SUMMARY: Obi-Wan has an important question to ask his master...
and learns about an unusual Jedi method of decision-making.
TIME: pre-TPM; Obi-Wan is 23.
RATING: Er, this is pre-slash, so... PG-13? R?
NOTE: No sequel forthcoming on this. Another idea I needed to
clear out of my head so I can move on to the stuff I want to
work on!
ARCHIVE: on M-A archive, please, and add my e-mail addy:
peacewind@home.com
FEEDBACK: Positive feedback encouraged and welcomed
Qui-Gon waited two months before he knew he could wait no
longer to have a needed talk with his padawan. Obi-Wan had been
uncharacteristically withdrawn of late, and this his master
could not allow to continue.
"Sit, Padawan," he said quietly one evening when Obi-Wan had
finished cleaning up after their nightmeal. "I would talk with
you."
"Yes, Master," the young man breathed, sitting back down at
their common room table obediently. He looked up at his master,
his demeanor calm though subdued.
Qui-Gon sat in the next chair over, turning to face him. For a
moment he searched his apprentice's face and examined their
link. Though Obi-Wan was waiting expectantly, not in the least
nervous, there was a shadow of unease about him. That was the
reason for the talk. "Obi-Wan," the Jedi Master said at last,
"is there something you've been meaning to ask me?"
The other's eyes widened minutely, but he answered promptly.
"Yes, Master, there is." Obi-Wan shifted position in his chair,
his eyes meeting his teacher's. The minute flaring of nostrils
belied his outward calm, however. "I've been wondering,
Master... does it ever happen that a Padawan, after he is
Knighted, should ask to remain with his Master? I mean, to
continue to work with him, not of course that he needs more
training..."
[Interesting... but this isn't all he's worried about,] Qui-Gon
considered carefully before responding. Obi-Wan Kenobi was
twenty-three years old, but would not be Knighted likely for
another two or three years. He was already functioning more as
Qui-Gon Jinn's partner in their joint diplomatic work, and less
as his assistant.
Because of the intensity of their work and Obi-Wan's training
needs, the relationship between Master and Padawan, as was
typical, was both professional and warm. Obi-Wan could be
confident that Master Jinn was committed to his training and
indeed cared for him. But, perhaps because of how close they
had to be, Qui-Gon had always encouraged his apprentice to
enjoy the company of his friends away from his master... and
Qui-Gon himself also maintained a private, personal life apart
from Obi-Wan when he could. Even so, he guessed that Obi-Wan
did not feel a need to have a "break" from his Master, and
Qui-Gon had to admit to himself that the presence of his
padawan brought him joy, the young man's vibrant energy and
deep commitment so refreshing to the seasoned Jedi.
"I suppose," Qui-Gon answered honestly with a hint of a smile,
"that when the Master and Padawan pairing has been particularly
successful, that they could choose to continue to work
together. No use messing with success, especially if the
Council and the Chancellor consider how effective the pair has
been as a team. I think that would be a good thing."
Obi-Wan was openly studying his master's expression. Did the
Jedi Master think that applied to them? Could he think that?
Qui-Gon cleared his throat, then added, still faintly smiling,
"Of course, there are other reasons a Master and a Knight might
choose to remain together."
The padawan's lips parted in surprise and a soft, quick inhale
of breath could be heard. "Master... other reasons?"
Obi-Wan Kenobi... was deeply in love with his master. Had loved
him with a full heart for years, passing through hero worship
to adolescent lust to a mature caring that was carefully
integrated - on his own - into his Jedi lifestyle and beliefs,
trusting in the Force for the future he hoped for with Qui-Gon
Jinn. Serenity had eased the young man into this trust, this
patience, won after long meditation.
The Master, of course, could read the subtleties in their
mental bond far better than his student. He was aware of most
of this, but had chosen to lead by example, easing his own
hopes into the serene calm of the Jedi. But he, too, had come
to find an answering spirit in the young Jedi, learning to love
him deeply as well.
"Yes, Padawan," Qui-Gon replied quietly. "It may be that a
Knight and a Master choose to remain together because they wish
to make their relationship a deeply personal one, either with
the intent of procreating if they are of opposite genders, or,
in any case, with the intent on forming an emotional or
spiritual union."
He thought his apprentice was going to stop breathing. Obi-Wan
stared intently, his lips now pressed together. There was a
long pause in which they simply looked at one another, the
younger with fierce interest, and the elder still with that
patient, kind smile.
"But not until the Padawan is Knighted?" Obi-Wan asked
abruptly, never breaking his gaze.
"Generally not," Qui-Gon considered, nodding. The smile faded
into something more thoughtful. "A Jedi Padawan is in training
to be a Knight, and his Master has the responsibility of
attending very carefully to that training... and of course he
has authority over the Padawan. That, my Padawan, is a problem
should something more... personal begin to develop between
them, even though the Padawan is an adult."
"The authority," Obi-Wan repeated, and again there came to the
Master the sensation that his apprentice was about to stop
breathing.
"Yes, of course," Qui-Gon replied, nodding again. "Such a
deeply personal relationship would either undermine that
authority or at least seriously erode it... unless, knowing
this potential, both Padawan and Master were to work in concert
to minimize that possibility. Perhaps meditation and joint
counseling with other Jedi would assist that process."
"It's not forbidden, then?" There, the slight flaring of
nostrils again.
[Indeed,] Qui-Gon thought, taking a deep breath as he steadied
himself within his own well of serenity. [that is it, then, why
the unusual quiet... oh, that his dreams match my own...] "No,
of course not as long as the padawan is an adult. Although it
is very unusual, Obi-Wan. I won't lie to you that it can be a
difficult transition on both sides. Which is why a Master
encourages his apprentice to forge relationships within his own
peer group."
The flinch was miniscule, but visible. "I see," Obi-Wan
responded, barely above a whisper. "I'm sure the maturity of
the padawan is considered."
"Always," Qui-Gon replied, then sat back in the chair,
affecting a relaxed posture. He was gratified to see his
padawan relax minutely in unconscious response. "And the
padawan's personal commitment to his training. There are other
factors to consider as well. The master involved must be able
to direct his student for the good of his progress as a Jedi,
even when that might conflict with their personal relationship.
But, then, this is the case when any two Jedi become involved
with one another who work together. There are times - we both
know all too well - when you have to let the other go into
danger that you would give anything to protect them from. As
your Master, I have to trust in the Force and in your skills,
Obi-Wan. But personal involvement makes that all the more
difficult."
"Being Jedi is already a hard life," Obi-Wan said calmly.
"Would you give up a chance for even a little happiness just
because it's 'difficult'?"
Qui-Gon looked deep into his student's eyes then, taken aback
at the clear, adult perception. For a swift moment,
something went between them like a bolt of lightning.
Then, abruptly, the Jedi Master lowered his gaze. "I see your
point." He looked up again, composure returned. "I agree with
you, Obi-Wan. Some things are worth the risk. And I would add
to that that to delay for a better day is often folly, for we
cannot see every danger in our future."
Obi-Wan, he could see, was still a bit shaken. "Yes, I would
agree with that as well," he said quietly.
A pause hung in the air, then as both Jedi considered the
discussion just past. Then Qui-Gon rose from the table. "I hope
that answers your question, Padawan. Good night."
The Jedi Master turned to go to his room, but a hand had
suddenly clasped his, holding him back. He froze for only a
second, then squeezed Obi-Wan's hand tightly.
"To delay is often folly," Obi-Wan murmured. His eyes were
closed, his heart pounding. And he knew that Qui-Gon read him
all too well. He could only hope he'd been able to read his
master equally well.
The hand was released with the slowness of reluctance. "Good
night, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon whispered and went into his room.
Obi-Wan lay on his back, his hands folded over his ribs. He was
awake, staring at nothing, aware only of the subtle changes in
his mental bond with his master. What had occupied his thoughts
so intently for several months had now been spoken. And while
his Master allayed his concerns with his usual aplomb, speaking
matter-of-fact about a situation Obi-Wan dared not yet apply to
themselves, there was nevertheless something in their bond,
just as he thought he saw something in Qui-Gon's eyes...
[I will wait,] Obi-Wan told himself yet again, falling into the
habit of discipline to calm his heart and restore his Jedi
serenity. [And hope that Qui-Gon Jinn believes what he says.]
Danger had found them many times, and each had saved the
other's life more than once. Each time... such as five months
ago when Qui-Gon had used the Jedi healing trance to draw his
apprentice back from death after a terrible fall had resulted
in broken ribs and a deep gash in his neck from which he could
have bled to death... each time one of them neared to becoming
one with the Force, something happened to their bond. Deepening
it.
He saw it, now... the tendrils of Force that connected their
minds. Obi-Wan did not reach out to touch the other. The needed
words had been spoken, the seed planted... the offer all but
made. The Jedi padawan took up a position of waiting readiness
just on the precipice of that bond. When the Master would
attend to their bond, he would find the other there so...
attentive, prepared, waiting. Ready.
Two hours before dawn, Qui-Gon arose from his bed. Immediately
his thoughts went to his young companion, suddenly aware that
Obi-Wan was waiting for him to wake. Not that he'd slept all
that well, for the night had presented him a review of his
life, reminding him of a particularly painful time when he was
so alone as a Jedi, still reeling from a terrible misjudgment
of another padawan. Yet the Force was strong within him in this
moment, assuring him that this padawan was so different... and
Qui-Gon was different. [This is good, this is right this time,]
he mused, sighing, then he smiled.
He closed his eyes, and touched their link. [Good morning,
Obi-Wan,] he thought to his apprentice, sending a wave of warm
regard.
The delight in receiving the warmth was returned. [Good
morning, Qui-Gon. Did you sleep well?]
Qui-Gon sat back down on his bed, crossing his long legs before
him. [If you call reviewing my past mistakes and poor decisions
sleeping... I was glad to leave that sort of contemplation
behind. I think I'd rather look ahead now.]
[I spent most of the night in meditation,] Obi-Wan confessed,
then asked quietly, [Past mistakes?]
The Master took a deep, cleansing breath. [I've taken much too
long in allowing you close to me, haven't I, Obi-Wan? Please
forgive an old man's recalcitrance.]
Hearing the regret in his master's voice, Obi-Wan was out of
his bed abruptly, and at his door in two steps before he
halted. He laid a hand, then his forehead on the door. It
hadn't exactly - yet - been the invitation he'd been hoping
for. [Oh, Qui-Gon, I cannot forgive you for the natural caution
that a wise Jedi Master must have, devoted as he is to his
padawan's care and training. And let me remind you yet again
that the Force does not respect age. When I look at you with
the eyes of the Force I see energy and wisdom and patience and
strength... and more. These have nothing to do with age.]
Qui-Gon's eyes misted over for a moment. [Indeed, for I see the
same in you, Obi-Wan.]
The young man clenched his hand into a fist, his eyes closing.
[I am close to you, Qui-Gon. And I would be closer...]
[Yes. I wish it as well. So... it seems we have need to
continue our discussion.] The Master rose smoothly and began
dressing for the day.
[So it seems...] Obi-Wan breathed a sigh of relief. While his
solemn master still sounded so formal, as was his habit, there
was a caring now to his thought that the padawan accepted
greedily. Indeed, Qui-Gon Jinn had kept him at arm's length, so
carefully maintaining their professional relationship.
[I would like to meet you in the Friesdelfia Glade,] Qui-Gon
added. He finished tying off his outer tunic and reached for
his tabard. [A pleasant setting for a... discussion, one of my
favorites.]
[I thought I knew all your favorites,] Obi-Wan returned with
chagrin as he turned from the door to get dressed. He'd hoped
for a moment that Qui-Gon would invite him into... but then he
dashed that thought, understanding his master's concern for
caution. As they'd both agreed last night, getting "close" was
going to have to depend on how such closeness would affect
Obi-Wan's training. Hence the need for more "discussion",
though the young Jedi hoped for more than just talk.
Fortunately, the glade was fairly private.
Qui-Gon attached his belt and sat to pull on his boots. [A new
one... and perhaps it can become one of our
favorites...]
The suggested intimacy in that thought made Obi-Wan shiver. He
faltered in his dressing, his fingered stilled on the ties of
his inner tunic. [Qui-Gon...]
There was no response. And a minute later when he had finished
dressing, Obi-Wan realized that his master was already gone.
The Friesdelfia Glade was named for a rock formation that had
been created there from materials brought in from a distant
planet. The minerals weren't of any particular value except for
one of their attributes - the pink, silver-shot friesdelfia was
Force-enhancing. And it was a peculiar note also that only Jedi
were able to experience this effect. It was the reason many
Jedi worked in a small nugget of friesdelfia into the bases of
their lightsabers.
It was part of the Jedi Temple garden complex, yet obscure
enough to be somewhat private. By the time Obi-Wan had reached
the glade, he had passed the last person wandering in the
gardens some time before. He entered through the small arch -
even he had to stoop to enter. Hooded, his arms folded together
and hidden within the wide sleeves of his robe, Obi-Wan paused
to acclimate his Force sense.
Immediately he sensed his master before he saw him. The
friesdelfia heightened his sense to where he could actually see
his master's Force aura before his physical presence deeper
within the glade. The aura was bright and sparkling with Master
Qui-Gon's deep communion with the living Force. Upon reaching
him, Obi-Wan knelt before him, awed by what he was sensing.
"Master," he breathed.
Qui-Gon had his hood up as well, his arms folded in the wide
sleeves of his dark brown robe. "Padawan..." There was joy in
his voice as well as pride. He sensed his apprentice's aura as
well - electric with fervor and love.
"Master, I would stay with you after being Knighted," Obi-Wan
said hastily, bowing his head before his teacher. He felt the
Force crackle around them, felt the rightness of what he was
asking.
"For what reason?" Qui-Gon asked gently.
"To... to join with you, dear Master, in... a personal union,"
Obi-Wan managed to say. He almost gasped in relief aloud as an
answering wave of approval reached him from the other.
Qui-Gon knelt down as well, then settled into meditative
position before his apprentice, sitting back on his heels. "The
request honors me," he replied, still in a formal manner. "But
I cannot respond until we have determined that a union between
us will not adversely affect your training."
"Of course, I understand that, Master," Obi-Wan hastily assured
him, and settled into the same position.
The Master pushed back his hood slightly, uncovering just his
face. After a pause, his apprentice mirrored the action,
looking back at him in wonder. It was becoming evident that
Master Qui-Gon had summoned him here for a specific reason. To
his relief, his master smiled a little. "Obi-Wan, I know that I
am often unbearably formal with you... yet that is for a
reason. Formality enables us both to maintain our focus, which
until now, has been on a particular mission or a particular
lesson or activity in your training. Fortunately that is
occasionally eased... and so we have become friends as well, I
like to think."
Obi-Wan relaxed considerably, smiling. "Yes, Master, I would
say so..."
"But always when it was time, we were able to return to that
focus at need," Qui-Gon continued. "We must ensure that this
does not change."
Obi-Wan nodded, his eyes bright. "Of course, Master," he
replied softly.
"Fortunately, there is one aid in particular that will help us
determine if we are both ready to handle such a necessary...
dichotomy." Qui-Gon looked at his young companion solemnly.
"That is, if I take 'personal union' to mean what I think it
does."
The padawan blanched. Was Qui-Gon setting him up to help him
understand that this wasn't possible? Was this more than a
test? Was this his way of letting Obi-Wan down easy? "Master...
as you said last night, two Jedi may choose to be together for
an emotional or spiritual union... or both. And I took that to
mean a physical union as well. This is the personal union I
referred to, a union on all three of these levels. Is this your
understanding as well, Master?" He tried to speak calmly, but
even within the cool formality of the Jedi, he did not feel the
calm. There was a great deal at risk here.
Serene, the Jedi Master nodded. "I would add to that, if I may,
Padawan, that I would consider this union to be... permanent. I
think you know that I do not tend to be a casual man. I have
had many relationships over the years... all of which ended as
soon as it became apparent that they could not last."
Obi-Wan stared at him in astonishment. He'd known that his
master occasionally took lovers, as did he himself... so was
Qui-Gon telling him that in so doing he was looking for a
lifemate? Now that he thought of it, there hadn't been anyone
in Qui-Gon's bed for a very long time, several years... Obi-Wan
cleared his throat. "I have had my last casual relationship,
Master. There will be no other now." Again his heart had begun
to pound, his emotions thrumming within him. "I want this union
to be a lifetime commitment as well." But his voice had shook
with intensity.
A hand settled on his shoulder. [Shhhh, Padawan mine, calm
yourself... we still need rational thought here. All is well.]
Applying his controls, Obi-Wan forced himself to return to a
state of serenity. Finally he nodded, and the hand fell away.
[I love you very much, Qui-Gon,] he thought to him.
[Yes, beloved, I know... and I love you very much as well,]
came back the calm reply. [But you know my responsibility...]
"Yes, Master," Obi-Wan replied aloud, his composure restored.
"What is this aid you spoke of?"
Qui-Gon removed his lightsaber from his belt. "Jedi Knights
know that the lightsaber is far more than a weapon, though the
rest of the galaxy does not. We have no better device through
which to align ourselves within the Force." He ignited his
saber and held it vertical before him. To Obi-Wan's wonder, the
green glowing blade seemed to pulse with life. The
friesdelfia...
"Yes," the Jedi Master continued, and gestured for his
apprentice to take up his saber as well. "The Force-enhancing
properties of the friesdelfia will enable something you have
never seen before, Padawan."
Obi-Wan ignited his blade and held it vertical as well,
mirroring his master. The blue laser indeed pulsed as if alive.
"It's beautiful, Qui-Gon," he said softly. "But what is it for?
The pulsing..."
[Look at me...]
Wide, blue eyes looked up into the darker blue of the Master's.
"Laser-produced Force energy in close proximity to this much
friesdelfia behaves very differently than what you're used to,"
Qui-Gon explained. His expression was serious, but his eyes
betrayed the warmth he exuded. "If our blades touch, they will
merge. And the resultant conduit in the Force will effect a
merger of our minds as well. I expect... in that merger... that
we will soon know how possible this union between us is at this
time. At least that is my hope."
"A merger of our minds..." Obi-Wan echoed, stunned. "I've never
heard of such a thing, Master..."
Qui-Gon smiled a little. "It's not the sort of thing one
usually teaches to their Padawan, no. Only the Masters
generally know of this application of friesdelfia. And it takes
a great deal of the mineral to cause this effect. This is
perhaps the only place where it is possible."
Obi-Wan looked around the small glade. It wasn't big enough to
swing a lightsaber around much, so it wasn't likely that an
unsuspecting Padawan would come in here for a practice workout.
"This is safe, then?"
The Master snorted in irony. "Is baring one's mind to another
ever safe?" Then he smiled, glancing at the glowing blade
before him. "Being Jedi has never been about being safe,
Padawan."
Was that a wicked gleam in the Jedi Master's eye? Or rather
just the verve of one who loved life with his own peculiar
serene passion? Obi-Wan glanced at his own blade, marveling. No
one was as one with the Living Force as Qui-Gon Jinn.
As one, they drew the hoods down over their eyes. All their
vision would be interior. Then Master and Padawan together
pointed the tips of their blades down to form an X.
The blades touched. Instead of the usual sizzle, there was a
musical tone that they could feel in their bones. Green and
blue merged into teal, forming a new vertical pillar of light
between then. As it formed, the Jedi could feel something else
happening.
The conduit. The barriers between their minds were stripped
away... and they were one...
Master... Padawan... Qui-Gon... Obi-Wan... Jedi... Guardians of
peace... Defenders of the defenseless... a powerful, seasoned
warrior and diplomat... a strong, adept apprentice... maverick
Jedi, reading the Force for himself instead of blindly
accepting the Council's interpretations... disciplined Jedi,
adherent to the Code... Jedi attuned closely to the Living
Force... Jedi mindful of the future... a compassionate man who
nevertheless protected his heart from potential and further
harm... a passionate man who loved deeply... a private,
contemplative man... a man who befriended easily and often... a
man deeply in love... a man deeply in love...
Together they switched their blades off. The conduit broke,
leaving them reeling. They grasped at each other's arms to hold
steady, letting the saber handles fall to the ground. Each
inhaled deeply, fighting off the vertigo of separation. Finally
something of normalcy was restored.
And they had their answer. The test had been passed.
Kneeling up, Qui-Gon Jinn pushed the hood back off his head. He
bent to do the same to his young companion, drawing him up on
his knees as well. The Master smiled at the look of dreamy
contentment on the young man's face, then he slipped one hand
around to cradle his head as he bent to kiss him.
At the touch of his beloved Qui-Gon's lips, Obi-Wan was shaken
out of his stupor to respond, running his hands around the
other's back and opening his mouth to him. [Qui? Is this real?]
[Oh, yes, beloved,] Qui-Gon answered as he kissed him slowly,
deeply, thoroughly.
They could feel the change in their link. Even after leaving
the enhancement of the friesdelfia, the two Jedi would continue
to enhance each other, doubling their strengths, healing their
interior harms, compensating for each other's weaknesses.
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