Master Apprentice 
Archive
Survivor
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Author's webpage: https://www.squidge.org/~pumpkin
Category: humour
Pairing: Q/O
Rating: G
Warnings: none
Spoilers: none
Feedback is always a treat
Disclaimers: Lucasfilm, Lucasfilm, Lucasfilm
Notes: I missed Survivor the first time out, but got sucked into watching the first episode of the latest one. SO I was sitting there, thinking it would take wy more than the chance at a million dollars to make me go through that when I began to wonder what would happen if Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan were participants. But then I forgot about it, right? Obviously not. Out of cold-medicated limbo, I give you Survivor, A Galaxy Far Far Away style. And I humbly beg your forgiveness in advance.
Announcement: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this update on the Survivor Grudge Match from Fode and Beed.
Beed: We're coming to you from the studio at GalacticNet for the Tatooine/Coruscant Survivor Grudge Match. Yesterday, in an unprecedented move, the team from Tatooine gave up the immunity flag, which they had clearly won in the first contest and proceeded to vote Master Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn, by a unanimous vote, from the planet. We took our cameras in to find out just what happened.
Fode: This is Shmi Skywalker, slave and sometime virgin. Can you tell us, Shmi, why you voted against Jinn.
Shmi: I didn't like the way he was eyeing my son.
Beed: And you Mr. Maul-
Maul: That's Darth Maul.
Beed: Of course, of course. Can you tell us Darth Maul, why did you vote Jinn off the planet?
Maul: It was him or me.
Fode: And this little lady is Padme. What did Jinn do to earn your enmity?
Padme: He just came in and started ordering everyone around. And I didn't like the way he was looking at Anakin. They're going to bring in a cute nineteen year old to play him in the next match and that boy is mine.
Fode: Well, thank you your majes- I mean your handmaideness. Who have you got next, Beed?
Beed: This is Watto, one of the local business men, who will gamble pretty much anything. Money is the name of his game. So tell me Mr. Wattoo why then did you vote to oust the survival expert Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn?
Watto: He tried to mind whammy us all into carrying his luggage -Nass' back is still out.
Fode: And speaking of Nass, I have him here now. Boss, what's your story?
Boss Nass: Any friend of Jar-Jar's is trouble.
Fode: Well there you have it, blackened by association. What's that? We've just had word that Jar-Jar Binks was caught trying to leave the planet. Do we have him on satellite, can we talk to him?
Beed: Indeed, here he is now. Mr. Binks can you tell us why you were trying to leave the planet?
Jar-Jar: Meesa having life debt with Jinn. Meesa hasta go wis 'im -demanded by the gods it is!
Fode: Is that why you voted him off the planet -so you could go with him?
Jar-Jar: No, no, no, meesa not vote for Jinn to go, meesa vote for him to stay.
Beed: Thank you, Mr. Binks. Say Fode, do you think we should tell him he got the voting backwards?
Fode: That would be interference, Beed, you sly Hutt. Let's move on to the next participant. Anakin Skywalker what's your story - why get rid of Jinn?
Anakin: He kept spouting all that listen to your heart/let your focus determine your reality crap. And did you see how calm he was? There's something fishy about a man who can't yell Yippee! now and then. Besides, I think he was making moves on my mom.
Beed: Well there's just one participant left to talk to -Obi- Wan Kenobi. Tell us, Obi-Wan, isn't Jinn your teacher?
Obi-Wan: Yes.
Fode: In fact, were you not only his apprentice but also his padawan.
Obi-Wan: Yes.
Fode: According to our sources padawan means shield brother, bedslave, lifemate, boot licker or maid. Perhaps you can clear this up for us, which is it?
Obi-Wan: All of the above.
Beed: Well, we have to tell you Obi-Wan that some of our audience members believe that you and Jinn are in love. Is that true?
Obi-Wan: Yes.
Beed: Then why would you vote him off the planet?
Obi-Wan: I didn't like the way he was looking at the boy.
Fode: Well there you have it, from the Tatooine contestants, in their own words, why they voted Jinn out. Lets turn to the Coruscant team and get some reactions. Beed?
Beed: Indeed. The Coruscant team had in fact lost the immunity challenge, but have become the beneficiaries of the unexpected move. Some say that this man here, Mace Windu, windbag, uh, that is, member of the Jedi High Council, is in fact only here today thanks to the Tatooine team's desire to oust Jinn. Mace, what have you got to say about this turn of events?
Mace: You've seen Qui-Gon's hair. Nobody trusts a man with a head of hair like that.
Fode: Well there you have it, bald is beautiful. I've got another Jedi Council member here with me and he seems to feel he has the answer.
Mundi: Jinn has always followed his own path, he is rebellious and stubborn. No one should be surprised that this has happened.
Fode: And what about you Master Yoda, what have you got to say on the subject?
Yoda: Too tall, my former padawan is.
Beed: Say Master Yoda, we were told that padawan meant, among other things, lover.
Yoda: It does. Why do you think I said former padawan?
Beed: Why did you split up with Jinn?
Yoda: Hear me you did not? Too tall he is.
Fode: Moving right along, we have here with us now Senator Palpatine. Tell us, Senator, don't you find it strange that the Tatooine team would get rid of the person best equipped to help them win this grudge match? It's almost as if there was outside influence at work.
Palpatine: No comment.
Fode: Well how about you, Chancellor Valorum?
Valorum: Well, I don't know the man personally, but as this is a very unique and unusual situation, I would be happy to form a committee to look into the matter.
Fode: Thanks, Chancellor, but I think we'll pass on that for now, we do need to keep our ratings up! Beed, who else have we got to speak to from Team Coruscant?
Beed: This is Bruck Chun, an agemate of Obi-Wan's. Do you have any comments on Jinn's ousting?
Bruck: He should have chosen me all those years ago -I would never have voted against him.
Beed: And this is Xanatos, Vice-President of Affairs for Offworld Corporation. What are your views on this matter?
Xanatos: I've been saying all along that my turning was his fault. Maybe now people will start to believe me.
Fode: I've got the slashfen with me at the moment -what do you have to say about this surprising turn of events? We all know you're avid watchers of the Master/Padawan pair, how does Jinn's ousting and Obi-Wan's vote against him affect that?
Slashfen: Think of the angst!
Fode: And moving right along, Mr. Lucas, you more than anyone should have some insight into this situation.
George: Someone had to go.
Beed: And there you have it folks. Once again, we repeat: in an unprecedented move the team from Tatooine have given up immunity in order to unanimously vote Qui-Gon Jinn off the planet. Stay tuned to GalaxyNet for all your Survivor Grudge Match updates. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
End.