Master
Apprentice  Archive
'Twas the Night Before Christmas (or Account of a
Visit to the M_A Archive)
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Archive: M_A
Category: Humor/Parody, poetry
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: I am told that I should include a spew warning here.
Spoilers: Not really
Summary: The author visits the M_A archive on the night before Christmas, and visions of sugarplums dance in her head.
Feedback: yes, please, any comments welcome.
Acknowledgments: To Laz for help with scansion and one particularly trenchant insight into the bowlful of jelly.
Disclaimer: George, you can't be half as upset as Clement Clarke Moore would be. Count your blessings.
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through M_A
Not a slasher was stirring, they had naught to say;
The lonely were watching their e-mail with care,
In hopes that hot monkey sex soon would drop there;
But Obi was nestled up snug in his bed,
While visions of chocolate sauce danced in his head;
And Qui-Gon was no better, the big stupid sap
Had just settled down; was ignoring his lap.
When out on the 'net there arose such a clatter
I launched up Netscape to see what was the matter.
Away to the archive I flew like a flash,
Passed over the warnings and a stray Jedi sash!
A full moon, but no breasts, in a Velvet G. show
Reassured me most greatly on monitor's glow,
Then, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a tube full of lube and a curved luscious rear,
With a wise Jedi Master thrusting lively and quick,
I knew him the moment he grabbed Obi's dick.
More often than rabbits these Jedi they came,
I whistled and shouted and called them by name;
Now Qui-Gon, thrust harder! Now spank him and kiss him!
Now Obi, moan louder! 'Cause later you'll miss him!
On top of the table! Against the far wall!
Now fuck away! Fuck away! Fuck away all!
May 19 in the fandom arose a wild cry
That the hot Jedi Master must mount the young guy,
So straight to their keyboards the slashers they flew,
With a bunch of sex toys and some lubricant too.
And now, in a twinkling, I saw on the screen
That every male Jedi had turned to a queen,
And I licked at my lips and went looking around
At the marvelous hot Jedi sex I had found.
Yenta!Yoda* was laughing, the crazy old coot,
At the padawan's penis beneath Qui-Gon's boot;
And a bundle of toys for use on the butt-crack
Were all carried on missions inside a backpack.
Obi's eyes-- how they twinkled! His chin-dimple, how
merry!
His ass-cheeks looked like roses when Qui popped his
cherry.
And Qui's mighty penis-how big it did grow!
If he waved it at me, I'd turn white as the snow!
The root of Qui's cock Obi held 'tween his teeth
And the cum, it encircled his mouth like a wreath;
He had an imp's face and a wicked flat belly
That looked really good when smeared with K-Y jelly.
He was sexy but sweet, a right toothsome young elf,
And I drooled when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A flick of his tongue and a twist of his head
Soon got Qui-Gon off and they writhed in their bed.
He spoke not a word, but went back to his work,
And did lots more fucking; grabbed his cock with a
jerk,
Then sticking his finger inside of his ass,
He gave me a leer: "Thanks for watching us, lass!"
He waved me away, dove on Qui like a missile,
And I blinked; my alarm clock gave quite a loud
whistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere I faded from sleep,
"HAPPY SLASHING TO ALL, AND FOR THIS... THANKS A HEAP!"