Shadows of the Past

by Angelica ( lilithschilde@roadrunner.com )

Archive: m_a, all other just ask!

Rating: PG 13

Pairing: ?

Category: Angst

Warnings: Discussion of rape

Disclaimers: I don't own anything related to Star Wars excepted the toys, stand-ups, diorama's, posters, books, comics, dvd's... I don't OWN Star Wars. That's George Lucas. He's the rich one, I'm the poor one that grovels at his feet and throws money his way whenever possible. I know, it's easy to confuse us.

Spoilers: JA books, TPM

Feedback: Please?

Summary: Qui-Gon must have a discussion with a young woman before he leaves to go to Naboo, and tell her about her parents.

Notes, warnings, and anything else I can think of: Special thanks to my Master, Master Jenn. She's the best!! This story takes place *during* TPM. It's set right after they return from Tatooine and before they leave for Naboo. Nothing in this story strays from cannon! (How'd that happen?) I just added some stuff in there. ;o) An explanation to my pairing listed above. There is no slash in this fic. (boo...) Sorry. There are hints that it certainly could happen, at least from one character's POV. Hope you enjoy!

"There is something I need to take care of before we leave again, Padawan. I'd like you to accompany me."

Obi-Wan eyed his Master curiously, but nodded and followed him, ever the obedient Padawan, even if his Master didn't want him any more.

It had been only a few hours since they had stood before the Council, and Qui-Gon had made it clear that he no longer wanted Obi-Wan as his Apprentice. Young Anakin Skywalker would take his place now. Although the Masters of the Council had not approved this, Obi-Wan knew it would come to pass, and accepted it as best he could. His Master, the closest person in his life for the past twelve years, was dismissing him. Qui-Gon had been kind enough to try to spare his feelings by saying Obi-Wan was ready to face the trials, but the young man knew it was all for show. He wasn't ready, not yet.

As they arrived in the gymnasium, Obi-Wan surveyed the area and found himself drawn to an Apprentice and Master near the center of the room. The Master was circling her Padawan, giving her encouragement as the girl practiced. Obi-Wan recognized the Master as Knight Mi-lyn. She was a petite woman with olive colored skin, and dark hair and eyes. She was known to be an aggressive negotiator, a skilled swordsman, and very connected to the Unifying Force. The girl she was watching had skin the color of fine porcelain and long blonde curls, caught up in a silver hair clasp. Pale blue-gray eyes shone from behind her long blonde lashes. She was taller than her master by about six inches, and though slender, looked quite wiry. But what caught his eye was the fact that the girl was suspended three feet in the air, and was deftly twirling two lightsabers around her body while performing a tenth year kata. Obi-Wan glanced over to his Master, and realized Qui-Gon too was watching the performance.

As the pace of the kata increased, the girl closed her eyes. To those that were Force sensitive, they could see the Force being drawn into the Padawan, allowing her to find her focus and move more and more quickly. With sudden alacrity, the flurry of movement stopped, the girl dropping to the ground and bowing before her Master. Though the girl tried not show her pride in the accomplishment, her eye's twinkled and her lips fought a smile. Knight Mi-lyn put a hand on her shoulder and said a few words that made the girl loose her battle and smile openly. It was then that Qui-Gon stepped towards the two.

Knight My-lin bowed respectfully to the approaching Master. "Master Jinn, what a pleasure to see you."

"Thank you, Knight My-lin. I was wondering if I might have a few words with your Padawan?"

Obi-Wan noted that while the girl seemed surprised to be asked to speak with a Master she did not know, her Master did not. It almost seemed as if the woman had been expecting this.

"Of course. We were just finishing up, and after that performance, I think she deserves to quit a few minutes early."

"Indeed. It was most impressive. I wasn't aware that any of the eighth-years had perfected the Flying Draigon kata. Nor was I aware that any of the Padawans at the temple had begun to practice their katas while being levitated several feet in the air."

The hint of reproach in his Master's voice seemed odd to Obi-Wan. Why would his Master be worried about another Padawan's training? Knight My-lin either didn't notice, or let herself be unaffected by the Master's words.

"Alex had mastered all the lower level katas, and insisted on being allowed to learn this one. She added the levitation on her own, to increase the difficulty. I was as surprised as anyone at what she was attempting, but I know my Padawan, and know her abilities. She would not attempt something so dangerous unless she was sure she could handle it."

Qui-Gon turned to the Apprentice, obviously surprised. "You added the levitation? So you mean to tell me that you performed a kata that is two years above you, while levitating yourself several feet in the air?"

Alexandrea bowed deeply before the Master. "Yes, Master Jinn," she said softy, looking to her Master for support.

Qui-Gon simply nodded. "Impressive indeed. You are far above your age-mates in your 'saber katas."

"And in Force manipulation, Master. I have completed the twelfth-year classes already."

Qui-Gon's eyebrows raised at the comment. "You must be quite proud of yourself, Padawan."

"I am happy with what I have achieved, but know that I could not have accomplished these things without my Master's guidance and support. I am proud that I have proven worthy to be her Padawan."

Obi-Wan did not fail to notice the grin on Knight My-lin's face that she tried to hide as she began to speak. "Perhaps you'd like to walk with Alex to have your discussion? Perhaps the Master's gardens? My Padawan has never been there, and I'm sure she'd very much like to see them."

Qui-Gon nodded and motioned for the Padawan to follow. "Obi-Wan, I'd like you to come with us, please." The words sounded more like a command than a request, and Obi-Wan couldn't imagine what Qui-Gon was up to. Yet again, he found himself following his Master dutifully.

No words were spoken as they walked through the halls and up the few floors to the Master's private gardens. Only Master's and their guests were allowed access to these particular gardens, and Obi-Wan was sure that Alex had never been here before, seeing as her Master was still a Knight. Even Knight My-lin seemed in awe of their beauty.

Qui-Gon brought them to a secluded corner of the garden and sat down on the soft grass.

"I'll be wandering, if you need me," Knight My-lin said to her Padawan. "Obi-Wan, would you mind showing me around?"

Obi-Wan looked to his Master, and when Qui-Gon nodded he moved away with My-lin, motioning to the small path that surrounded the nearby pond. The Knight stopped once they were out of earshot, and watched her Padawan out of the corner of her eye.

"Knight My-lin? Is there something I should know about?"

"I'm sure your Master will explain everything in due time. For now, though, I'd like to give them some privacy, but stay nearby incase I'm needed."

Obi-Wan sighed, realizing he wasn't going to get anywhere with his line of questioning, and decided he'd have to wait to find out what was going on in his Master's head.

Qui-Gon took a deep, calming breath as the Padawan kneeled nervously before him. She watched him carefully, obviously concerned about what she could have done to gain his attention. He hadn't meant to make her so nervous, but he'd waited far too long to have this conversation with her, and he simply couldn't put it off any longer. He and Obi-Wan were leaving for Naboo tonight, and he had been having disturbing feelings about this mission since arriving on Tatooine a few days earlier. He wanted to speak to the girl now, while they were both on Coruscant, and before anything could happen to further delay him.

"Thank you for joining me. I know you must be very confused, but I assure you, you've done nothing wrong," he began, keeping his voice calm in the hopes of allying her fears. "There is something I've been meaning to talk to you about for some time now, but it seems as if something always happened to keep me from doing so."

Taking another deep breath to center himself, Qui-Gon continued. "What do you know of your parents?"

The girl shook her head as if thinking she didn't hear him correctly. "Very little, Master. I know that my mother was a Jedi Knight, and that she was killed while on a mission to the planet Nagonees. There was a sandstorm, and she was trying to rescue the villagers by creating a Force barrier around their encampment. She succeeded, but in the end was overcome by the storm and was killed. I have no memories of her. I was less than a year old when she died. I have one picture of her, from her knighting ceremony. I tried to get more information, but most of the files have security codes that don't allow Padawans access. Did you know my mother?"

Qui-Gon nodded, pulling something from his tunic. Holding out his hand between them, he pressed a button on the holo-projector. A young girl appeared before them, about six-years-old, sandwiched between two boys around her age. Her blonde hair was so pale it might have been thought silver, and it hung in long curls around her shoulders.

"This is your mother when she was an Initiate. That's me to her right, and Master Mace Windu to her left. We grew up together."

"Master Windu knew my mother? I never knew that. Nobody ever talks about her."

"Her death came as a shock to us all. We should have made an effort to talk to you, but you were so young...the Council thought it best to allow you to live your own life. Most Initiates don't know their parents, after all."

Pressing the button again, the holo changed to the image of an older girl, maybe sixteen, laughing and playing in the snow. In the background you could make out the same two young men tossing balls of snow towards her.

"She was a good friend. She had a kind soul, always willing to help others, giving no thought to her own needs. She loved to make people happy. That day I had...well...I had failed a physics exam. I was horribly depressed, so she dragged me outside. It only snows on Coruscant once in a hundred years, if that, and she was intent on making me enjoy it. By the time we were done, I had almost forgotten the exam, I was so caught up in the fun we were having."

Alex laughed and reached out to the holo, then drew back when she remembered it was just light, insubstantial. Qui-Gon swallowed down the grief he felt at seeing the small movement, and pressed the button again, turning off the projector.

"I want you to have this," he said as he placed the item in the girl's hand. "You should know your mother. She was a wonderful woman."

Alex took the projector and brushed her fingers over it lovingly. "Thank you, Master Jinn. I wish I could have known her."

"She would have been very proud of you, Alexandrea. You're a fine young woman, and very strong in the Force. You will be a great Jedi some day."

He watched the girl put the projector in her tunic pocket. "Alex, there is more I have to tell you. It's not as easy as talking to you about your mother, but it must be done. I need you to hear me out, and then I'll answer any questions you might have, alright?"

Seeing the girl's nod of acknowledgment, he continued. "About twenty years ago, I lost an Apprentice to the Darkside. His name was Xanatos. He was preparing for his trials, and we were sent on a mission to his homeworld. He didn't know it then, but it was a trial for him. The Council had their doubts about him, and needed to know that he would stay on the Path of Light. He failed, miserably. I fought him, and in the end could not bring myself to end his life. I had been so blind to his failings, I had loved him as a son, and I never saw the depth of his greed. When I returned to Coruscant, I began to truly see what he had been doing all those years." Qui-Gon took another deep breath, releasing his anger and sadness into the Force. It wouldn't do any good to become angry at things he could not change.

"I loved your mother very much, Alex. She was everything to me. It had been my intention, once Xanatos was knighted, to ask her to form a lifebond with me. What I never knew was that she had become pregnant, just a few days before I left with Xanatos on that final mission. By the time I came back, you had been born, and your mother had left for her mission on Nagonees. I was already emotionally unstable, and her death only made things worse. I was unable to think of anything else. It seemed as if I had lost everything, and I sank into a deep depression. Everyone thought it best not to tell me about you, not knowing how I would react."

"Wait," Alex interrupted. "I know I said I'd hear you out, but I'm so confused. Are you...I mean..."

Qui-Gon took her hands in his, giving the girl a gentle smile. "I know, but it will all become clear. Just a few minutes more?" With Alex's nod, he continued. "I didn't find out about you until you were eight-years-old. I had taken Obi-Wan as my Padawan, and my life had changed. Instead of running from my memories, drowning myself in mission after mission, I accepted them. That was when the Council came to me and told me about you, and that you were Sorcha's daughter. I was overwhelmed, to say the least. Here you were, this little blonde angel, so full of life, and you were Sorcha's. I wanted so badly to tell you everything, how much I loved your mother, and how much like her you were. I would watch you play with the other children, and couldn't help but see your mother. You were so happy all of the time, without a care in the world. Everyone loved you, and I knew that several Jedi had already asked for the right to take you as a Padawan. What I didn't know was why your mother never told me. It didn't seem like her to hide this from me, so I sought out the answers the only way I could. The Council stalled me at every turn, but I finally found what I was looking for. I found your mother's journal entry, made about nine months before your birth. I'd like for you to listen to it. Though I could tell you what it says, I think it best if you hear it from her. Will you do this for me?"

Alex nodded her head, wiping at the tears that had formed in her eyes. Gently she pushed a button, and heard her mother's voice for the first time in her life.

"I never thought this would happen, I never saw it. Tonight he came to me and told me he loved me. He told me he'd been in love with me for as long as he could remember, and promised me that as soon as the knighting took place, he would bond with me. I was overwhelmed. I knew he had feelings for me, but I'd never imagined they were so strong. I explained to him that I was honored, but that I loved another, and could not accept his affections. He didn't understand. I've never seen him angry before, and wasn't prepared for the reaction. A Jedi is taught that hate and possession are wrong, but he embraced them in that instant. Before I knew it he was forcing himself on me, swearing his love to me over and over. He was so much larger and stronger than I was, and his Jedi training served him well. As he entered me my mind went numb, and I shut down. It was as if I was watching the scene from a distance. I watched as he rubbed his body against mine, screaming my name as he filled me with his essence. The whole time, I just lay there, wondering when it would be over, wondering when the sweet boy I had known had turned into this sick monster. When he left, he told me I was his, and that he was sorry it had to be this way. I wept at what he had taken from me, until I realized that he had given me something as well. I could feel the life inside of me, even then. It was so strong, and the Force was screaming out to me, telling me it would be all right. This child inside of me was pure, and good, and I needed to be strong for her."

"How could you do this!"

The recording stopped, and Alex threw the recorder at Qui-Gon's chest as she stood up. Tears flowed down her face ad she glared at the man before her. "You said you loved her. How could you do this? What kind of monster are you?"

"Alex..." Qui-Gon began, but was cut of quickly.

"I don't know how you got away with this, but stay away from me, far away."

She avoided Qui-Gon as he reached for her, and ran up the path, leaving the room before anyone was able to react.

Qui-Gon slowly turned the recorder in his hands, fighting his own tears. He didn't hear Obi-Wan or My-lin approach as he pressed the button and continued the recording.

"I've had a vision, and in it Qui-Gon held her in his arms, comforted her, and she was safe. I knew then what I had to do. Qui-Gon would not know about this, or about her, until the time was right, until he was able to deal with what has happened. Then and only then would he find out that this child inside of me belongs to Xanatos."

Alexandrea's mind raced as quickly as her legs as she made her way to her quarters. How could this have happened? Yesterday she had been a normal, happy Padawan, looking forward to her trials in a few years. She had known all she needed to know of her past, and had given up on looking into it any further. It hadn't mattered. What's past was past. Today, everything had changed. Suddenly it was as if her life was careening out of control. She had been given a gift that should have made her heart leap. She'd heard her mother's voice, clear as if she had been beside her. Oh, how she had longed to know what the woman sounded like, but all the joy that should have been felt at that moment was stolen from her by the realization of how she had come into this world.

Her mother had been raped. It wasn't love that had created her, it was lust and desire, possession and greed. As if that weren't enough, her mother had been betrayed by someone she cared for. That same man who sat in front of Alex and expressed his love for her mother.

How could this happen?

Alex reached her room and flung herself onto her bed, burying her face in the soft pillow beneath her. How could this man be allowed to remain in the Jedi order, when he had thrown away everything the code stood for? Shouldn't he have been cast out? Shouldn't someone have told her that her father was a monster, so that she could protect herself?

Alex pounded her fists against the mattress, wishing it were Qui-Gon Jinn, wishing she could release her anger on him like he had released his desire on her mother. Filled with rage, the girl didn't notice when her Master came home, or that the woman was watching her from the doorway. Her first realization was when she heard the soft knock on her bedroom door. Flinging out a hand, she slammed the door shut, not caring who was on the other side. She didn't want to talk right now, to anyone.

Qui-Gon had allowed himself to be guided through the halls of the temple, not caring at that moment where his footsteps were leading him. Obi-Wan had a hold of his arm, and he knew his Padawan would care for him, as he always had.

When he heard a door slam he looked up to see Knight My-lin standing before a closed door, her hands raising to brush fingertips over the wood.

"Alex? Please open the door. We need to talk."

Getting no response, the Knight turned to face Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. "I'm worried. This isn't like her. She's never closed me out before, not mentally or physically."

Obi-Wan eased his Master onto a nearby couch. "I can feel her anger, it's overwhelming. Perhaps we should send for a mind-healer."

Qui-Gon's head snapped up. "No." His voice held pain and determination. "I caused this. I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have told her like that. She thinks that I...I have to speak with her. I have to explain."

"Master, I don't think she's going to talk to anyone right now. She needs time to calm down."

"No, she needs to hear the truth, and quickly, before these feelings she's having swallow her whole." Knight's My-lin's voice left no argument.

Qui-Gon nodded and rose, accepting Obi-Wan's hand of support. Walking slowly to the door, he knocked gently, then more insistently. Getting no response he used the Force to open the door and stepped in, closing it softly behind him.

The anger and pain coming from the girl on the bed was almost palpable. It filled the room, using the Force as a conduit, one to which Alexandrea was strongly connected. A chill went up the Jedi Master's back, and cold crept through him.

"Alex, we need to talk," he said softly, choking back his own emotions, which threatened to burst through.

"Go away. I have nothing to say to you." The girl's voice was muffled, but the seething anger could be heard clearly.

Qui-Gon took a step towards the bed. "Things are not always as they seem. Please..." His words were cut off as he was flung against the closed door. Alex sat up, her gray eyes meeting his.

"I *said* I had nothing to say to you. But then again, when has what someone wanted ever stopped you?" The words were said to hurt, and they hit their mark. Even though Qui-Gon knew he had not been the one to cause harm to Sorcha, the pain her daughter felt caused his heart to ache. Watching as the girl stood, the Master realized he was still unable to move. Alex had him pinned against the door. "I hate you. I've never hated anything in my life, but you..." The girl's words drifted off as she took another step forward, like an animal stalking its prey. "You make me sick. You call yourself a Jedi? All I've ever wanted to be was a Jedi Knight. If the Order allows someone like you to exist within it, then I don't want any part of it. I don't want to be like you!"

With that Alex flung herself at Qui-Gon, pounding her fists on his chest and sobbing. "I hate you!" She screamed as she collapsed to the floor, finally releasing her Force hold on the Jedi Master.

Qui-Gon let himself slide down to the ground beside her. He wasn't hurt badly, just a few bruises. Taking the recorder out of his pocket, he pressed the button on the side. Instantly, Sorcha's voice filled the small room.

Qui-Gon edged up to sit on his knees, only a few breaths away from Alex. Uncomfortable silence filled the room, and finally the girl looked up to meet his gaze. Her eyes were filled with tears, shock and sadness etched in every feature. Inching closer, Qui-Gon dared to reach a hand out to her. He wasn't surprised when she didn't move.

"Alex, please. Let me help you."

The two sat, staring at each other for several minutes. Their eyes never looked away, as if there were silent words being exchanged in the stare. Finally, the girl's tears began to fall, one by one. This time when Qui-Gon reached out, she fell into his arms. Qui-Gon gently ran a hand over her hair, leaning down to whisper soft, soothing words in her ear. Through the Force, he sent her support, understanding, and love. He gave to her everything he had needed so desperately after finding out about what Xanatos had done, all those years ago. Slowly, he felt the anger and despair fade away and dissipate into the Force around them.

"Alex, I need you to look at me." The words were soft, but not to be taken lightly. When the girl met his gaze once again he continued. "What Xanatos did was wrong, horribly wrong. If anyone understands your anger it's me. He was my Padawan, the person I trusted more than anyone else in the world. He hurt the woman I loved, had loved all my life." Reaching out a large hand, he began wiping away tears from Alex's cheeks. "But I can't let you give in to these feelings. That's how I lost him, and how this all began. Do you understand? If you harbor these feelings, they will eat away at the light within you until you are filled with the darkness."

Alex nodded, sniffling back more tears.

"Good. You have to understand, I loved Xanatos as a son. Once, he was a kind young boy, filled with light. I had such hopes for him. When he turned, it was as if my soul was shattered into a million pieces. I can not allow you to follow him into that fate. In you, I see all he could have been, all he should have been. Your mother's goodness and love, and your father's strength and determination flow through you. They make you what you are, and you should never be afraid to find happiness in that."

Taking a deep breath, Qui-Gon gave the girl a strained smile. "That's what I wanted to tell you, and now I have. Though it took a bit longer, and created a lot more tears than I had expected."

The Master stood, taking Alex's hands and helping her stand beside him. Within seconds, her arms were around his waist, her face buried in his chest.

"I'm so sorry, Master Jinn," her heard her mumble.

Qui-Gon took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, fighting back his own tears at the words. "No, Alex. What's done is done. We both made mistakes. I should have found a better way to tell you, and you should have listened to the entire explanation." Reaching down, he lifted Alex's chin so that he could see her. "Do you realize that your mother was right?" From the confusion on her face, Qui-Gon could tell she'd forgotten the message. Reaching towards the recorder, it flew into his outstretched hand. Pressing two buttons, he played back a section of the recording.

"I've had a vision, and in it Qui-Gon held her in his arms, comforted her, and she was safe."

"You see, my little angel, your mother was very strong in the Unifying Force. She also knew me far better than I knew myself. She knew I'd make a mess of things, and she knew we'd be all right in the end."

Seeing Alex smile eased the pain in the Master's heart. "That's much better. I never want to see you so sad again. Now then, I do believe that your Master is very worried about you, and I've kept Obi-Wan waiting far too long. I think we should go and tell them we're well, don't you?"

Alex nodded. "Yes, Master Jinn."

Together they left the room, Alex holding onto Qui-Gon's hand as if it would slip away if she were to let her grasp loosen. The four Jedi talked for the rest of the night, and into the morning. By the time they were done, both Qui-Gon and Alex had fallen asleep. Qui-Gon sat in a large over-stuffed chair, holding Alex in his lap. The girl had let her head rest on the Master's chest, her free hand tangled in his tunic. They looked peaceful as they slept, and neither Obi-Wan or My-lin had the heart to wake them.

Obi-Wan spent the night on a nearby couch, not wanting to be far from his Master. He wasn't sure why Qui-Gon had wanted him to be witness to all of this, but he was glad to have been there. In his own mind, Obi-Wan decided that Qui-Gon had needed him, needed his strength and support. That the Jedi Master had needed his beloved Apprentice nearby, and that his presence had given the man the strength to tell the tale. After all, it was Obi-Wan that watched over his Master while he slept, not Anakin Skywalker. That boy was far away, sleeping in the Queen's apartments in another part of the city. It was Obi-Wan who had learned of Xantos' betrayal, and of the woman Qui-Gon had loved so long ago. It was Obi-Wan who sensed the love Qui-Gon felt for the young woman who slept peacefully in his arms tonight. It was Obi-Wan, and only Obi-Wan who could feel his Master letting go of the past, finally, to see the future through this girl's eyes. He smiled and closed his eyes, letting the contentment of the room flow through him. Later today he and his Master would leave for Naboo, to continue their mission. Right now though, none of that mattered. Until the sun rose, all that mattered was that he was here, his Master was at peace, and the shadows of the past had been driven back by the light of love and hope yet again.