SUMMARY: Obi-Wan's reflections over the events revolving around
the mission to Naboo, Tattoine and the battle with the Sith in
one of those private letters never meant to be seen. This is an
AU in which Qui-Gon DID NOT DIE. Much angst in this onem guys;
Obi-Wan had a tough time on that trip.
FEEDBACK: If anyone feels so inclined.
When I was small, I had many fears.
Fear that I wouldn't be big enough.
Fear that I wouldn't be smart enough.
Fear that I wouldn't be good enough to be a Jedi.
Fear that no master would want me, would be willing to have me
around long enough to train me.
It nearly happened, too. Qui-Gon finally gave in and accepted
me -- grudgingly -- after refusing me five times. FIVE TIMES.
That's 5 separate "no way, kid" replies. And he not only told
me this, he told Yoda, he told the council, he told everyone on
Bandomeer and at the Temple as well.
I'd say that made it pretty official. I think I'm safe in
assuming that I'm not just being hypersensitive and
over-reacting, both of which I have frequently been accused of
being.
He flat did not want me around. Said I was flawed. That I was
angry.
No, I was scared.
I was desperate.
So why did he take me anyway? I think it was guilt. Maybe it
was fatigue. Or maybe it was sheer embarrassment; he just
couldn't turn me down again after I finally did something right
enough to really help him.
I don't know.
I've never forgotten, though, that he didn't want me to be his
Padawan. How could I? I'd always dreamed of being chosen by a
master. "You. Out of all of the initiates, I chose YOU!" It's
every students dream, and one that I dwelled on with unhealthy
frequency. A sigh and grudging agreement was not the way I'd
envisioned it happening.
No warm fuzzies there.
So I tried to be the best Padawan I could be. Better than I
could be, because I knew I wasn't all that great. Certainly not
good enough to be the legendary Master Qui-Gon Jinn's padawan.
I tried my best to be perfect. To have all the answers. To
anticipate anything he might need or want. To stay out of the
way when it wasn't the right time for me to be around. I tried
my best to be the best.
It wasn't good enough.
I learned everything he set before me. I Studied and practiced.
I finally learned not to expect much praise, but to understand
that when one lesson was replaced with another, that meant he
was satisfied with my performance. It was small comfort, but at
least I could measure my progress by that.
Oh, sometimes he'd smile at me. Sometimes he'd tell me "well
done, Padawan" or "thank you, Padawan" for some small courtesy
I'd offered, some need I had correctly anticipated. It was
wonderful. I'd gotten something right. I'd pleased him. Even
better were the moments when he'd put his hand on my shoulder,
just for a second, and I could feel his approval.
I lived for those moments. Hoarded them, cherished them, took
them out again when alone in the dark to admire them anew.
But there weren't that many. Usually I was screwing up
somewhere, over some small detail that nobody't thought to
share with me yet. I hate that,learning by backhand slap --
those situations where they let you screw it up, then tell you
why it was wrong, as though you should have known it all the
time. It happened more than I'd like, which I guess is why I
felt so dumb most of the time.
It would never happen the same way more than once, though. I'd
always find new ways of screwing up each and every time. I
finally figured if I kept screwing up long enough, I'd make all
the mistakes a Jedi could and then I might have a shot at
getting it right.
I'm still working on that part.
My latest error was a biggie. I don't think anyone knows about
it, though, so it's not as bad as it might have been.
It's called complacency. I'd been with my Master for almost 13
years. Within days of half my life. I'd learned his ways and
how to anticipate his needs and his moods. I'd learned to work
my way through his silences. I'd learned to understand what he
was looking for with teaching questions. I'd learned to
research on my own so that when he brought up some strange
subject, I sounded almost half intelligent when he challenged
me unexpectedly with questions on subjects never before
discussed. He was accustomed to having me around. He was
accepting of my presence, my studies, my efforts toward being a
Knight. He even said I'd be a good Jedi some day.
I mistook acceptance of my presence for affection.
Misunderstood basic kindness and tolerance for fondness.
Stupid of me. Just because I love him doesn't mean he has to
feel anything for me.
I thought he did, though. I though he showed some pride in my
efforts, that he was satisfied with what I was accomplishing
under his tutelage.
I guess I was wrong.
He met Prophecy Boy and reminded me of all the things I'd
stupidly forgotten in my emotional euphoria of hopefulness.
"You still have much to learn, my young apprentice."
He said that just outside the council chambers as we watched
the sun set behind Coruscant's skyline. I accepted that. I knew
I had much to learn. So very much. I needed more time.
Then maybe I could make him proud of me. Just a little. But I
only had another year or two at most. I would have to work very
hard to be ready in time.
And then, mere minutes later, when the council rejected Anakin
(as we all knew they would),he rejected me. When told to chose
between us, he didn't hesitate a heartbeat.
"I will take Anakin Skywalker as my Padawan apprentice." Master
Yoda actually had to remind him that he already had an
apprentice, when I stood, trembling, mere meters away. How
quickly I was forgotten.
Stupid me, to forget how tenuous my position was. A mere 13
years and I was lulled into believing in the security of being
his Padawan, believing the promise of being a Knight in just a
few more years.
So much for that.
"He is headstrong, and has much to learn of the living Force,
but he is capable. There is little more he will learn from me."
Not from you. No, Master, it doesn't look like I will learn
anything else from you, if you're teaching someone else. I
won't have the chance.
Yes, failed again, didn't I. Don't forget any of it, now. I
suck as a candidate for Knighthood, but I'm good enough to face
the trials and get out of the way. Yoda doesn't think I'm
ready, but you're okay with this, it seems. I'll take the
trials and come what may, I'll be out of your way. You can keep
your new kid.
He's known me for 13 years. He's known that kid for 48 hours.
That's all it took for him to choose. I always knew I'd lose as
soon as something better came along. And who can argue with The
Chosen One. Damn, if you're going to be outclassed, don't mess
around with someone merely staggeringly superior to you. No,
Kenobi, go pitch yourself against the biggest oracle ever
listed in the prophecies of the Jedi.
Dumb Kenobi versus The One Who Will Bring Balance To The Force.
Yeah, I'd choose him too.
I am worried by all that the council said. Dangerous was not a
word I'd apply to the obnoxiously cute and precocious
Skywalker, but that's what the Council saw. Danger.
I was worried for Qui-Gon upon hearing that. He'd obviously
thrown his heart into Anakin's wellbeing and future. He was
just as blind now as he'd ever been with Xanatos, and I knew
it. How could I not?
I tried to talk to him about it. I tried for the sake of his
safety to get him to at least consider what the council had
said. He wasn't pleased by my observations. He said I was
disrespectful. He told me that it was none of my business. Then
he ordered me on board the Nubian cruiser more harshly than
he'd spoken to me in several years. What was there for me to do
but go? My imput, my company were no longer needed.
My services would necessary on Naboo, but once that situation
was resolved, I'd surely be relieved of any further service to
my Master. Blinking back tears unbecoming a Jedi, I turned to
climb up into the belly of the Nubian ship, pausing at the top
of the gangway just long enough to see my Mas-- no, my former
Master kneeling before his Golden Child, smiling and lecturing
earnestly about something, hands on small shoulders, eyes warm
and friendly.
I'd have all but killed for one of those smiles.
I know now he was saving them for Anakin. Each to his own fate,
right? I was merely marking time for him.
I understand, my Master. I"m sorry I was a burden to you.
The ship is cold and quiet. There is no sharing a cabin with
him this time -- poor shivering little Anakin has moved in
already. It's okay, though. He doesn't want to talk to me
anyway.
I'll just meditate out here in the common area. No worries.
I wonder if I can get to our quarters before they do when we
get back to Coruscant and grab my stuff? It won't take long.
I'll run. Anakin's legs are too short and he talks too much to
get there with any speed.
I glance over toward the cabin, wishing...but the door remains
shut. I get to hang out here in the common area with the rest
of the general masses. And the Gungan.
Who's the pathetic life form now, Kenobi?
I can't stand this anymore. This silence. This sense of being
dismissed from his presence and his life and his mind, all so
suddenly and completely. I can't go into battle like this. I'm
too distracted. My heart hurts too badly, Master. Please talk
to me? Just once more?
"Master, I am ashamed of my behavior. It's not my place to be
difficult about the boy," I begin.
He finally deigns to look at me. Another glance, not so cool as
before, but far from the affectionate look I'd grown accustomed
to over the years.
Yeah, yeah. Great Jedi Knight. You forsee this. Not 'who is'
but who 'will be.' Who is headstrong and has much to learn of
the living force. I gotcha. You don't have to lay it on so
thick. At least you confessed that you don't really believe
that I'm ready.
Nice to know I'm not alone in that assessment.
At least he touched me.
He shepherds his charge through the fighting, sees him safely
settled before turning to our battle. And battle it is. The
Sith is there. I know what is coming next, and I am far from
disappointed.
My Master is disappointed. First thing out of the box, Kenobi
gets kicked -- KICKED -- off a catwalk and out of the fight.
Gods, no wonder he's disappointed in me. I get into my first
real test, and I fail, first attempt. The council is right to
judge who is ready for the trials. Sure as hell isn't Kenobi.
I manage to get back up, get back into the fight, but I'm too
slow. Too late.
He's not waiting on his inept Padawan. Why should he? He'll
handle it by himself rather than let me screw it up again.
And because you couldn't trust me at your side, because you
didn't feel I could offer anything to the fight, you went on to
fight him by tourself.
And because you didn't have a worthy Padawan at your side, you
died.
I managed to pull a save out of this mess at the last moment,
but it wasn't through skill. I don't have enough skill. I won
because of Sith overconfidence. He stopped fighting, so my
meager skills were enough when meeting no real resistance.
He died. I lived.
And I ran to you.
It was the worst moment I have ever experienced.
Watching you struggle to breath. Feeling you struggle to live.
I wanted you to live. I wanted it with every fiber of my being.
I would have done anything to keep you alive. I wished it was
me dying instead of you. It should have been me.
You spoke to me. You knew I was there.
And you asked me to train your new Padawan for you.
My heart just shattered, Master. I can't possibly refuse you,
and you know it. But if I'm not good enough for you, how can
you trust me to train your Chosen One?
Oh, because no one else will. I understand now. It's not faith
in me, it's lack of choices.
I will do it, Master, because I love you.
At least he touched me.
And the miracle happened; you lived. I am more grateful for
that fact than you'll ever know. Even if you do not wish to be
my master anymore, I would not have you dead. Just knowing that
you're in the universe someplace brings me comfort. I selfishly
tried my best to assure that you could stay, that you had a
chance to live because I need you here.
And while I stood by like an idiot, watching you breathe, your
Chosen One flew an unfamiliar fighter to blow up the droid
control ship, end the seige by the Trade Federation and
single-handedly save both the Naboo and the Gungans. And
indirectly, us.
While I sat on my ass and cried because my Master was hurt.
You chose the right one, Master. Stay with the boy. His
potential is staggering, and I know you will not be
disappointed by him. He will not fail you as I have.
And now I'm in limbo. A knight, but not a worthy one. They
didn't know how stupid that fight with the Sith really was, how
totally useless I was. I managed to surprise a Sith who was
very tired, had a broken lightsaber and was gloating in
overconfident victory. Had he stayed on his toes, I'd be toast,
too. And for that, I'm now a knight when nobody found me worthy
of kitchen duty the night before. Forgive me for doubting this,
but I can recognize an honorable mention award when it's dumped
in my lap.
I'm still assigned to my Mas-- my former master in some
capacity I do not understand. I'm kinda sorta the teacher for
Anakin, though everyone knows his master is really Master
Qui-Gon. And where does that leave me?
It leaves me lonely, alone, incompletely trained and without
proper quarters, since these really belong to Anakin. I'm
packed, and I'm ready to go, just as soon as the Master catches
up on demands just a little bit. As soon as he no longer needs
my help as he heals. and no longer needs me as a constant
babysitter and preschool teacher.
He says he loves me. Says he wants me here.
Why is he saying this? Does he feel guilty, since I'm the one
that kept him going until the healers reached him? Maybe a
little guilty that he didn't really want to finish training me?
That's as likely an explanation as any. And Gods forgive me,
I'm so needy I'll take whatever crumbs he's willing to toss me.
I do love him. Whatever happens, I will always love him. My
"father," the legendary Qui-Gon Jinn. Who could ask for better?
I had the best. I was the one who wasn't good enough to stay.
My fault, as always. And my loss.
I wish ....
No.
Never mind.
It doesn't matter.
It won't change.
It never will.
When I was small, I had many fears. Fear that I wouldn't be big
enough. Fear that I wouldn't be smart enough. Fear that I
wouldn't be good enough to be a Jedi.
Fear that no Master would want me, would be willing to have me
around long enough to train me.
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