This is my first attempt at Star Wars fanfiction so please be
kind. Comments as well as constructive criticism are welcome at
ksr@otherone.com
Song lyrics come from October Project and are denoted by
italics
Anything else should be considered original work.
Finally, this has not been proof read. Therefore, any and all
mistakes must be considered mine.
Summary: The path to true love doesn't always run smooth.
Warning: Lots of angst!
Prologue
Whatever you think you need to live,
There's something more than this....
There was a time when I thought that if I didn't become a
Padawan, that if I didn't find a Master to apprentice with me,
then my life wouldn't be worth living. My entire existence
depended upon my becoming a Jedi. It's funny, now, to look back
upon that time. My despair, my desire to die if I couldn't be a
Jedi that's what led to my apprenticeship. If I hadn't been
willing to die to save everyone else, then Qui-Gon would never
have taken me as his Padawan. He still thinks that I was
prepared to sacrifice myself. I wasn't.
I wanted to die. I wanted to do anything to escape the pain
that my life had become. To escape the mockery. I wanted to
leave the live that had betrayed me.
Then, I got the one thing that I thought made life worth
living.
Qui-Gon took me as his Padawan learner. Life was suddenly worth
living. I had a purpose once more.
I should have known. There's always something more.
I don't know when it started. But, soon I wanted Qui-Gon as a
lover. I didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have him. His
presence was intoxicating. I was junkie with an addiction. An
addiction that I didn't want to or know how to break. Qui-Gon
soon became my entire reason for living.
Day 1
I was at a loss. For the first time, in I couldn't remember how
long, Qui-Gon had dismissed me. Told me to leave. Why? I
couldn't understand the reason. I needed to know. Had he found
out? Did he know about my desire? Did he find it repulsive? Did
he consider me a failure? Did he want to get rid of me? Was I
to be shipped back to Courscant in disgrace? Why? Why did he
dismiss me?
These questions burned away at me as I walked back to my
quarters. At least, I think I walked. The pain of Qui-Gon's
dismissal was so sharp that it cut jagged tears in my mind. I
couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think. Yet, I had to think. I
had to decipher the meaning behind his dismissal. I had to
understand, to know why.
Why?
2 months later
Qui-Gon's dismissals were growing more and more frequent. He
would ask me to leave, and I would. He could have told me to
fall on my lightsaber, and I would have done so gladly. There
wasn't anything that I wouldn't do for him. And, so even though
it tore me apart inside every time he asked me to go, I did.
A month later
Why? Why does he keep sending me away? I've meditated. I've
practiced more. I've done everything I can think of. I've
become more respectful. I've tried to bury my desire into the
darkest corners of my mind. I've done everything.
Why? What have I done?
Month 5
I'm going to explode. Fall apart from the inside out. Qui-Gon
becomes more and more distant everyday. I can't get him out of
my head. His mere presence is my life. Without him, I don't
know if I can survive. I have to tell him. Somehow, someway, I
have to tell him how I feel. I want him. I need his touch like
I need to breathe. I need his passion like I need the blood in
my veins. I need his love to blanket me like the Living Force.
I need him.
What am I to do?
Month 6
I told him. And, now my world has fallen away.
Whatever you think you need to live,
There's something more than this....
There was a time when I thought that if I didn't become a
Padawan, that if I didn't find a Master to apprentice with me,
then my life wouldn't be worth living. My entire existence
depended upon my becoming a Jedi. It's funny, now, to look back
upon that time. My despair, my desire to die if I couldn't be a
Jedi that's what led to my apprenticeship. If I hadn't been
willing to die to save everyone else, then Qui-Gon would never
have taken me as his Padawan. He still thinks that I was
prepared to sacrifice myself. I wasn't.
I wanted to die. I wanted to do anything to escape the pain
that my life had become. To escape the mockery. I wanted to
leave the live that had betrayed me.
Then, I got the one thing that I thought made life worth
living.
Qui-Gon took me as his Padawan learner. Life was suddenly worth
living. I had a purpose once more.
I should have known. There's always something more.
I don't know when it started. But, soon I wanted Qui-Gon as a
lover. I didn't know what I'd do if I didn't have him. His
presence was intoxicating. I was junkie with an addiction. An
addiction that I didn't want to or know how to break. Qui-Gon
soon became my entire reason for living.
I told him. He ran away.
I wanted him so much. I needed him to be more than he could be.
I'll never forgive myself for that. If I hadn't told him, then
he wouldn't be suffering like he is now. I can see it. He
doesn't know what to do. It's because of me.
What have I done?
He stopped me. The look in his eyes...I hope that I never see
such despair and disappointment ever again. I caused it! Gods,
I can't get anything right. His hurt has deepened, and mine has
spiraled beyond my ability to control it.
Why? Why does my love hurt so much?
I put down Obi-Wan's journal. The pain, the suffering, the
sheer desperation....I had no idea. How could he have hidden
this from me? I doubt that I'll ever know, but I could end it.
By the Sith, I wish I hadn't pulled away. But, his desire was
so unexpected. His declaration came from nowhere, or so I had
thought. I had needed time to think it through. To gather my
thoughts, to plan for our future.
He thought I'd rejected him.
Oh, my dearest Obi-Wan, how could you have ever thought that?
When I found him in his room, I was so......I can't explain how
I felt. Words are inadequate and not equal to the task of my
emotions.
I had done that to him. I had caused him so much pain that he
felt he could no longer live.
How could I have done that to the man that I love more than
life itself?
It was time to put this right.
Qui-Gon began his search methodically. He wasn't sure where
Obi-Wan was, and his sometimes-but especially now---infuriating
Padawan had shut down their link so that nothing could get
through.
He finally found him. Not too surprising, Obi-Wan was seated on
the edge of the roof. Qui-Gon studied his profile for a minute,
the dejected slump of the shoulders, the aura of despair that
settled over his beloved like a grey rain cloud. How could he
fix this?
Qui-Gon decided that words wouldn't work. So, he did the only
thing he could.
He kissed his beloved. And, as he kissed Obi-Wan he let all his
love, his pent-up desire, his need flow through their link. He
sent it all to his beloved.
Qui-Gon knew that everything wasn't solved with this kiss. But,
it was a start.
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