by VelmaDoo (velmadoo@angelfire.com) and RavenD
(ravendreams@earthlink.net)
Archive: master_apprentice, World of Pretty Boys, anyone else,
pls. ask
Author's web page: http://www.ravenswing.com/EVILTWINS/
Category: humor
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: spew
Spoilers: none
Summary: A parody of the Dr. Seuss holiday classic
Notes: There's a special place in hell reserved for Velma.
Raven's just along for the ride. All mistakes are ours.
Feedback: If you dare.
Disclaimers: We are so, so sorry. Lucas would choke on his
teeth. Dr. Seuss is rolling over in his grave.
How the Sith Stole Lifeday
by VelmaDoo and RavenD
All the Jedi in the Temple liked Life Day a lot,
But the Sith, who lived under the Temple did not.
The Sith hated Life Day, the whole Life Day season
Now please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be perhaps that his shorts were too tight
It could be his cock ring wasn't screwed on just right
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his dick was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his shorts or his ring
He stood there on Life Day eve hating the thing.
He knew all the Jedi in the Temple above
Were busy preparing for hot monkey love.
"They're rouging their nipples," he snarled with a leer
"Tomorrow is Life Day! It's practically here."
He growled with his Sith fingers nervously drumming,
"I must find a way to stop Jedi from coming!"
For tomorrow he knew the big braid-girls and boys
Would wake hot and horny and grab their sex toys.
And then oh the noise! Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise!
That's the one thing he hated - all the boy-toys' joy noise!
"And then comes the part that I hate most of all.
They all stand together, the tall and the small
They stand really close with the Life Day bells clanging
They stand in the nude and they all start gang-banging!
They'd bang! And they'd bang!
Andthey'd gang-bang, gang-bang!
And the more the Sith thought of the Jedi gang-bang,
The more the Sith drawled, "I'd best stop this whole thang.
"Why for thousands of years I've put up with it now.
We've got to stop Jedi from coming! But how?"
Then he got an idea -- a Dark side idea
The Sith got a low-down, malignant idea.
"I know just what to do," the Sith snarked with a croak
And he made a quick padawan braid and a cloak.
"All I need is a love slave." The Sith looked around,
But since love slaves are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Sith? No, the Sith simply said,
"If I can't find a love slave, I'll make one instead."
So he took his friend Maul and he took some red thread
And he tied little horns to the top of his head.
He got sacks and some chains and a red rubber ball.
He hopped in this speeder and he gagged up old Maul.
He started the speeder and took off like a shot
Towards the Temple where Jedi were fucking... a lot
All the hallways were dark Muffled groans filled the air.
All the Jedi were bumping uglies without care.
When he came to the first little door that was there.
"This is stop number one," the fake padawan hissed.
Then he entered the room, his cock in his fist.
There were little lace stockings, all hung in a row.
"Those stockings," he said, "are the first things to go."
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant
Around the whole room, and he took every present.
Butt plugs and vibrators! Nipple clamps! Feathers!
Lubricants! Whips and chains! Handcuffs and leathers!
And he gathered them up. Then the Sith, very nimbly,
Stuffed the sex toys, one by one, "up the chimney".
Then he slunk to the 'fresher and took all their lube.
He went through the cabinets and took every tube.
He searched all the corners - he picked the place clean.
That Sith even took their half-used vaseline.
The Maul grabbed the lube and cackled with glee.
"Oh, joy!" said his lackey, "you can give it to me."
And the Sith grabbed Maul's ass and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast and he saw a cute guy
L'il Obi-Wan Kenobi, looking rumpled and shy.
The Sith had been caught by this padawan-whore
Who had snuck out of bed to avoid Qui-Gon's snore.
He stared at the Sith and said, "Padawan, why?
Why are you taking our nipple clamps? Why?"
And you know, that old Sith was so smart and so slick
That he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.
"Why, you cute little sexpot," the fake padawan lied.
"There's a spring on these clamps that won't latch on one
side.
So I'm taking them back to my workshop, my dear.
I'll fix them up there and I'll bring them back here."
The fib fooled the twit and he patted his head
And he gave him some ear plugs and sent him to bed.
When his exit was covered by Qui-Gon's loud snore.
He picked up the lube and he made for the door.
And the one anal bead that he left in the house
Was a bead that was even too small for a mouse.
Then he did the same thing to the other Jedi's houses
Leaving beads much too small for the other Jedi's mouses.
It was quarter past dawn. All the Jedi a-bed,
All the Jedi a-snooze, when he packed up and fled.
Packed up all their sex toys! Their lube and their whips!
Their porn and their photographs! Their oil and their clips!
Three thousand feet down, down the side of the Temple.
"I took all their sex toys - it was really quite simple."
"Pooh, pooh to the Jedi," he was Sithily humming.
"They're finding out now that no Jedi are coming."
"They're just waking up. I know just what they'll do.
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then the Jedi in the Temple will all cry 'Boo-hoo'."
"That's a noise," grinned the Sith, "that I simply must
hear.
So he paused, and the Sith put a hand to his ear.
From the Temple, a sound reached his lair, far below.
It started in low and it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad. Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so, but it was merry! Very!
He stared up at the Temple. The Sith popped his eyes.
Then he shook! What he saw was a fucking surprise.
Every Jedi in the Temple, the big and the small,
Was fucking! Without any sex toys at all!
He hadn't stopped Jedi from coming. They came!
Somehow or other, they came just the same.
And the Sith, looking up from his hideout below
Stood puzzling and puzzling. "How could it be so?"
"They came without dildos! They came without paddles!
They came without riding crops, bridles or saddles!"
And he jerked off three hours 'til his penis was sore,
Then the Sith thought of something he hadn't before.
He smacked his own forehead. "Why, it's simple, of
course!
Maybe Jedi," he thought, "lubricate with the Force!"
And what happened then? Well, the Jedi they say,
That the Sith's tiny cock grew three sizes that day.
And the minute his balls didn't feel quite so tight,
He shot off his load in the bright morning light.
And he brought back the toys and the bottles of lube
And the Sith, he himself...
The Sith... well, you all can figure out what he did, use your
imaginations. What? We have to spoon feed you everything?
Archive 