Regret

by Krystine (Krystine3@worldnet.att.net)

Archive: MA, anyone else please let me know

Category: Angst

Rating: PG

Pairing: Q/O

Spoilers: None

Feedback: All comments are greatly appreciated

Disclaimer: The characters used in this story belong to Mr. Lucas, no offense (or profit)is intended.

Notes: Many thanks to Crystal for her help and suggestions.

Summary: Qui-Gon realizes what he has lost by acting only for the here and now.

I awaken with his name on my lips, my body longing for his touch. It is still early, only perhaps the second or third hour, but I know I will sleep no more tonight.

A knock on my door interrupts the quiet of the night. "Master?" the sleepy voice of my apprentice calls.

"I am well, Anakin. Go back to sleep."

"Yes, Master." I feel him reluctantly return to his bed, his worry over me unconvinced by my words. Sending a Force suggestion along our training bond, it takes only a few moments before Anakin is asleep, once again.

Sighing, I roll over and stare at the empty space in my bed, a space that could have and would have been filled, had I not been so foolish. Obi-Wan. My words of three years prior suddenly come rushing back, filling me with regret. Had I looked beyond the moment then, he would be here with me now.

Absently caressing the pillow next to me, I wonder who is sharing Obi-Wan's bed. Who is holding him in their arms? Do they love him? Does he love them? These thoughts haunt me, but it is nothing less than I deserve. I hurt him deeply when I refused the gift of his heart. For that moment of blindness, I will quietly suffer for the rest of my days.

As part of my self-induced punishment, I think back to that accursed time, remembering each event as clearly as if it had happened only moments before.

My injuries suffered in the battle with the Sith were severe, requiring nearly a full standard month before I was able to regain some sense of mobility. Obi-Wan had insisted his knighting ceremony be postponed until I recovered sufficiently to be able to participate. It had warmed my heart to know that my student was willing to delay his ascension to the title of Jedi Knight until I could be the one to pronounce him as such.

On day of his ceremony, Obi-Wan was strangely quiet. At the time, I thought perhaps he was still in a bit of shock after learning he was to be knighted, his battle with the Sith considered his trial. The ceremony was small but beautiful, with only members of the High Council and Anakin as witnesses. I had insisted on Anakin's presence. I thought it would be a valuable experience for the boy, showing him what could be achieved with dedication and hard work.

It was with great pride that I spoke the traditional words and severed Obi-Wan's padawan braid, fulfilling the promise I had made to him when he first became my apprentice. The knowledge that I almost did not live to see this day was not lost to me. Refusing, however, to dwell on what could have been, I firmly pushed the thought from my mind, as always, keeping my focus on the here and now.

After finishing my proclamation, I extended my hand and invited Obi-Wan to stand from where he knelt before me, the motion a symbolic representation of rising from apprenticeship into knighthood. As he stood, he recited the vows of his new rank. Each word was carefully spoken with the absolute dedication Obi-Wan had always shown the Jedi Order.

Each of the Council members had then come forward and placed their hands upon his forehead as they called upon the Force to continue to protect the new knight and guide him in his duties. After the last blessing had been given, the Council members quietly exited the chamber, leaving me alone with my former padawan and my soon-to-be padawan.

Obi-Wan turned to me, a small smile playing across his face as he stared at the braid I was still holding in my hands.

"You have done very well, my Obi-Wan," I said, pulling him into my arms. "I am proud of you."

"Thank you, Master," he whispered as he returned the embrace, his head resting against my chest.

"Obi-Wan, you are a knight now. You no longer need to address me as Master," I noted in amusement.

His embrace tightened as his response was whispered into the worn fabric of my tunic. "You will always be my master. My master and...."

I could not hear his last words as he pulled back suddenly, his cheeks flushed with what I assumed to be embarrassment at the overly emotional display. "It is all right, Obi-Wan," I said to reassure him. "I will always think of you as my padawan."

As I turned to motion Anakin over from where he stood against the far wall of the chamber, I saw the frown form on my former padawan's face. I did not understand its cause, nor did I pursue it.

Anakin moved to stand in front of us, his blue eyes wide in admiration as he regarded Obi-Wan. "Knight Kenobi," he started, wanting to say correct thing but uncertain as to what it was. "Congratulations, sir, on your knighthood. Master Qui-Gon says you're gonna be a great knight."

"Thank you, Anakin."

Silence fell over the small room as Anakin, not knowing what else to say, began playing with the hem of his initiate tunic. Unconsciously imitating the younger boy, Obi-Wan fingered the hem of his own tunic, unable or unwilling to continue the conversation.

"Why don't we return to our quarters?" I finally suggested to break the awkwardness. "We have some time before late meal, perhaps we should rest."

I saw Obi-Wan's and Anakin's eyes flash to me in concern, and I immediately realized how my words must have sounded. I was not fatigued, but I knew trying to convince them of that would be futile. Instead, I allowed Anakin to take my hand and lead me from the chamber.

No longer required to keep the mandatory distance of two steps behind and to the left, Obi-Wan walked next to me as we made our way back to our rooms. Several knights and masters stopped to congratulate him as we crossed the marbled floor of the Great Hall. Modest as always, Obi-Wan politely thanked them and continued on with Anakin and myself.

As we passed the initiates' wing, Obi-Wan suggested that perhaps Anakin would like to return to his room and continue working on his droid. Anakin's face immediately brightened, but I could sense his hesitation at abandoning what he felt was his duty to me. I knew that once Anakin became my padawan, he would have very little time to tinker with his mechanical projects. Why not let the boy enjoy the time while he could? Extracting a solemn promise from Obi-Wan that he would make sure I rested, Anakin waved and skipped down the corridor to his room, his thoughts filled with spare parts and circuit routes

Obi-Wan and I laughed at the boy's enthusiasm as we continued walking. The next few years were certainly going to be demanding, as Obi-Wan pointed out with his rather cheeky humor. I was inclined to agree. Taking a new padawan as excitable as Anakin would be a great challenge indeed.

Reaching our quarters, I palmed open the door and moved inside, relieved to be home. To my dismay, the excitement of the day coupled with the long walk back to our rooms had drained me, although I would have fiercely denied it if anyone asked.

Perhaps sensing my fatigue, Obi-Wan led me to my favorite reclining chair. "Relax, Master. I'll prepare tea."

"Obi-Wan, you don't have to do that," I protested. I didn't need to be looked after like an infant in the crèche. "You are no longer required to serve me."

"I want to, Master," he responded quickly with one of his shy smiles, then turned and entered the kitchen before I could make any further protest.

He returned a few minutes later carrying a steaming mug and a plate with slices of sweet fruit, wafers, and cheese. I accepted both with a smile of gratitude and settled back to enjoy the light meal.

As I ate, I watched as Obi-Wan again began to play with the hem of his tunic. His restlessness was perplexing, especially considering he had just achieved the dream he spent his entire youth working for. "Obi-Wan," I called after taking of sip of the spicy tea. "Is something troubling you?"

Looking up from the thread he has managed to work loose, his denial came too quickly. "No, Master."

"Would you like to talk about it, Padawan?" I cringed as I realized the slip. He didn't seem to notice and just shook his head at the offer.

"Would you rather meditate?" I tried again.

He was silent for long moments as if deliberating the possible outcomes of whatever was troubling him. I was about to suggest that meditation would help clear his mind when he spoke.

"Do you remember when you explained to me about the different types of bonds in the Force?"

"Yes," I replied as I thought back to the long-ago discussion.

"You told me that sometimes two beings choose to create a life bond in the Force."

"That's right," I responded, not understanding what prompted this conversation.

Obi-Wan moved to kneel next to me, his blue-green eyes searching mine. Drawing a deep breath, he continued. "Master... Qui-Gon, I ... I love you. I have for a long time now. Please, would you consent to bond with me and become my life-mate?"

I stared at him for a moment, hearing his words but not hearing them. "Obi-Wan," I sighed, "I cannot form a bond with you. I must train Anakin. A life bond would interfere with the training bond. It would not be fair to him, or to you," I explain patiently.

He continued to look at me for a moment after that, but his face had changed in a way I couldn't quite pinpoint at the time. Now I realize it was his eyes. The hope that had been shining in them was gone, replaced with defeat. When he finally spoke, his voice was no more than a whisper. "Anakin, of course. It wouldn't be fair to him."

"Obi-Wan, please try to understand. This is best for everyone."

"Of course," he murmured as he stood, head down and eyes closed before turning and walking towards the door. He stopped in the open doorway, his body trembling as if submerged in icy water. His voice was no more than a whisper, but his words found me, forever etched into my memory.

"I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me. Good-bye, my Master."

He left then, walking out of my life, as if our time together was meant to be nothing more than the mark of another successful ascension in the history of the Jedi Order. It wasn't until later that day when I had entered his room and found it empty, that I realized he was truly gone. He must have expected my rejection and had his belongings removed during the Knighting ceremony. Our training bond, when I reached for it, had been completely severed. He was gone.

Force, how could I have been so stupid? My master had often warned me of the perils of ignoring the future to stay in the moment. "Remember, you must, the present determines the future. Acting for one without thought of the other, sorrow, will bring." I had heard the lecture many times over my apprenticeship. Curse my stubbornness for not taking the lesson to heart.

"Stubborn, you are, my Padawan," Master Yoda had often admonished. "Someday, hurt you, it will." My master's prediction was correct. I am hurting, and I suspect he knows this. He takes great care to remind me of the successful knight Obi-Wan has become, although whether he does it to console or torture me, I cannot determine.

I suppose it doesn't really matter. I will continue to serve the Force. Anakin's training is vital; he is the Chosen One. He will become a knight. I've sworn my life to it.

Somehow, the title seems hollow now, the Chosen One. Maybe it's because it has been shared. I was once a Chosen One. Obi-Wan's Chosen. I was just too blind to realize it.

Finis