Summary: With a title like that, I really don't think it needs
one.
Disclaimer: Thank you, George Lucas, for creating STAR WARS. I
live in awe. No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes: Many thanks to Layna, who made the hilarious comment
about Remedial Mastering and "A Padawan you have, not a pet
rock"; and also to alia, who then came up with the brilliant
title of this piece.
I don't think it's quite what either of you had in mind...but
it works for me. And that "rock" line was too good to
pass up.
Qui-Gon looked down at the data-pad in front of him and
scowled. All around the room, expectant eyes were on him as
they awaited his next words. Yoda in particular was tapping the
floor anxiously with his stick, and Qui-Gon was positive there
would be a sadistic smile on the green gnome's face. He didn't
know how Yoda had quite dragged him into this - he suspected a
mind-whammy of sorts but one could never be too sure.
"Read it, you will!" Yoda all but barked. Heaving a huge sigh,
to show how much he was suffering and perhaps elicit some
sympathy from the other Jedi Masters who'd obviously also been
conned into this, Qui-Gon again scanned the words. He then
looked up at the group. He opened his mouth and began to speak.
"My name is Master Qui-Gon Jinn and I treat my Padawan like a
rock."
There was a snort. He was sure he heard a snort. But
every face was impassive, or perhaps there was a trace of a
grin on Yoda's face, or maybe he was just yawning. It was hard
to tell. And after that initial noise, there was nothing but a
vast silence as everyone else just stared at him for a
moment. Maybe they hadn't heard him. But there was no way he
was going to utter that particular sentence again.
Qui-Gon glowered at Yoda, wondering just what he'd done to get
himself dragged into a meeting of Masters Anonymous. He hadn't
even known such a group existed, supposedly, it was a group for
Jedi who were having trouble with their apprentices. Which
definitely meant that Qui-Gon didn't belong there. Obi-Wan was
a fine boy who followed his every direction and rarely got in
the way. In his yearly report Qui-Gon had said almost exactly
that, also commenting that Obi-Wan was progressing well in
every field and would be a great Jedi Knight someday.
And for some reason, his report had caused Yoda to believe that
it warranted his attendance at a meeting of Masters Anonymous.
Looking around the room, Qui-Gon knew more than ever that he
didn't belong here. There was Master Mani whose apprentice had
Sithly tendencies, as evidenced by the recent penchant for red
and black tattoos the padawan had garnered. Not to mention the
snarls she gave to everyone. Yes, Qui-Gon decided, Master Mani
had many troubles.
And Master Inka, a delicate, fairy-like being a mere ten inches
tall, had an apprentice who was a three-hundred pound, hairy
Swamprie with poor vision. As a result, he kept sitting on poor
Master Inka.
Qui-Gon didn't even want to think about Master Lasador's
padawan, Misty, who followed Lasador around with moony puppy
eyes and constant declarations of love, which Lasador did not
return.
Glancing at the other Masters, Qui-Gon could tell at a glance
that their padawans were trouble. Whereas his padawan, his
Obi-Wan, was the perfect apprentice.
So why was he here? And why had Yoda made him introduce himself
by saying he treated his padawan like a rock? He didn't! He had
no reason too, either.
"Qui-Gon! Your attention we require!" snapped Yoda, obviously
enjoying his role as Master-counsellor. "Master Anlashok was
telling us how he accidentally left his padawan behind on
Endor."
"You forgot your padawan?" Qui-Gon burst out incredulously.
"How could you do such an irresponsible-" He was suddenly
silenced by several angry glares from around the room.
"We are here to support each other, not judge," Master Inka
said prissily. She arrogantly tossed her hair behind her
shoulder and said, "Anlashok, I understand. I have been tempted
to leave my own padawan behind upon occasion, or sneak away
when he's not looking. But we must remember that the Force has
brought us together and so we are bound by its wishes." She
smiled warmly. "I'm sure your padawan has forgiven you. You are
loved."
"You are right, my friend," Anlashok agreed, wiping a tear from
his hairy face. "Aw, you all mean so much to me!"
"Group hug!" suddenly burst out Yoda and he waddled forward,
his arms extended. Qui-Gon watched in near amazement as all of
the revered masters bar himself conglomerated into a writhing
mass of arms, legs and tails. More tears were shed. Qui-Gon
knew he had to get out, and had to get out now. He began
surreptitiously backing away to the door when a stick hooked
him around the foot and a mind-whammy pushed him off balance.
"Oh, Master Qui-Gon, did you fall over?" someone simpered and
before he knew what was happening, he was being pulled into the
group hug as well. It was not pleasant.
A good ten minutes later, Anlashok finally found the strength
to let everyone go and they returned to their seats. Qui-Gon
straightened his robes as best he could, trying to regain his
dignity, but it was a little hard with a large wet patch on his
shoulder caused by a blubbering Wookiee. He had to get
away from there.
"It is someone else's turn to share. Qui-Gon! Tell us about
your apprentice!"
Qui-Gon was sure Yoda was giggling. His former master still
enjoyed humiliating his apprentice, mercilessly teasing him
that he was too proper and staid.
"Obi-Wan Kenobi is a good student, very bright, very talented,"
Qui-Gon said. "And I do not treat him like a rock." He
expected sympathetic nods but received none.
"Yoda sees into the heart," said Anlashok. "The words he has
given you must be true."
"My first words were true," chimed in Inka. "I remember my
first words to this very day." She took a deep breath and
thrust back her tiny shoulders. "My name is Master Inka and I
have a padawan who sits on me."
Qui-Gon just stared at her. "Well, of course that's true!
That's why you're here, to learn to deal with your problems!"
"And you are here to deal with the fact that you ignore your
padawan's abilities," Anlashok said slowly.
"I do not."
"Do too, you do." That was Yoda, gleefully jumping into the
conversation.
"I do not," Qui-Gon repeated, gritting his teeth and
feeling as if he were in the school playground again. He shot a
longing glance at the exit.
"Enough of this," Yoda suddenly decided. "Move on to the next
part of our therapy session, we shall."
Qui-Gon suppressed a groan. The next part? They'd already been
through introductions, and sharing, and the interminable group
hug. What possible other torture could Yoda have devised?
He suddenly noticed that papers and pencils were being
Force-propelled to each person. Paper? It was rarely used,
except for artwork. Art. Now that was something Qui-Gon
was comfortable with. Although he had little opportunity to
practice, he knew he drew quite well.
"Draw a picture of your apprentices you each shall, to focus on
your frustration with them."
A chorus of approving voices was heard. Qui-Gon plucked a
charcoal pencil from the air and spread the sheet of paper out
in front of him on the floor. He quickly knelt down next to it,
noticing other masters were doing much the same thing.
A broad stroke here, a few lines there, and Qui-Gon found that
he was quite enjoying himself. He'd never had reason to draw
Obi-Wan before and now appreciated how beautiful the boy was.
The laughing eyes, the irrepressible smile, right down to the
cute little cleft in his chin. Qui-Gon hummed idly as he drew,
wanting to get his picture of Obi-Wan just right. He
chose a fairly typical pose, Obi-Wan standing meekly and
awaiting his next instruction. The picture would prove to Yoda
and to everyone that he didn't have a problem with Obi-Wan, nor
did Obi-Wan have a problem with him. They were the perfect
pair. Another line here, colouring in the robe, and Qui-Gon was
quite lost in his own world until he heard someone clearing
their throat right in his ear.
"Ahem," Yoda coughed.
"Yes?" Qui-Gon replied, still distracted as he attempted to get
Obi-Wan's cute spiky hair just right.
"Quite finished, are you?"
Now Qui-Gon looked up, and was surprised to see every other
Jedi Master sitting primly in his or her chair, obviously
having completed their drawings quite some time ago. Master
Mani even had the audacity to be drumming his fingers in a
not-so-friendly manner.
"I am done," Qui-Gon granted, crawling off the floor and into
his chair.
"Then share our pictures, we shall."
Firstly came Master Inka's, and instead of the hairy beast
Qui-Gon expected to see, the picture depicted a lost-looking
teddy-bear.
"Well done, Inka!" congratulated several Masters and she smiled
demurely.
"This shows how much you have all helped me to realise that my
padawan is a loving child at heart," she said. She then shot a
look, almost a challenge, at Qui-Gon which seemed to say, "Beat
that!" Qui-Gon returned the feral grin, knowing his own picture
was far superior. And at least he had a good-looking
padawan with nice teeth. Funny how Inka had left the ugly fangs
out of her drawing.
"Master Mani?"
Now this was a picture to look at. A padawan standing
proud and tall on the edge of a volcano, fire spewing into the
sky. Mani had used a wonderful combination of reds and yellows
and oranges and the person was no more than a black and red
silhouette. Qui-Gon began to applaud just before he heard Yoda
sigh and send a none- too-gentle poke into Qui-Gon's side. He
almost yelped in surprise.
"Much fear you have in you," Yoda counselled.
Qui-Gon decided to be quiet from now on, although he was
severely tempted to laugh when Master Anlashok presented a
blank piece of paper, claiming he'd forgotten what his padawan
looked like. Now there was a master with problems.
Managing to block out the now tedious and repetitive wishes of
support, Qui-Gon checked over his own picture again. Yes, it
was perfect, the very image of Obi-Wan.
And it was his turn. Like a proud father, Qui-Gon held up the
picture and gestured grandly. "This is my apprentice," he said,
unnecessarily, positive that everyone had seen Obi-Wan
sauntering around the temple and would immediately recognise
the picture.
But blank looks met him.
"Who is that?" Master Inka was the first to speak, and then she
shot a worried look at Yoda. "Master Yoda, I do not understand.
Why has Qui-Gon drawn a different person? Does he wish for a
new apprentice?"
"What?" Qui-Gon replied, trying not to be outraged (because
that was the way to the dark side) but it was getting
very hard to quash those tendencies given the present
company.
Yoda sighed, a long weary sigh, which made Qui-Gon even more
afraid. "Qui-Gon, why drawn a boy have you?"
"I have drawn Obi-Wan as he is!" Qui-Gon protested, scanning
the picture again. He was sure it was right.
"No, you've drawn a fourteen year old boy."
"Qui-Gon, your padawan is twenty years old!" burst out Inka.
"Yes, I know that," Qui-Gon said wearily. Why were these
people telling him things he already knew?
Yoda was still shaking his head, and chuckling softly. "Know
what the problem is now, I do," he said.
"Oh, so I don't treat him like a rock after all?"
Mocking, his tone was definitely mocking, but at that time
Qui-Gon didn't care.
"Yes, treat him like a rock you do. So much so that you never
look at him!" Yoda seemed positively delighted at the
revelation, perhaps he thought that by determining the problem
it would be a simple matter to fix it after all.
"I look at Obi-Wan!" Qui-Gon protested.
"Qui-Gon," and it was another of those long, suffering sighs.
"Given Obi-Wan the same yearly report for the last six
years, you have!" burst out Yoda.
"He's consistent," Qui-Gon quickly countered.
"No, you think he's a rock," Inka said vindictively. Nods of
support greeted her statement. "You must learn to open your
eyes, Qui-Gon," she continued, a warm smile on her face. It
reminded Qui-Gon of a snake ready to strike. "If you would just
open your heart and mind, we can help you."
He did not want to be helped by these people. The glower
from his stormy eyes said as much.
"More than this, you need," Yoda finally relented. "You may go,
Qui-Gon."
At last. He was free. Qui-Gon quickly got to his feet and bowed
low, not before securely tucking the picture into his robe. He
would compare it against Obi-Wan later and then they'd see who
was right.
And just as Qui-Gon was walking out the door, Yoda threw one
last comment at him. "Expect you tomorrow, I shall. You and
your padawan."
"What?"
"My place. After the noon meal."
One last smile crept across Yoda's face. "Therapy session we
shall have."
Qui-Gon could only throw his hands up in disgust as he left
Masters Anonymous once and for all.
End.
Feedback most welcome! I haven't attempted anything remotely
funny in quite a while so I'd love to know if it worked.
And yes, a sequel entitled "Therapy Session" is in the works...
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