Pain and Redemption

by Qor-Ynn (qorynn@aol.com)



Archive: master_apprentice

Category: angst, AU

Warnings: no real sex, sorry; some violence, implied rape

Disclaimer: They are George's and I envy him.

Feedback: Oh, please, please, yes!!!

Summary: That scene once more - but a little bit different...

Thanks: To my beta Pooka, who did a great job!

Dedicated: To my Padawan Mhij-Qij, who is responsible for turning my life upside down when she mailed me a few stories the night after the movie.

Please note: This is my first-first Q/O story - I saw the movie just 3 1/2 weeks ago - so forgive, if I do that scene again when it has been done a hundred times already. For me the hurt is still very fresh, and so is the need to redo the scene. Be gentle with me.



From one heartbeat to the next, his world shattered. One heartbeat and the world was as it had been, all as it should be. Even though this heartbeat was frightened and fast - not an unusual state when it was being forced to watch the one it shared an unbreakable link with be in danger. But still the galaxy rotated as it always had done, the planet under his feet breathed, the Force connected him with all life here and elsewhere. The world was safe and everything was understood. There was a souldeep comfort in being part of the flow.

Then there was that almost unmeasurable space between this heartbeat and the next.

And the world plunged into darkness, the galaxy jangled loose, the Force a shattered flicker, unsteady like a will-'o-the-wisp, dropping the ground from under his feet, letting all suns set simultaneously, as if swallowed by a gaping black hole.

The next heartbeat brought the dawn of a new world, a red-drenched world where there was nothing left but despair. The Force ricocheted on the walls of his mind, laughing, ungrabbable.

Obi-Wan Kenobi's heart beat on. Even if his mind couldn't understand how. The pain lacing through his breast was like nothing he had ever felt before or even imagined to be possible. Even the mere thought had brought more pain than he dared admit to, always denied fast and stored away in the back of his mind. But no denial could save him from the reality now - the reality before his glazing eyes, the reality slicing through his mind like a laser, making him howl like a mortally wounded animal and whimper like a lost cub, lying on its slaughtered mother's breast, utterly alone and frightened.

He watched as his best friend, his beloved mentor, the only father he had ever known curled into himself on the floor. Only meters away from him, galaxies apart. The big, competent and so tender hands clutching over a wound they could not hold together by physical force alone.

His mental cry still echoed in the Force. He grasped desperately for the essence that was the one soul he loved more than life. But he could not grasp it, the other mind was shielding too hard, he could not even find it. Through the Force he clawed at those shields, begging for an answer, for anything but this suffocating blank, this stillness in the Force where a moment before had shone such a bright beacon - always there to guide, to sooth, to wrap around him with warmth.

A black wall appeared before him and his wild bucking heart missed a beat in confusion - for a moment he forgot where he was.

Obi-Wan's eyes snapped up and locked with the orange-glowing ones of the demon on the other side of the laser-wall. It was only a hair's breath of sanity that didn't let him launch forward to haul himself onto this darkness in disguise of man, this destroyer of his world, this defiler of all he held dear.

He saw the snicker in the twisted face of him, saw his taunting. The Sith sauntered over to his master and poked an unfriendly boot into his ribs, getting no response, which seemed to suite him well. His orange eyes never left the young Jedi, his pointed teeth flashing between his black tattooed lips like sunbleached bones.

"This the best you Jedi had? This old man? A tottering old man and a whelp." To hear that rough, ugly voice defiling his master, the best swordsman of a whole generation, ignited Obi-Wan even more - if possible. The Sith tried to provoke him to give into rage and hate...as if he had needed prompting anymore, sucked under as he was already in the maelstrom of dark emotions, loosing his connection to the living Force by the second.

The Sith stepped to the side of the laser-wall again.

Come, Jedi-cub. Clear in his mind, contempt dripping like acid, staining his mind through the mere contact. The Force felt defiled, too, in this moment, sickening circles of slime instead of the clear blue wavering he knew. Energy pockets exploded inside the flow like opened abscesses, lacing the Force with red-black streaks of stinking gore. The black swell licked on him, drowning coherent thought, sliding like a blanket over the awareness of the Force he had known, leaving only a burning in him, a blinding hate. His breath came in gusts, his eyes darting from the fallen form to the laughing Sith-Lord, willing the barrier to open....now. And as if at last bending to his command, he heard the beginning of mechanical movement.

Obi-Wan grasped the dark swelling inside him, molded it to his needs, bending the wave inside him -just as the lasers cycled and opened up for him.

With an inhuman outcry he jumped into the room and engaged the Sith.

Their blades collided, drew back again and came back together in blinding speed. The whirling double-sword's lightning speed matched effortlessly by a blue flame which had never before moved so fast. The paries came faster than muscles could possibly answer to nerves - even Jedi-nerves.

Never had Obi-Wan Kenobi fought with such vehemence, such brutal force but such deadly precision. In this moment he was his saber, the saber the Force. His hits landed hard on the red blades, a hammering staccato of primeval hate.

The black swell inside him came down on him, bending the light for him and the double-sword of his opponent snapped in two, as he got it in an upward thrust.

The Sith stumbled backward, thrown out of balance and fell. With a feral growl, Obi-Wan closed in on him, mercilessly, his soul honed in for the kill.

The black-clad man managed to deflect his blow one handed, scrambling back, coming to his feet again and somersaulted over the Jedi's head. It brought him out the reach of this Jedi-Apprentice-turned-berserker, breaking the momentum of the attack, breaking the spell Obi-Wan had been under. The Dark inside his mind receded like the tide, the manifestations of the Dark Side of the Force faltered, left him, drew his strength with it, leaving him sweating and shaking.

His burning eyes found his enemy again, that tattooed face showing keen alertness to the shift in the Force -and then there was comprehension dawning and the ugly smile reappeared. The Sith attacked him again and Obi-Wan found himself in the defensive, blocking blows, not directing them. Step by step he was forced to recede, to give way, his burning arm-muscles not longer able to obey the commands of his brain, his reaction slower each ticking second of deflecting the brutal force coming down on him.

Something in him resigned.

It was over.

Had his master had this insight, too, before he fell?

The thought was accompanied with sudden calm washing over him.

Master, wait for me - I'm coming! he thought, a clear blast in the Force and he thought he got an answer this time, just a faint flicker, but there nonetheless.

Obi-Wan...





Darth Maul, was confused about the beatific smile washing over the Jedi-Apprentice's bone weary face. But he had no problems blocking the sudden attack his foe had launched upon him, too obvious was the uncoordinated mustering of last strength. Oh, the hits, once more, came fast, feral, but the strength behind them was gone, no finesse left, and it took only a moment for him to bring the forward motion of the Jedi to a halt, their lightsabers crossed sparkling only a hand's breath over the handles, mere centimeters from their faces. A snarl was on the flushed, sweat-dripping one before him, defying him even now. Admirable but useless. It was so easy.

His master had been right, they had been no match for him.

Sensing no strength left in the whelp, Darth Maul confidently loosened one hand from his lightsaber's handle and made an almost casual gesture, stabbing his open palm in Obi-Wan's direction, channeling the Force through it, causing a hard shove that hit the unprepared Jedi squarely in the chest, careening him over like a broken puppet, thumping him against the wall with a satisfying crunch.

The little Jedi-puppy moaned, trying to move, to get his arms under him. On his elbows, his frantic eyes searched for his weapon - still not defeated. The Sith laughed aloud, bringing the pale eyes to him. He stood at the edge of the pit, his red lightsaber in a classic Jedi-defense-pose beside his head, knowing how his mocking would make the picture of ultimate victory complete. The whelp's deactivated lightsaber lay beside his left boot. With almost nonchalance he toed it into the abyss, never taking his glowing eyes from his prey.

Maul saw the flicker of despair in the enormous grey-blue eyes locked on him and rejoiced. The victory burned hot in his breast, an euphoria to compare with nothing else.

He watched as the whelp shifted his gaze to his fallen master, a shift in the Force, like an icy breeze on the Sith's mind. Then serenity settled over the young Jedi's face, before he fell to his face, his arms having given out under him.

"Yes, say goodbye to your master, cub," he hissed, stepping over to the crumbled form at the wall.

He toed the man on his back, getting no real protest, only a halfhearted defensive gesture with one hand, which did not more than tear the hem of his skirts. He looked down at the disheveled and sweat-drenched enemy, his milky-white sets of tunics ajar, his silly apprentice-braid sticking to his wet, heaving chest. He snarled, thinking of how arrogantly the Jedi presented themselves in their immaculate, pristine whites, knowing how striking they were looking, especially this cocky little bastard, he had often seen on Coruscant. He cocked his head to one side. Not so striking anymore. And now he would mar these looks and the pristine whites a little bit more. Lifting his red blade, he held it casually over the neck of the Jedi.

A small movement to his right brought his attention to where the older man lay.




Qui-Gon Jinn was dying.

The cry for help, his body was sending to his brain was only a fading echo as he moved more into the blue swirl around him, its call irresistible...and why should he resist at all? The thought came, flickered away again. But there was still something that had a grab on him, not allowing him to go just this moment. A fleeting touch of his apprentice's mind, asking him to wait - wait for what? Obi-Wan he thought ....for wha... This too was lost again.

After a while a ripple in the Force came to to him and he touched it almost in an afterthought, seeing a Vision then, distant, saw a young man in white, another in black, saw them struggle and the one in white defeated. A red flame held by the dark one bored itself into the breast of the other, a mouth open in a silent cry, blue eyes bugging, a last tear running down a smooth cheek and then the same eyes blank, broken, empty shells, staring upward, to him....Qui-Gon shivered and the Force welled sluggishly around him as he lost hold of the vision which rippled away to be lost again in the general flow.

Visions of the future wasn't his talent, never had been, so why now, for that had been the future, hadn't it? The feeling of imminent danger settled in him and he couldn't find peace anymore in the flow and ebb around him, its psychic warmth suddenly suffocating.

The cry of his body became stronger and Qui-Gon felt himself called back into it and not resisting he settled in it again, instantly smothered by the dull pain that was his middle, or what was left of it. Stomach and liver were only glued together chunks of congealed proteins. He was quite well cooked and that thought was somehow humorous, so he chuckled. No sound escaping, but his body shook with it.

The movement brought other awareness and he managed to lift heavy lids, first blinded by the light, then making out the black and blue surrounding. Confused he turned his head, or better let it simply fall to the side and met red-glowing eyes of an apparition. No. Real. Too real. Remembering him. The fight. Finding himself with an opponent he could not beat. With this - man. Or what ever he was, never having seen one like him before. Sith.

So, you are not dead, hm?

Qui-Gon winced back from that seething touch in his mind, getting the full blast of hate mixed with hot triumph. His eyes fell and found his apprentice. He lay like a broken doll at the feet of the Sith, the red lightsaber hovering over his exposed chest. A chest that still rose and fell in heavy gasps - the vision had been True then - and he had come in time---to what? To see his padawan murdered? Or to prevent it? It couldn't be that he had been drawn back here only to witness....

A shudder ran through his body and abstractedly he got aware of the struggling that took place in himself, his heart beating too fast in a hectic shallow pumping, his blood sacking away in the depth of his body, cold shivers crawled over him in response. For a moment Qui-Gon had to focus himself on his shock-wrecked body and directed strength to his heart and to consciously deepen and even out his breath, to tighten up the slack muscles of his veins...and finding he almost could not. It was like running through hip-deep water, exhausting, unproductive, an enormous energy drain on empty power cells.

Qui-Gon understood then that he would be unable to prevent anything happening outside his body. He was so weak, his body begging for sleep he could not grant it. He could not even find the strength to lift his head. He tried to Force-augment and couldn't grasp anymore of it as he already was -becoming aware with a start, how heavily he already leaned on the Force. That without it there would no life left anymore in this body. A dying body had it's limits, that was one truth - and Force or not, Jedi died. But he could not quit now, Qui-Gon decided stubbornly.

Attention back on the Sith, he saw him grin. He didn't like it at all; it was the malevolent grin of a horror rejoicing in the pain of the helpless. It was the hungry snarl of a torturer turned on by the cries of his victims.

Fear gripped him. Not for himself, but for his young apprentice. That fear had brought him back here, but, the Fates were cruel, didn't let him interfere, degrading him to an impotent spectator.

And the Sith knew.

He saw him poke Obi-Wan into the side, saw him not looking at his victim but at him. The glowering eyes spoke as clearly as had he done so with that husky voice of his that he didn't care to hear again. The Sith wanted him broken, wanted him shamed. The Sith weighed his padawan as too little, as being no more than a tool for him to gain the satisfaction of the total destruction of a Jedi-Master.

All this he read in the red eyes and it was unbearable to be made the reason for torturing an innocent. He wanted to argue with the wraith but knew it would be fruitless. The Sith knew how to get him. Knew nothing would hurt him more than watching him torture and kill his ward. So he wanted a reaction from him --- he would be disappointed, for Qui-Gon had nothing left to show emotion with but his eyes. And he would not give him even that.





Obi-Wan's muddled brain was unable to comprehend what was happening. The pain in his cracked skull and broken ribs and the burn down his front sucked him into the neverland of shock. The only coherent thought was the question of why he wasn't dead.

A brutal twinge closed around his neck and he was jostled about, he felt as if his brain has come loose in his skull and it hurt. Then he was shoved full length against a cold surface, a wall he guessed. Held there by the fist around his neck, which made breathing hard, he knew nothing but the sudden cold on his shivering limbs as their covering was ripped from them. He was not even aware of having lifted his arms in defense - but was very aware as something hard collided with his groin, pressing a gasp from him.

Don't move, scum.

The ugly snarl crawled over his consciousness like filthy, mucky slime. Pain radiated from his groin in waves, setting his spine on fire and instead of doing as the voice demanded, he reached out on instinct only, an automatism of a Force-sensitive, feeling for the Force blindly, finding it and using it to shove the attacker from him. The pressure around his neck loosened instantly and he sagged to the floor again, unable to stay on his legs, but his vision cleared now.

His eyes opened right at the moment to see a boot coming his way - his defense came too late and the boot connected solidly with his jaw, whirling him back, letting him hit the wall behind him again with a thud. He bit down on his tongue hard and the warm, sickening sweetness of blood filled his mouth. Pain shot up from his back as the boot made contact with his kidneys.





Eyes burning from having forgotten to blink, Qui-Gon watched as the Sith did not simply proceed to kill his padawan but yanked the clothing from the slack body. The Sith manhandled him and stilled a short bout of defiance with brutal force.

The Sith grinned over to him again as he had Obi-Wan curled up into a fetal position at his feet.

"Make an end, man," Qui-Gon growled from lips that wouldn't really move.

"Oh, it is just the beginning. Watch, venerable Sword-Master."




A hand in Obi-Wan's hair hauled him around from where he lay on his face and shook him like a wet towel, but there was nothing left in Obi-Wan to react with. His brain too muddled with pain, the Force a distant flicker he could barely reach, but it was a small comfort for him.

Then something was with him there, a presence of sudden black terror, something creeped along the thin line he held to the Force and yanked him away from it with ease. Grating laughter filled his world as suddenly as a biting new pain shot up from the low of his back. He jacknifed under it, left alone by the Force, left alone without any mental disciplines. He cried out. Again. And again.

He knew then how it was to be violated.

His mind and body were invaded by black slime which was delighted by the total surrender it forced. Showing with glee how helpless he was, only a toy in the hands of the mighty.

See, little Jedi, what your pitiful skills are against the Dark Side?? Again that laughter. Nothing!

Obi-Wan tried to ignore the voice, tried to separate himself from his body, to still all thoughts, tried to flow into the Force again. The black slime tore at him, but he slipped through it's grip like a whisper of smoke.





Qui-Gon watched helplessly as the demon proceeded to beat the young Jedi into submission and then...Fates, no....he heard his apprentice's cries of pain. His own heart beating so fast it was almost stopped in effort. Obi-Wan's wail burned on his soul like a magma imprint.

This was the one he had sworn to protect when taking him in as padawan all those years ago, not only as a student but also a surrogate child. His responsibility - a definite pleasure in Obi-Wan's case - was to bring him into adulthood unscarred. He had failed. His padawan was beaten and raped to death in front of his eyes. If he only could ease Obi-Wan's pain, if he only wasn't so weak. Shattered to the bone by his padawan's anguish, almost dead through his own, Qui-Gon let himself drift again, down into the Force, leaving only the tiniest tendril to his body.

It was hard to banish all disturbing thoughts, but decades of mental discipline were not denied and Obi-Wan's mind signature drew him in like a beacon, his pain a white torch in the Force.

Master? Please? Don't leave without me....

When Qui-Gon touched Obi-Wan's mind, he found him on the brink of dispersing himself into the Force, wavering on the very threshold, crying desperately for him, a frightened child once more crying for its parent. No, a dying man calling for his love...Qui-Gon let the startling revelation go and reached out for his apprentice.

I am here, padawan he called softly and instantly he was there, Obi-Wan's beautiful soul wrapping itself around him like a second skin, trying to become one with him, obviously thinking his master had joined the Force for good.

Qui-Gon took him in and hot regret overwhelmed him for that such a bright spirit, such a soul should be cheated of the full life he had thought it was destined to have. This end had not been foreseen by anyone. Even Yoda had told him once he saw Obi-Wan's destiny intermingled with that of the future of the Galaxy. He had found great satisfaction in that prospect and gratitude to be chosen to be the one to lead this young life into a bright future. If there only was a chance...Obi-Wan was so extraordinarily strong in the Force, only his grip of it was still erratic and raw.

When he only could persuade him to find that well of unbridled energy, to let it loose for once.





No. Obi-Wan. Don't let go of your body yet. Hear me, boy! A hard command to be obeyed. Obi-Wan more felt than heard what was asked of him. And he was always obedient to the man he loved.

As instructed he gathered for one last time all he was, all he presented in the Force, even that uncontrollable part he feared, and shoved it outside. The Force tingled down shut-down nerves, imploded with the midi-chlorianae in his cells in a burst of blue light, channeling it to his fingers, letting it leap over to - something that howled loud inside and outside the Force. And vanished.

The Force in him was like a living thing now, doing what it pleased, ebbing through his body, healing, mending, lulling him into thoughtlessness. The quality changed, veils thinned, vaguely he was aware of another presence again, realizing that it had been with him for some time. The bright flame of the mental signature let him fly to it like a moth to a flame.

Master!!

You have done well, my padawan, his master praised, the craved-for mind-voice so warm, washing affection over him in gentle waves.

Something tugged at him and his consciousness returned into his body, his eyes blinking open into the physical world. All his senses came back to life with a start. He ached. Everywhere. With an effort he lifted himself on his elbows, finding the strength to lift his heavy head from the cold deck that branded like ice against the naked skin of his whole frontside. He looked around, finding the memory of this room again, finding the memory of what had occurred here.

The Sith was nowhere in sight and a sudden knowledge let him be found on the bottom of a four hundred meter-deep reactor shaft.

Expelling a shuddering breath he came totally to his senses...

Master! he squeaked in sudden terror and turned to his side to look at where the body of his master had rested - and found him exactly where he should be.

Qui-Gon lay prone on his back, his hands still pressed on his middle, but his head was turned to him and soft dark-blue eyes regarded him with nothing but love.

Obi-Wan couldn't suppress a sob as he saw his master alive. With effort he crawled over to him, not aware he was leaving a broad smear of blood on the shiny black surface of the deck. Obi-Wan was crying, when he reached the other man. He cradled the head of his master in his shaky hands, finding the skin pale and clammy, but Force, he could also feel the warm blood pulse steadily under it. He sobbed and buried his face into in the long hair of the older man.

"You're alive. I thought I'd lost you."

A shaking hand wound itself into his hair, stroking the sweat and blood soaked spikes.

"I won't leave you, my padawan." A snort. " At least not without a fight."

Obi-Wan looked up again then, staring deeply into the midnight-blue eyes.

"Don't do that to me again. Leaving me behind." Meaning the fight, meaning this life.

"Not by my free will." The shaking hand in his hair came down to ran down his braid, stiff with congealed blood, then up again to cup his cheek. Sorrow darkened blue irises to black.

"I'm sorry I couldn't prevent..." Obi-Wan took hold of the hand on his cheek and turned his face to place a kiss on the cool palm.

So Qui-Gon had seen it all, had to watch his violation. He had not known he had been used as a weapon against his master, thinking him gone. But when he thought about it - - as he had been barely conscious for the most time and left with no clear memory of anything that occurred, except pain everywhere, the whole show would have been wasted on him anyway--a wry thought. His heart ached for his master, knowing he would feel guilty and longed to ease this gentle man's mind.

"Don't. Without you I would have given up. You came for me."

Qui-Gon only smiled that little sad smile of his.

Obi-Wan bent down to lay a soft kiss on his brow, gratitude and awe in his eyes.

"You came and saved me."

"I only showed you the way, my padawan."

"As you always do." Obi-Wan shook his head, wondering how he had deserved this man. He locked eyes with Qui-Gon again, letting them speak the full of his heart.

The sorrow in his master's eyes changed to wonder, reading his eyes, reading his heart. A cold fingertip stroked down his cheek.

"You love me that much?"

Obi-Wan's battered face cracked into a smile.

"Oh, you can't imagine how much. "

He bent to press his cheek to Qui-Gon's clammy one, holding fast, still not really believing his master was here, alive, not believing his heart was allowed to live on.

"I don't deserve you, Obi-Wan."

The young man's head shoot up. "Don't ever say that! You'll all I'll ever love!" Acting out of the spur of the moment, Obi-Wan bent down, laying his mouth over the slightly blue-tinged lips. "All I'll ever love, " her repeated, now a real kiss, loosing himself in the caress of the soft, cool flesh.

"My Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon whispered in that voice, that made the simple words into a soft endearment. The young man burst out in tears again.

Pressing kisses all over the bearded face he tried to convey with his lips what his bursting heart could not tell otherwise.

Qui-Gon stopped him with both hands on the sides of his face.

"Calm yourself, padawan," he ordered and Obi-Wan did his best to obey. He tried to still this frightened shivering inside, this need to crawl into his beloved master, to be one with his life-force again. Tried to stop remembering the echo their touch inside the Force they had left a short while ago.

A soft touch on his mouth brought him to the here and now again. His master's lips left his almost reluctantly. Obi-Wan thought he must sink and drown into the deep blue sea of Qui-Gon's smiling eyes.

"We have time enough, Obi-Wan," he was told. "But now I need my padawan."

Obi-Wan's forehead creased in confusion.

Qui-Gon's hand took hold of his right one and brought it down to his stomach, under the folds of cloth. Obi-Wan could feel the burned flesh under his fingertips, felt the melted tissue, the gaping wound, and fear gripped him again.

"Master, you need a Healer of the Order!"

"Shhh," Qui-Gon soothed. "I think we can do it, you and I."

The young Jedi needed a little bit help from the Force to sit up straight, but once upright, with the remains of his clothes wrapped tightly around him, he felt confidence settle. When Qui-Gon thought they could do it, they could. He was at a point where he thought there was nothing they couldn't overcome together.

The worst problem with lightsaber wounds was the tendency of the human body to go into shock immediately. Somehow Qui-Gon had managed to keep his body going. Obi-Wan had the suspicion that worrying about him had done it - there was no real fear in death for a Jedi, and if Qui-Gon hadn't had someone to live for....Obi-Wan thanked all the Fates for it.

With gentle fingers he opened the layers of fabric down to Qui-Gon's waist, exposing the ugly wound directly under his master's diaphragm. A little bit higher and Qui-Gon had been beyond any help. Icy fingers sizzled down his spine and he closed his eyes to expel the disquieting images. Cool fingers touched his cheek, giving silently comfort. He leaned for a second or two into the calloused palm and then met the concerned blue eyes.

"It's alright, really," he reassured, squeezing the fingers.

Then he bend over his task, splaying his fingers over the wound, stilling all thought, letting calm wash over himself.

"Come with me, Qui-Gon", he asked and sank deep into the Force to join there with the loving essence of his master and entwined themselves in the sorely needed healing trance.

The Force whirled benevolently around this two of its own, two who not only joined their healing powers but also created a greater whole to never be separated again.





Epilogue

Far away, in a lofty room high above the City of Coruscant, Jedi-Grandmaster Yoda sat in deep meditation. For a long time there was only stillness on his serene face, then, ever so slowly, a soft smile crept into the corners of his mouth and eyes, smoothing away the sorrow-lines of foreseen tragedy as if they never had been.

(finis)