Master Apprentice Archive Schtupping With The Jedi Quick search:

Category: Humour/parody

Rating: PG for inventive potty language (Q/O)

Disclaimer: George Lucas and Lucasfilm Ltd. own all the characters. I'll give them back, honest!

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Summary: Master and apprentice share some naughty words.

Notes: This is my dubious entry for Master Ruth's challenge: write a fic using five slang terms from Roger's Profanisaurus. *snort* Five in one fic?? I can do five in one sentence!

Many thanks to Ladonna King for writing her story "TPM Snippet 4: Padawaned".

As Obi-Wan Kenobi entered their quarters Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn immediately noticed that something was off. Not his padawan's clothes, unfortunately, but still - something was off.

It must be the fact that he's trying very hard to be angry, amused and frustrated all at the same time, he thought.

"What a bunch of twat-headed, squib-brained pud-whappers!"

Qui-Gon's eyebrows rose to new heights. "I beg your pardon, Obi-Wan?"

The younger man started at the voice from across the room, and then relaxed when he saw that his Master wasn't actually offended.

"I'm sorry, Master. It's just that those younger padawans I'm mentoring while their Masters are away are eroding my patience!"

Qui-Gon put down his keypad and sat back to listen.

"I mean, look at this!" he cried out, brandishing something long and purple.

Qui-Gon's eyebrows threatened to crawl down his back. "Is that what I think it is?"

Obi-Wan curled his lip in annoyance. "If you think it's a 'double order of salami', a 'two-headed snake' or 'the purple helmet twins' then you would be correct."

"Padawan! Such language!"

His apprentice calmed down. "I am sorry Master if I -"

Qui-Gon put up his hands, grinning. "I was only teasing, padawan. Pray, tell me how you came across this... 'multiple mulligan'?"

Obi-Wan blinked in amazement. Then cleared his throat. "Well. I entered Master Seesaan's quarters as I had been instructed, only to find that young Vlib had forgotten the time and was 'entertaining' in his room with the other two padawans I was supposed to tutor." Obi- Wan sighed as he flopped down in the other chair, object still in hand. "Imagine my surprise."

"And theirs."

Obi-Wan barked out a laugh. "Oh, Force, yes! Never did I see three more embarrassed beings. The colours of their faces were amazing!"

"One is a Pri'chrr, correct?"

"Yes. Padawan Folw'll. He was a lovely shade of puce."

"That's not too bad. If he had been magenta I would have worried about an incipient brain hemorrhage."

The young man twirled the toy absently in his fingers. "After witnessing the three of them doing the Coruscant Conga you'd think I would be the one with the brain hemorrhage."

Something in the way Obi-Wan said that last sentence made Qui-Gon pause. "So why exactly did you bring this implement of pleasure home?" he said, only slightly roughening his voice for effect.

Obi-Wan managed to remain unflustered, but only just. "I confiscated it. To remind them that Jedi must not be distracted or ruled by their passions. And...ah...I wished to study it, Master," he said, somewhat sheepishly.

Qui-Gon took the object from him and examined it. "An interesting piece of work. Beautiful violet colour. Corellian made, if I am not mistaken." He looked at his apprentice's face. "You are shocked to discover my knowledge in such an area?" Qui-Gon smirked.

"Your pardon, Master, it's just that...well...thinking about one's Master's sex life is ..."

"'Grody'? 'Spew material'? 'Flative'?" Qui-Gon laughed. "Believe me, Obi-Wan, I did my best NOT to think about what Yoda did during his trysts."

Obi-Wan groaned. "Master, I really did not need that picture in my head. And besides, you in no way compare to Master Yoda."

"True. I'm much taller and not as green."

"No, I mean it, Master! Master Yoda is far less desirable than you are!" he vehemently stated. Realising what he had just said, and how he had said it, Obi-Wan clammed up.

Qui-Gon sat in dazed excitement. Could Obi-Wan have meant what he thought he meant? There was only one way to find out.

Slowly Qui-Gon walked over to his uneasy apprentice, projecting calm and affection. Close enough to whisper he asked, "Padawan?"

One shared look was enough to charge the tension in the room with crackling energy. "Please."

With care and not a little nervous glee Qui-Gon bent down to kiss his apprentice, ending up in his lap. After several minutes (and much groping and moaning and snickering) they separated.

"Come, Obi-Wan - "

"Give me a minute," came the flippant reply.

Qui-Gon grinned evilly. "Let us retire to my shag slab where we shall parallel park and play hide the lightsabre in my tea towel holder, oh my back door conquistador. And after that, we will bury two fake bishops and try to paint the ceiling."

Obi-Wan choked on his laughter as he smacked his Master with the double-ended toy, then pulled him to his chest again. "I would love to, my Qui-Gon." After a brief yet intense kiss they got up out of the chair and made their way to the Master's sleeping quarters.

"Oh, and Qui-Gon?"

"Hmmm?"

"If you so much as use any phrase in the vein of 'dock the pink spaceship' or 'dance the horizontal mambo' I will serenely kick your bahookie all the way to Bandomeer."

[END]