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Category: Angst

Pairing: A/A, Q/O implied.

Rating: PG

Spoilers: None

Summary: Closely held secrets and divergent views on love open a fatal rift between Anakin and Obi-Wan.

Disclaimer: George Lucas is da man. He owns everything. We just play.

Anakin slipped silently through the deserted corridors of the padawan wing and into his quarters, using the Force to guide himself through the dark. As the door slid closed behind him, he let out a sigh of relief. Out well beyond curfew -- again -- but luckily Master Obi-Wan believed in early-to-bed, early-to-rise.

A ghost of Force power tickled his nose, and before he could try to understand what he'd felt, the lights blazed on.

His lightsaber was in his hand and lit in an instant, humming dangerously. He faced down the intruder who knelt in classic meditation pose on his mat. An intruder who looked all too familiar ...

Master Obi-Wan merely looked at him with one brow raised. Apparently he was in his sardonic mood. Not good.

"Credible reflexes," Obi-Wan remarked. "Though you should have sensed me here."

Anakin shut down his lightsaber and tried not to pout. "You misdirected your presence. I checked."

"I let you see what you wanted to see." Obi-Wan rose gracefully to his feet. "You are too easily fooled. I could have been a Sith Lord, waiting to slay you."

"I'm sorry, Master. I will endeavor to do better."

"And you are four hours late." Obi-Wan folded his arms into his voluminous sleeves and studied Anakin, who tried valiantly not to squirm. "What am I to do with you, Padawan?"

Anakin had no answer for that, so he remained silent.

Obi-Wan took a step closer, ran his thumb down Anakin's neck where a passion mark stood out starkly against his pale skin. His master's touch stung, and he flinched slightly. "You don't even pretend to be discreet," his master said. Obi-Wan's voice sounded ... weary, defeated.

Anakin swallowed. "What would be the point?"

"The point," Obi-Wan said, with a flash of impatience, "is that you are still in training. You know the Code, yet you flout the rules."

"They are stupid rules, Master."

He saw Obi-Wan's jaw clench briefly, a sign of genuine anger he'd seen only a handful of times in their ten years together. "They are rules which have served the Jedi Order well for over a thousand generations. Chosen One or not, you are not exempt from the laws governing Jedi padawans. You will obey them or you will find yourself back on Tatooine."

That threat, uttered so casually, and the reference to him as the "Chosen One" which his master knew very well he resented with an almost murderous hatred, triggered his own anger. "With respect, Master," he bit out, knowing his voice held no respect at all, "You couldn't possibly understand."

Obi-Wan's gaze was a challenge. "No? And why is that, Padawan?"

"You've never been in love."

Obi-Wan's eyes widened a fraction, then narrowed to slits. "Have a care," he said, and Anakin was startled to hear a deadly challenge in his master's voice. "Don't imagine you know everything about me, Padawan."

Before Anakin could gather his wits enough to reply, his master had brushed past him and disappeared out the door.

What could Obi-Wan have meant? Surely he'd know if his master had a lover. Anakin knew that padawans were forbidden to have sexual relationships; his meeting Padme was a direct violation of about a dozen rules. Knights and masters were allowed more leeway. Yet he'd known Obi-Wan since his knighting, and in all that time he'd rarely even seen his master flirt, much less express genuine interest in anyone. The man seemed wholly dedicated to duty, and oblivious to the lure of the opposite sex -- or any sex, for that matter.

He decided to watch his master more closely, and see if he could solve this mystery.

Several weeks passed, during which they'd been sent on various missions, with ample opportunity for Obi-Wan to indulge himself with any number of willing beings. The man certainly had enough offers. Anakin would have been envious if his every thought did not instantly turn to Padme when he contemplated love, or his master's lack thereof.

As he'd reached his own adolescence, he'd actually begun to feel sorry for his master. Obi-Wan seemed so alone, so driven by duty and nothing else. He rarely seemed to enjoy anything he did. The thought of his controlled, serene Master Obi-Wan losing control with a lover, crying out in passion ... Anakin could not picture it without wincing.

They'd not spoken again of that night when Anakin had broken curfew, and Anakin had been more careful not to get caught after that. He supposed he might have hurt his master's feelings. At any rate, it had caused Obi-Wan to overlook his punishment, and that could only be a good thing, right?

He had almost forgotten their conversation that night when he was reminded of it by something he overheard. They were at an outdoor festival on Corellia, sent as liaisons to the decidedly independent Corellian Jedi Order as those worthy brothers and sisters celebrated the anniversary of their order's founding. It was an easy assignment, one they'd earned with their own sweat and blood, and, in Obi-Wan's case, a broken collarbone. The master had since healed, but he'd not protested when told he'd be going to Corellia for three days of celebrations. No negotiations, no fighting, no mediation ... nothing but sleep and sun and food and recreation -- games of every sort, including some of a decidedly adult nature. Anakin was forbidden to indulge in the latter, of course, but Obi-Wan didn't lack for invitations -- some subtle, some blatant.

It was the latter that Anakin thought to overhear as dusk approached on the third and last day of their stay. A short, wiry human Jedi, male and of middle age, had taken Obi-Wan by the arm and steered him to a railing that overlooked a reflecting pool. They hugged; Obi-Wan buried his face in the man's tunics for a long time. When they parted Obi-Wan let the man's arm stay about his shoulders in a friendly embrace. Anakin drifted closer, extending his senses to hear what was said.

"It saddens me to see you hold yourself aloof from life's pleasures," the older man was saying. "He would not have wished you to be alone."

"Then he should not have left me."

The older man drew back to stare into Obi-Wan's face. "You know he would never ..."

Obi-Wan interrupted the man, sounding utterly weary. "Master Nejaa, I know you mean well, but ... truly, my life now is nothing more than marking time, keeping my promise and doing my duty as best I can, until I can be with him again."

_That must be Nejaa Halcyon,_ Anakin thought. _The famous Corellian Jedi. A good friend of Master Qui-Gon's, long ago._ Another thought dawned on him, this one so startling he almost gasped aloud. _Could it be?_

He stretched back, sifting through memories a decade old, when his nascent Force-sense had whispered things to him a nine-year-old boy would not have understood. A smile here, a touch there, a stirring in the Force ...

He grinned. _The hypocrite! As if he has any right to lecture me about the Code ..._

He vowed to say nothing, to respect his master's privacy and not to ask, though he was burning to know. His discovery seemed to free him of any guilt he might have felt about his nocturnal wanderings.

Not long afterward, on another night, he returned to the Temple so far past curfew he was in danger of meeting the dawn as he crept through the dimmed halls and slipped into his quarters. He was more practiced now, and more aware, and his master's misdirection did not fool him this time. He brought up the lights and stood, looking down at the man kneeling in meditation. He waited for a rebuke.

Obi-Wan said nothing, did not even open his eyes. At length Anakin knelt next to him and saw the tracks of tears that had long since dried on his master's pale cheeks.

"Master," he said softly, fear gripping him.

Obi-Wan opened his eyes slowly, turned his head. His eyes glittered dully. He said nothing, but stood with his customary fluid grace, turned, and reached for the door control.  

Anakin caught at his sleeve. Had he finally managed to alienate the one true ally he had here in the Temple? This man who had been so kind to him, so patient, such a good friend ... Anakin suddenly could not bear the thought of hurting him.

"Wait!" he blurted.

Obi-Wan stopped, his hand pressed to the door control. After a moment the door hissed shut again of its own accord. Obi-Wan turned and looked at Anakin, his face the serene Jedi mask Anakin so despised.

"I'm sorry ..." Anakin began.

"That is a lie."

Anakin flinched at the rawness in his master's voice.

Obi-Wan sighed and folded his arms. "Believe it or not, I was once young. I do understand what you're going through. But I cannot allow this to continue. One way or another, it ends now." He shook his head sadly, seeming to speak to himself. "Force knows I've tried. I don't know what more I can do."

Anakin swallowed, his anger flaring. "Why was it acceptable for you and not for me?"

Obi-Wan blinked. "What?"

"I know you and Master Qui-Gon were lovers."

Obi-Wan blinked again. "We --"

"And he died before you were made a Knight. So don't get all sanctimonious with me about the Code, when you were breaking every rule ever written about relations between --"

Anakin found himself up against the wall, his master's bulk holding him there despite his greater height, his master's face inches from his own, looking deadlier than Anakin had ever seen it. "You may insult me all you wish, Padawan, but you _will not_ impugn his honor."

Obi-Wan let him go, and Anakin slid down to sit on the floor. He thought for a moment. "I'm sorry if I insulted you, Master," he said tentatively. "I just ... I don't understand. If you and he ..."

"We were _not_ lovers, Anakin."

Anakin tilted his head. "You _were_ in love. I felt it, though I didn't understand it at the time."

Obi-Wan rubbed a hand over his face and tugged at his beard. "Yes," he admitted softly. "We were in love. I did not lie when I said I understand what you are going through."

The light finally dawned for Anakin. "But ... you ... you never ... "

Obi-Wan sighed. He crossed the room to the table, spun a chair around, straddled it backwards, and propped his chin on his crossed arms. "If you must know ... we never so much as kissed."

"How could you bear it?" Anakin whispered.

"The same way a Jedi bears any hardship, with the help of the Force, and the guidance of the Code."

Anakin felt his face grow red. "And you expect me to do the same?"

"If you want to be a Jedi, yes."

Anakin rose to his feet, consciously loosening his clenched fists. It would do his case no good if he let himself get angry. "Life is too short, too uncertain. Unlike you, I'm not willing to waste my life on regrets."

Obi-Wan lifted a brow. "I regret nothing."

Anakin probed his master, seeking the lie. There was none. His master truly meant it. Incomprehension washed through him. 

"I will not give her up."

Obi-Wan's mouth firmed into a determined line. "And I will not let you throw away everything we have accomplished just to satisfy your lust."

Anakin crossed the room to loom over his master. "Now who is being insulting? Just because you and Qui-Gon had ice in your veins doesn't mean I --"

Obi-Wan laughed bitterly and cut him off with a wave. "You don't have the slightest idea what you're talking about. Don't presume you know anything about me or my capacity for --"

"Oh, my apologies, _Master!_" Anakin spat out, growing angry despite his earlier resolve. "You have so many walls about you, how could I? How could I know anything about you? As far as I can tell, there's not a pair of balls in the whole Jedi order put together. That Code you're so fond of says there _is_ no passion. You're all so repressed you wouldn't know love if it bit you --"

Obi-Wan stood suddenly, sending the chair toppling. He pointed a finger at Anakin. "I have known greater love than a callow boy like you can possibly imagine!"

"Yeah, you loved him so much you never even kissed him! Some love that must have been!"

Anakin quailed, suddenly realizing he'd gone too far. Obi-Wan stood looking at him, trembling slightly, his face more anguished than Anakin had ever seen it. "Yes," he said at last. "I loved him that much." He put his hand to the bridge of his nose for a moment, and when he spoke again his voice was husky. "Every day, every hour we were together, I wanted him, desperately, with every breath, every beat of my heart. And he wanted me. We never spoke of it, but we knew. We knew," he looked up, "and we honored each other by honoring the Code. Only once was I tempted ... when he lay dying in my arms, I wanted to tell him then, wanted to say it out loud ... but there was no need. He knew." Obi-Wan lifted a hand to his cheek and closed his eyes. "He touched me, here. I felt eternity stretch before me, and I knew that one day I would join him in the Force. All the fleshly pleasures in the galaxy could not compare to such a union." He looked up again, straight into Anakin's soul. "Until you can understand _that_, you will never truly understand love."

Anakin set his jaw. "I honor your devotion, Master. But I cannot be like you. I want more than some mystical union of spirits after I die."

"I am not asking you to be like me." Obi-Wan smiled sadly, and Anakin saw a world of suffering in his eyes. "I would not wish my situation on anyone. All I am asking is that you put this dalliance aside until after you are knighted."

"She is more to me than a dalliance. She is ... everything!"

"Everything? Have you forgotten your dream?"

"I have a lot of dreams, Master." He looked away, all urge to fight leaving him. "You know that."

Obi-Wan sighed. "Once, when I had despaired of waiting so long for what I wanted, Yoda told me that true love would stand the test of time."

Anakin snorted. "Life is uncertain. We are in constant danger. I am years from my knighting, even if the Council decides to let me take the Trials. You know they don't trust me --"

"They will trust you even less if they know you are willfully disobeying the Code and breaking your vows with no remorse."

"Are you going to tell them?"

Obi-Wan was silent for a moment. "You put me in an untenable position, Anakin."

"And you will always choose the Code above the ones you love," Anakin challenged.

Obi-Wan turned away and stared out the window. "I can't keep looking the other way, Padawan. If I catch you out after curfew again, I will have to report it to the disciplinary committee."

"In other words, don't get caught?" Anakin said, trying for a jocular tone.

Obi-Wan's voice remained grim. "You must decide for yourself what is right."

"Yes, Master," Anakin said soberly. "I ... I will meditate on what you have said." He bowed and knelt on the mat. It was a kind of dismissal, but Obi-Wan did not seem to take offense.

"May the Force bring you wisdom," Obi-Wan said softly.

It was only after the door was shut firmly behind his master that Anakin took out the wedding band he always carried with him in a concealed pocket of his robe since a certain secret ceremony his master had known nothing about. "Oh, yes, Master," he whispered. "I have many dreams. And I intend to fulfill them all."

END