Technical Difficulties

by Kathye (dubghall@aol.com)

Archive: MA

Category: Humor

Rating: PG, for the definitions, mostly

Warnings: Really big words, heading your way.

Summary: Qui-Gon faces the Master of Jedi Morals, concerning his apprentice

Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Ain't making money from this.

Feedback: If you want to, that would be nice.

Notes: A couple of weeks ago, I found "Depraved English" by Peter Novobatzky and Ammon Shea, which is a collection of obscene words that have fallen out of common usage. My first impression was "I can't believe there are words for these things." My second was "There's a fic in this." This one is dedicated to the WordGeeks. And thanks to Sar for the title!

"Come in Master Jinn. We are afraid this situation is quite serious."

The Jedi sat down reluctantly. It was never a comfortable feeling, facing the Master of Jedi Morals and Deportment. The Master only used the most technically correct language and was incredibly prudish as well. Qui-Gon always left the office feeling like an ignorant degenerate. Besides, with Master z'Rynzk's fourteen eyes floating randomly throughout his amorphous body, he was never sure where to look to make eye contact.

"We have been receiving some very troubling reports about your padawan. If he is not brought under control we will have to take drastic measures."

"Troubling reports?" Qui-Gon frowned. "I haven't heard anything. His grades are good and I have no issues with his training."

"It is lamentable, how the master is the last to become aware of problems. It concerns ... coitus."

Qui-Gon resisted the urge to sigh. The sexless Agameon never truly understood sexual desire and urges. It considered anything other than asexual budding to be disgusting.

"We understand that coitus is considered an imperative for you vertebrates but Obi-Wan's actions are excessive." It sloshed in its chair, hesitating. "We are sorry to tell you that he is accused of being a franion."

"A fran..."

"Yes. He apparently has problems with tentigo."

"Are there antibiotics he could take for that?"

z'Rynzk looked annoyed ... maybe. Qui-Gon had a hard time reading the body language of the other Jedi, since it had no body.

"Master Jinn, we do not believe you are taking this seriously. These are very troubling charges. Examine the inventory of accusations."

It turned its computer screen so the human could read it. The list filled most of the screen.

"Obi-Wan is accused of frottage and sacofricosis in public. He has compulsive apodyopsis and it is obvious during his classes that he is indulging in nympholepsies. He is a lecheur and irrumates at any opportunity." Qui-Gon was surreptitiously trying to enter these words into his hand-held computer. "And for some strange reason, he has been working on strengthening his cremaster muscle. The demonstrations he gives in the showers are reportedly quite amazing."

The protozoan Jedi slapped a pseudopod onto the desk in emphasis. "This is definitely a case of edeomania. If he cannot be restrained, we will have no choice but to infibulate him or prescribe anaphrodesiacs. We may even have to go so far as a peotomy."

Qui-Gon blanched as he read the definitions scrolling by on his computer screen. "Surely this matter is exaggerated, Master z'Rynzk. Obi-Wan is indeed an active young man, but he is completely normal."

"Only if you consider it normal that he has had sexual relations with all of the padawans of legal age and many of the younger knights, not to mention the Temple maintenance and catering staffs. And he is well known to the aides at the Senate. And the Republican Guard. And the Coruscant Gytanball team. We could go on."

With each word Qui-Gon slumped farther forward. "I had no idea. What can I do?"

"Master Jinn, believe that this is as embarrassing to us as it is to you, but we must ask something. " The Agameon squirmed in its seat. "Do you have a normal sexual relationship with your padawan?"

Qui-Gon stood, straightening to his full height and glaring at the other Jedi. "I must assure you, I have no sexual relationship of any kind with my padawan."

"Why not? He is a callipyge and not the least dasypygal. Are you not attracted to him?"

"My feelings toward Obi-Wan are a personal matter, and I resent that you would accuse me of breaking the Code in this way."

"Breaking the code? But..." z'Rynzk turned slightly purple in confusion. It touched the screen in front of it and set several eyes to reading the information. Finally, it turned all of its eyes to Qui-Gon. "We understand. You were Master Yoda's padawan."

Qui-Gon narrowed his eyes warily. "Yes, but I don't see..."

"It is noted here that Master Yoda suffers from stasivalence. Given your height differences, it would have been difficult for the two of you to have a sexual relationship. In order to spare your feelings, he was given permission to tell you that such relationships were not permitted."

Slightly stunned, Qui-Gon slowly sat down on the edge of his chair and leaned forward. He whispered, "It is permitted, then?"

"More than permitted, it is expected. The Force exercises that upper level padawans practice can infuse them with large amounts of excess sexual energy. They often need help from their masters to dissipate it."

"I thought that Obi-Wan would handle it the same way I did, with meditation and masturbation."

"No, instead he is using the entire population of Coruscant." It sent a pseudopod out to pat Qui-Gon on the shoulder. "We must say that we are pleased to learn of your ignorance. We were worried about you. It seemed that you and your padawan were imparlibidinous, and there was much discussion as to why."

"Discussion? Who...? No, don't tell me, I really don't want to know." Qui-Gon leaned back and covered his eyes.

"Some thought you might be reluctant to penetrate your apprentice because you are mentulate. However, most reports say that Obi-Wan is quite meable."

"Meable?" Qui-Gon repeated slowly, peaking through his fingers. "That is good to know."

"Still others were concerned about your health. You are of middle age for your species."

"I am in perfect health and not that old!"

"You are not elumbated? Do not suffer from phallorkinosis?"

"No! Certainly not!"

"Because, if you are, we could certainly feague you."

Qui-Gon jumped to his feet and started backing toward the door, speaking very quickly. "Oh, I couldn't ask you to go through the bother. Thank you for informing my of my padawan's problem, but I can handle everything from here." He escaped into the reception area, and as z'Rynzk oozed into the doorway, it could see the other master running down the hallway in a quite unseemly manner.

Well, it could address that at the next meeting of the Morals and Deportment Committee. It turned to the Jedi in the waiting area. "Come in, Knight Tyral, and let us discuss your maschalephidrosis."

THE END

VOCABULARY (And why do all my fics end with a list at the end?)

Franion /FRAN-yun/  -  A man of loose behaviour, a pleasure seeker
Tentigo /ten TIE go/ - Excessive lust; inordinate desire for sex
Frottage /FROT ij/  -The practice of rubbing up against another person while 
clothed, in the pursuit of sexual gratification
Sacofricosis /sak o frik O sis/ - Habitually rubbing one's genitals through 
one's pants pockets
Apodyopsis /ap o die OP sis/ - The act of imagining someone naked
Nympholepsy / NIM fo lep see/ - An erotic daydream trance
Lecheur /lay SHIRRH/  -A licker of genitals
Irrumate / ih roo MATE/  - To insert one's penis into someone's mouth
Cremaster /krem ASS ter/ - One of the muscles responsible for pulling the 
testicles up into the body.
Edeomania /ed ee o MAY nee uh/ - An obsession with genitals
Infibulate /in FIB yoo late/ - To fit with a chastity belt or otherwise tie 
down or lock up a person's genitals to prevent him or her from having sex
Anaphrodesiac /an aqf ro DEE shee ak/ - Something that acts against sexual 
desire
Peotomy /pee OT o mee/ - Amputation of the penis
Callipygian /kal ip EYE gee an/  - Having nicely shaped buttocks. Noun form 
is callipyge
Dasypygal /dass ip EYE gull/  - Hairy-assed
Stasivalence /stuh SIV ul lence/ -  The state of only being able to have sex 
while standing.
Imparlibidinous /IM par lib ID in us/ - Pertaining to an unequal state of 
desire between two people
Mentulate /MENT yoo late/  - Possessing a large penis.
Meable /Mee uh bull/  - Easily penetrated
Elumbated /el UM bay ted/  - Weak in the loins.
Phallorkinosis /fal or hik NO sis/ - The shriveling of the penis with old age.
Feague /FEEG/ - To insert an energizing suppository into the anus of a horse
Maschalephidrosis /mass kuh lef id RO sis/ - Runaway armpit perspiration