Master
Apprentice Archive
The Tale of Sir Obi-Wan
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Category: Humour/parody
Warnings: hinted-at slash, profound silliness
Rating: PG, I suppose...
Reprints: Master and Apprentice. All others ask first, please.
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns the characters. I just play with them when he's not looking. Based on "Monty Python and the Holy Grail, scene 11", copyright Python (Monty) Pictures, Ltd. No copyright infringement intended.
Also based on Kaiburr's "And now, for something completely different, pts.A-D". The Holy Hyperdrive is Master Yo-Gurt's (from "We are the Jedi Knights who say..."). For amusement only.
Feedback: Always... master_fishgoat@yahoo.com [BTW I'm not on the mailing list.]
Summary: Monty Python and the Holy Grail once again meet The Phantom Menace...eek!
Notes: Kaiburr started this all. Thanks so much to Kaiburr
and Master Yo-gurt for the feedback and silliness. Between
the three of us we might actually get the whole movie
done...["Run away! Run away!"]
[Obi-Wan struggles through the underbrush of a strange planet. Suddenly he feels a disturbance in the Force, centred on a large castle ahead on a hill. He pushes onward hopefully, but he is getting exhausted. Finally he reaches the door and knocks.] OBI-WAN: [pound pound pound] Open the door! Open the door![pound pound pound] In the name of the Jedi Council, open the door! [With a squeak and a thump Obi-Wan falls as the door opens. He looks up to see five or so beautiful maidens wearing long, flowing gowns.] ALL: Hello! PADMÉ: Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Planet Anthrax. OBI-WAN:[confused] The Planet Anthrax? PADMÉ: Yes... oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need! OBI-WAN: [mutters to himself] We were supposed to end up on Tatooine...[getting up] You are the keepers of the Holy Hyperdrive? PADMÉ: The what? OBI-WAN: The Hyperdrive -- it is here? PADMÉ: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Eirtaé! Rabé! EIRTAÉ and RABÉ: Yes, oh Padmé! PADMÉ: Prepare a bed for our guest. EIRTAÉ and RABÉ: [gleefully] Oh thank you thank you thank you-- PADMÉ: Away, away varletesses. [to Obi-wan, suggestively] The beds here are warm and soft - -- and very, very big. OBI-WAN: [flustered] Well, look, I-I-uh-- PADMÉ: What is your name, handsome knight? OBI-WAN: Sir Obi-Wan... the Chased. PADMÉ: Mine is Padmé...[leans up against him]... just Padmé. [takes his hand] Oh, but come! OBI-WAN: [desperately] Look, please! In the Force's name, show me the Hyperdrive! PADMÉ: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! OBI-WAN: [frantic] L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the-- PADMÉ: Sir Obi-Wan! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality. OBI-WAN: [abashed] Well, I-I-uh- [Padmé leads Obi-Wan down the hallway and they enter a room.] PADMÉ: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life -- bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. [Obi-Wan tries to move away] Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. [sees blood on his tunic] Oh, but you are wounded! OBI-WAN: No, no -- i-it's nothing! PADMÉ: Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. [clap clap ] [Two more maidens, Saché and Yané, arrive.] SACHÉ: Ah. What seems to be the trouble? OBI-WAN: They're doctors?! PADMÉ: Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. OBI-WAN: B-but-- PADMÉ: Oh, come, come, you must try to rest! Doctor Saché, Doctor Yané, practice your art. SACHÉ: Try to relax. [starts removing his robe and tunic] OBI-WAN: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? SACHÉ: We must examine you. [lifts the tunic off his crotch. Obi-Wan hastily covers himself.] OBI-WAN: There's nothing wrong with that! [the women look at each other and smile in agreement.] YANÉ: Please -- we are doctors. OBI-WAN: [agitated] Get off the bed! I am sworn to follow the Code! SACHÉ: Back to your bed! OBI-WAN: [jumping up] Torment me no longer! I have seen the Hyperdrive! SACHÉ: There's no Hyperdrive here. OBI-WAN: I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen-- ! [stumbles in his haste to leave, enters another room] GIRLS: [pleased and surprised] Hello. OBI-WAN: Oh - [looks in wonder and some embarrassment at all the lovely women in the large room.] VARIOUS GIRLS: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. [As he wanders through the room in a bemused state, Obi-Wan bumps into a familiar face.] OBI-WAN: Padmé! SABÉ: No, I am Padmé's identical twin sister, Sabé. OBI-WAN: Oh, well, excuse me, I-- SABÉ: Where are you going? OBI-WAN: I seek the Hyperdrive! I have felt it through the Force, here in this castle! [Sabe thinks for a moment, then suddenly looks upset.] SABÉ: Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Padmé! OBI-WAN: What is it? SABÉ: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Padmé! ... She has been turning on the air conditioner, which, I just remembered, has the same Force signature as a hyperdrive. It's not the first time we've had this problem. OBI-WAN: [very disappointed] It's not the real Hyperdrive?! SABÉ: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Padmé! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty -- and here on Planet Anthrax, we have but one punishment for turning on the air conditioner when it is cold and rainy. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her! GIRLS: [clapping and jumping with glee] A spanking! A spanking! SABÉ: You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me. VARIOUS GIRLS: And spank me. And me. And me. SABÉ: Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! SABÉ: And after the spanking, the oral sex. GIRLS: Oral sex! Oral sex! OBI-WAN: [quite agreeably] Well, I could stay a BIT longer... [Qui-Gon rushes into the room, lightsabre activated.] QUI-GON: Padawan! OBI-WAN: [distractedly] Oh, hello. QUI-GON: Quick! OBI-WAN: What? QUI-GON: Quick! [starts dragging Obi-Wan away] OBI-WAN: Why? QUI-GON: You're in great peril! SABÉ: No he isn't . QUI-GON: [glaring jealously] Silence, foul Sith spawn! OBI-WAN: [irritated] Now look, it's not important. QUI-GON: Quick! Come on and I'll cover your escape! OBI-WAN: Look, I'm fine! QUI-GON: Come on! [more dragging] OBI-WAN: Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed! SABÉ: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! GIRLS: Yes! Tackle us single-handed! QUI-GON: No, Obi-Wan, come on! [pulls harder] OBI-WAN: No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily! SABÉ: Oh, yes, let him handle us easily. [tried to grab Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon threatens her with his lightsabre] GIRLS: Yes, yes! OBI-WAN: Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them! SABÉ: Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily, we haven't a chance. GIRLS: Yes, yes. [Qui-Gon manages to drag a reluctant Obi-Wan out the door. The door slams shut.] SABÉ: Oh, poodoo! [stamps her foot and pouts] [outside the castle...] QUI-GON: [walking quickly] I was in the nick of time, you were in great peril. OBI-WAN: [annoyed] I don't think I was. QUI-GON: Yes you were, you were in terrible peril. OBI-WAN: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. QUI-GON: No, it's too perilous. OBI-WAN: Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can! QUI-GON: No, we've got to find the Hyperdrive. Come on! OBI-WAN: Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? QUI-GON: No, it's unhealthy. OBI-WAN: [grumbles] Bet you're gay. [Qui-Gon stops in his tracks and gives his Padawan a long, intense, lustful stare. Obi-Wan is taken aback, then grins. They quickly leave to find a convenient spot, Obi-Wan leering at his Master.] [Some time later...] OBI-WAN: Master? QUI-GON: [sighing contentedly] Yes, Obi-Wan? OBI-WAN: May we go back and face the peril together? [They look at each other, break into lecherous grins and, quickly getting dressed, run back through the woods to the castle.] [END] ...for now...