Disclaimer: Characters portrayed within belong to George Lucas
and LucasFilm
Categories: PWP, humor (I hope)
Notes: Inspired by the recent search for synonyms and
discussion of cliches of shame.
Rating: NC-17, I guess (if they showed this in a movie, that's
what it would be)
Summary: Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon discuss the naming of things.
Warnings: No beta, and I'm on cold medication. You have been
warned.
"Yes, Obi-Wan! Oh, yes! Suck my cock! Lick it right there! Lick
my cock, take my hot cock into your mouth! Oh.....oh....
Obi-Wan?"
Instead of warm lips, the Jedi master was feeling cold air
caressing his erection and there was an odd vibration coming
from the end of the bed. With an effort, Qui-Gon raised his
head to investigate. Half laying over his legs, a hand covering
his mouth, his apprentice was shaking with laughter.
"Do I amuse you, Padawan?"
Obi-Wan looked up at him, a broad smile on his face. "I'm
sorry, master, but I suddenly found the word 'cock' to be
incredibly funny. Cock, cock, cock, cock, cock." He laughed
again. "I really can't explain it."
"Well, perhaps I should use another word? How about 'penis' or
'erection'?"
"Those are terribly clinical words. Now I feel like I'm in
humanoid sexuality class again. I half expect to see Master
De'Brini with her visual aids walk into the room." Obi-Wan
continued in a higher pitched, quavering voice. "This, class,
is a model of the human penis in its erect state. After an
erection is achieved, it may be inserted into a woman's vagina,
either gender's anus, or either gender's mouth. It may also be
manipulated by hand. If you would like to take the model for
closer examination, be sure to see me after class."
Master and apprentice looked into each others eyes, realized
that they had made a mental connection between the tiny 120
year old Celthan woman and sex, and shuddered simultaneously.
"Well, there must be something I can call it that you won't
make you laugh. I'll develop an inferiority complex if you keep
laughing at it."
Obi-Wan examined the massive object that rose from between his
master's legs. "You, inferior? This thing would make a
Wookie feel mediocre."
"Be that as it may, I have to call it something. How do you
feel about 'my 12 inches of love meat'?"
His apprentice raised an eyebrow. "You mean you've actually
taken the time to measure it? You've gotten it into this state,
then stopped and measured it with a ruler? I can't imagine the
restraint it would take."
"Well, it's actually more of a rough estimate."
"Ah, that explains it, then."
"Explains what?"
Obi-Wan hesitated and tried to look innocent. "Just as an
estimate, I don't think I would have said 12 inches, master.
Ten, perhaps."
"Obi-Wan...."
"Ten and a half, maybe. Let me get my tape measure, and we'll
see for certain."
Before he could get off the bed, Qui-Gon grabbed him by the
wrist and held him still.
The younger man sighed and pasted a resigned look on his face.
"Fine. With no scientific proof and with the understanding that
official objections have been lodged, I will accept 12 inches."
Obi-Wan pointed a finger at his master. "But I must take
exception to 'love meat'. That's too silly for words."
"Throbbing manhood?"
"I think I read that in a really bad Alderaanian romance that
Bant lent me."
"Thrusting manhood?"
"What makes you think that changing the adjective will make it
any better?"
"Meat case?"
"That seems terribly crude."
"Pale ivory tower? Honey-hued column?"
"Getting poetical in your old age?" Obi-Wan snorted. "You're a
man, not a building."
"I'm beginning to run out of terms, Padawan. 'Little Qui-Gon?'
'The package?' 'The goodies?' 'The equipment?' "
His apprentice gave up and flopped out on his back, laughing
again.
"Could you accept 'sex muscle'? What about 'the missile of
love?' Would you consider 'my manpiece', if I asked you
nicely?"
Obi-Wan was now curled into a ball at the foot of the bed,
struggling to breathe, tears of laughter streaming down his
face. Qui-Gon waited. Eventually his apprentice calmed down and
sat up again, drawing in shuddering breaths. The master leaned
forward, took Obi-Wan's face in his hand, stared deeply into
his eyes and whispered, "Snack pack."
Obi-Wan howled with laughter, leaned backwards and fell off the
bed with a loud thud. He swiftly reappeared and crawled across
the bed towards Qui-Gon, a predatory expression on his face. He
bent down and started kissing the inside of his master's knee,
slowly drawing his tongue up the older man's leg. When he
reached the crotch, he buried his nose in the wiry curls and
inhaled deeply. He started to take tiny licks around the base
of the object in question.
"I think I know what I shall call this, master."
Qui-Gon leaned back on his elbows, shuddering at each touch,
breathing heavily. "Please ... ah ... enlighten me ...
Padawan."
Obi-Wan placed light kisses up the underside of his master's
shaft, then swirled his tongue around the head. In a husky
voice he said, "I think I shall call it 'mine'." He took the
head into his mouth and sucked hard.
"I...can.. live with.. that, Obi-Wan."
The younger man sighed and glanced up. "If you can still form
coherent sentences, I'm doing something wrong."
"Perhaps I just need something to keep my mouth busy."
"Ah, your mouth and the little general will meet up soon
enough."
"You call it 'the little general'? Why would you..."
All rational thought ended as Obi-Wan swallowed his entire
length.
As his world dissolved into bright lights, Qui-Gon caught a
stray thought. Ten and three-quarter inches, max. I wonder
if I could get him down to the labs to use their calipers.
Beyond speech, the Jedi thought back, Best to let it remain
a mystery, Padawan. We wouldn't want the little general to
become jealous. He felt teeth lightly graze his cock, and
his mind was sent to a place where the names of things did not
matter.
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE
I didn't come up with all of these lovely synonyms. Here's who
did (or who I was inspired by). Anyone I've forgotten - I'm
sorry - blame it on the cold medication that's keeping me up
this late.
Fi 8 inches of throbbing meat
Wolfe Throbbing love muscle
'Pet Missile of love
Mac thrusting manhood
Pfyre manpiece
Mina64 Package
Michelle throbbing manhood and my 12 inches
Keelywolfe 12 inch throbbing love meat
Christy (or Christy's friend) package, goodies, equipment, meat
case and snack pack
Francesca pale ivory tower and honey-hued column. Also the joke
"They're men, not buildings"
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