Star Wars Sextion 1: The Flaccid Menace

by Aphony Cree ( aphonycree@yahoo.com )

Archive: Master and Apprentice and the Bad!Fic site ( www.hawksong.com/~momskitchen )

Category: BAD Fic

Pairing: Q/O, sorta

Rating: Adult

Summary: This is my entry for the bad!fic contest but I did a little editing to the Yoda line in the challenge.

Disclaimer: George owns everything.

Warning: Do not read while eating.

Notes: Came in fourth in the BAD!FIC Contest.

A long time ago in a Galaxy way, way sexier than ours....

Star Wars Sextion 1 The Flaccid Menace

Turmoil has engulfed Master Jinn. The taxation of living with a rare medical condition while on a mission to an outlaying system has taken its toll. Hoping to resolve the matter before the Jedi went mad from his illness, Princess Mary Sue has taken it upon herself to cure the hunky Master of his malady. While the people of the planet S.L.A.S.H. waited in desperate need of the fallen Jedi to regain his strength so he could negotiate an alliance between them and the neighboring planet of HornyGayExhibitionists, the Jedi Council has decided to send Padawan Obi-Wan Ken obi, virgin and finest piece of ass in the galaxy, to assist his Master in this time of need.....

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Coruscant - Jedi Council Chambers

Obi-Wan Kneoib folded his arms in front of him, much like his Master, and gave the council his sternest glare, also much like his Master, before remembering he hadn't been called before them to explain about some mission gone awry, like he usually was. Come to think of it, he didn't even know why he'd been called before them. His Master had left weeks ago on a solo mission and, remembering that, he gave an inward groan, expecting at any moment to hear that Qui-Gon had found a litter of slightly underfed kittens and was refusing to aid in the negotiations until a proper law was passed that ensured the welfare of the planet's feline population. Usually Obi-Wank Enobi didn't let his Master go on missions alone, knowing his habit of going over-board when it came to pathetic life forms, but he'd just gotten the lead in the temple's spring musical, Jo-Seph and the Amazing Technicolor Lightsaber, and thought that just this once he could trust his Master to behave without him.

"Able to finish the negotiations, your Master is not," Yoda said. /Here it comes,/ Oi-Wan Kenobi thought, summoning to his mind the list of excuses for Qui-Gon's behavior he'd made years ago in case he needed one at the last minute. It had helped out on more missions than he could count but he wondered if it would work on the Jedi Council.

"Ill he is, go to him you will," Yoda finished with a wave of his hand, looking almost eager to shoo the boy away.

Obi-Ken Wanobi blinked for a moment, staring at the trollish Master. "He's ill?" he finally managed to say. "What is the nature of his condition? Should I consult with the healers before I leave?"

"Your Master will be able to... instruct you on the nature of his illness when you reach him." Adi Gallia spoke up reluctantly when it was obvious none of the other Council members were going to help the boy out. "It's the same illness he's suffered from most of his life."

"I'm afraid I don't know much about that," Pada-Wan Kenobi said, staring in confusion at the council. "I was told I wouldn't be old enough to study it until I'm 18 and because of that it was always Master Windu who saw to my Master when he took ill."

"Unfortunately Master Windu is no longer able to assist Qui-Gon in these matters," Adi said with sorrow. It had been almost two months since the beloved council member had passed away due to accidental electrocution while in the shower.

"The Sith-damned clerk had told me that vibrator was waterproof," Mace's Force ghost grumbled to himself, still refusing to give up his chair on the council even if he was dead. "But since I can't help your Master anymore, and no one else at the temple wanted the job, the council has decided that you are mature enough at 17 and a half..."

"17 and 5/8ths," the Padawan corrected.

"Whatever," Mace said with a wave of his silvery blue hand, "your transport is waiting, I'll be taking over your part in the spring musical so you needn't worry about that, may the Force be with you."

As obi-wan-ken-obi made his way to the chamber doors he almost thought he heard Mace mumble "You're gonna need it kid."

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Palace of the Society Leering At Scenarios of Homosexuality (known on nav charts as the planet S.L.A.S.H.) - Guest Chambers

He'd been 14 when he learned of his condition. Two cycles were spent in the healers ward while he was pinched, prodded, jabbed, and probed before finally being told that their first suspicion had been right all along (this seemed to often be the case in the healers ward and Qui-Gon was convinced they were all masochists that got off on whimpering Jedi). It was a rare disease known as Force Sensitive Erectile Disorder and it only had one symptom: the male who suffered from it couldn't achieve erection unless having sex with another Force sensitive being.

Since then it had plagued Jinn's life, turning him into a Temple slut with his never-ending need to prove his masculinity. He feared others would see him as less manly because of his condition and wanted to show them they were wrong as often as he could. Even when away from the temple this fire burned inside of him to seek out mates as often as possible and fuck them senseless. He would let no planet see him as anything less than a powerful, virile, hunky Jedi. Of course some missions took them to planets where an appropriate force-sensitive mate could not be found but that problem had been dealt with at an early age. He'd been nearing 17 when he and his Master had been sent on a long mission to a planet where all the Force sensitive citizens had been kidnapped. Thinking he could handle himself for one mission, Qui-Gon had insisted on going with. Two weeks into the mission, in an act of desperation, he had actually found himself in Yoda's bed, seeking out the only other Force sensitive being within reach to ease his enforced chastity. It had been a close call, Qui-Gon wasn't sure he could have stopped himself if his Master hadn't rolled over and said "Your sweet lovin, I must have!" accompanied by his usual chuckle. Two valuable lessons were learned that night. One is that Qui-Gon has the amazing ability to run with Force assisted speed even while half-asleep and with his pants around his ankles. The other is that they should never leave the temple without someone who could assist with Qui-Gon's illness if there would be no suitable outlet on the planet they were visiting. Of course lack of assistance did turn out to be a benefit on that mission. Driven to the heights of sexual frustration, Padawan Jinn had managed to track down the missing Force sensitives in record time, and bedded the most grateful of the group, also in record time.

When he researched the planets involved in his current mission and read of their openness to all things sexual he didn't think he'd have a problem handling the mission alone, in fact he was looking forward to not having to hide his activities from his Padawan. If only he'd been more thorough in his research he would have learned that the peoples of this star system were entirely Force blind. After 3 days in hyperspace alone, then 6 days on the most homoerotic planet he'd ever been to (surprising since it was populated almost entirely by females!) Qui-Gon Jinn was so ashamed of his constant lack of erection that he could no longer get out of bed. The shame of knowing this entire planet of homo-hungry people now knew he was sexually inadequate was unbearable.

The Princess, Mary Sue, had come to his chambers the night before and tried to assist him. She was Force blind, of course, but still thought she had talent enough to get him interested. She had removed her clothing, gotten into bed with him, and tried to rouse him by rubbing her chest in the Jedi's face while whispering sweet nothings like "Fill my ho-ho with your hot Jedi love stick!" Some sort of Hetero Alarm must have been triggered because a dozen guards came running into the room and hefted the still undulating princess off Jinn before he could fully register what was happening.

In the morning he received a formal apology from the Queen and was told that Princess Mary Sue would be sent to the Hutts and thrown to the rancor for treason. The Jedi protested, of course, saying that while her actions may not have been appropriate she was only trying to help. Treason, however, is listed in the S.L.A.S.H. constitution as "Any willful act leading to the possible outcome of an attractive male having sex with anyone other than another attractive male." A law had been broken that called for swift justice and who was Qui-Gon to interfere with the judicial process of this planet? It was a shame, of course, that her life could not have been spared but Master Jinn was secretly relieved that he wouldn't be waking up to a face full of tits again. The memory of those mammaries still haunted him.

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S.L.A.S.H. City - Landing Platform

Obi-Wan Niobe gently switched off the engines and stood up, giving himself a long stretch after his two hours in space. He'd made the trip much faster than his Master had because he'd recently read a data file by a pilot who had discovered that making the jump to hyperspace was a lot like dusting crops and you could get there in record time by using crop dusting maneuvers. He shouldered his pack and headed through the spaceport, feeling all eyes on him as he walked past the planet's citizens. Occasionally he heard things called out like "Shake it baby!" or "Does a toy come with that Happy Meal?" The Padawan pulled his cowl over his head and tried to hurry through the crowd. 'My Master is ill and he needs me,' he told himself to try to cover up the fact that he was practically running away from a gang of ogling women.

Tuning into his training bond to help guide him to the Palace, Obin-Wan Kenibo gasped at how ill his Master felt. 'Oh my poor, sweet Master!' he thought, quickening his pace. When he got to the Palace he was relieved to see a man at the entrance instead of another woman undressing him with her eyes. Of course, the man was also undressing him with his eyes but Obee-Won Kenobee didn't mind that at all because he was young and hot and had nothing on but a pair of leather pants (standard Palace attire for males, he would later find out). Xanatos Kenobi looked down, all thoughts of his Master driven from his head, in fact all thoughts of anything leaving his head when he saw the bulge in the sexy boy's pants and felt all his thinking shift to a different head, ya know, the one down south.

"You're undersexed," Obi-Kenobi Wan purred, dropping his bags and taking a step forward. "I can sense these things, I'm a Jedi, we have special powers." The boy whimpered as the fine young piece of Padawan before him pressed a palm to his crotch and gave a nice squeeze, not too hard but not too soft, just right. "What's your name?" he asked, leaning down to lick at one of the nipple rings.

"Gar, tay, ka!snu;?," he said breathlessly.

"That's an odd name," the mouth that had been sucking that succulent nipple said.

"My mother named me that to make sure I'd never end up in slash stories. All the weird punctuation would confuse readers so all of the writers are afraid to use me."

obI-waN kenobI stopped, hearing the head he was currently thinking with shout "NO!!!" just as the head he should have been thinking with fully understood what his partner had just said. "But then that means we can't..."

"I'm afraid not," he said sadly, pushing the sexy apprentice away from his tight and aroused body. "I promise to think of you when I masterbate."

The Jedi smiled at the compliment, then was reminded of his Master. "I must go now. My Master is very ill and I have to tend to him. Have a big bowl of bantha soup sent to his quarters, that always make him feel better." With that, Obi-Wan Skywalker grabbed his bags and ran through the Palace, following their bond to his Master's rooms.

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Master Jinn's chambers

A moan escaped the half-asleep Master as he felt a long absent sensation coming from his nether regions. His eyes widened in disbelief as his blanket began to rise toward the ceiling in a rather impressive tent. "My Padawan," he gasped, feeling the familiar Force signature rushing toward his room.

Obi the Wan Kenobi had barely opened the door when he found himself flung flat on the mattress and straddled by a very naked, very aroused, Jedi Master. "I have a bad feeling about this," he said as his belt was torn off with one Force assisted tug and his tunics ripped open. "Master! What are you doing!? The council said you were sick. They sent me to help."

"Yes, I am very ill, Padawan, and the only thing that can cure me is to fuck that hot, tight ass of yours. It's a very rare disease but I'm sure you'll become familiar with its treatment in no time."

"But the code..."

"The code? Don't tell me you're thinking about the blasted code at a time like this!"

"But article 37, section Q clearly states that any relationship of a sexual nature, engaged in by a Master and Padawan, has the possibility of negatively influencing the Padawan's training. Ergo..."

"Ergo? Oh Force, why can't you just lay there and try not to look bored like Mace used to do? The council sent you here with instructions to assist in my illness, did they not?"

"Yes, they said they felt I was ready to assume the responsibility in spite of my age."

"Then the council, knowing full well what treatment I require, has made the decision that this will not affect your training, ergo we can fuck like bantha." He threw Horny-Wan Kenobi's ankles onto his shoulders and started trying to undo the buckles, muttering curses in Huttese because that's the language all Jedi curse in.

Ben-Wa Kenobi lay back and considered what Qui-Gon had just told him. It is true that the council sent him so they must be okay with this. He was a little concerned about his Master's eagerness. He'd always imagined his first time would be slow and romantic, with flowers and passionate odes of adoration. With a sigh, Obi-Wan Canopy decided to just live in the moment and let the older man take the lead. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad. After all, he was getting a bit tired of masturbating. It had been thrilling when he was younger but by now he'd mastered the Hand Solo kata and was ready to move on. If the council didn't think he need wait until he was the age of consent then it must mean he was ready.

With twin thuds one, then the other boot hit the door as Qui-Gon flung them over his shoulders. He tossed his Padawan onto his stomach, tempted to just dive right in but the part of his brain that hadn't completely given over to animalistic need reminded him that some preparation was in order. He fumbled with the bottle of lube on his nightstand, muttering curses (again in Huttese) as it spilled over his fingers and onto the bedspread. It took all of his focus to keep from rushing the job.

As Obi "Wan" Kenobi lay there, his Master's thick fingers pumping in and out of his ass, he was overwhelmed by how much he loved this man. He'd had that feeling many times in his years as Qui-Gon's apprentice but never thought he'd be allowed to act on it. But now things were different. The council approved of, no, encouraged this relationship! Could there decision be based on more than just his Master's condition? Surely they would have had no problem finding a Knight who would be willing to tend to the sexual needs of such an attractive man. Instead they had violated the code and sent Oral-Wan Kenobi. It must have been a sign from the Force! It had told them that he and Qui-Gon were meant to be together! And if the council already knew then there was no reason to hide it any longer.

O.W. Kenobi looked over his shoulder and saw the look on his Master's face, a mixture of hunger and concentration, and felt his heart (and loins) burn for this man. "Master," he said, his cheeks flush with the excitement of finally getting to say the words he longed to say and hear the words he longed to hear, "I love you!"

"That's nice Padawan," he said distractedly, trying to add a third finger. "Now spread your legs, I can't get anything done with you laying like that."

With a sigh Obey-One Kenobi obeyed his Master just as he always did (it was in the Code, he had to). The fingers were removed, leaving him empty and yearning. "Oh yes, pop my cherry!" he cried out, raising his hips and thrusting his ass up enticingly. Qui-Gon was eager to comply but just as he was mounting his apprentice, the door slid open and the smell of Bantha stew filled the room.

The Master turned and saw a very attractive, half-dressed pretty boy saunter into the room. He flashed Ebay-Won Kendoll a familiar and lustful smile as he swiveled his leather clad hips and stuck out his ass more than necessary as he bent to put the bowl down. Qui-Gon felt his erection get harder and moaned at the thought of having two young lovers to take. "You know, Padawan, as long as you're part of the mix I would be able to perform with a non-Force sensitive partner. Why don't we invite your new friend to join us?"

"He can't stay," Obi-Gon Jinnobi said regretfully. "His name is too weird"

The boy nodded sadly. "It's true. And now I must go. If I stay too long she may be forced to put my name in the story again." With that, he fled before his undersexed body convinced him to stay in that room and beg the two hotter than hot Jedi to tie him over a chair and fuck him raw.

"Well that was a pointless interruption," Qui-Gon grumbled, getting back into position and thrusting inside in one eager stroke.

Ole-Ben Kenobi expected it to hurt, and it did, but in a good way. And then his Master started kissing and biting his shoulders, moving down his back as his beard scratched at the sensitive skin. It felt so unbelievably wonderful that at first he thought he might be dreaming. But, no, he couldn't be. Lately the only dreams he'd had were about that freaky red and black guy turning his Master into a Sith-kabob. It was creepy as hell and he'd spent a good amount of time that morning in meditation on it. Which reminded him, the Force had been VERY insistent that he do something today. What was it again? He thought really hard, trying to bring back the words the Force had whispered to him. 'Warn... Qui-Gon... about...'

"NO!" Oily-One Kenobi screamed, realizing that his Master was about to rub his beard down his side. "I'm very ticklish there, if you do that I'll jerk and might flip you off!" Phew, crisis averted, good thing the Force had told him to warn Qui-Gon about that spot or he might have gotten a nasty bump from hitting the floor.

At first, Obi-Whore Kenobi tried to take an active part in their lovemaking, but Qui-Gon was too eager and kept flipping him into new positions. Eventually, he decided to just lay back and not interfere, the man obviously knew what he was doing. Instead he tried to live in the moment, as his Master so often encouraged. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sensations washing over him. The pulsing in his penis that was growing harder by the minute. The rush of blood underneath his flushed skin. The spinning in his head and the feeling that his entire world had been turned upside down. "Master!" he gasped. "I knew it! I knew we were meant to be together! We're soul bonding, can't you feel it? I've read a ton of stories about it on the holo-net and I feel all the symptoms. Everything's spinning, upside down, it's incredible!!!"

"Padawan your head's hanging off the side of the bed."

Opening his eyes, Ibo-Naw Ibonek blinked a few times before he could focus on his upside down _expression in the mirror. "Oh. Nevermind." Not wanting to embarrass himself any further, Obi-Wan Canttouchthis decided to remain quiet for the rest of the fucking.

With a scream born of pent up frustration, Qui-Gon gave one final thrust, nearly pushing Obi-Wan Kanobey completely off the bed, as his penis twitched and spewed inside the young body it was currently inhabiting. A goofy, sated grin spread on the Master's face and he promptly pulled out and went to sleep, leaving Yoda-Wan Kenobi to tumble to the floor now that nothing was anchoring him to the bed.

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Several hours later...

Open-Wide Kenobi awoke, yet again, to renewed pain in his anus as his Master enthusiastically fucked him from behind. "Qui," he mumbled sleepily. "We've done it 17 times already. Can't you at least give me a break until morning?"

"I usually have sex 3 times a day, it's been nine days since I've had a partner, we need to make up for lost time."

With a groan, Obi-Whatshisname spread his legs further and snuggled back into his pillow as much as possible. He was somewhat proud that he had accomplished his mission to get rid of the flaccid menace, but it would seem his adventures in attack of the cock were just beginning.