Master Apprentice Archive Of Smoke And Blood Quick search:

Archive: m_a

Pairing: unrequited X/J

Rating: R for disturbing imagery (disturbed me anyway and i wrote it!)

Warnings: dark but not graphically so

Disclaimers: i did not kill JFK... oh and i don't own anything to do with the starwars universe either.

Feedback: yes please! on or off list

Summary: Xan is in the process of turning

Notes: i would like to thank my cacti for not dying when i wrote this.

Of Smoke and Blood.

I can see you standing straight and tall by the waters edge. You're gazing across this water world's endless ocean almost wistfully.

I wonder what you'd see on my face if you turned to look? Wonder? Determination? The facial statements of the proper padawan I'll never be. But then you don't know that, do you Master?

You're here to mediate another pointless dispute between two species barely sentient enough to stop eating each other. I once would have said that 'we' were here -acting in an open partnership, but that time is now long past and on my part, completely forgotten. Some times I forget that you're still living on with the fantasy. That I'm not slipping deeper and deeper into
the grey. My colours are changing and soon my alliances will follow suit.

What will finally push me over? What will let the grey slip even closer to black. I can feel shadows of the darkness already threading through my soul. With every breath they bind me tighter. I can't breath the light any more but I can breath in smoke, and I can feel it flowing through my veins. I wonder what colour I'd bleed if I cut myself? I think it would flow black
against my white skin. Long trails of slow moving liquid would form a spider's web across my still body.

I've seen my death in dreams. But then I've always bleed red, the colour staining my clothes and pooling on the floor. Is it morbid to dream of death and enjoy it? Knowing that all the loneliness will one day end. I think that you will be the death of me Master. This amuses me. I smile even now and you smile back, bemused at my sudden change of spirits.

That you would destroy me I've always known. I needed a center. Something to balance my precarious soul against. I couldn't find balance in myself so I sought it in you. I needed to belong, somewhere, to somebody. Anything that would give me a sense of belonging-of home.

Home.

The idea is abstract to me. You could have been home to me Master. I could have loved you. Your body I would have painstakingly mapped and claimed for my own. In your mind I could have quenched this dangerous fire that drives
smoke through my veins. But in your soul I could have found the companionship to force this aching loneliness away.

But now the flames leap out of control and the smoke rises filling my soul. You fuel this burning Master. I offered myself for all time, this life and beyond.

You did not notice.

My heart was on a platter for you only. It still remains on that platter but now it's pumping the dark blood around my body. The slow beats are slowly killing me as my body screams out for violent release. My love for you was my weakness. Of fear I have very little. It was twisted devotion that brought me to my knees.
 

-Finis-