by Fionnabair (fionnabair@freeuk.com) and Aeshna
(aeshna@kelmaith.demon.co.uk)
Archive: Yes to M/A, all others please ask
Disclaimers: These aren't the boys you're looking for, Mr Lucas
<waves hand>
Pairings: Look, just read the thing, it'd be quicker.
Summary: Qui-Gon has a serious talk with Obi-Wan about his
personal habits.
Squick alerts: No-one dies, no angst, people have some very
strange sexual habits. And appendages. Lovecraft is
namechecked. Twice. Humour. Het references.
Comments: This isn't precisely a sequel to Extra-Curricular
Activities, although it started as one. Definitely it's in the
same vein though. It's also a response to the challenge
"Obi-Wan, not everyone wants to have sex with you".
<beams scarily>
"Obi-Wan, not everyone wants to have sex with you."
"Yes they do."
Qui-Gon sighed. Persuading his apprentice to abandon his
licentious ways was not proving easy. He tried another tack.
"How do you know everyone wants to have sex with you?"
Obi-Wan beamed and leapt to his feet.
"Hang on, I'll show you." He headed for his bedroom.
Qui-Gon resumed his seat in the living room. A worrying thought
struck him. His Padawan couldn't want to prove his theory with
a demonstration, could he?
His fears were calmed when Obi-Wan returned in much the same
condition in which he had left the room, carrying several thick
ledgers.
"Here we are," he said cheerfully, dumping the ledgers down on
the couch beside Qui-Gon. "My appointments over the past year
or so."
Qui-Gon picked up one ledger gingerly. It appeared Obi-Wan had
been busy indeed. The ledgers were a tribute to Master Yaddle's
bookkeeping class, meticulously listing each appointment,
together with charges, payments received and outgoings relating
to each client.
"Here," said Obi-Wan, returning with some card indexes and a
heavy datapad. "I've cross- referenced my clients, noting their
preferences, sizing and biological compatibility."
"Was this really necessary?" asked Qui-Gon weakly.
"Oh yes," said Obi-Wan, nodding seriously. "There are some
species you just shouldn't mix up. The incident with the
Wookiee and the two Ewoks was rather distressing, and I was
removing hair from the carpet for weeks."
"Indeed," murmured Qui-Gon, as he leafed through the card
index, raising his eyebrows at some of the more famous and
infamous names on Obi-Wan's books. It did indeed appear that
everyone wanted to have sex with his Padawan - except for
Qui-Gon himself.
"That's okay, Master," said Obi-Wan cheerfully. "I know you're
only waiting for my knighting so that you can approach me
without our Master/Apprentice bond tainting the issue."
"What?" mumbled Qui-Gon, engrossed in the details of Chancellor
Valorum's preferences in fantasy play. Obi-Wan's words sank in.
"Um, that's not exactly true, Obi-Wan," he stuttered.
"Oh?" asked the Padawan unconcernedly. "Is it that you haven't
realised that I'm of an acceptable age and you persist in
regarding me as a child?"
"No."
"Have you taken a vow of chastity, then?" inquired Obi-Wan.
"Not as far as I can remember."
"Is it that you think I'm in a committed relationship with
another person?"
"After looking at these books? Nope."
"Master?" Qui-Gon looked up at Obi-Wan's words and discovered
his Padawan was looking rather bashful. "Is it that your
species doesn't hit puberty until you're really old?"
"Sorry, no. Balls dropped bang on time, voice broke at 12,
enthusiastic wanker all through my teens. I well and truly went
through puberty long before you were born, Obi-Wan."
"Is it that you think you're too old for me then?"
"Nope. Age matters not, as Master Yoda persistently tells that
cute young Knight on Level 23. I think she's still trying to
explain that green isn't her colour."
"Do you fear that your lack of experience will embarrass you?"
"I am NOT inexperienced. Ask Mace. Or Adi. Or Depa. Or all
three at once."
"You're not... heterosexual, are you?"
"Not in the slightest. The two ladies were merely aberrations
in a long and enthusiastically homosexual sex life."
"Well then, do you worry we're not biologically compatible?"
"Obi-Wan, after reading these books here, I'm more than
confident that Cthulhu wouldn't pose a challenge to you. I
mean, I read the notes on the Wookiee, the Hutt, the Tauntaun
and Shubniggureth. Not to mention the graffiti on the toilet
walls around the temple."
"Cthulhu?"
Qui-Gon looked embarrassed. "Didn't you ever nickname your
penis?"
"Well yes, but Cthulhu?"
"It's... it's hard to explain. But honestly, it's got nothing
to do with my not wanting to sleep with you."
"Oh, but now I'm really curious."
"Curiosity becomes not a Jedi."
"Bollocks."
"Oh okay." Qui-Gon stood up and loosened his belt. His leggings
slithered down around his boot tops.
There was a moment's awed silence.
"Wow."
"Now you see."
"Indeed I do, Master. A gold spandex bikini brief? They're
really hard to find on Coruscant."
"Sorry." Qui-Gon hastily lowered his underwear.
"Fuck me!"
"I don't think that's a wise idea, Padawan."
Obi-Wan leaned in closer.
"I can see why you call it Cthulhu. I like the tentacles. And
are those hooks?"
Qui-Gon nodded. "May I pull up my trousers now, Padawan? I
don't like to expose it to daylight for too long - it might
bubble and disintegrate."
Obi-Wan sat back on his heels, deeply impressed.
"But I can cope with that, Master. Why, the Twi'lek ambassador
alone..."
"Spare me the details, Obi-Wan. Suffice it to say that I find
my sexual release elsewhere."
"Master, you can tell me."
"It's embarrassing, Obi-Wan."
"Master! You've seen my books. How much more embarrassing can
it get?"
"That's the problem, Obi-Wan. I've seen your books and they...
they excited me."
"You like reading about it? Kinky, but I can cope. I have a
whole series of bedtime stories that I found on this great
website."
"No, it's not that." Qui-Gon blushed. "If you really must know,
Padawan, these days book- keeping is what excites me. I have a
passion for accountancy."
Obi-Wan nodded meekly. It took all kinds, he well knew,
frequently from personal intimate experience.
"In that case, Master?"
"Yes, Padawan?"
"Could I interest you in something else?"
"Does it involve sex?"
"Well..."
"What, precisely, do you wish to interest me in?"
"My tax inspection is due."
Qui-Gon's eyes lit up.
"Tax, you say?"
Obi-Wan nodded humbly.
"Yes, Master. I've got all these expenses, you see, but I don't
know which are allowable."
Qui-Gon smiled benignly.
"Let me do it, my boy. It would be a pleasure."
Obi-Wan obediently brought his accounts forward for his
Master's inspection. Then, looking at the chrono, he squeaked
and dashed to his room to prepare for his next appointment.
A very different-looking Padawan returned to the living room.
Qui-Gon barely glanced at the leather-clad youth whose eyes
were startlingly outlined in kohl.
"I, uh, have an appointment, Master. Don't wait up."
"Sure, sure," muttered Qui-Gon, already engrossed in the books
in front of him.
As Obi-Wan gently closed the door behind him, relieved to have
escaped Qui-Gon's planned lecture, he heard his Master say, in
tones of deepest lust, "Double-entry!" and moan in ecstasy.
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