Nothing Ever Goes My Way

by micehell (micehell@rodentinferno.com)

Archive: Yes, M_A
Category: Humor, AU, POV, Qui/Other Obi/Other
Rating: PG-13 for language, implied sex, drug reference
Warnings: Non-consenting situations, nothing graphic, not really meant to be serious
Spoilers: Teensy one for the Jedi Apprentice series, though really, that cat was let out of the bag long ago
Summary: Dooku reminisces with a friend about his relationship with his former apprentice and his former apprentice's apprentices.
Feedback: As you will.
Disclaimer: Never have, never will.

This was betaed by the incredibly generous Bonny Magret, who threw herself on the grenade that this story was so that her list-sibs would be spared the worst of it. However, it should be noted that I did not always listen to her. Therefore, when you're reading this and come across something that makes you wonder what moron let that mistake slip through the editing process, well, that moron would be me.

A/N: This was intended to be humorous. That it's not, well, no one ever claimed I'm a comic. That it's a little dark for humor, well, I'm in a bad mood. That it's a little strange, well, so am I.

The drug mentioned is named as it is because I hate the product. If you actually wind up caring about what Tychan looks like, there's a hint at the end.

You know, Tychan, nothing ever goes my way. I've been betrayed. Utterly betrayed. And to add salt to the wound, I've been betrayed by those who should have been the most loyal to me, my former Master and my Padawan. The only one I can really trust is you, Tychan. At least you'll always be faithful.

I know I've talked about my Padawan many times, so you know how devoted I am to him, but it's really not fair that such a beautiful young man is such a Force-awful tease. Nor do I see why I should suffer for his flaw, but, of course, I will. I guess I should have corrected his behavior when I first noticed it, but he was such a wonderful apprentice, I didn't see it as that big a fault.

Do you remember when he was 16 and all his friends were ardently declaring their love for their masters and yet he played it so cool, acting as if he was oblivious to my charms? If it hadn't been for my many successful liaisons, I might have taken offense, but, even then, I could see right through his ploy. He was trying to get my attention by being aloof and mysterious, as if someone as blunt as Qui-Gon could ever pull that off. The whole charade was so unnecessary, as I was well aware of Qui-Gon's appeal and was only waiting for him to reach a more appropriate age before I let him know. I really didn't see any harm in his game, though, and even thought that it would be a good lesson in patience for him. How wrong I was.

Then we went on that flurry of missions and before I knew it years had gone by and my sweet little Padawan, at twenty, was a man full grown - and I do mean full grown, Tychan. Such a hot morsel and well aware of it. But I had let him play games too long. When I finally talked to him about taking our relationship to a new level, he just upped the ante by playing hard to get. He actually told me he didn't think of me in that regard. The little bastard even went so far as to tell me he thought I was too old for him, as if a paltry 30 years difference is too much. I can't wait to see the time when he finds himself on the receiving end of that comment; it will be such sweet revenge.

It wouldn't have been so bad, but Qui-Gon just couldn't seem to get past the teasing. Four years have gone by, and yet he still acts as if he is uninterested in me. He ignored all my little subtle touches, the innuendo that I laced our conversations with. He even started staying out late with his friends just to make me jealous. I was beginning to wonder if he was waiting for his knighthood before he made his move, as, at twenty-four, it's only a couple of years off. You and I both know how wrong that could go. What if the council sent him on a mission right after he was knighted? The way missions go, it could be years before we ever met up again and who knows what he would look like by then. No, I knew I needed to do something about the situation before it was too late and, as I'm between relationships at the moment, I thought that now would be a good time to make my move.

I actually got my chance last night and decided to go for it. Qui-Gon was home for a change and he was looking very fetching in a pair of his old pajama pants and nothing else. Could it have been any more apparent that he wanted me, dressed as he was, Tychan? And yet, when I approached him and told him it was time to stop the games, he actually had the nerve to tell me he wasn't playing. Well, I was livid, as you can well imagine. This whole thing had gone on much too long and Qui-Gon really needed to learn that it wasn't appropriate behavior for a Jedi to lead people on and then turn them away.

Now, as I'm sure I've told you before, even those of us who have amazing amounts of sex appeal sometimes find it a slow process to win over the objects of our affections. Being a Jedi and always at the call of the Council and the Republic, it's not as if I have time to play out extended courtships. So sometimes I use a Force suggestion to speed the process up, as it were. I could succeed without it, of course, but it's really just a matter of what's expeditious. Seeing that this was definitely one of those times, I used one on Qui-Gon. Knowing how strong in the Force he is, I really put a lot into it and, as I'm no slouch in the Force department myself, it worked a charm. At first, that is.

We'd been doing some serious kissing and not a little bit of groping, and both enjoying ourselves mightily, when all of a sudden Qui-Gon pushed me away and ran out of the apartment. Ran off acting like he was afraid of me - his own master! And if that wasn't bad enough, he left me with a raging hard-on that I had to take care of myself. Definitely not how I had imagined the evening going.

The worst was yet to come, however. The little traitor ran to Yoda and told him everything. Everything, that is, except for his own extremely questionable behavior. No, he acted like he was a total innocent and I was a manipulative bastard. I finally cut to the chase after years of being played and I get accused of being manipulative. Typical.

Well, you'd have thought my own master would have defended me, at least. But, no, he gave me a lecture about how disappointed he was and that he thought some time at a retreat might help me to re-center in the Force. Which means that I'll go to some forsaken little dirt-ball planet and sit around with a group of losers talking about how we should let the Force guide us and how we should appreciate all our blessings. Pathetic. But I'll have to put on a good show or else I'll get the boot and it's much too early for that to happen. It would definitely put a crimp in all our plans.

Anyway, I feel a need to show Qui-Gon that there are consequences to playing games with me. And if in doing so I finally get to fuck him, well, so much the better.

You know, Tychan, nothing ever goes my way. And yes, before you ask, it is Qui-Gon again. I was just trying to offer him some comfort and he treated me as if I was a stranger, that aloof mask firmly in place.

It's been twenty years since he stabbed me in the back, with the help of my former master, and yet he hasn't changed at all. I don't know what I was expecting, really.

You'll remember that when I returned from my enforced vacation, I sought the little ingrate out and apologized, very prettily might I add. He accepted it very graciously, but he never once offered any apology for his part in the whole fiasco. And then he gave his Padawan braid to Yoda even though Yoda only trained him that final year and I had given nearly fifteen years of my life to him. Typical. Still, I swallowed that bitter pill with my usual aplomb and made sure we stayed on good terms, because I knew that one day Qui-Gon would get over himself and realize what he'd thrown away when he played his little tricks on me. It appears, however, that now is not that time.

You know how he's been since Xanatos left. Force, you'd have thought the two of them were lovers the way he's been moping, even though Xani left over two years ago. Qui-Gon always was a bit of a drama queen, really. Of course, I know for a fact that they weren't lovers, considering I was bedding the oh so delectable Xanatos myself.

If Qui-Gon had asked me, I could have told him that the boy would turn. Not that Qui-Gon would have asked me, I'm sure. For all Yoda's rambling on about Xani being so strong-willed that he couldn't bear to be crossed, - as if Yoda wasn't just as bad - Xani was an absolute pushover. It hardly took any Force suggestion whatsoever to get him in my bed, in spite of his strong lust for Qui-Gon. Of course, Qui-Gon lusted right back, not that the little tease would ever show it, which is why I made sure that he didn't know about his Padawan's new lover. Fucking Xani certainly wasn't worth being sent on another retreat, especially considering how bad he was in bed. If Qui-Gon had just stopped playing his games long enough to actually sleep with the boy, he'd have known that and wouldn't be pining for him now. You'd think he'd realize how much those games have cost him and regret it, but he's as stubborn as a Hutt.

But I was telling you about what happened today, wasn't I, Tychan? Well, I had gone to see Qui-Gon about that seminar he had asked me about, but when I got to his quarters he was just sitting there in the dark. Hating to see a grown man pout, I decided to try to cheer him up. Purely altruistic, I assure you. OK, perhaps I did think that I could segue Qui-Gon crying on my shoulder to Qui-Gon snuggling down for a hug. And maybe I saw that hug leading to a kiss. And a little petting, perhaps. But I certainly wasn't thinking that it would go any further than that, though Force knows the man could use a good fuck. But I digress again.

Anyway, I did actually manage to get him into a hug, and Qui-Gon had opened up a little about what was upsetting him. Xani, of course. And even though Qui-Gon was making me sick going on and on about how much Xanatos had changed over the last year of his apprenticeship, about how he'd become moody and restless, I kept my mouth shut. I tell you, Tychan, some people are so willfully blind it's amazing; seeing what they want to rather than what actually is. I started fucking Xani over a year and a half before he left and I can say for a fact that he was moody and restless the entire time. Oh, perhaps he got a little worse as time went on, but really, Tychan, he was simply not cut out to be a Jedi and Qui-Gon was just too blind to see it. However, as I said, I just let Qui-Gon talk it out, and concentrated on making him feel better.

And he felt so good, Tychan. Really, you wouldn't know he was already in his mid-forties with the shape he's in. Very few gray hairs, hardly any wrinkles and his body is just to die for. I don't think I should be held accountable for being tempted into doing more than hugging when a body such as that was sitting so close. Qui-Gon certainly thought so, however. You'd have thought I'd hit him the way he leapt away from me. He put on that serene façade of his and told me that he thanked me for listening but it was time for him to be going. I had to point out to him that we were in his apartment. I'd almost believe he was a virgin the way he gets all flustered by a little bit of groping. But I made with the nice talk, told him I was sorry if I'd made him uncomfortable, and left like the good little guest I was.

It's a dicey game that Qui-Gon's playing, Tychan. I mean, as good as he looks now, Qui-Gon is getting on up there. He can't hold on to those good looks forever and without them, no one will be willing to put up with his little ways. One day, Tychan, one day I'll stop pursuing the big tease and then he'll regret his bad behavior towards me.

Still, until he actually does lose his looks, there's no reason to give up on finally getting him. There are so many things that Qui-Gon could do for me, or, for that matter, to me, that will make up nicely for being made to wait like this.

You know, Tychan, nothing ever goes my way. For a brief time here it looked as if things were finally going in my favor, but look where we are now. I begin to believe I'm cursed. I'm sure you're wondering about what led to our current circumstances and all I can say is one thing - Qui-Gon.

It all started with a joint mission. It looked to be one of those missions that take months if not years and I'd not been very happy about it until I found out that Qui-Gon was also going. It'd been almost ten years since I last saw him and I know I told you how that ended. He was very remote after that night, playing it very close to the vest. Then he went and actually took another Padawan, something I never thought he'd do. That pretty much insured that we didn't see each other except for brief meetings now and again. From the little I saw of him, I could tell he'd put much of his grief behind him, which was good, but he'd also started to show his age, which was bad. And though I hated to throw in the towel after almost thirty years worth of foreplay, I'd pretty much resigned myself to never getting to fuck the man.

The joint mission changed that, however. I knew that months of the enforced intimacy that such missions engendered would give me plenty of time to work on getting Qui-Gon right where I wanted him; on his knees and begging to please. I'd been so happy with that thought that I'd almost missed the rest of the briefing, but I'm a Jedi Master after all, and I pulled my attention back to where it belonged.

Until Qui-Gon's Padawan walked in.

Force, and I'd thought that Qui-Gon was beautiful to behold. I'm telling you, Tychan, I forgot all about Qui-Gon the minute I saw Obi-Wan. Oh, Obi-Wan wasn't as impressive in physique as Qui-Gon, but he had the most beautiful eyes, a darling cleft on his chin, and about the most perfect ass I have ever seen. Watching him walk was like watching sex walk. By the time I'd gotten myself under control, the briefing was over and Qui-Gon was asking me if I was all right. I assured him I was and then set out to introduce yet another of Qui-Gon's Padawans to the pleasures that I could show them.

How was I supposed to know that Obi-Wan was an even a bigger tease than Qui-Gon. Oh, he answered whatever questions I posed to him, but he wouldn't volunteer anything, content with making me work to get a response out of him. I let it go then, thinking that I had plenty of time to work my charms.

Six months passed, the mission was wrapping up and yet Obi-Wan kept on playing hard to get. You can understand, Tychan, why I felt compelled to speed the process up a bit. Which should have been no big deal, it had worked well with Xanatos, after all, but it turns out that Obi-Wan is much more resistant to Force suggestion than Xanatos had been. Sith, it turns out that Obi-Wan is much more resistant to Force suggestion than Qui-Gon had been. After I'd put the suggestion to him, he was dazed and willing, but the second I kissed him, he'd started struggling.

Then Obi-Wan said that Qui-Gon had warned him about me. Warned him, can you believe it! Now, I've never been a violent or a vindictive person by any means, Tychan, but no one could have expected me to have just let Obi-Wan go; after all, if he had told his master what had happened, Qui-Gon would have been sure to have me expelled from the Order and you know how much trouble that would have caused. But, seeing that a Force suggestion wasn't going to retrieve the situation, I was forced to use something a little more potent.

I had a little Ensure on hand, don't ask me why, and you know how malleable that makes Force-sensitives. OK, it's very addictive and repeated usage can be debilitating, even deadly, but it was only going to be that one time, just to make sure that Obi-Wan didn't tell Qui-Gon about what had happened. If he hadn't struggled so much when I was trying to give it to him, there would have been no need to restrain him and if I hadn't had to restrain him, he wouldn't have looked so tempting. Well, he probably still would have looked tempting, I don't think it's possible for him not to look that way, but still, I might have resisted the temptation if he hadn't been laying there looking like a gift just waiting to be unwrapped. And frankly, the way Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon had been playing me, I really did deserve a gift from them. And it's not as if he minded anything I did to him after the Ensure took hold, anyway.

Everything should have gone perfectly fine from there, since Obi-Wan didn't remember anything about the evening except for what I told him to remember. Oh, Qui-Gon bitched about my having sex with his Padawan, but Obi-Wan was of legal age and had been perfectly willing, after all was said and done. At least as far as Qui-Gon knew, anyway. The only problem was that, unlike Xanatos, Obi-Wan was an absolute joy to fuck. His mouth alone could have brought a stone off, and his ass was the tightest I've ever known. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find out he'd been a virgin that first time. And that first time was just too good not to have a second. And a third. You see the pattern, I'm sure, Tychan.

And again, things might have been OK, if it hadn't been for the fact that the Ensure was taking its toll on Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon became very concerned when Obi-Wan started looking sick and he told his Padawan to sit out the rest of the negotiations. Really, I should have stopped things there, knowing that Qui-Gon was already suspicious. But the sex was so good, as was the fact that Qui-Gon was writhing in jealousy over my fucking his Padawan while he had to just sit back and take it. Oh, the revenge was sweet, Tychan, very sweet indeed. But then Qui-Gon went and called Yoda, telling him he thought I was using the Force to make Obi-Wan sleep with me. Typical. As if his Padawan couldn't possible want me if I didn't use a Force suggestion. But, of course, Yoda didn't think of that either; he just sent a healer out to look Obi-Wan over. And the healer figured out about the Ensure. Which led, as I'd predicted, to my being booted out of the Order.

Not that I wanted to be a Jedi, anyway, the complacent bastards, but my Master had ordered me to stay with them as long as I could, since he wanted a spy on the inside. As if he didn't have others in the Order who were working for him. But Sidious just flew into a rage and blamed me for everything. He's as much of a drama queen as Qui-Gon. He then told me he had an assignment that would be sure to keep me out of trouble, since he didn't think that even I could find anything out here to fuck. And seeing as here I am on Hoth, and tauntauns are really not my thing, it appears he's right.

Thank the Force I have you, Tychan. You've never once played any head games with me, nor stabbed me in the back. Or sent me to Sith-begotten planets. Over the years, your fur might have gotten a little thin and your stuffing does have a tendency to clump, but you're still the best friend I've ever had.

is, of course, short for Kitty-chan, and is sort of an homage to Ruth and Hilary's BNF stories.