp has escaped."

"What? We watched him board that Republic prison cruiser yesterday morning," Qui-Gon says, a fierceness tingeing his voice.

"He had accomplices, Qui-Gon. The cruiser was attacked on its way to Aurelia 5..." Mace is explaining, but I have stopped hearing any of it.

I turn away from the others and sit down at the dining room table. The announcement has cut straight through me, making my head spin. It's as though my happiness could be snatched away from me. One moment my life was together and perfect and the next it is torn apart. I feel bared to the world, exposed and alone somehow. With Olan out there, roaming free, how can there be justice or rightness in the galaxy?

Qui-Gon notices my despair and comes over to me, kneeling beside the chair. "Are you all right, Padawan?" He places his hands on my knees and I look into his worried face.

"How could this have happened?" I put my hands over his.

His question squeezes my insides. I was so sure of the happiness Obi-Wan and I had finally found. I was so sure of putting this chapter behind us that this news has shaken me as much as it has Obi-Wan.

But before I can offer words of comfort, Mace is speaking again. "As I said, he had help."

I want to turn and growl at Mace, punish him for bringing us this news, but I reach for calm in the Force. I must remain calm for Obi-Wan.

"He won't get far. We can track him down," I say to Obi-Wan confidently.

"No," Mace says, placing a hand on my shoulder. "You are too valuable a team to be spending your time tracking escaped convicts."

"He's more than an escaped convict, Mace," I say, rising to my full height. The need to protect my apprentice is strong. This news has unsettled me. "He has wronged a Jedi... we must see justice done."

"He will be caught, but not by you," Mace says firmly. "The Senate will address this problem in their own way."

My eyes narrow on my friend. "You mean they're going to hire a bounty hunter."

"It's the wisest course of action," Mace says, and lowers his eyes for a moment.

"What is it?" Obi-Wan asks. "Is there something you haven't told us yet?"

Mace nods and a heartbeat before he speaks I feel the wrongness of what he is about to say.

"Kemp sent you a message, Obi-Wan."

"You're joking," I say, shaking my head. "You should've destroyed it."

"That is Obi-Wan's decision, Qui-Gon. The message is for him."

"But the matter of finding him should be left to the Senate? Why not give Obi-Wan a say in how Kemp should be handled as well?"

"You know very well justice does not work that way. The Senate Judiciary Committee must handle this matter."

"And we would be the best ones to track him," I say, falling into our old pattern of disagreeing about methods.

"This is a personal matter to you, Qui-Gon, and for that very reason you should not be involved."

"Then another Jedi team should be sent---" I begin to say, continuing the argument. Then I hear Obi-Wan speak up. Though his voice is very quiet. I turn to him.

"What did Olan say?" he asks, repeating his question. He looks from me to Mace.

Mace pulls a data disk from his sleeve and hands it to Obi-Wan. "He sent an open message to the Temple. I'm sure he would have preferred sending it directly to you, but not knowing your private comm unit code---."

"That's enough, Mace. I suppose you saw it."

"Yes, and Yoda... and the communications tech who took the incoming call."

Obi-Wan stares at the disk in his hands. It's a small silver disk, like so many thousands passed around the Temple everyday, but I know its contents are anything but mundane. I want to rip it from Obi-Wan's hands. I want to slice it into bits with my lightsaber.

"Master?" Obi-Wan gets up from the chair to stand beside me. // Are you all right?//

// No, Obi-Wan. I am not.//

He looks into my eyes and I see his concern, but also an amazing determination and strength. Perhaps my thoughts were extreme and over protective. Obi-Wan is a strong young man and in a few short years he will achieve the title of Jedi knight.

He hasn't said a word, but his eyes searching mine say all I need him to.

"We need to be alone," I say to Mace and Garen though I do not take my eyes off my beloved.

Quietly our guests leave and the moment we are alone Obi-Wan falls into my arms. I hold him for a moment, marveling in the fact that only the day before this would not have been possible. I would not have been able to comfort him this way though I had wanted to for years.

"You want to listen to the message, don't you?" I ask him, pushing him away a little to look on him.

"Yes, Master," he says with a furrowed brow.

I nod and we go over to the commpanel. With only the slightest hesitation, Obi-Wan inserts the disk into the data readout drive. Almost instantly the image of Olan Kemp appears on the viewscreen. He has already changed out of his prison jumpsuit and into a simple, but elegantly embroidered black tunic. His smugness is all too apparent.

"Obi-Wan. Unfortunately this is only a one-way communiqué. I would've enjoyed seeing your reaction..."

I hit the pause key to stop the recording. "I don't think this is a good idea."

"Master," I say calmly and take a deep breath. "If he's out there, I want to know what he has to say. It could affect our safety in the future."

Qui-Gon puts his arm around my waist and his loving touch comforts me. His protectiveness and concern warms me, but it is imperative that I hear this message. It is a result of the path I chose. It is one more consequence from the imbalance my life had become. In order to heal completely and to find this journey's end I must listen. I must hear my tormentor's words one last time.

I restart the recording.

"... to seeing me again. I still think about that hot little ass of yours. How we used to fuck like Banthas in heat. Remember how you wanted to fuck me on the way back to Coruscant? What would that Jedi master of yours have thought? Maybe he would've wanted in on the action... Is he fucking you now? I'd be willing to bet that he is... I got a good look at him at Kryta's and at the trial and he certainly looks like he has---"

Qui-Gon stops the recording again. "That's enough, Obi-Wan."

"Master, please..."

"He's only interested in taunting you. This cannot help us."

Qui-Gon has a point. Olan is definitely only interested in himself and how he can continue to hurt others. But I feel surprisingly calm about seeing him again... as though it were my penance to do so.

"The message was sent to me. I want to hear it."

"You may want to, but I see no value in listening to the bragging, spiteful words of a convicted criminal," Qui-Gon says, his eyes ablaze with displeasure.

"It's a consequence of my actions. I should listen."

"Consequence? Since when must you suffer consequences for what was done to you?"

"I have to take responsibility. My actions led to---"

"No, I will not hear it, Obi-Wan. And I will not allow you to listen to this delusional man." He reaches over and ejects the disk, tossing it on the desk. "We've come too far to step back into the pit of Munto Codru again."

"But you wanted to go after him. You were arguing with Master Windu---"

Qui-Gon sighs. "I was not acting befitting your master, Obi-Wan, and for that I am sorry. I should have calmed myself before speaking."

I look up at him. He is so very beautiful, and none more than in this moment when his vulnerability is showing.

"You wanted to protect me." I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him to me. We hold each other for a moment and then I look up at him again. "You were acting as my lover, Qui-Gon."

He kisses my forehead. "Perhaps I was, but let's think about this as Jedi for a moment. We are dealing with a dangerous man... whether I like it or not the Senate will track Kemp in their own way."

I am silent for a moment thinking of Olan as a free man again. I can see him sitting anonymously in some busy café on an outworld, drinking coffee and smugly assessing the beings around him. He'll be looking for his next prey. He'll be looking for someone new to scam and use and tear down.

"He has his freedom," I say quietly. "How can this be over if he is free?"

Qui-Gon embraces me tenderly again. One hand strokes my hair, soothing me, while the other holds me against him. "He is not the first enemy of the Jedi to go free and he won't be the last. Justice is only delayed. It will come... in time."

"Part of me feels angry and hurt and wants to go after him... be the one to track him down and bring him back."

"And the other part?"

"The other part says it would be best to leave this matter to the Senate. That Master Windu is right... this is too personal a matter and we are too valuable a team to be spending our time tracking him."

"Good, Obi-Wan. You've accepted your feelings and have reasoned you should not act on them. It is a good lesson."

"A lesson in balance, Master?"

"Yes, and one that will be repeated again and again. The life of a Jedi is difficult. And though I don't expect you to forget what was done to you, I hope that we can look to the good that came from it."

Qui-Gon tilts my chin up and bends to plant a sweet kiss on my lips. His tenderness and affection fills me with an amazing strength. I know he is trying to soothe me of the unease this latest news has brought and I am grateful. I doubt if all our trials in the future will be handled this way, but it is good to know it is a possibility.

"This is what's good," I say, as I slowly pull out of the kiss. "Being here with you."

"Yes. This moment is what's important."

I get up and go into my bedroom, retrieving my lightsaber. When I return to the common room, Qui-Gon is standing there, holding Olan's disk in his hand. We look into each other's eyes and without a word he tosses the disk into the air. I ignite my blade and slice the disk as it falls, shattering it and melting it beyond use. I stare at its smoldering remains, feeling very much as though I've ended that chapter in my life once and for all.

Disengaging my saber, I toss it onto a chair and then meet Qui-Gon's gaze. He smiles and holds out his hand. I take it, letting him guide me to the bathroom where he turns the water on to fill the tub. We will bathe together for the first time, cleansing ourselves of the past and preparing ourselves for the future.

He turns to me and very slowly strips me of my clothes. This part of our relationship is so new that I stand frozen for a moment in awe of what we can now share.

He kisses my cheek as his hands push back my tunic off my shoulders, and then he kisses a line down the center of my chest to my abdomen. I'm shaking. I'm actually shaking under his touch.

// Do you want this, Obi-Wan?// he asks as he licks a circle around my navel and caresses the backs of my thighs.

"Oh, yes," I say, nearly breathless.

He smiles and brushes his beard over my bare skin, sending even more sensations skittering through my body. In the next breath he tugs off my pants and then stands to take off his own clothes.

"I think we could both use a relaxing, hot bath to begin our day. Don't you?"

"Yes, Master."

I'm standing before him naked and already fully aroused and wondering how this could ever be relaxing. Not when I want him like this. Not when memories of last night and this morning are still fresh in my mind and still vibrating over my body.

I watch him undress and again he is slow and deliberate with his movements. "If I didn't know better I'd say you're trying to distract me."

He steps out of his leggings. "Is it working?"

I chuckle and glance at my own erection and then his. "You have to ask?"

The bath is ready and Qui-Gon steps into the hot water and holds out his hands. "Join me, Padawan."

I take his hands and as we sit, Qui-Gon directs me to straddle his thighs. The water comes up to just above our waists and the dual warmth of our bodies and the water is very erotic. When our erections bump, I immediately take Qui-Gon's mouth in a fierce kiss and press closer until I am snug against his chest and our cocks are lodged between us.

My Obi-Wan sparks a fire in my belly. There is so much desire between us, so much passion when we kiss that I wonder how we were ever able to control ourselves in the past. The room is filled with the sounds of sexual hunger--gnashing teeth, moans and the sluice of water around us.

Our kisses seem meant to devour and our hands meant to brand as we explore each other, mapping and claiming. We have looked on from a distance with hungry eyes for so long that our lovemaking still seems a dream. With each touch we tell each other and ourselves that this is real.

And then, Obi-Wan makes it even more real by getting up on his knees and pulling my hips a little forward. He grabs my hardened shaft and places its head at his opening.

"Are you ready?" I ask, though I am still spinning from the ferocity of his kisses.

His only reply is a low, needy moan as he lowers himself onto my cock. The slow descent of his body over my shaft is insanely pleasurable. I guide him with hands on his hips, but he is in control and hesitates only once as he fully impales himself on me. We are joined and he is again on my mouth, kissing me with those sensual and kiss-swollen lips, driving me crazy with the feel of him everywhere.

// Obi-Wan,// I send to him as he begins to rise and fall on my cock.

// Qui-Gon.//

The water moves around us, splashing over the sides as Obi-Wan makes quick work of his need. It is beautiful watching him ride me. His face is flush and his eyes are almost black they are so dilated and passionate. He moves, grinds up and down on my cock, his hands on my shoulders and in my hair, loosening it out of its ponytail. His lips are on my forehead, my cheeks, my nose... and still he moves and moans.

We never take our eyes from each other. I look up at him, watching him move on me as I fill him, noticing how his lips are curled in the tiniest, lustful grin. And he looks down on me, telling me of his love and passion in those hot, wondrous eyes.

We are so concentrated on each other that neither us of notices how quickly we are building to climax. Though we are moving faster and breathing harder and burning for each other more and more, our orgasms hit with surprise and force, almost in the same moment. We cry out as our bodies explode in pure pleasure. Our muscles tense with the rush of warmth that courses through us.

"Incredible," I say through panting breaths as I slump against my master, my arms shaking as I embrace him.

Qui-Gon's face is buried in my chest and somehow he finds the energy to kiss me. "Mmm, Obi-Wan," he moans and I feel a tingle race through me.

"Making love to you is so incredible," I say even though there are no words that can adequately describe how I am feeling in this moment.

Each time we have made love I have felt my eyes, my heart and my mind opening to the beauty of the galaxy. Though I have always felt connected to other living things through the Force, Qui-Gon's love has made me feel even more intensely connected.

Our bodies are still joined and we are practically purring in our great satisfaction. Qui-Gon holds me and I lean down, pressing my cheek against his chest. I can hear his heartbeat. The steady rhythm sings of our oneness. Getting to this moment, to this acceptance and sharing of love has been a difficult journey, but the reward is so great that I almost don't mind. The bad memories will fade and change in time. Even Olan Kemp cannot spoil the happiness I have found in my master's arms.

I listen more intently to the beat of Qui-Gon's heart, pounding, pounding as it slowly returns to its normal rhythm. He was right to suggest a bath to relax us. He's always right in his gentle and wise guidance.

I lift my face to look into his eyes and brush my lips against his. "You are the center of my universe."

"And you are mine, love," Qui-Gon says and smiles, a smile that spreads from his lips to his eyes.

I look into my master's eyes, clear and blue, warm and inviting, and I reflect on the Tenet of the Code that caused me so much distress: 'There is no passion, there is serenity.' Some Jedi may take this literally. I certainly tried, but I no longer feel as if I've failed for not doing so. I believe I now understand the spirit in which that Tenet was written and I owe that debt to my master--my lover.

As my master, Qui-Gon guided me to serenity and as my lover he opened me to passion. We share love and truth now more honestly and more deeply than either of us dreamed possible. As Jedi and as men, we have created the perfect balance between duty and love.

I smile at him and my heart is full. "I love you, Qui-Gon," I say, and my smile brightens at the simple pleasure of being able to say those words to him.

"I love you, Obi-Wan."

Our passion for each other is balanced by blissful moments of serenity.

The End.