Master Apprentice
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It didn't take very long for wedding preparations to be well under way and within a couple weeks Obi-Wan hesitantly confided in Qui-Gon that his half-sister didn't know how to dance and she wasn't willing to tell anyone, least of all her fiancée. Qui-Gon quickly got Obi- Wan to admit he couldn't dance either and offered to teach them both. Obi-Wan, of course, hurriedly tried to get out of it, but the older man deftly pointed out two partners would be needed and all Qui- Gon needed to do was teach the steps. The young man eventually gave up his protest, and so Qui-Gon set a time to meet, and a place in an unused, empty room to begin dancing lessons.
A couple of days later, and wearing only a loose shirt and snug leggings, Qui-Gon silently let the two into the empty room; hiding his secret pleasure at the way Obi-Wan eyed him over. Obi-Wan only seemed to openly appraise him when he thought no one would notice.
`Shall we begin?' He gave a warm smile. `Let's start with you, Eilwen. You are the bride.' Qui-Gon went and stood side by side with her. `Try to copy what I do. First you need to start in the right position, so put your feet the same way I have mine,' Qui-Gon said before carefully showing her how the curtsey, and then dance the first few steps of the bridal waltz. He lead her through it a few more times before she started to get the idea. `Keep practising while I put Obi-Wan through his steps,' Qui-Gon told her, and then moved to Obi-Wan, showing him patiently how to bow and dance his steps.
Obi-Wan fumbled and jerked and quickly lost his patience. `This is useless,' he growled slightly.
`No it's not. You're just not use to it,' Qui-Gon said patiently. `Everyone starts with two left feet. Some pick it up quicker than others and, as a general rule, children learn faster than adults. Their habits are not yet so ingrained in them they can't outgrow them. I started off no better than you. Every one does. You will have greater trouble than most, I think though. You've been keeping your body unnaturally stiff for a great number of years; suppressing your body's natural movements, gestures and expressions. You can't just expect those in-built habits to just go away when you don't need them anymore.'
Obi-Wan scowled at him, jaw hardening slightly. Qui-Gon sighed, Obi- Wan had been fighting him lately; digging in heals and becoming stubborn. Qui-Gon didn't like it at all. He was not going to let Obi-Wan back out without a fight. The only reason he could think of as to why Obi-Wan might be starting to feel the need to back off a little, was that Obi-Wan feared he was getting to close and wanted to get some emotional distance between them. If that were true, then Qui-Gon was going to cling on with both hands to stop him and not let Obi-Wan ignore his feelings; making him face them and accept them. Qui-Gon could be equally stubborn.
`Maybe it would be easier if I showed you; demonstrated the dance. Practice your steps a moment.' Qui-Gon walked out of the room and quickly found a kitchen hand named Christy. `Christy, maybe you can help me? Do you know the bridal waltz?'
`Of course, Master Jinn.' Christy gave him an odd look.
`Ah good, then maybe you can help me with my two non-dancers.' He beckoned her into the empty room. Christy's eyes widened in understanding when she saw Obi-Wan and Eilwen.
`Can neither of them dance?' She looked from one to the other.
`No. I think a demonstration of the dance is in order; give them a bit of an idea of what they want to achieve, but slower so they can follow our steps. About half speed I would think. Shall we?' He offered his hand with a bow.
Christy grinned and curtsied deeply. `Certainly, Master Jinn.' She extended her hand gracefully.
Qui-Gon gave the work worn hand a brief kiss before sweeping her up in position. He paced through the steps slowly, with stately gracefulness. Staying light and fluid on his feet. He smiled slightly as Christy moved as easily as he through the steps, before ending it with a bow. He turned to his audience, eyes falling upon Obi-Wan. `That is how it should be done, at a faster pace, of course,' Qui-Gon murmered, glancing at Eilwen a moment to include her.
`Doesn't look too hard,' Eilwen offered.
`Should we show you step by step?' Qui-Gon looked to Christy, making sure it was all right with her.
`Good idea.' Christy nodded. `Eilwen, you start with the curtsey.'
`Extend your hand and bow, Obi-Wan. Get your feet in position. Ask her to dance,' Qui-Gon instructed.
Slowly he guided Obi-Wan through his steps. It helped to have Christy there because it meant he could just concentrate on Obi-Wan.
Though the progress was sometimes slow and Obi-Wan's frustration and anger occasionally bubbled over to the point where Qui-Gon just had to stop the lessons and let Obi-Wan vex out his rage before he harmed someone, or even himself, slowly both Obi-Wan and Eilwen learned to dance. Despite those small hiccups however, overall Obi-Wan was improving and had proven to be a quick study and a fast learner. Though the young man seemed a bit more steady and more secure about their relationship, he still held back and a held a barrier between them.
Qui-Gon hated that barrier. While the desire to touch Obi-Wan could now be satisfied, the ability to do so hadn't the least bit quenched that desire, and, if anything, had fuelled the need for more. Oh so very much more. More than Obi-Wan was capable of giving, and things Qui-Gon had serious misgivings over whether Obi-Wan would ever feel comfortable enough to do. Qui-Gon found it increasingly difficult to bank his increasing desire for Obi-Wan and, as if sensing that difficulty of control, Obi-Wan had become more and more distant with him. And that was where the difficulty lay between them. Unless Qui- Gon found a way to keep that desire under check, he feared it's power could destroy this relationship by it's shear intensity simply because Obi-Wan feared were it would lead.
Qui-Gon sighed to himself. He did himself no good to dwell on it, for it only depressed him. His almost frantic need to further his relationship with Obi-Wan into something with greater physical intimacy had already driven him to near breaking point more than a few times. He tried hard to keep it contained and away from Obi-Wan, but the man sensed it anyway. Having Obi-Wan gently break away from him in the moments Qui-Gon most needed to hold him closer where truly heart breaking for him and sometimes it was all he could do to shut himself up in his room and cry in vexation, frustration and aborted need.
Watching the devastatingly handsome man as he began to practise the dance steps with his half-sister was difficult in itself. His feet were delicate and graceful, his legs made of slender muscle, and the leggings fit rather snugly over the smooth ass and showed a decent bulge at front. Obi-Wan had no shirt and it didn't take long for the spectacularly muscled back, chest and stomach to become sleeked with sweat and the bronzed skin to become almost a shining gold in the sunlight pouring in from the open window. Well-developed arms held Eilwen securely in a comfortable grip; those graceful hands, blunt and hardened by work, with thick veins and scars only adding to their beauty. Obi-Wan danced with energy and agility, perfection and fire.
With blinding clarity, Qui-Gon realised that Obi-Wans once stiff and contained body language had loosened up incredibly and now, as he gazed over the young man, he could see natural movement, small still, and held back, but enough to see the signs he'd being wanting to see since he first saw Obi-Wan. Signs that told him Obi-Wan was in fact a fellow lover of men. His heart soared a moment, but he quickly reminded himself not to get his hopes up too much again. He'd being painfully shot down twice already for getting too hopeful, he wouldn't do it again.
The wedding was over after three months of work, and now Obi-Wan watched his sister as she danced with her new husband and had to smile. A few weeks ago she could not dance, and neither could he, but with Qui-Gon and Christy's help, both he and Eilwen could dance a couple of dances. He turned to smile at Qui-Gon and felt a jolt run through him when he saw the Lord was already staring at him. He felt a rush of awareness through his body and saw Qui-Gon return his smile with a gentle, affectionate look that made him uncomfortable. He had reluctantly managed to accept Qui-Gon did love him, but allowing that simple acceptance had not come easy to him and every sight of the man reminded him of the fact. Something that, while occasionally disturbing, was also somehow pleasing and comforting. These mixed feelings were somewhat confusing. He wasn't sure which to feel. Obi- Wan didn't only have that to grapple with, but he was still trying to learn how to return that love. There was little doubt his feelings ran deep when they concerned Qui-Gon, but could he call that love? Acknowledge that he could love and allow his heart to fully give into Qui-Gon was something he could not do.
He was beginning to think he would never be able to love, not even someone like Qui-Gon. He feared it too much; had protected himself, kept himself too well locked up and walled away from it for too long. If he continued like this for much longer, he'd just have to tell Qui-Gon that love, for him at least, was just not possible; that he could not love the man he felt most deserved to have someone who could love him, fully and without restraint.
Telling Qui-Gon this was going to be hard and Obi-Wan knew it would break the gentle man's heart. He did not want to do that until he felt he had no other choice and could no longer avoid the fact that love for him would never be possible. Which was why he was giving himself a few more days to decide, once and for all, what his final decision was. He wasn't sure he was strong enough to make either decision, which made it even harder.
He watched his radiant, happy sister as she twirled about her new husband. Obi-Wan felt a pang, wondering if he would ever feel any of what his half-sister felt now. Even though he was happier now then he ever remembered being, the shadow of his past still clung onto him grimly and he could not fully shake it loose from him, from his heart. It was so unfair. Eilwen was happily married, a wonderful man loved him and was some one he felt he should be able to love back, and yet, true happiness and the ability to love the most deserving person he knew, alluded him completely.
He clapped as the waltz ended, happy for his half-sister, even though happiness seemed impossible for himself. He watched as other couples took up the dance floor to join her.
`Obi-Wan?' Obi-Wan turned and looked up at Qui-Gon. `I believe it is traditional that the Father of the bride dances with the bridesmaid. It seems we are the closest substitutes Eilwen has. After all, I gave the bride away and you were the brides man.' Qui- Gon offered his hand with a twinkling smile, full of warmth and humour.
Obi-Wan found himself smiling in response in spite of himself. `But I only know how to lead,' he reminded Qui-Gon.
`So? You can lead me. I do know the steps of both.' Qui-Gon took his hand and drew him to his feet.
Obi-Wan looked at the man surprised. Somehow the idea that he lead Qui-Gon never occurred to him, even though he knew Qui-Gon knew the steps for both the male and female partner.
Obi-Wan let himself be taken out to the dance floor, feeling decidedly out of place as he faced Qui-Gon. As the music started to play, Obi-Wan bowed automatically, extending his hand. His gaze flicked up to see Qui-Gon preforming a surprisingly gracious curtsey. Obi-Wan couldn't help but chuckle at the bizarre sight and the dark sapphire eyes lifted to gaze deeply into his own eyes. His heart thudded loudly as Qui-Gon placed a large callused hand within his own.
The oddest sensation went though Obi-Wan as he kissed Qui-Gon's hand. The feeling of power over any other being, the feeling of being able to control this man across from him. It was *he* who was leading. It was *he* who would set their pace; who would guide Qui- Gon through the steps, tell him what to do next. Knowing he had this power over someone else for some reason brought him an immense feeling of relief, security, and safety. It wasn't *him* who was being manipulated. It wasn't *him* who was powerless. It wasn't *him* being controlled or asked to submit to another. With that he truly saw, for the first time, that they were equals, that he had as much power to control Qui-Gon as the other man controlled him.
With that simple understanding, all his fears simply vanished from his heart. With no substance to exist on anymore, Obi-Wan was freed of his fear of touch, the fear of love, of being loved, of being intimate with a person. Free from a chain he never knew he had, he looked at Qui-Gon and wondered what it meant to be free. He was quite suddenly standing on completely new ground, it was unfamiliar and looked completely different from the one he'd always known. Until he explored these new grounds, he knew that nothing was for certain. Nothing but perhaps the fact he cared for this man more then any other person, and perhaps, just perhaps could come to love him. But until he sorted out himself first, and seriously considered all of his options as a free man -- a man equal to all people and able to take control of his own life to see where it led him -- could he consider the option of staying here with Qui-Gon.
The heady rush of power and control stayed with him all the way through the dance and he wasn't sure what to do with it. He hadn't felt so liberated in his life; he didn't even know there was such a thing. He was free to do anything he wanted. Not what anybody else wanted. Just him. Offering Qui-Gon a gentle smile after the dance finished, he stepped back. `I have to think,' he said simply and walked away, turning his back to Qui-Gon and the whole wedding party. He was free from even being concerned for Eilwen for she had Jerry now.
Obi-Wan went and sat on his post, facing down the long road that lead away from the manor. He looked up at the starry sky, simply soaking in the absolute freedom he felt; feeling completely calm and at peace at himself for the first time in a very, very long time. He looked down at the broken plates at his feet and it suddenly seemed like such a long time ago since he'd broken them. It was like looking at something that had happened in some distant past and had nothing at all to do with him now.
`Obi-Wan? Are you all right?' Eilwen's voice called and he turn to see her approach him uncertainly
He smiled easily; he never thought a smile could come so naturally. `Yes, I think I am. I've never felt more all right in my life,' Obi-Wan told her.
`Qui-Gon is worried about you.'
`Eilwen, I feel-- freed of something I didn't know was holding me back.' Obi-Wan struggled to put what he was feeling into words, choosing not to concern himself with Qui-Gon just yet. He had to think about just himself first right now, for truly the first time in his life. `I suddenly realised that I have power over my life, that I can control the direction my life goes. I can do whatever it is that I want. I've been released from something I can't quite explain, but has dominated almost my entire life. I can't be pressured, or controlled, or manipulated. No one holds any power or control over me. I can go, or leave, stay or move, simply because I want to, not because I am compelled to do it, or because I feel obliged to do it for anybody. Just because I wish to. My future can be whatever I want for it to be.'
`Oh, Obi-Wan! I'm so happy for you.' Eilwen hugged him. `You're free! Your past no longer haunts you.'
Obi-Wan leapt up, picked her up and spun her around with an exhilarated laugh, kissing her forehead. `More than free.' He grinned, the true happiness he had thought he could never feel was bubbling forth from his heart. `Nothing holds me. The possibilities are endless and I am free to do what ever I want.'
`Free to love Qui-Gon?' She looked so hopeful.
Obi-Wan went quiet, looking out across the dark land. 'Don't you understand? What I'm trying to tell you? Have you any idea what this feels like to me, to be so free? I don't have to love Qui-Gon. I'm not obliged to just because he wants me to. I don't have to give him anything I don't want to. I'm under no pressure to do anything he asks of me. I can give or not give; it's my choice. I don't have to put my life in anyone's hands. I'm free, Eilwen, and I need to know, to understand what that means to me. *Just* me. My life has belonged to others for so long; by their needs, their wishes, their wants, whatever. It is time I thought about me and what I want; how I want my life to be from this point.'
Eilwen had paled slightly. `Do you love Qui-Gon?' Eilwen asked hesitantly.
`Right now? No, I don't think I do. I can't let myself think about him right now. I have to do what is right for me. Not for him. Eilwen, please try to understand. I do care for him, but this is about my needs. I have to choose my future; what I want my destiny to be. If it is with Qui-Gon, then great. But it may not be and, until I figure out what I want in my life, the next course to travel down, he becomes only a secondary consideration. I have to discover who and what I am now, now that I've been freed without anything holding me back. I'm able to shape my own life, decide decisions I want for me, rediscover what is important to me and be in control of my wishes, my needs, my wants, myself.'
`You've always had a choice, Obi-Wan.' Eilwen touched his arm gently. Tears in her brown eyes. `I'm just so sorry it's taken you so long to realise this.' Eilwen kissed his cheek gently. `I'm going back to the party. Will you be all right?'
Obi-Wan beamed at her. `Of course. I have a lot to think about.'
Eilwen patted his arm. `Consider well, my brother,' she said softly.
With a heavy heart Eilwen returned to her party. She gently turned down Jerry's offer to dance and made straight for a worried and concerned Qui-Gon, hardly aware of her new husband following her. Qui-Gon looked up at her, relief showing in his face at her return.
`What did I do?' He looked at her beseechingly.
Eilwen took a deep breath, then slowly released it. She silently sat down across from the large Lord as her mind processed what her brother had told her and tried to think of a way to tell Qui-Gon as she took both of his large hands.
`Did I frighten him away?' Qui-Gon asked her desperately, knowing something wasn't quite right, but not sure what.
Eilwen shook her head as she found her voice. No, you've set him free. He's been released from his inner demons. His past has being vanquished,' she said softly, biting her inner lip at the expression of joy and hope and deep love that flooded Qui-Gon's face as he rose hurriedly.
`Free to love?' the voice breathed its greatest wish, eyes shinning in vibrant hope.
Eilwen gripped Qui-Gon's hands before he could try to go to her half- brother. `He's equally free not to,' she said softly.
A confused frown gathered on Qui-Gon's face as he slowly sat down again. `What do you mean? He doesn't love me?' Qui-Gon looked at her pleading, demandingly.
What could she do? She couldn't lie, couldn't give him false hope. She looked him in the eyes, but her face told him everything he needed to know.
`Oh gods,' he whispered, tears breaking out as his voice broke with intense emotions. `He doesn't love me,' the voice said raggedly, as the prickle of tears became a flash flood and before long Qui-Gon was sobbing great, huge, heart broken sobs.
`He has a lot to think about. I don't think he ever really considered what it was that he wanted for himself; what his needs were. I'm not sure he ever did know what he wanted before now. He just let others decide for him; have to power to control the future of his life. But the future is his own now. Now he's free to think about only himself; free from burdens like me, free from the obligation he feels to return your love,' Eilwen said this as gently as possible, trying to sooth and comfort the gentle Lord, but the racking sobs that sounded from the emotionally crushed man sounded as if more than just a heart had broken at this. Eilwen felt tears run down her own eyes just to see the great gentle man in such a state. `Free, Qui-Gon. I never imagined that cutting the chains of his past would also free him from the hold your love had over him. Nor did I realise how powerful a hold it had. Always my life has being ruled by things I couldn't control, but I realise that it is doubly true for Obi-Wan. His entire life has been manipulated by those of higher power than him. That our lives, as poor and pitiful as they were, made it necessary for him to submit to those higher powers for mere survival, for my survival. The pilgrims, his abuser, the orphanage, even Sophia and Nelly would use me and the power of guilt to manipulate him into doing things for them.'
`Oh Gods.' Qui-Gon wept wretchedly. `I manipulated him for my own means, my selfish wants, my foolish needs. I pushed him, controlled him. I went too fast; never made sure he actually wanted this for himself, but continued forward because I wanted it. I assumed, took it for granted that he did want it for himself rather than just to please me. He hates me. I asked that he do things he didn't truly want and he hates me for it.' The desolation was total. Qui-Gon was more than just devastated as he sobbed uncontrollably; it was if his very soul had being ripped open to spill across bloodied ground, dying an agonising death before her eyes.
`He does care for you, Qui-Gon,' she soothed. `He doesn't hate you. Who could hate someone like you?'
`One who's been manipulated by others. One like Obi-Wan who was abused and hurt. I manipulated him too. I'm like her and he must hate me for it.'
`No, he does care. Just not love and I feel as if I've misled you, gave you hope. I did hope, so much. And I would never have thought that freeing Obi-Wan from his past could cause so much pain. You are almost like a second brother to me.' Eilwen tried to comfort the wildly sobbing man.
`Dear Eilwen, none of this is your fault, don't even think it.' Qui- Gon seemed to recollect himself enough to say this. `It's mine. One foolish old man's dream; wishful thinking of a lonely man. Somehow, someway, I'm going to have to let Obi-Wan go. I have to let him be who he wants to be, not who I or anyone else wishes him to be. I will always love him. How could I not? And somehow that will have to be enough to give him what he truly wants, whatever it may turn out to be. Give him the life he wants,' Qui-Gon's voice failed him as the heavy sobs broke out once more and this mans soul continued to die its painful, slow death.
Eilwen silently held him. She was glad her brother had finally found his freedom, but the cost had come much, much higher then she'd ever expected. When Qui-Gon pulled free and rose to his feet, he looked so shattered, his face so blank, eyes so dull, face pale and haunted. He silently left. She could only watch and let him go, knowing he needed to be alone. She doubted that right now anyone would be able to give the large Lord of the Jinn Estate any sort of comfort, except the only one who wasn't inclined to give it right now and had problems of his own to sort through. Eilwen heaved a sigh and leaned against Jerry.
`Should you talk to Obi-Wan?' Jerry offered.
`I can't. The decision is his. I can only support and love my half- brother. I have no right to try to influence that. Especially now, when he'd just discovered he can have his own say; his own choice about this. As much as it eats me up to see Qui-Gon like this, I must accept my brothers wish, no matter how much it hurts me or anyone else,' Eilwen said softly after a moment, clearly torn between the brother she loved and the Lord she had become close friends with.
The night past slowly for many people that night. The servants worried for their Lord, who spent the night sobbing wretchedly in his bed. He was tortured by the thought of being so selfishly needful for his beloved, endearing, beautiful Obi-Wan, that he had not looked to see what it was that his love had wanted. He had only wanted to free his love from his past so he could have him for himself; no consideration for his heart's needs or wishes. Now his love would leave him for his thoughtlessness, for his selfish inconsideration, and he couldn't think of anything worst than loosing his love and having to live here alone without him. He thought bitterly, for only a moment, that it may of been better to have kept Obi-Wan chained to his past. But he quickly realised he would be keeping Obi-Wan here against his will. Keeping him captive would be a worse kind of hell he could condemn Obi-Wan to, and he would have to set his love free. He had to be pleased for Obi-Wan, but he was loosing the only thing in his life that was of any importance anymore.
It was a long night for Eilwen, too. Even though Jerry had finally managed to drag her away for their honeymoon, she sat back in the coach, listless and heart sick. She didn't want to be from the manor very long. She'd left with so much up in the air: her half-brother trying to re-sort out his life and determine his future, and a soul- broken Qui-Gon trying to come to grips with his love not loving him. It was so hard to turn her back to both of them and ride away with her husband. Jerry, of course, worried about Eilwen, whose connection to her half-brother was much stronger than what many peoples were to their normal brothers and sisters. But considering Obi-Wan had been as much a mother and father, as well as brother, to her and had taken such pains to look after her, he could understand. Seeing his Master so despondent was troublesome as well, and he hoped somehow things would be able to work out.
As morning began to come and the false dawn began to rise, you could see Obi-Wan still sitting on the fence post, looking out down the road that lead away from the manor, broken plates scattered at his feet.
Obi-Wan was trying to put his life back together in his new perspective. He had to accept that he had chosen to let people continue to have a hold over him; and that he had deceived himself into thinking that he had to submit to those needs and wishes of others, that he had to oblige them. He accepted that SHE had taught him to let others control his life and, with his new energy and freedom, he realised he'd let Qui-Gon shape what he did and that it had been his choice that he did so. But now that part of his life was over and he recognised himself for both his weaknesses and his strengths, but finally saw himself as equal in Qui-Gon's eyes and now his own. So what did that mean for him and what sort for relationship did he want from Qui-Gon? It was something he'd thought a lot about, but so far he couldn't get a resolution to the issue.
He was too unsure of where he stood now in this new world he saw. Now that he was free from the illusion that he had no control, and now that he knew he had it, he wasn't quite sure what to do with it. He had more confidence and self assurance then he knew was possible to have. He knew it was possible for him to do things he never considered, but he didn't now what those things were. He knew he would have to re-establish his footing with Qui-Gon. He needed to test for new boundaries since his walls had been blasted away by a simple realization, and now he had all this space in which he didn't knew where it ended. It was oddly exhilarating, and frightening too.
Obi-Wan smiled as he spotted a carriage making it's way up the road to the manor. A late wedding guest he supposed. After a moment he gave a slight shrug and with a pure, happy laugh, he decided by his own choice to go and meet it. He was feeling a touch playful, something he hadn't felt in a long time. He had all this space to explore and he was definitely in the mood to explore it. The carriage drew to a stop and he stood nearby as a coachman opened the carriage door.
His eyes widened as he saw the woman inside. She had aged a few years, wore different clothing, but there was no doubt that it was defiantly HER. He recognised her instantly, for there was little chance that he could ever forget. As he looked at her, after so many years since seeing her, he expected to feel all kinds of emotions. But as he looked her straight in the eyes, he felt nothing. Not even an abstract pity for her. No hate, no burning rage, no anger, no pent up frustration, no helplessness or vulnerability. He didn't even care why she was here. It was then he realised how truly free he was, and the blinding power of such an exquisite feeling brought joyful tears to his eyes.
`Aren't you going to help me down?' she barked at him.
Obi-Wan gave a slight smile. He may remember her, but she obviously didn't recognise him from the scruffy, poor eight-year-old boy he had been. There was no way in the world he was going to offer HER a hand down from her carriage. `The ground isn't very far. I'm mildly positive you can manage to get down unaided,' he said calmly.
`Why of all the...' The woman haughtily lifted her skirts and arrogantly stepped down. No, she hadn't changed much.
`Do tell me who you are, and why you are here?' Obi-Wan asked. He knew perfectly well who she was, but he might as well do the proper protocol of a stable hand.
`I am here because of the wedding. The bride is related to an Obi- Wan, I believe. We were old chums. My name is Lady Charlotte,' she said sternly.
`Lady Charlotte, is it?' Obi-Wan turned his face to hide his smile. That wasn't the name she had used last he knew her. `I don't believe I've heard of you,' he told her.
`Well, it has been many years since I've seen Obi-Wan and I barely knew little Eilwen.'
Obi-Wan nodded as he turned to lead her toward the manor and then into the tea room. `That could explain it, of course. Take a seat, Lady. You know, I suppose, that Eilwen was married yesterday.'
`Oh yes, I read it in the news. The moment I saw it, read her name, Eilwen Kenobi, I knew it had to be her. It's so strange to know she's old enough to be married. She was only three when I knew her.' Lady Charlotte sat down.
`Would you like some tea? Cake?' Obi-Wan asked.
`Oh, whatever you can spare.' She smiled.
`Simone, two cups of tea and perhaps some cake please.' Obi-Wan turned to smile at the maid who gave a look of surprise but scurried off to do as asked.
`Is it possible I talk to Eilwen? I know I wasn't invited to the wedding, but it has been many years and I'm afraid I lost contact with her and Obi-Wan.'
`I'm afraid Eilwen has already left with her husband to go on their honeymoon,' Obi-Wan told her.
`Oh yes, yes of course, silly me. I should have realised. What of Obi-Wan then, her elder, uh ...'
`Half-brother?' Obi-Wan helped.
`Well, yes. Is he here? Have you met him?'
`I could safely say that I do know him; even seen him.' Obi-Wan's eyes glittered mischief.
`What does he look like now? I haven't seen him since he was eight. He looked a great deal like his mother.'
Obi-Wan lifted an eyebrow in surprise, even as his jaw tightened slightly. `Really? Eilwen doesn't mention her much.'
`I'm not surprised. The poor child probably doesn't remember her. Sharna died when she was only a baby.'
Obi-Wan hurriedly blinked back tears, holding the name of his mother close. He had forgotten. At the age of five she had just been Mother, but now he had her name. Sharna. `Must be traumatic to lose a mother at so young an age. Ah tea, thank you, Simone.' Obi-Wan took his cup of tea as Simone put down the tray with the pot and a small platter of cake.
`So is Obi-Wan here, do you know?' Lady Charlotte picked up her own tea.
`I believe he was at the wedding, but I haven't actually seen him this morning,' Obi-Wan said mildly, ignoring Simone's startled look of surprise.
`Oh dear, I was really hoping to talk to him. He was a dear little boy. Is he here at the manor somewhere still?'
`I'd heard he was a somewhat troublesome lad, but what would I know? But I am sure he is at the manor somewhere. I don't know if many know exactly where right now, though.' Obi-Wan saw Simone leave quickly, probably in search of Qui-Gon.
`What little boy isn't in some trouble. Is there a way Obi-Wan can be found?'
`I believe Simone has already gone in search of him.' Obi-Wan indicated the missing maid.
`Oh, good. Are you in charge of this wonderful manor then?'
`No, no. Lord Jinn runs the estate. His father left it to him, even though he is only the third son. It isn't as large as the main Jinn estate I've heard, but it suits Lord Jinn well enough.'
`Shall I met with Lord Jinn do you think?'
`It shouldn't surprise me. He's probably on his way down.'
`Oh, good. Perhaps he can tell me more about Eilwen and Obi-Wan and hurry the search along.' Lady Charlotte smiled. `I'm sure he'll be delighted to meet an old friend of Obi-Wan and Eilwen, even if I wasn't invited to the wedding.'
`Maybe, maybe not. It was a rather long, late party last night and it is rather early.' Obi-Wan allowed a slight smile.
`Well, yes, I realise now might not be the best time. Perhaps you can tell me about yourself while we wait?'
Obi-Wan's eyes glittered. He'd had enough of this. `I would have thought it would have occurred to you who I was by now, Janice.' Obi- Wan watched with self-satisfaction as her face paled and she dropped both teacup and saucer to break on the floor.
`You!' she breathed, hands shaking.
`It must be quite a few years if you didn't recognise me for who I was.' Obi-Wan quirked a humourless smile.
`I, I'm sorry, I didn't realise. It's being a long time,' Janice stammered.
`Not long enough,' Obi-Wan said firmly.
`I can explain.'
`I very much doubt that. But I don't want or need any explanation from you. Did you really expect me to stay a frightened eight-year- old boy? Terrified of you and ashamed of something I had no control over? If only you had come a day earlier, Janice. I would have tried to have you killed on sight. I'm beyond it now, but I warn you now, if I hear a whisper you are even near this manor, or that you are hurting another child, I will string you up the highest tree I can find and only a noose dangling your neck will stop you from falling on a long metal spike waiting beneath.'
Janice sucked in a breath, her face a stark white, but she knew that he told the truth and he more than meant it.
`Welcome,' a low voice said.
Obi-Wan turn to see Qui-Gon, who looked as if he'd just lived though hell and was still living it. Obi-Wan was taken back by the lifelessness in the man. He looked worst than when he'd returned from his father's funeral. `Can I help you?' Qui-Gon looked at Janice, avoiding Obi-Wan's glance.
`Lady Charlotte, met Lord Qui-Gon Jinn. I believe Lady Charlotte has already found what she was looking for and was going to leave. She wasn't planning to return anytime soon, were you, Lady Charlotte?'
Janice flinched at the edge in Obi-Wan's tone. `I, no. I believe it was time I left.' Janice quickly got to her feet. `I wasn't planning on returning.' She turned to the door. Obi-Wan coolly followed her to the stable where her carriage waited.
`Are you sure you won't stay?' Qui-Gon had followed as well, looking thoroughly confused. Not surprising since he didn't have a clue what was going on.
`I don't know why I thought to come,' Janice said as she reached the waiting carriage.
`You came to see; to find out what had changed,' Obi-Wan said simply.
`Well I have my answer and now I'll go.' Janice climbed into the carriage.
`Some cake before you go, Lady Charlotte?' Qui-Gon offered, having brought the small platter of cake out with him.
Obi-Wan suddenly had a large urge to throw it. Preferably at Janice. His hand curled up into a fist. `Remember what I said, Lady Charlotte,' he said coldly. `If I hear a hint, I shall do as promised.' Janice nodded and ordered her coachman to take her back. Obi-Wan watched the coach disappear. `Did you want that platter, Qui-Gon?' He held his hand out.
`Will you tell me what is going on?' Qui-Gon asked in return.
`Just as soon as I break something into nice little pieces with a good almighty crash,' Obi-Wan promised before he took the proffered platter. He hefted it on one hand, feeling its weight. Lining it up with the fence, he let the simmering anger at the nerve of Janice coming here and looking for him build. `I hate THAT WOMAN!' he yelled, throwing the platter with all his might against the post; revelling in the satisfying crash it made as pieces scattered, sparkling in the morning sun, to settle like dust on the ground.
`Feel better now?' Qui-Gon asked levelly.
Obi-Wan turned to grin at the man. `Yes, I do. I feel a lot better.' He moved until he stood directly before Qui-Gon. `I think I'm rather enjoying this new feeling of control I have over my own life and decisions.'
`At the expense of causing a guest to leave?' Qui-Gon demanded, his voice dangerously low.
`Ah yes, the lovely Lady Charlotte. I wouldn't exactly call her a guest. Her real name, or so she told me some years ago, was Janice.' Obi-Wan turned to walk back to the manor. `She came looking for me. I doubt I was what she expected, but then I was only eight when she knew me.'
`Why did you drive her away?'
`Think about it, Qui-Gon. There is only one woman in the world I hate enough to inspire me to throw things at that fence post.' Obi- Wan turned his head as Qui-Gon grasped his arm in sudden understanding; the man had gone paler then he already was.
`That was HER! The one who abused you?'
Obi-Wan gave a sigh and looked to the road she had disappeared down. `That was her. It's strange. I'd always imagined what I would do to her if I ever got my hands on her. Letting her leave was not among my options on that list.'
`Oh, Obi-Wan.' Qui-Gon took both of the young man's hands and looked down at him.
The soft murmur sent a thrill though Obi-Wan and he had to grin. He may not love Qui-Gon yet, but there was nothing to stop him from falling in love anymore. He wasn't entirely sure what the future would bring, but he did know he wanted Qui-Gon to be a part of that future, and he doubted it would take much to fall for this beautiful, loving man. He planted a hand against Qui-Gon's chest as the older man tried to kiss him. `Maybe it's time to exert some more control over my life. We need to do something about our relationship, Qui- Gon.'
Grief crossed Qui-Gon's face as those lovely dark sapphire eyes filled with such sad, lonely tears of heart-breaking love. `If you want it to stop, I can't hold you back.' Even Qui-Gon's voice was achingly tearful.
`You foolish, incredible, beautiful man.' Obi-Wan seized his face and pulled Qui-Gon down to kiss those stunned lips passionately. He let go gently to grin happily at those questioning eyes. `I think I could definitely get use to calling the shots for a change. It's rather nice being in control. We very badly need to bring some equality into this relationship. I've discovered feeling like I am required to obliged to you and serve your needs doesn't work for me, so you may find it a little difficult holding me back now the balance of power has equaled some.' Obi-Wan gently kissed those lips again. `Besides, I kind of like the idea of choosing to let you have a part in my future.' Hope flamed in those dark sapphire eyes as Qui- Gon's lips moved in to claim his. Obi-Wan gently pushed him back. `I am in charge for awhile, all right?' Obi-Wan looked up into those sparkling blue eyes. `Please, Qui-Gon. I need to feel I have some control, some power in this.'
`I didn't mean to extend control over you,' Qui-Gon said earnestly.
`I know.' Obi-Wan stroked the rough beard. `I needed your strength, your persistent encouragement, to rule over my past. I've done that and now we have to re-establish where both of us stand with us both on equal footing.'
`I'd only be to happy to, my Obi-Wan,' Qui-Gon said softly, sending a rush of desire through the young man.
`Just give me sometime to adjust. I'm a bit lost without my usual walls in place. It could take me awhile to figure out how everything goes together and where I stand.'
`I'd wait forever if need be.' Qui-Gon stroked Obi-Wan's chin.
Obi-Wan laughed. `I hardly think that is necessary, but for now I think it could at least wait until after breakfast.' He smiled.
Qui-Gon looked startled a moment before giving a soft laugh. `Breakfast sounds like a good idea to me.'
Breakfast turned out to be rather elaborate and lengthy. Once the staff figured out they were trying to sort things out and fix up their relationship, they were lavished with extra attention.
`Do you think this is the staff's way of saying they definintely approve or is this some kind of food reward to re-enforce and encourage our good behaviour,' Obi-Wan pondered as he took a pancake.
Qui-Gon laughed. `Probably a bit of both. I know this,' he picked up a strawberry, `would have been given to me to try and cheer me up.'
Obi-Wan took Qui-Gon's hand, biting the strawberry almost absent- mindedly. `I had a lot to think about and reassess in my mind. A whole new world opened up to me and I had to sort it out for myself, by myself. I'm sorry my need to think about me for awhile, for the first time in my life, caused you so much grief and heartache. Obi- Wan lifted the hand to his lips to lap up the rest of the strawberry and the strawberry juice.
`I'd suffer it again, if this is the result to expect.' Qui-Gon smiled in fond desire. `Poor Eilwen, I'm sure she must of left here very worried about the both of us.'
`She'll probably cut her own honeymoon short just to get back here.' Obi-Wan sighed.
`When she gets back she'll be happy to find out we're figuring things out and are much happier now,' Qui-Gon said.
Obi-Wan pulled Qui-Gon close, lips smiling mildly. `Well, maybe just a little,' he teased softly.
Qui-Gon's eyes glittered in warmth. `I am not going to let you continue to have complete control forever, Obi-Wan. This relationship is supposed to be more equal now, I thought. You're just doing some catch up work,' Qui-Gon scolded slightly.
`Until then you're all mine.' Obi-Wan kissed him thoroughly.
`Yes, Master Kenobi,' Qui-Gon agreed mildly.
Obi-Wan blinked and then burst out in laughter. `So long as you have your priorities right.' Obi-Wan leaned his head against Qui-Gon who promptly yawned.
`Sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night,' Qui-Gon murmered.
Obi-Wan smiled `Neither did I. I'm starting to feel quite tired myself.'
Qui-Gon turned to him, gazing at him with his deep sparkling blue eyes and cocked a loving smile. `Put me to bed?' Qui-Gon purred slightly.
Obi-Wan sucked in a breath, desire pulsing through him. `You look a bit heavy to carry,' Obi-Wan noted, eying the large, muscled frame of Qui-Gon over.
`Just help me to my feet, Obi-Wan.' Qui-Gon offered his hand.
Obi-Wan stood and helped Qui-Gon onto his feet. `Now how did we switch roles like that? Maybe I should take control again.'
`Don't be afraid to loose control, Obi-Wan. Nothing will be gained if you can't relinquish the control you've learned you have when you need to. Equal relationships involve a lot of switching of roles; backwards and forwards according to different situations. One can't always be in control and one can't always be controlled. It's about giving, taking and sharing. Obviously we still have a few issues to work through.'
`I'm sorry. I'm groping through unknown territory, Qui-Gon. I still need some guidance, someone to show me where the new boundaries are.' Obi-Wan looked up to the older man.
Qui-Gon smiled forgivingly. `It's all right, love. You're doing fine.' Qui-Gon took his hand and then took him up to his large bedroom, so finely decorated. `Do you wish to sleep with me? Nothing else, just sleep. My bed's large enough that we can sleep opposite sides and never know someone else is in the same bed.'
`I either sleep next to you or I don't sleep at all,' Obi-Wan declared after a moment.
`You know, I could get use to a more assertive Obi-Wan.' Qui-Gon pulled down the covers of his bed.
Obi-Wan paused. `Are you sure? Because somewhere still lingers the doubt that you love me as I am, even now. I've held the persistent belief that love wasn't truly possible, that I couldn't love, be in love until I give myself up to be fully under someone else control. It's part of the reason I couldn't let myself love you. As deeply as I care for you, I couldn't let myself be controlled, be completely under someone else's power; to be manipulated by their wants, needs, feel obliged to give them everything they wanted. It's the cornerstone of my trouble all along, the idea of being loved, being in love was to be controlled and manipulated.'
`Love, I suppose, is a kind of power; a power you can hold over someone else and control them,' Qui-Gon said reluctantly. It was difficult for him to help Obi-Wan deal with this as it was for Obi- Wan to work through it. `Using love in such a way, in my opinion, isn't true love. Controlling others is a kind of manipulation, love is just an excuse.'
`So, in able to control our relationship -- control you -- I'm manipulating you?' Obi-Wan frowned in concern.
Qui-Gon smiled. `I'm finding it to be a rather nice manipulation.'
`Is there such a thing?' Obi-Wan looked at him uncertainly.
Qui-Gon sighed, then got an idea; after all, the best way to explain was by demonstration. He climbed into his bed, and shifted over, holding out his hand. Obi-Wan reached out and grasped it. Qui-Gon gently used it to pull Obi-Wan toward his bed. `I'm manipulating you to come and join me in my bed. Do you mind?' Qui-Gon asked gently as Obi-Wan came to stand at the edge of his bed.
Obi-Wan's eyes widened in surprise, then he grinned. `No, I'm rather enjoying it," Obi-Wan said as he climbed in beside him, turning his face toward him. `I'm going to manipulate your lips with mine. Would you mind?' Obi-Wan asked him softly.
Qui-Gon gave a brilliant grin. `If you don't, I'm going to find a way to manipulate you into giving me a kiss.'
Obi-Wan leaned in close. `Ah, but that is what you just did, isn't it?'
Qui-Gon's response was halted by Obi-Wan's lips capturing his and administrating a sweet, gentle, tender kiss. Qui-Gon lay back, letting Obi-Wan control the pace and simply drank in the sensation of Obi-Wan close to him and undeniably more open and willing. Qui-Gon smiled to himself. He had known he'd found his perfect mate in Obi- Wan quite some time ago, he'd never realised just how perfect until now. Obi-Wan shone forth in a way he never expected, his personality had burst out like a huge, bright flower. It was often said that a late-blooming flower was the most brilliant flower of all, and now that Obi-Wan had burst out, Qui-Gon couldn't disagree.
Slowly those lips pulled back and Obi-Wan snuggled up close to him with a tired yawn.
Qui-Gon let his head fall on Obi-Wan's shoulder. `Do you love me now, Obi-Wan? Now you're free, now you've sorted out what you want?' he asked cautiously.
Obi-Wan gave a deep sigh and stroked his hair. `I'm learning to. I'm not sure if it's love yet, but it's getting there.'
Qui-Gon lifted his head to look Obi-Wan in the eye. `You will tell me when it is, won't you?'
`You're not upset?' Obi-Wan gave a look of concern.
`No. You were honest. I'd rather that than a lie or a half-truth. I'd rather give you the time to let you discover what it is to love for yourself, than force anything on you.'
`I sometimes think you're too good to be true and I'll wake up in the tiny back room at Siliam with my past employer yelling at me to get up.' Obi-Wan stroked Qui-Gon's long chestnut hair slowly.
`I'm right here, Obi-Wan, and I'm going to stay. I'm no mirage that will vanish if you get too close.' Qui-Gon assured.
Obi-Wan smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. `This helps, being here with you. It helps convince me that this is real, you are real.' Obi-Wan yawned again.
`Sleep now, love. I'll still be here when you wake up,' Qui-Gon soothed.
`I like it when you call me that. You didn't do that before.' Obi- Wan curled up against him.
Qui-Gon smiled and drew him close. `If you wake before I do, I freely give you permission to touch me if you wish,' he murmered.
`I imagine the same applies to you if you wake first,' Obi-Wan said drowsily, closing his sleepy green eyes.
Qui-Gon closed his own eyes and he held Obi-Wan close. Within moments he was fast asleep. After months of not being able to get to sleep and not sleeping well once he did, having Obi-Wan beside him was soothing, calming and comforting, almost as if he belonged there.