Best Laid Plans

by Kathye (dubghall@aol.com)

Rating: PG

Pairing: Q/O

Category: Humor, first time, squick

Summary: Obi-Wan picks Qui-Gon for his first time, but overdoes things.

Warnings: The words "fecal matter" appear. You have been warned.

Archive: MA and Seraph's Glade (http://members.aol.com/ChunTianShi/index.html, if AOL feels like letting it appear)

Feedback: I'm afraid to ask, for this one

Disclaimer: They don't belong to me, I'm not making any money, and Lucas would never do this to them. Truly just as well.

Notes: Having failed in being able to write anything serious for a while, I've returned to humour, such as it is. This just popped into my head. It occurred to me while reading the sex advice section of Aaron Lawrence's website (http://www.aaronlawrence.com/ ) My mind said, 'Wow, this kind of stuff never happens in fan fic' and then it became determined to write some. Bad mind, no biscuit.

All mistakes here are also completely my own, since I squicked out my main beta-reader.

It was very, very late at night when Qui-Gon Jinn shuffled into his darkened bedroom. He had just returned from one mission and was already mentally cataloging the things he needed to take care of before his next one.

He took his cloak off , smelled it and poked a finger into the new holes before tossing it onto a chair. 'Get cloak cleaned and repaired. No, get new cloak. And get an extra one to leave on the ship this time.'

A muscle in his left shoulder twinged. 'Refill medkits. Make appointment with Healers for muscle treatment. Remember to fall on other shoulder next time.'

'Must have these resoled,' he thought as he dropped his charred boots to the floor. 'Get holobook from library about Acostan culture. Apologize to Jocasta for damaged holobook about Re'pir'zt culture. Promise never to take holobook on mission again.'

He peeled off his tunics and threw them toward the laundry hopper. 'Get Acostan head scarf, naked Padawan in my bed, adjust lightsaber intensity control...'

Qui-Gon stopped and replayed the last few items. He slowly turned his head toward his bed, and saw that there was indeed a naked Padawan on his bed. His naked Padawan, to be specific.

With a gesture, the lights came up to a quarter brightness. The aforementioned Padawan, still naked, sat up slowly, blinking his eyes.

"Master! You're finally back!"

"Obi-Wan, why are you in my bed. And naked?" Qui-Gon's brain couldn't quite get past that one yet.

"It's my eighteenth birthday, Master!"

Yes, Qui-Gon remembered that vaguely now. He had a present for Obi-Wan in the bags that went to Dantooine instead of to the Temple.

"And that explains the nudity how?"

Obi-Wan gave him an exasperated look. "The Rite of First Lover? On my eighteenth birthday, I can choose whomever I want to, to be my First Lover." He flung out his arms. "And I've chosen you!"

'Oh dear,' Qui-Gon thought. 'Why didn't I choose a female Padawan? Or at least a heterosexual male?' He glanced at Obi-Wan's very flat chest and very bulging... 'Better pull out the old Masters-and-Padawans-can't-do-that-so-sorry-my-apprentice platitudes.'

"Obi-Wan, you know that I care for you deeply, but a Master isn't permitted to sleep with his Padawan..."

Obi-Wan smiled at him. "Except for the Rite of First Lover. There's an exception for that."

Qui-Gon repressed a sigh. 'Forgot about that one, didn't you Qui-Gon? There was a Master with attachment issues who came up with that loophole.'

Aloud, Qui-Gon said, "Are you sure you don't want someone closer to your own age, Obi-Wan, instead of a man old enough to be your father?" Perhaps the But It's Nearly Incestuous gambit would work.

"I don't want anyone but you," Obi-Wan said as he slid off the bed and stalked over to his Master.

Drat.

Untutored fingers began to glide over his shoulders while Obi-Wan leaned against his chest. "I know that you're not permitted to admit how you feel until I'm Knighted, Master. I can wait until then, if I can have this one night." Obi-Wan looked up at him, pleading. He whispered, "Please say yes, Qui-Gon."

Double drat. There was no way out of this without hurting his Obi-Wan. Oh well, after tonight he would have a good seven years before the subject could come up again. Plenty of time for Obi-Wan to fall for some handsome young Knight.

Qui-Gon leaned down and gently kissed Obi-Wan's lips. "I would be honored to accept your offer to be your First Lover, my Padawan."

Obi-Wan's face lit up with a brilliant smile and he pulled his Master onto the bed. "I've thought of everything, Master. I obtained a selection of massage lotions and lubricants from the quartermasters, I have some fruit here, if we need a snack, and I even cleaned myself thoroughly, so there won't be any mess to worry about."

(The management regrets that we are unable to present the middle sequence of "Best Laid Plans", due to the author having squicked herself in the attempt to type it. Really, it's for your own good.)

A short time later, Qui-Gon, wrapped in a towel, was leaning against the sink in their cleaning facilities while his apprentice showered.

"How many bottles of cleansing fluid did you use to clean yourself out with, Obi-Wan?"

There was a brief silence, then a very sheepish, "Five."

"Five bottles?"

Obi-Wan's dripping head popped out from behind the shower barrier. "I wanted to be completely immaculate for you!"

"Yes, but five? Didn't you learn anything in your physiology classes? Or in your physics classes? What goes up, must come..."

The water shut off and Obi-Wan stepped out, reaching for a towel. "Must come gushing out in a deluge of cleansing fluid and desolved fecal matter, drenching your Master and his bed, completely destroying any kind of romantic mood that may have existed? Yes, I did come to that conclusion, Qui-Gon."

Qui-Gon allowed himself a smile as Obi-Wan scrubbed his face dry. " 'We should thank the Force every day for the experiences we have had, and the opportunities to learn from them, for without them we would not grow as J...' "

Obi-Wan's towel smacked into his face.

"I'm not in the mood for ancient Jedi wisdom right now, Master. Have you seen my box of braid ties?" Obi-Wan bent over to look under the table where his grooming supplies normally resided, displaying, surely unintentionally, a perfectly formed backside to his Master.

Qui-Gon felt a jump in his heretofore disinterested penis. He cocked an eyebrow toward his genitals. 'Really? Are you sure, Old Man?'

Obi-Wan had gotten down on his hands and knees, reaching far beneath the low table, his ass wiggling in the air. Qui-Gon could feel the situation hardening up under his towel. 'Interesting. I guess even an old Jedi can learn from new experiences. '

"I don't know why I should bother to look nice anymore," Obi-Wan grumbled as he stood up. "I'm just going to die a virgin, friendless and alone." He tossed the box onto the table, where it slid over the back and onto the floor again.

"You don't have to die a virgin," Qui-Gon said, caressing Obi-Wan's cheek.

"Master?"

"You made an offer to me earlier, and I accepted. I believe that your bed is clean and dry, so there's no reason why we can't continue the ceremony in your room. That is, if you still want me."

Obi-Wan leaned forward and kissed him soundly. "Of course I still want you! Let me go get the lube!" he said, then ran off towards Qui-Gon's bedroom.

Distantly, Qui-Gon heard, "I picked out one that sounds really interesting. It's called 'Red Hot and Tingling'!"

Qui-Gon sighed and started a new list of things to do. "Must remember to pick up some soothing balm tomorrow. Must remember to call the quartermasters and have the bed replaced while we're on Acosta. Must remember to talk to the masters in charge of the Sexuality Information class about certain deficiencies in their curriculum...'