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The Tale of Sir Maul

by Fishgoat (Nov/99)

[VOICE OVER: As Darth Maul, the meanest and most
expensively tattooed of the Sith, lost his way in the
Dune Sea, on faraway Coruscant, a celebration was
underway.]

PALPATINE: (looking out the window) One day, boy, all
this will be yours.
ANI: What, the curtains?!?
PALPATINE: No, not the curtains, boy! All that you can
see, stretched out over the star systems of this
Galaxy. That'll be your Empire, boy.
ANI: But Sidious --
PALPATINE: Palpatine, I'm Palpatine.
ANI: But Palpatine, sir, I don't want any of that.
PALPATINE: Listen, young Skywalker, I built this still
as yet hidden Empire up from nothing. My lackeys said
I was daft to build an Empire, so I did it anyway just
to show them. I made my plans. The Jedi discovered
them. So, I made some more plans. The Jedi discovered
those. So I made even more plans. The Jedi discovered
them, blew up the Trade Federation Command Ship and
defeated their Droid Army on Naboo. But my fourth plan
has been undetected. And that plan will ensure my
victory.
ANI: But I don't want any of that. I'd ratheró
PALPATINE: Rather what?
ANI: I'd rather...just...FLY!! [makes spaceship
noises]
PALPATINE: Now stop that! In a few hours, you are
going to be apprenticed to a  powerful Jedi Master. I
want you to learn all those stinking Jedi lightsabre
techniques, and get me LOTS of blackmail material as
well.
ANI: But I don't want to be a Jedi.
PALPATINE: Listen, Maul ---
ANI: Anakin.
PALPATINE: Right, Anakin.  There are only two of us
Sith. We need all the new fighting techniques we can
get!!
ANI: But, sir, I don't like the Jedi!
PALPATINE: Don't like them?!?! What's wrong with them?
They're powerful, they're strong, they've got
huge...lightsabres...
ANI: I know. But the master I want to serve must have
that certain...special...spaceship...[makes more
spaceship noises]
PALPATINE: Now cut that out!!! You are going to be
apprenticed to Master Qui-Gon Jinn, so you'd better
get used to it. [stomps out of the room. Anakin makes
a face at the now gone Palpatine, then starts making
spaceship noises again.]
PALPATINE: (from the other room) And no more spaceship
noises!

[Ani sighs. He looks around the room, sees the com
console, and surreptitiously sends off a distress
transmission...]

[Meanwhile, on Tatooine, Darth Maul gets an
interesting message from his probe droids who have
finally found him. They lead him back to his ship,
which had been only a few metres away. The ship takes
off.

Some time later...

Inside the Jedi Council Chamber, the Council has just
knighted Obi-Wan Kenobi and is now hosting an informal
reception. In celebration, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are off
in the corner by the door, leisurely necking. Yoda
watches, annoyed. Depa Billaba and Adi Gallia are
making lewd comments about the pair, while Mace Windu
also watches from across the room, giggling behind his
drink. The rest of the councilors are ignoring them.]

YODA: (stamping his gimmer stick on the floor)
Passion, there is not! Serenity, there is!

DEPA: (to Yoda) Oh, I don't know, Master, they look
pretty serene to me. (grins)

[Yoda scowls at her and walks off. Depa and Adi look
at each other and laugh. They look back at the amorous
couple, do a double take, then produce Olympic score
cards of 9.8 and 9.9 respectively. Mace cheers and
applauds. The two men look up, startled, see the
cards, then blush scarlet. The other Council members
glance over, smirk, then resume their conversations.

Suddenly Darth Maul rushes into the Council chamber,
slashing and hacking his way through the guests. Eeth
Koth and Yareal Poof are beheaded. Yaddle manages to
slash Maul's achilles tendon but gets kicked in the
head for her trouble. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan block the
exit with their lightsabres...No! No! the BLUE and
GREEN ones!...but Maul's pain feeds his anger and he
attacks viciously. Qui-Gon is stabbed in the chest and
Obi-Wan's tunic is slashed to ribbons. Maul spares him
an appreciative glance before running out of the room.
Obi-Wan, horrified, rushes to Qui-Gon's side.]

OBI-WAN: Master! (clutches Qui-Gon's body and sobs.)

QUI-GON: (groaning) You're...crushing...me....

OBI-WAN: Sorry... (takes his weight off of his Master)

[Darth Maul rushes to Palpatine's office.]

MAUL: Oh Master, I came as soon as I got your message
-- (sees Ani) Oh. It's you. (scowls)

PALPATINE: Message?

ANI: (to Maul) You got my message!!

PALPATINE: (loudly) What message?!?

ANI: Um...

MAUL: The message to come to Curuscant and wipe out
the Jedi.

PALPATINE: WHAT!?!

(utter silence)

PALPATINE: (quietly) And did you?

MAUL: (disappointed) No, Master, I was only able to
kill three of them.

PALPATINE: (coldly) And would one of those Jedi you
killed by chance happen to be a tall, male humanoid
with a beard, mustache and long brown and gray hair?

MAUL: (hopefully) Why yes, Master. Was he an especial
enemy of yours?

PALPATINE: You fool! He was the Jedi Master I was to
apprentice Anakin to!! Now my plans are ruined!!
Anakin, YOU are now my official apprentice.

MAUL: (spluttering) But...but...I thought I was your
apprentice!!

PALPATINE: Not anymore! Slay him, Anakin!

[Maul whips out his red lightsabre...*grumble* The
OTHER red one!!... but before he can attack, Anakin
slices Maul in half.]

MAUL: Shit. [dies]

[Ani smiles, pleased. He turns off his sabre only to
see Palpatine staring at him, quietly enraged. His
smile fades.]

ANI: Um...does this mean I no longer have to be a
padawan?

PALPATINE: (briskly, suddenly getting an idea) No,
Ani, my plans are not yet totally destroyed. Come.
[turns and leaves]

[Ani lets out a dramatic sigh and follows his official
Master, who drags the upper half of Maul's carcass
with him.]

PALPATINE: Do not worry, my apprentice. I'll let you
have Maul's ship.

ANI: Wizard!!

[Soon they enter the council chamber to survey the
pandemonium. All turn and gasp when they see what
Palpatine is dragging behind him.]

PALPATINE: My most respected Jedi, the Dark Warrior
who has caused so much anguish has been bested by this
young lad here. [murmurs go through the crowd as
Palpatine roughly shoves Ani forward. Ani glares at
him, then puts on his "cherub" face. Palpatine fights
down the nausea.] His name is Anakin Skywalker, and he
has come all the way from Tatooine to become a Jedi. 
Since he is an orphan, I raised Ani here as if I were
his own dad -- 
ANI: (to himself) Yeah, right, slave more like...
PALPATINE: - in the firm and legally binding sense - 
MACE: But, he's only a boy!! How could he possibly
kill a Sith Lord????
PALPATINE: Oh come now!! Let's not bicker and argue
about who killed who. Ani has joined me to celebrate
the joyful occasion of the knighting of Master Qui-Gon
Jinn's apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  

[There is a smattering of ragged applause, punctuated
by wailing from the corner where Qui-Gon is lying on
the ground. Palpatine looks over, and gets another
idea. Feigning shock and surprise, he continues his
speech.]
 
PALPATINE: Oh, dear, I had no idea -- um, I was going
to ask permission of the council to have Anakin tested
and become Master Jinn's apprentice, but since he has
perished in most untimely circumstances --
OBI-WAN: (sniff) He's not quite dead yet.
PALPATINE: Er...since he has come so close to death as
to be considered dead -- 
OBI-WAN: (joyfully)I think he's coming around!
PALPATINE: (with great emphasis) Since your Master,
who, when it seemed he was just on the verge of
recovery, suddenly felt the icy Hand of Death upon
him...[uses the Force to crush Qui-Gon's windpipe]
MACE: He's kicked off!
OBI-WAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [collapses on
Qui-Gon's chest, wailing]
PALPATINE: Right. I would like to request that his
former padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, become Anakin's Master
instead. 
ANI: (shocked) You're going to saddle me with that
blubbering idiot?!?
PALPATINE: (grinning) Yes, that
much-more-easily-manipulated blubbering idiot, who
also happens to be a great warrior in his own right,
and very cute besides.
ANI: [nods in understanding] Ohh...[grins evilly]

[Yoda comes forward.]

YODA: Tested, he must be. [Takes a pin and pricks
Ani's finger with it. Yoda puts the blood sample in a
little machine and checks the readout.] A very high
midichlorian count in him there is. Yet much anger and
insolence in him I sense.

[Palpatine mind whammies Obi-Wan, who immediately
jumps up, ignoring his dead lover.]

OBI-WAN: Master Yoda, I WILL train Anakin, without the
Council's permission if I must. [stops, looks
confused]
Yoda: (sighing) Agree with this I do not, but Knight
you are now. Your apprentice Skywalker will be. 
OBI-WAN: (bows)Thank you, Master Yoda...I think...

[He looks at Anakin, who smiles his most cherubic
smile. Palpatine gags. Obi-Wan is reassured. He walks
over to Ani and Palpatine.]

PALPATINE: (to Obi-Wan) Well, that was pleasant. You
know, I will miss the boy, but I like to think of
myself as not losing a son, but gaining a Jedi.
OBI-WAN: Thank you, Supreme Chancellor. (to himself)
How could I have taken a padawan at a time like this,
so recently bereft of my only love and Master?

 [Obi-Wan starts to blubber quietly. Ani shakes his
head in disgust, then pats his unofficial Master on
the back in token comfort. Suddenly the carcass of
Darth Maul moves, and a hand shoots up to clutch
Obi-Wan's crotch. Obi-Wan yelps.]

OBI-WAN: He's not quite dead yet!
PALPATINE: Oh bloody hell.... [stamps on Maul's neck.
Maul stills.]
OBI-WAN: Quick, padawan, lets get out of here. This
way. 

[He leaves the room, Ani following, giving a last
pleading look to his unofficial Master. Palpatine
smirks at Ani. The door closes.]

PALPATINE: (to himself, looking at Maul) It's a good
thing I didn't bring the bottom half. 


 [END]