Nightmares

by Beth C ( Trekie386@aol.com )

Archive: M/A- of course, others.. please ask.

Category: Point of View, Angst, Q/O

Summary: Obi-Wan must now face life alone, without his Master. Obi-Wan's POV. Pre-AOTC

Warning: Obi-Wan deals with Qui-Gon's death and his feelings about his new Padawan. Tear Jerker. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Rating: G - for Grief. A couple of Kleenex... no bad words, no smut.. all feelings and sorrow

Disclaimer : All Star Wars belongs to Mr. Lucas... all hail the man... I just play with the boys, I'll put them back when I'm done, I promise... don't sue unless you want my broken down thing called a car, it's all I own really...well that and my 12" Qui-Obi dolls, but you can't have them.. nope, no way. Those are MINE.

Feedback: You bet. Need all I can get... Don't be afraid to write, I don't bite...

I can't sleep anymore. Not since you left me. It's been a week now, but it is not getting any better. I've tried everything I can think of from meditating, to drinking herb tea from Master Yaddle's garden. Nothing helps. The minute my eyes slide shut, it begins. I see you.

I can see you as clear as a sunny day on Tatooine, the highlights in your slightly graying hair shining brightly. I can hear your deep voice call out to me, saying my name, spouting fatherly advice, or chastising me in that way you had that spoke volumes while saying so few words. Who else could make a statement like 'Peace is a legacy, one you will be proud to leave behind, Padawan,' and have a lesson encouched within?

You seem so real that I reach out to touch you, to ground myself in this reality my mind creates, and I wake up in a sweat, calling out your name. There is no reply. There never will be again. My heart pounds like a runaway podracer engine as I gasp in the cool night air. Tears trickle down my cheeks to mingle with the beads of sweat and I'm fighting back sobs.

Control. I have to stay in control, even as the rest of my life is spiraling out of control. The solid ground I had built my life upon has been yanked out from under my feet. I'm falling, falling down into the endless depths that is my grief, the place where my heart once stood is now a gash, a wound that can not heal. With each dream of you, I feel fresh pain, and what little scaring that had begun has been ripped apart and salt tossed upon it's bloody surface.

I feel lost and alone. For the first time in my life, I am alone. I've always had you there for as long as I can remember. You have guided me and taught me the lessons I needed in life. You helped me grow, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Under your careful tutelage I've become a confidant young man. I had found myself in the bond we shared. You accepted me for who I was, and loved me for it. I based my whole life around you, and your lessons. Now I've been set free, without you to anchor me to reality. Fear and self doubt begin to encroach their way into my world. For the first time I lose confidence in my own abilities.

I wipe away the tears and get up out of bed, knowing that there will be no rest for me yet again. I leave the room and step softly down the hall to check on my newest responsibility. He is sleeping, but it is not a restful slumber. He is tossing and turning in the throes of his own nightmarish dreams. I reach out and touch his mind through the tenuous link we share. Our bond is fragile, the strand as fine as spun glass and just as easy to break. Unlike the strong, sturdy bond I had shared with you. Our Master-Padawan bond was stronger than durasteel and impossible to break. Many times I had relied upon that bond for comfort or reassurance. Both are gone from my life now. I gain no comfort from this new bond and it only reassures me that I have no idea what I am doing. This should be your job, not mine.

I calm his mind and implant a Force-induced sleep suggestion. He needs his rest. This week has been as hard on him as it has been on me. I watch as his breathing smoothes out and his restless body stills. He is clutching his pillow tightly to his chest, his blankets had gotten tangled between his legs. I enter the room and straighten out the coverings, and place the pillow back beneath his head. He's falling into a deeper sleep now and can't sense me.

I leave the room once he is settled, my mind heavy with the burden you have placed on me. I still feel the boy is dangerous, but I have honored your dying wish that he be trained. Now I feel the full weight of that promise I hastily made. I would have promised you the moons of Iego if it would have prevented you from dying. I said what you wanted to hear, the words had sprung forth from my lips with no real thought behind them. My main concern was you, keeping you alive, not what I was saying. I would have agreed to be a Hutt's whore boy if it could have healed that saber wound to your chest. I was in full denial over what I was witnessing. Saying the words you needed to hear held a certain power, I almost believed it would stop the inevitable.

Even as I whispered those words to you, I felt your body relax in my arms and your breathing stop as you left me. All the power of the Force could not bring you back to me now. I held you, crushing your body to mine, as my tears began to flow. In one nightmarish minute my whole world was thrown upside-down and would never be the same again. I felt our perma-crete bond snap and for the first time in years my mind was empty. As empty as the soulless body I kept cradling. I had to reach down and close your eyes, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Those 'windows to the soul' were empty panes now. I was found hours later by palace guards still cradling and protecting what had been mine. I had to be pulled away from you and escorted to a room where I sank into a couch. I couldn't eat, or drink, or even breathe anymore. I had lost myself when you died.

I walk over to the balcony door, unlock and open it. The cool Coruscant night air rushes in and brushes against my skin and through the thin sleep-shirt I wear. I shiver slightly and desperately wish for your voice, telling me to come back inside where it is warm. I step out to the railing, knowing how much you liked to watch the stars from here. You could see them clearly on a day when the moon was not full. You loved watching stars. And visiting them as well. My mind is still on the promise I made to you, one that I'm honor-bound to follow. It's bound me now to a life that I'm not at all prepared for. In all the lessons you've taught me, you neglected the most important one of all, dealing with death. I will use the lessons you did teach me, your legacy you left behind, to train him. I just hope that it's enough to combat the fear I sense in him. The Force is strong in the 'Chosen One,' yes, but so is his fear of losing more than he already has.

The only sounds to greet me on this lonely night are the sounds of speeders and other hovering vehicles of the ever present city nightlife. People going on about their business, doing mundane things, squabbling over petty arguments, not knowing that to me, life has stopped. Why did you have to go? I can't do this without you! I can't do it alone. My thoughts are only on you as I stare at the face of the quarter moon. I can feel the tears welling up again and attempt to hold them at bay. One slips free from the hold I have over my turbulent emotions. It slides down my cheek, pausing at my chin momentarily before dropping away to fall into the darkness below.

Haunted by nightmares, unable to rest and totally exhausted from the lack of sleep, I stare into the night and wonder if anything will ever be the same again. When does the pain end and the healing begin? When does life start to matter again? Not tonight, I answer myself, then finally turn to go back inside. The only thing that matters is you, it's all that ever mattered to me. Now you are not here to share my new life with me, this burdenous undertaking called a Padawan apprentice. I feel crushed by the weight of it at times.

I drag myself back inside, successful for the moment of keeping the tears at bay. It's a small victory, marginal at best, but it is a victory nonetheless. I close and lock the door and head back to my bed. I check once more on my student, and find him at last in a peaceful sleep. Good. At least one of us will be in a good frame of mind when we face the Council tomorrow for my official Knighting ceremony. It was a day that I had looked all my life towards. The day I would become a Jedi Knight. A Master to Anakin, my own Padawan learner. Now I dread the morning and the ritual. I'd rather stay a Padawan learner forever if you would just come back to me. I can't face the ceremony without you. We had such plans for this day and the celebration afterwards. Now it's all for nothing. It doesn't really matter and no one will be celebrating anything. I'm a Jedi Knight, whoopie, big deal.

I finger my Padawan braid, knowing after tomorrow it will be cut off and placed in a box next to yours. You had kept that box for many years, its blue velvet lined interior housing your own learning braid. I found it when I had cleaned your room, it was safely nestled between the clothing in your top drawer. I treasure that box, it binds me to you in ways I can't express. Holding a piece of you as it were, keeping a tiny sliver of myself based in reality. That one little box is the only comfort I have for my tortured soul.

No, I will not cry, I tell myself for the millionth time, as I finally head back to my room. Your room. I could have put my student in here, but the place felt sacred to me. It wouldn't feel right, so I uprooted my meager belongings and brought them to this haven that speaks volumes of you. Photos of us in various stages of growth line the walls and tabletops. What little belongings you had, I've kept. I packed away your clothes, fighting tears for every tunic I folded and belt removed from the drawers. I've been unable to donate them as of yet, so I've just stored them in the closet, knowing one day I would feel sufficiently able to part with them. My eyes fall on a picture of us, in lightsaber training practice, taken by one of the Masters. I was so young then, and now I feel ancient. You looked every part the Master, your body held straight and tight, while I appeared to be the loose limbed learner. I feel those tears threaten again. I am the Master now. I must master these rampant emotions. I take a few deep breaths and strengthen my resolve not to break down again. I've cried so much in the past week, I feel there will never be an end to my tears.

Little things set me off like never before. Things that shouldn't make me cry, suddenly do. I picked up a data pad the other day and burst into tears. Over a pad. The image of you reading one had triggered it. Yet some things that I expect to make me cry, rarely do. I look at your lightsaber and expect tears to flow, but yet they don't come. That lightsaber had killed the filth of a Sith that had taken you from my life. That lightsaber I carry with me proudly. So far, the Jedi Council has not taken it from me. Good. When I'm ready I will construct another one, but for now I gain strength from using yours.

Exhausted again from fighting the sadness, I crawl back into bed and under the covers. Dawn is only hours away but I'll try once again to grab an hour or two of much needed rest. I almost wish I could use the Force on myself to get at least one night of sleep, I'm so worn out by my dreams.

Sometimes they are pleasant, but those are few and far between. Mostly they are filled with visions of our last battle on Naboo. Filled with holding you as you die in my arms. The death of someone you love, value and respect is not an easy thing. I would have sacrificed myself a million times over and continue to blame myself for becoming separated from you during the heat of the battle. I should have run faster, harder, done anything to prevent myself from being trapped behind that beam and watching you fight alone. It's that image that disturbs me the most, of you needing my help and a stupid laser stopping me.

I know in my mind, I'll eventually heal, I'm on the path now of recovery. I take a few steps every day. It's not an easy path, it's a road that's filled with conflicting desires and barricades of unending sorrow. Someday I'll look back and see how far I've come, but for now the road in front of me is much further than that behind.

I bunch up the pillow under my head and try to get comfortable. As if comfort even matters anymore. Little things like comfort are meaningless with no one to share them with. I close my eyes and concentrate on clearing my mind of anything but the thought of sleep. I calm my breathing and let my thoughts drift. I feel myself sliding down that path as my breathing steadies. I'm almost asleep now and my unconscious mind takes hold. The cycle is complete now, as the nightmares once again begin.