Master Apprentice
Archive
NMA
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Qui-Gon Jinn considered himself an intelligent man. He was well educated, well trained in both the use of language and the deciphering of it. Why was it, then, that he couldn't understand the messages his teenaged padawan had sent him?
He'd been forced to leave Obi-Wan at the Temple while he cleared up a planetary dispute near the Outer Rim. It was a long, exhausting mission, and he'd been totally out of contact since it had begun. Now, back in hyperspace at last, he had begun reading through the messages Obi-Wan had sent him. There was at least one for each day he'd been gone, from the looks of it. Trouble was, the young man had apparently taken to writing in shorthand, using foreign-looking acronyms that Qui-Gon had never seen before.
"Dear Master, HRU? I know you're going to be OOCR for the next several weeks, but my day just doesn't seem complete unless I've shared things with you. TTE, I've decided to keep a journal, of sorts, and transmit it to you OADB. Then, when you're OYWH, you can CUOATG, you know? OWK"
"HRU." Qui-Gon could only assume that meant, How Are You? So far so good, Qui-Gon thought to himself. "OOCR" was in standard use. It meant Out Of Communication Range. Pleased that he was managing to decipher this strange code, he pressed on.
"TTE." Hmm. Time 'Til Eternity? That couldn't be right. To The Emptiness? No, that didn't make sense, either. Then, a little switch clicked in his brain. To That End. Okay. This was good. He looked at the next acronym.
"OADB." Surprisingly, this one didn't take that long. But, whether he was smart enough to know that "OADB" meant On A Daily Basis, or whether it was the fact that there was a message for each day he was gone, he couldn't decide.
Pleased with himself, he tackled the next one.
"OYWH" was obviously On Your Way Home. But, then, what in the Force did "CUOATG" mean?
Frustrated, Qui-Gon slumped back onto his bunk, drawing his long legs up onto the too short mattress and resting the datapad on his knees. I can do this, he told himself. Just take it in context. Well, that helped, a little at least, by giving him the first three words, which were clearly, Catch Up On. But "ATG?"
Any Thing Good? All Things Good? A slow smile spread over the master's face. No. All The Gossip. Satisfied, and feeling like he'd just won a major victory, he opened the second message, and groaned aloud.
"Hello, Master. Hope YAW. I am fine, I guess. But, TOBAL against instructors trying to work padawans to death, YKWIM? More tomorrow. OWK"
All right, Jinn, Qui-Gon told himself. You figured out the first one. This one can't be that much more difficult. He concentrated. "YAW" probably meant You Are Well. Easy enough. But, then there was "TOBAL." The Order Brandished A Lightsaber? He certainly hoped that wasn't right, not used as it was in a sentence about instructors trying to work their students to death. Take Off Backward At Lightspeed? Two Of Bant's Amphibian Legs? No, that couldn't be right. He tried again. This Old Bantha Always Lies?
He dropped his head back against the wall with a thud. Why couldn't the boy just say what he meant? After a moment of silent lamenting, he gave up and moved to the final acronym. Your King Was In Mourning? Yoda Knows Why I'm Miserable?
Qui-Gon felt his forehead break out in a light sweat, and waved a hand in the direction of the cabin's temperature controls. He set his jaw, determined to figure this one out. Young Knights Won't Intimidate Me? Yield Knowledge When It's Meaningful? Awareness dawned at last, and Qui-Gon finally got it. You Know What I Mean? Unfortunately, he didn't, since he still hadn't figured out TOBAL. Frustrated, and hopeful that the rest of the messages wouldn't be so cryptic, Qui-Gon opened the next day's offering.
"Hi, Master. Well, the BNOTD is that Bant has finally met a guy! He's an MC Knight, and NH. Bant thinks he's quite the SNAG, but if you ask me, he's just a SNERK! Oh, well! There's NAFT! OWK"
Qui-Gon closed his teeth firmly against the Huttenese curse that threatened to escape. Where did teenagers learn this stuff, anyway? Was there some class that he'd missed in comm shorthand? He drew in a deep breath and dove headfirst into this new challenge.
"BNOTD." Hmm. Well, this was another case of context assisting him. Clearly, that meant either Big News Of The Day or Bad News Of The Day. And, given Bant's species, "MC" probably meant Mon Calamarian. Qui-Gon nodded to himself. So far, so good.
"NH." Nearly Hairless? Well, that would be true for all Mon Calamarians, so it probably wasn't what Obi-Wan meant. Deciding to leave that one for the moment, he moved on to the next one.
"SNAG." Maybe this wasn't really an acronym, but his padawan's odd way of saying that Bant considered the Knight a great catch. He hoped that was the case, because the only other thing he could think of was Shiny New Amphibious Gentleman, and he doubted very much that that was what the letters meant.
The next one was even less promising. "SNERK." Shiny New Emotionally Rotting Knight?
Well, I don't really need to know that much about Bant's new boyfriend, Qui-Gon told himself. Resigned, he opened the next communique.
"Master, PYWKM? I accidentally scorched your FPSP. I'll replace them, ASA I get my allotment. BTW, WAYCH?? OWK"
Qui-Gon snagged the cooling cup of tea from the bedside table, secretly wishing it was something much stronger. "PYWKM?" wasn't really that hard to translate, since it had become one of his young padawan's favorite expressions lately. "Promise you won't kill me, Master, but I have to tell you something . . ." At this point, Qui- Gon wasn't in the mood to make such a promise. Frowning, he tackled the next acronym, wondering just what the Force the boy had destroyed this time.
"FPSP." There was a Purvian Sedge Plant on the balcony that Qui-Gon was rather fond of, but that only accounted for the last three letters. He supposed "F" could be Favorite, but how could Obi-Wan have scorched it? And, there was only one such plant, so Obi-Wan wouldn't be offering to replace 'them.' Force Plated Saber Parts? No, that made no sense. Giving up yet again, and hoping that "FPSP" wasn't something irreplaceable, he read further. "ASA" was probably As Soon As, and "BTW" meant By The Way. But, just looking at "WAYCH" made the Jedi Master's head throb painfully. Maybe it was a typo. Perhaps Obi-Wan merely want to him to watch something. Qui-Gon looked for an attached vid file. When there was none, he shook his head and moved on.
"Master, I know YPGTKM, I cannot find my LRK! Do you remember where I put it? I hope it didn't get thrown away. If it did, IIBT! OWK"
The Jedi Master sighed with relief. Either he was getting better at this, or Obi-Wan's language was becoming more decipherable. There was a second variation of his padawan's favorite phrase. You're Probably Going To Kill Me. Actually, that option was sounding better and better. Qui-Gon's sense of accomplishment was short-lived, however. Except for the familiar acronym, he was at a loss to understand the rest of the acronyms. There was no context to draw, so he brought up the next message.
"Master, CHS! OWK"
Qui-Gon nearly screamed. In sheer frustration, he began opening message after message. If the meaning was not immediately apparent, he closed it and went on to the next. One sent just that morning, however, caught his attention.
"It's me again, Master. Knight Aderra and I had lunch together. He's really into TFAOC. He may be interested in getting some ASS from me. I'll let you know if he likes it. Don't worry. I'll SYTL. GTAFN. GTR! OWK "
Qui-Gon's breath caught in his chest. He cast his datapad aside and leaped to his feet. Moments later, he was in the cockpit.
"Captain Remmus, we must drop out of hyperspace. I've got to send an urgent message to Coruscant." He stood with his fists on his hips, his feet set apart in a commanding position.
"Yes, sir," the Corellian replied, his fingers tapping a few keys. Outside the cockpit, the telltale streaks of light coalesced in stationary stars. Remmus moved to the communications unit. "Our vid transmitter is down, sir, but I can send a text message."
"Very well," Qui-Gon nodded. "To Obi-Wan Kenobi, Jedi Temple, Coruscant. From Qui-Gon Jinn, aboard the Shadowdancer. Message priority status one."
Remmus typed the address information, then nodded for the Jedi to continue.
"Obi-Wan, what the Force is going on?"
The captain transcribed the message. On the screen before them, it read, "Obi-Wan, WTFIGO?"
The End
Acronyms used in this story, in alphabetical order:
ASA - As Soon As
ASS - Alderanian Shepherd Stew
BNOTD - Big News Of The Day
BTW - By The Way
CHS - Come Home Soon
CUOATG - Catch Up On All The Gossip
FPSP - Favorite Pair of Sleep Pants
GTAFN - Guess That's All For Now
GTR - Got To Run
HRU - How Are You
IIBT - I'm In Big Trouble
LRK - Lightsaber Repair Kit
MC - Mon Calamarian
NAFT - No Accounting For Taste
NH - New Here
NMA - No More Acronyms
OADB - On A Daily Basis
OOCR - Out Of Communication Range
OWK - Obi-Wan Kenobi
OYWH - On Your Way Home
PYWKM - Promise You Won't Kill Me
SNAG - Sensative New Age Guy
SNERK - Snotty Nosed Egotistical Rotten Knight
SYTL - Save You The Leftovers
TFAOC - The Finer Art Of Cooking
TOBAL - There Oughta Be A Law
TTE - To That End
WAYCH - When Are You Coming Home
WTFIGO - What The Force Is Going On
YAW - You Are Well
YKWIM - You Know What I Mean
YPGTKM - You're Probably Going To Kill Me