The Other Side

by Buffy ( gkb_00@yahoo.com )

Rating: G

Summary: Songfic that is a semi-stream-of-consciousness from Obi- wan, spanning from TPM to ANH to David Gray's "The Other Side"

Spoilers: none really

Notes: made up the actions between the fateful duel and the greeting of the Chancellor in TPM. Anything between // is song lyrics

Disclaimer: I own nothing about the song I borrowed. As for the characters, they're Lucas's, I just lust after 'em

Archiving: MA, WWOMB Index, all others please ask

Feedback: Yes please, but be nice. Onlist or off, I don't really care.

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
See you on the other side

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is

How was he supposed to feel? For the first thirteen years, he had only known fraternal love. Other initiates had been his siblings, and they had been close. And although the Crèche Masters were kind and attentive, they weren't parental figures. After age thirteen, Qui-Gon had become his everything. Father, friend, brother, brother- at-arms. And in the last few years, Obi-Wan had realized that he also had loved his master in another way, and that Qui-Gon had returned the feelings. But though each knew how the other felt, they hadn't acted, the time had not been right.

Another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
And now the floodgates cannot hold
All my sorrow all my rage
A tear that falls on every page

His rage at his helplessness, and at the fiend that had murdered his master had helped him survive the first few minutes of his battle with the Sith. Then there was only the grief. Obi-Wan wasn't sure how long he'd cradled the body of his master, unable to control his tears, all he knew was that when he managed to pull himself together, the battle had been over. He had emerged from the melting area carrying Qui-Gon's body, and gone straight to the hanger. The Naboo, including the Queen, had been there, congratulating Ani for destroying the droid control ship. Obi-Wan had stared at them from reddened eyes in a tearstained face, then had turned to wrap Qui-Gon in his robe. He wasn't sure how he had held himself together during and just after the Knighting Ceremony and funeral. But he had, or they wouldn't have let him take the boy as Padawan.

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side

He was only marking time until Anakin's knighting, when he would be free to join his love in the Force.

Maybe I oughta mention
Was never my intention
To harm you or your kin
Are you so scared to look within

He shouldn't have dismissed Anakin's dreams. If he hadn't, perhaps Shmi might have been found in time. But the advice he had given felt right. He was telling Anakin the same thing Qui-Gon had told him.

The ghosts are crawling on our skin
We may race and we may run
We'll not undo what has been done
Or change the moment when it's gone

The few times he had been back on Naboo since it happened, he wasn't sure how he had survived. The first time, after the events on Genosha, he had gone back to the place where they had fought. He had retraced the battle, and had again raced the forcefields. Again he lost the race. There was nothing he could have done, nothing other than not have gotten knocked off the catwalk.

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

Another friend lost, another charge failed. He had been in town to get some supplies, and had found a message, days old. Padme had died. Leia was fine, and Bail had promised that no one would know that she wasn't his biological daughter. He had grieved at Padme's passing, regretting the loss of such a bright and vital soul in the universe. But just as he had become "Crazy Old Ben Kenobi", the spirited former Queen and Senator from Naboo had become a heartbroken shadow of her former self. She had taken Anakin's fall very hard. Ben had taken it as he had taken everything, the surface emotions were true and strong, but a place in his heart was dead. It had been dead for many years now, since before he had taken Ani as his Padawan. He raised his hood as he made his way along the canyon. There was one more friend to mourn now, one more who would be there to greet him when he joined the Force.

I know it would be outrageous
To come on all courageous
And offer you my hand
To pull you up on to dry land
When all I got is sinking sand
The trick ain't worth the time it buys
I'm sick of hearing my own lies
And love's a raven when it flies

He had stretched the truth with Luke, he freely admitted it to himself. But he didn't allow his twinge of conscious stop him. He forced himself to squash the little voice in the back of his head saying that Jedi don't lie by remembering something his master had told him after stretching the truth during a particularly difficult negotiation: "Everything I said was true, from a certain point of view. Just as your focus determines your reality, your point of view can determine your truth." Obi-Wan would not fail the son as he had failed the father. Luke would be a Jedi

Meet me on the other side
Meet me on the other side
I'll see you on the other side

He recognized what the force was leading him to the moment he heard the mechanical breathing of Vader. Even as the death of Qui-Gon had forged his bonds to the light, his death would bond Luke to the light. A Jedi does not seek revenge, but a Jedi does seek justice. Luke would see the Sith Lord strike down his teacher, and he would not allow himself to become that which had destroyed the only person to encourage him. The balance would be brought. Even as he prepared himself, he recognized the space in him that did not feel. The part of his heart that had not felt anything since the blade of another Sith had killed his master. But as the crimson blade came towards him, it didn't matter. He felt nothing as the blade began to cut him, then he was in an entirely different place.

Honey now if I'm honest
I still don't know what love is

Obi-Wan let his focus on the world relax. The relaxing of his control over his emotions and actions felt strange. For so long, his entire existence had been defined with his control. Now, his emotions swirled around him: regret over the past, pride in Anakin and Luke, curiosity in what would come. Obi-Wan had wanted to stay a little longer, though. He'd loved Luke, as much as he was able to. He'd empathized with the young man's struggles. But something told him it was time to let go, so he did. The swirls of emotions around him ended abruptly, jarring Obi-Wan. As he took a step to regain his balance, he walked into someone's arms. Obi-Wan looked up to see who he'd run into, and gasped in shock. "You made the best of a bad situation, Padawan. I'm very proud of you." The welcoming light in Qui-Gon's eyes brightened as he leaned in and kissed Obi-Wan lightly. "Welcome home." And for the first time in a long while, Obi-Wan truly felt that he had come home. As he tilted his face up for another kiss, a small part of Obi-Wan's heart that he had thought long-dead began to warm with love.

End