Master Apprentice Archive Stretched Quick search:

Archive: M_A. If anyone *actually* wants this, then, yeah, you can have it.

Category: Humor, Parody

Pairing: Can't tell you. It'd spoil it.

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Major squick. This is the result of an AIM conversation where we were trying to out-squick the other. We think the end result is rather humorous, but we're both rather squick tolerant.

Disclaimer: The boys are George's but God knows he'd never put them in this particular situation.

Feedback: Definitely. I (Nike) normally won't accept the "Eww, that's sick" type of feedback but, considering the nature of this particular fic, I'll take anything, even if all you do is inform us that you ran screaming from your computer.

Nike's Author's Note: This is a shameless attempt to squick people in search of those rare individuals who are truly tolerant of squick. Franzi let me put it up. That, and I wanted something simple to break the ice for my first fic at m_a. Don't worry. This isn't my usual fare.

Franzi's Author's Note: I think Nike said it already, this started out as an attempt of me trying to squick her, thinking that she'd be easy to squick. Alas, it turned out that she isn't. and this grew out of it. We know that whatever happens in this story is. uhm. impossible. And this is definitely *not* the kind of story I usually write. And please don't kill us for this.

Summary: Oh, just go ahead and read it. if you dare.

Our story starts with four Jedi, an alien, and a table. The youngest of the four Jedi is having trouble with his new lover's. ah, size and the three Jedi Master's offer to help. stretch things a little. Yoda: "No! Do that right, you do not! Stretch him this way, you must!"

Obi: "Are you finally done down there?"

Qui: "Not quite, Padawan. Just one more fist."

Mace: "I think he's stretched enough."

Qui: "Then move your fingers, Mace."

Mace: "I can't. Your fist is in the way."

Qui: "Well, I can't move, either."

Mace: "Oh, please don't tell me you're stuck!"

Obi: "You can't tell me you are all stuck down there?!"

Qui: "Umm... well..."

Obi: "Force, can't you do *anything* right?!"

Qui: "Patience, Padawan. It's not like the time with the glue..."

Mace: "Glue, Qui-Gon?"

Qui: "Shut up, Mace."

Obi: "Oh, don't you start, Master!"

Yoda: "Hmph. Let me out of here, you will! Seen enough of Kenobi's ass I have!"

Qui: "We'll get you out as soon as we can get our fists out, Master Yoda."

Obi: "I can't believe this!"

Obi: "This is your fault, Dex!"

Dex: "Don't blame me. I'm not the one stuck inside you."

Qui: "Dex, maybe if you could spread those cheeks a bit, we would have a bit more room inside here"

Yoda: "Hrmph. Make fun of me, you should not!"

Dex: "Here." Pulls on Yoda's ears.

Yoda: "Ow, my ears these are!"

Mace: "I think something's moving."

Obi: "Would you please stop talking inside me, Master Yoda?"

Qui: "Those are my fingers, Mace."

Obi moans as someone punches his prostate.

Obi (desperate) "I'm getting impatient here... maybe you should get help or something?"

Dex: "Maybe if we squirted some butter up in there?"

Yoda: "Food I am not. Butter me down, you will not!"

Obi: "Oh no, you won't stick butter in my ass!

Mace: "What did we use for lube?"

Qui looks around and pales. Silence ensues.

Obi: "Oh, no. Don't tell me. The glue."

Obi: "If you ever get out of me again, I'll have to kill you"

Yoda: "Medical help necessary is!"

Mace: "He's mad."

Qui: "How can you tell?"

Mace: "His grammar becomes even worse."

Obi has a deep red face

Obi: "If you think Yoda is mad, ask me about it!"

Dex: "Gee, Obi. I'm sorry. If I'd know this is what would happen when we asked for help..."

Obi: "*I* am the one who has you all stuck inside!"

Obi: "Better get some medical help, Dex!"

Qui: "There, there, Padawan." Kisses Obi's sore ass.

Dex: "Okay, Obi-Wan." Lumbers off in the wrong direction.

Obi: "What? Do you think that this will make it bet... DEX! That's the wrong way!"

Dex: pauses. "How about I just carry y'all to the med wing?"

Obi: "And let the whole Temple see us?"

Yoda: "Move me you will not!"

Qui: "Yes, we've already found that out, Master Yoda."

Yoda: "Mean it that way I did not. Whack you if reach my gimmer stick I could."

Mace: "Where is your gimmer stick?"

Obi: Pales. "Don't tell me that's in there too!"

*everyone looks around*

*silence*

Qui: "Well, I can't see it..."

Mace: "Wait. I think I can feel it."

Yoda: "Hand off my foot, you will get!"

Obi: "Oh this is so great...."

Several hours later...

Mace: "Remind me again why we haven't called the medics?"

Obi: "Well, I would like to have that question answered too!"

Qui: "We can't reach the comm and Dex left to find help hours ago."

Yoda: "Hmph. Lost he is!"

Obi bangs his head repeatedly against the table he's lying on.

Obi: "I don't know about anyone else, but I'm starving."

Qui: "Oh, no you don't. You eat, then you'll have to use the 'fresher."

Yoda: "About food thinking I am not."

Obi: "It wasn't my idea to use the glue!!"

Mace: With weary sarcasm. "Please, Master Yoda, enlighten us."

Yoda: "Whack you I will. When out here I am."

Qui and Mace exchange glances.

Yoda: "Saw that, I did! Whack you both now when out I get!"

Qui: "Mace, if you'd quit sweating-"

Mace: "Can't help it Qui. You're Padawan's really warm inside."

Obi: "Well, I'm not to blame for that!" *continues banging his head*

Mace: "Wait! I think I'm coming loose!" Mace removes his hand.

Obi: "Oh thank the Force!"

Qui and Yoda slowly wriggle free.

Obi sits up and wails. "Great, I'm stretched and Dex isn't here!"

Qui: "Well, we could always help you next time..."

Obi: "You can't be serious about that!"

Mace: "Forget it. I'm going back to the Council Chamber. It's a whole lot safer."

Yoda whacks Mace and Qui with his gimmer stick.

Yoda: "Hmph, Ask your boyfriend for help next time you will!

Obi: Coyly. "Which one?"

Obi: "Besides, my so called "boyfriend" was the one who was stupid enough to use glue."

Obi: "twice!"

Qui: "Nothing like glue to teach patience." Everyone stares at him. "What?"

~~FINIS~~