Archive: Please, to M/A. Anyone else, just tell me where.
Category: AU, H/C, Angst
Rating: Hmmm ... Probably PG-13
Summary: After the tragic events of Naboo, Obi-Wan must break
the news of Qui-Gon's death to their young daughter. Much
heartache and reminiscing ensues.
Feedback: Pretty please, with chocolate Jedi on top? I'm trying
some new stuff for me, stylistically, so I'd love to hear how
it comes across. sheltiesongs@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm broke. I do this for free. The
merchandise belongs to George.
Warnings: Two big ones. First, this is a Baby!fic.
Specifically, a PregnantObi!fic. If that hits your quick
button, delete now or forever hold thy peace. Secondly, as is
implied in the summary, this also involves character death.
Also, I sent this out for beta, but I got impatient, so all
mistakes are my own.
I depart the transport … such a normal, routine action
for one such as me who has spent half a lifetime traveling
among the stars. But now, as I bid the pilot my thanks and a
soft "Force be with you," there is a foreignness to the
actions, a strangeness such as I have never before known. For
always, in this, I have had the strong and loving presence of
another at my side, my wise and gentle Master and mate. Until
Naboo.
I go through the usual motions, nodding to those I know,
offering quick bows to those I meet of the Master rank. Without
thinking of my destination, my strides somehow bring me to
where I'm requested to be. The door to the Council Chambers
opens; Mace Windu emerges with a sad and sympathetic look in
his chocolate eyes. He and the other Councilors had arrived
several hours hence, having taken an earlier transport. He,
almost more than anyone else, could comprehend my heartbreak,
for in losing Qui-Gon, he had lost one of his most cherished
friends and yearmates.
He reaches out a hand, gently resting it on my shoulder, and
gives me leave to go. "The Council can wait, young Knight.
There are other duties and priorities that are pulling you
toward them, I know."
Knight. The title feels as unfamiliar as does the empty place
behind my ear where my braid used to hang. The braid cut by
hands other than my Master's, whose achievement this title was
as much as mine. More so, for it was he who saw potential in an
angry young boy condemned to spend his life in farming, he who
trained me, nurtured me … he who loved me.
The title, this new life ahead … both as unfamiliar to
me as the missing braid and the raw wound in my mind where our
bond once dwelt and flourished.
I nod absently to Council Master Windu and turn and walk away.
Again, I am where I need to be, though how exactly I got there
remains a mystery to me. I guess familiarity leads us on,
sometimes, even when we are unaware of its guiding hand. Taking
a deep breath, I halt at the threshold, feeling dread in a
place I where in the past, I've felt only the keenest of
anticipation.
Squaring my shoulders, I steel myself for the task to come and
push open the door. Entering the Creche, I am immediately
enfolded in a bearhug born of grief-stricken desperation.
Creche Master Teira stands before me, her face streaked with
tears.
"I'd h … hoped it wasn't t … true." Her face
crumples as she tries to get the words out. Dear Teira. I've a
feeling that I'll be depending on her greatly in the days and
weeks ahead.
I caress the silky gray fur of her cheek, a futile attempt at
comfort. She takes my hand and gently turns me toward the block
table where the young ones are busily building towers. I feel a
ghost of a smile twitch my lips as I see my little daughter set
herself earnestly to the task. "How is she?"
"She reacted strongly when ... when it happened, and she's been
unsettled ever since. But I don't think she knows quite what's
wrong. She's so young …"
My daughter's hand wavers slightly, and I feel the quiet,
thoughtful probe of her Force signature as she tries to divine
the change in the air. She whips around, nearly falling in her
toddler haste, as a smile lights up her heart-shaped face. I
brace myself for the stab of confusion I know will follow even
as I sweep her up into my arms.
We named her Nykai. In Qui-Gon's language, the name means
'joyful spirit' and she surely is. We had not planned to start
our family so soon; Qui-Gon thought it best that I attain my
Knighthood first. But the Force sometimes works in strange
ways, even when the greatest of precautions are taken.
Circumstance had conspired to send him on a mission alone, and
caution was thrown to the wind upon his return. Nothing could
happen just this once, could it?
Our love-making had been fast and frantic, the bond between us
yearning for connection after the stress of our separation.
Afterwards, sweat-slicked bodies snuggled closely together,
we'd drifted off into exhausted slumber and shared dreams. I
still remember the nervousness I felt, as I lay in gray dawn's
light enfolded in my Master's warmth. Something had changed
inside me; I knew it instantly and instinctively. I could feel
the spark of a new life, and I will admit to a rush of
indecision and panic. It's not that I'd thought this couldn't
happen. I'd known it would; pregnancy is not just a possibility
but an inevitability in the males of my species. I'd just never
expected it to happen so soon, and nor too had Qui-Gon. What
would be his reaction? How could I break this news to him? He'd
have to be told soon. With is astonishing connection to the
Living Force, it would not remain a secret long. These thoughts
and more had raced unheeded through the corridors of my mind.
Then, with a soft caress of the mind and an even softer nuzzle
of my hair, Qui-Gon had awakened, stretching luxuriously. The
catlike movement suddenly stilled and his brow furrowed in
thought as he sensed my disquiet.
"Obi, what's the matter?" he'd asked, tenderly cupping my cheek
in his large, callused hand . The fathomless depths of his
sapphire eyes had trained on me, his entire being channeled to
focus on me in love and concern.
Unable to speak of the situation in words, I opened up our
bond, letting him see the truth for himself. My shock, my
incredulity, the fear and apprehension, and my underlying joy
… all of it was communicated to him on the wings of
thought and emotion.
Those deepset blue eyes had flooded with tears and I was
abruptly enfolded in his long, brawny arms with all the care
and tenderness one might show an injured bird. Gentle fingers
traced my body, mapping surfaces long ago memorized, and soft
lips and dancing tongue sought out my own. Then, reluctantly,
I'd pulled away. Suddenly fidgety, I picked at the sleep-couch
coverlet. As I'd opened my mouth to apologize, to say that I
hadn't meant for this to happen, the pad of his thumb moved
from where it cupped my cheek to gently silence me.
"Shhhh …" he'd murmured, stroking my hair with his other
hand. "This was … unexpected, but never for a moment
believe that I do not want this." The joy in his words was
echoed by the flood of warmth and happiness from his mind as he
once more wrapped me in his embrace.
Those early days seem almost dreamlike now, a miasma of wonder
and contentment. Looking back, I don't know if I'd ever seen
Qui-Gon so happy before. Everything seemed new, and precious.
My mate's eyes sparkled continuously, and how he hated to let
me out of sight! He was extremely protective of me, sometimes
overly so, but knowing he had only the best of intentions, I'd
laughingly acquiesced to each new restriction. Well ... almost.
I was none too happy when he'd unilaterally decided that all
missions, even those involving only the simplest of
negotiations, were off-limits to me for the duration of my
pregnancy. What was the man going to do, swaddle me in cotton
wool until my time came? When I'd ranted, protesting that, even
pregnant, I was a more than capable diplomat, he'd merely
wrapped his arms around me and dropped a kiss on top of my
head, his large hands resting lightly over my still-flat belly.
I can still hear the fervent adamancy of his quiet voice as he
murmured into my ear.
"Please bear with me, my Obi-Wan. I know that I seem foolish
and overbearing, but the very thought of something happening to
you or to our child turns my blood to ice. I could not bear it
if ..." and here he'd stopped, too choked up to go on, and
buried his face in the crook of my neck as he tried to regain
his composure.
Then annoyance of this new restriction forgotten in the face of
Qui- Gon's raw emotion, I'd covered his caressing hands with my
own. "I'm fine, love. Our baby and I are healthy and safe.
Everything will be all right, you'll see."
A soft whimper draws me from my reverie. Nykai looks at me
questioningly, her huge blue eyes puzzled as her small hands
gently pat my face.
"Where Ki?" she asks in childish innocence. At a year and a
half, she still isn't quite able to pronounce "Qui-Gon" so "Ki"
had become her special tag for him. How he'd delighted in the
nickname, and the dimpled smile which had ever accompanied it.
The little brows knit together as she catches the quick shaft
of emotion I can't quite suppress. "Obi sad. Why come?"
Oh, she is perceptive, this one! How can I explain to her
something I don't understand myself? I could no more comprehend
a lifetime without Qui-Gon than she could. He'd always been
there, so strong and solid ....
It had happened in the blink of an eye. Qui-Gon, using our time
off the duty rosters to instruct, had been called away to a
meeting with the other teaching Masters. I'd been left to my
own devices for the duration, and looked after him wistfully as
he rubbed my bulging abdomen fondly, kissed me softly, and
exited our quarters.
Sighing deeply once he'd left, I'd shifted uncomfortably for a
time, reaching for my datapad. While I was not permitted to
work in the field, Qui-Gon, ever the teacher, saw no reason for
my academics to be suspended.
Resting the datapad on my growing belly, I'd tried once more to
get comfortable. It was no use whatsoever. Furniture is most
assuredly NOT designed with the comfort of a pregnant man in
mind. And I still had another month to go! Giving up my studies
for the moment, I'd tossed the `pad aside and gritted my teeth
for the ordeal of rising. With a push and a groan, I'd lumbered
to my feet and padded into the refresher, thinking a soak in
the bath might feel good.
The last thing I remember clearly is thinking how glorious the
warm water felt as it soothed my aching spine and sore muscles.
The next thing I knew, I was lying flat on my back, opening my
eyes to look up into Qui-Gon's stricken, tear-stained face.
/What happened?/ I'd asked anxiously, finding mindspeech easier
than physical talk. With a soft gasp, my hands went to my
belly, which all of a sudden felt bruised and very tender.
"Obi ... " he'd gasped, his fear plain. "You f ... fell. I
heard you c ... cry out as ... as you went down. When I got
here you were on the floor, and so ... still...." His hands
stroked my hair and traced the line of my jaw as he tried to
regain some sense of control. Sensing my own growing fear, he'd
quickly composed himself and murmured soft reassurances.
"Everything will be okay, my Obi- Wan. Just lie still. The
healers are on their way." He'd nestled close, comforting me
with mind and voice and soft, gentle touches.
"Need ... need to ... turn over," I said breathlessly. Lying on
my back, the heavy weight of my distended abdomen compressed my
lungs and made breathing difficult. I struggled awkwardly for a
moment, unable to get enough leverage to roll over, then sighed
in relief as Qui-Gon carefully helped me onto my side. The sigh
gave way to a strangled cry as the pain in my belly intensified
and I felt the wetness between my legs, the warm flow of blood.
"Our baby," I whispered fearfully. "I can't lose her, Qui.
Please don't let my baby die!" My voice held a note of rising
hysteria.
Through it all, through his own fear and my growing panic, my
Qui-Gon remained calm and sure. projecting serenity and
reassurance that I clung to like a lifeline. Every time my
thoughts began to race with the knowledge that my baby was in
danger, he was there with his quiet, gentle voice., his mind
and soul ablaze with strength and love. Even through my fear, I
clung to the belief that everything would be okay, simply
because Qui-Gon Jinn willed it so, and when my master set his
mind on something, Force help whatever dared stand against him.
As much as his voice, his touch was my anchor. Cold and weak
with the ongoing blood loss, I clung desperately to those
large, strong hands. He pressed close to me, trying to warm and
heal all at once, and I knew everything would be all right as
long as he was there. I had a Padawan's whole-hearted trust in
his Master as much as a mate's soul-deep need for his lover.
Finally, after what seemed an eon, a Healer and her crew
arrived, a repulsor bed in their wake. Qui-Gon somehow managed
to maintain his grip on my hand as the cadre of Healers
flurried around me. That contact was the sum total of my
awareness at the moment. It was getting hard to concentrate on
much of anything.
Dimly, I heard snatches of conversation as we reached the
Healers' area. "torn placenta ... baby in some distress ...too
much damage ... need to deliver ... best wait outside, Master
Jinn."
At that, I'd let out a low, pained cry, blindly reaching out
one hand to clutch at Qui-Gon's robes lest he begin to pull
away. "Please ... need you ... don't leave."
"No." I remember the defiant vehemence of Qui-Gon's tone as he
stroked my hair, the other hand gently cupping my cheek. He'd
moved only far enough to clear a space for the healers, and I
began to settle again as I realized through the haze of pain
and disorientation that he had no intention of going anywhere,
Healer- requested or no.
"My Padawan and I are bondmates," Qui-Gon elaborated. "My place
is here. I will not leave him. Do whatever needs to be done,"
and here I felt his hands begin to tremble, "but I will remain
here." The rest of what was said is lost to me as I slipped
into unconsciousness.
As I'd come to, my thoughts felt slightly fuzzy ... muffled.
Then, like a shining ray, I'd felt Qui-Gon's joy, his
reassurance and anticipation light through my mind. I opened
sleep-heavy eyes and turned my head groggily toward my
bondmate. And there ... there she was, all tiny and scrunched
...she was breathtaking.
I don't know if I'd ever truly believed in love at first sight
before. Even my Qui-Gon and I took some time to come together,
first as Master and Padawan, and then as friends, and finally
as lovers. And it had each time seemed somehow sweeter for the
waiting.
But this ... this was completely different and totally new. As
I looked upon my daughter for the first time, my heart surged
with all of the feelings you read about ... fierce
protectiveness, utter wonder, unconditional love ... the love
was so boundless that it seemed able to encompass the entire
galaxy.
/Let me hold her/ I softly 'pathed to Qui, weakly holding out
my arms.
/I love you. I love you both/ he'd responded, tenderly laying
our daughter in my arms. He put his wonderful strong arms
around us both in love and support, happiness and contentment
radiating from every cell in him. /Don't either of you ever
scare me like that again!/ he'd admonished gently.
If only I'd thought to say the same to him.
Nykai's deep blue eyes, so much like Qui-Gon's, hold a puzzled
gleam and she looks at me steadily as I carry her back to our
quarters. "Where Ki?" she asks once again, more insistently
this time. So intent is she on an answer that she doesn't even
bother to ask to palm open the door as is her habit.
Steeling myself, I carry her into the little suite of rooms,
settling her in my lap as I sit on the couch. I try to figure
out just what to say.
"Ki had to go away, sweetheart," I say softly. [Sith, Obi,
don't make it sound as if he's just gone on vacation!]
"Sometimes people get hurt really badly and we don't get to see
them or talk to them again. That's what happened to Ki."
"Won't see again ever?" Her little voice is a disbelieving
whisper, and a single tear falls from one blue, blue eye.
"No, Nyk. Not the way that you and I are seeing and talking to
each other right now." My voice trembles, and I hold her close
and rub her back, trying to calm her as she begins to cry in
earnest. I doubt most children her age can truly comprehend the
finality of death, but then, most children her age have never
felt the spine- jarring wrench of a loved one leaving this life
to join the Force. And though the Force now comes an idea to
ease this news ... for both of us.
"We might not be able to see him or talk to him, Nykai, but
that doesn't mean he can't see us. He is part of the Force now,
sweetheart, an even bigger part than ever before." I pull back
slightly to brush her red-gold bangs off of her forehead and
wipe away her tears. "And you know what? I see him in your
eyes," and here my tone becomes mischievous, teasing, and I
start tickling her, "and in your smile, your laugh." Hugging
her close again, I whisper in her ear. "It is okay to cry. It
is okay to miss him. But know this. Always, always, we will
both love you."
We just sit there for awhile. I rock her in my arms through the
night, taking comfort in this most precious gift from my
Qui-Gon.
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