Feedback: I'll love you forever. gdukat_42@yahoo.com
Notes: Well, well, and here I was thinking I didn't need
another fandom. I couldn't resist these two G
BIGBIGBIG HUGS to Velvet, Deb and Ro for beta, encouragement
a.s.o. You rock, ladies.
I can still hear the buzz of their lightsabers. Green and red
clashing, swirling around so fast it's hard to follow the
moves.
He has always been like that. Always controlled. Polite. Calm.
A Jedi.
But when he is fighting --over the years, I have often watched
him when he was training.
He explodes.
He's a firework of moves, steps, motions, turns.
He's magnificent.
A joy to watch.
I watched him too seldom.
But I only noticed that when I knew I would never be able to
watch him again.
I would give everything to see him once more.
Not fighting.
Calm.
Meditating outside, slowly ending his trance to watch the sun
rise. Sitting still in the cold, his robe wound tightly around
him.
Like a rock in the ocean whipped by the storm.
Unmovable.
The center of my world.
The Jedi I always wanted to be.
In fight --he was just as magnificent.
I watched him, that day. Even closer than normally. Not because
I wanted to learn, no.
I knew something would happen.
Something so terrible I didn't want to know, something so
terrible I didn't even want to think about, because then I
would have been too afraid to watch him anymore.
I felt that this was the last opportunity.
Somehow I knew.
I saw him falling to his knees, meditating, like the perfect
Jedi he was.
I stood behind that force shield and knew something was wrong,
terribly wrong, because I was meant to be with him.
I was meant to kneel right there at his side, flowing with the
force, getting ready to fight beside him.
To watch his back.
But I wasn't quick enough.
I wasn't there with him.
I was standing behind a force shield watching my Master.
For the last time.
Watched him jump to life as the shield disappeared, on fire but
every step controlled, every move thought out.
Perfect.
I managed to watch his every move although I was rushing
forward myself, trying to reach him.
But I was too late again.
Could only watch.
Again.
And I saw the move.
Noticed it the same second.
I don't know how he could let it happen, if he didn't see it,
misinterpreted, if there was a peculiar pattern on the floor,
if his thoughts were distracted for just a moment, if the Force
was not fully with him when he absolutely needed it.
I still don't know.
I was not there when he needed me most.
I saw the lightsaber burning its way through him, I felt his
pain, felt it racing through me although he tried to hold up
his shields, tried even in this situation to protect me rather
than to heal himself.
Damned fool.
I think I screamed.
I screamed inside, I know that.
And I was furious.
I was furious in my rage, dimly registering my Master's efforts
to calm me down, but I couldn't, didn't want to, no way.
I felt the cold creep up inside me, but I could use it, because
I didn't give a damn which side of the Force helped me to kill
the bastard.
I didn't give a damn who I'd be afterwards.
What could I be without him.
I could feel him fading away.
Somehow I know I was only able to kill Maul that easily because
his power was right there with me.
I rushed to his side, cradling him against me, letting him know
that I'd be forever there for him.
He was so weak.
I had never told him.
I had always postponed it, in the childish belief that there
would be so much time later.
I hoped, of course.
Miracles happen, don't they?
But I guess I'd had too many of them already. He chose me as
his Padawan. He kept me as his Padawan.
Yes, I guess I had too many miracles already, I couldn't ask
for more.
But I did.
Desperately.
To no avail.
I tried to tell him, but I couldn't.
Couldn't find the words to tell him I had loved him for so
long.
That he would be the core of my soul, if he was in my world or
not.
I couldn't tell him, so I let him see.
//You're my Master. There will never be anyone else.// I
managed through the thousands of thoughts flowing out of me.
"Promise me you will train the boy." He said, and of course I
promised, but his mind, his mind was telling me something else.
//It has always been you, Obi-Wan. No one else. Always yours,
love. Always.//
I saw in his eyes that it was true, my heart breaking because I
knew I couldn't go on without him. My whole world would be gone
with him, there was no reason for me to be here without him.
I felt his fingers on my cheek, leading me back to focus with
that burning touch.
//You have to go on, Obi. You can. You're strong. Stronger than
you think. You have to go on, love, promise me you will.
Promise me, Obi-Wan.//
What could I say.
//Yes, Master.//
Anything for you.
Anything.
//I love you, Qui.// Finally finding the words. I had always
dreamed of daring to call him so.
I felt him smile through our bond. //I love you, too. I'll
always be with you, Obi.//
And he went.
I don't know how long I kept sitting there, holding him, trying
to reach him even after I had seen him burn.
He is gone now, although our bond is still there.
He was right, he will always be here with me in some way.
And I try to go on.
Try to be a good Knight.
My Padawan-braid lies buried somewhere in my closet, because
there will never be anyone else I will call Master.
I try to train the boy.
I try.
And maybe I'm stronger than I've thought, but I still don't
know anything that makes it worth staying when he is not here.
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