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Archive: Yes to M/A and my site (Till Human Voices Wake Us)

Rating: PG-13

Category: Humor/Parody

Summary: Forget Mace Windu. Have you noticed that when Ki-Adi Mundi shows up, it's *never* good?

Disclaimer: George Lucas. Not me. I swear.

"So we've agreed. Salads first, and then the little meaty hors d'oeuvres?"

"Like a plan, that sounds."

"Delicious."

Mace Windu closed the planner on his lap with a satisfying *thump*, then remembered that it was an electronic device and opened it sheepishly to make sure he hadn't cracked the LCD. Fortunately none of his fellow Council members were paying attention.

"*I'm* not particularly in favor of hors d'oeuvres, though," grumped a familiar voice to Mace's left. "Why can't we just have a good solid main course?"

Suppressing a groan, Mace turned to look at Ki-Adi Mundi. "Because we have approximately forty different species at the Temple, Ki, and there is no way under the stars all of those gastrointestinal tracts will be able to handle one main course at the banquet. Just think of the Bothans--no, on second thought, don't," he added hastily, but he was too late. Everybody else was already shuddering.

"Next on the agenda, what is?" inquired little Yaddle from her seat.

"Well, we have a fifteen-minute recess, and then Jinn and Kenobi are due to report in," Mace replied with relief, checking his planner. There was Yaddle's compassion, at work again.

"Good!" Yoda said, thumping his gimmer stick on the floor. "A break I could use. Sore my ass is."

"Mine too," commented Adi Gallia wickedly, and rose from her chair with one sinuous movement, a flirtatious eye fixated on Mace. The senior Council member swallowed hard, but was diverted by a quick hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Mundi's concerned face.

Mace immediately supressed a completely irrational urge to scream, "Consume mass quantities!!"

"Yes?" he asked, trying to sound solicitous, but deciding that if Mundi bitched one more time about the banquet he would kick him around the Temple, Code or not.

Mundi surprised him. "Excuse me, did you say Jinn and Kenobi are due to come in next?"

"That's right."

A smile of delighted satisfaction arranged itself on Mundi's face and in his eyes. "That's what I thought," he said. "May I take you aside for a moment?"

Mace looked around the small Council chamber, where everybody had already settled into little mingle-cliques, except for Saesee Tiin, who just sat in his chair and looked awkward. "Aside *where?*"

"Never mind. Listen, I'm concerned about those two."

"Who--Jinn and Kenobi?" Mundi nodded. "Whatever for?"

"Have you *watched* them lately?" Ki-Adi hissed, his eyes narrowing. "The way they behave around each other. The way they're always touching each other--nary a second goes by when Jinn doesn't find some reason to clap a fatherly hand on one of those slender shoulders--"

Mace was busy trying to keep his eyebrows on his forehead when he heard a familiar, cranky voice at knee level. "Discussing interesting things without me, you are!"

"I apologize, Master Yoda." Mundi bowed to the little troll. "I was merely expressing concern about Qui-Gon Jinn's relationship with his young apprentice."

"Obi-Wan is eighteen," Mace pointed out.

"Twenty-four," Yoda corrected.

"Huh?"

"Some confusion there always is, yes--either eighteen or twenty-four, people think Obi-Wan is. But pretty sure I am that twenty-four is right."

"Whatever," Ki-Adi interrupted. "The point is, I think there's something skanky going on here. Something is rotten in Coruscant."

"I *did* have a bath this morning," offered Saesee hopefully, but only slumped despondantly back in his chair when everybody ignored him and turned back to their groups.

"Why say you this?" Yoda inquired.

"Well, you know that lascivious way Jinn has of always grabbing Obi-Wan by the...*shoulder*," Mace said sarcastically, on the verge of losing patience in a most un-Jedi-like way. "I mean, if a shoulder pat doesn't scream 'sexual tension,' I don't know what does."

Ki-Adi Mundi sniffed disdainfully. "I should have suspected you'd want to turn a blind eye. But I can't ignore it."

Yoda nodded sadly. "Against the rules, it is, for a Padwan to be doing the nasty with his Master."

Mace wrinkled his brow. "*I* thought we allowed it as long as training didn't suffer and it was consensual and we're allowed to poke our noses in whenever we want."

"Wrong," Saesee pointed out, still in his seat. "Remember? We have to train them how to have sex as soon as they start having wet dreams!"

There was a dead silence in the room as everybody finally turned to look at him.

"Having a long talk with your former Padawan, I will be," Yoda muttered.

"I'm squicked," agreed Depa Billaba, and everybody moved a little farther away from Saesee, who started to sob quietly.

"It isn't fair," Mundi continued. "Jinn is Obi-Wan's Master. Who's to say the boy is truly consenting? Who's to say he even knows what his other options *are?*"

"Other options. And those would be...?" Mace invited, arching one eyebrow.

The wrinkled Conehead began to shift from one foot to the other. "Well. You know. Um, just anyone who might be interested deserves a *chance*, that's all. Besides, my amazing binary brain allows me to see much danger in this pairing," he added more confidently.

"Put a sock in it you will," Yoda replied snidely. "Suppose I do that your little midi-chlorians feed this information to your wondrous brain?"

"You're just mad that I discovered the key to the Force," Mundi huffed.

"Many keys to the Force there are. None of them a stupid cell part is."

"We're getting off subject," Mundi began, when Mace quickly broke in and announced to the room in general that it was time to reconvene. The Council took their seats again and Yaddle, with more of her compassion, thumped the wretched Saesee heartily on the back.

"Pathetic you are, but a Jedi too, so we must let you hang around," she said comfortingly.

Mace opened his little electronic planner again. Damn, but he loved this thing. He looked up and caught Master Gallia winking at him again, and surreptitiously made a note in his planner to ask her out to dinner sometime. "Next on the agenda, Jinn and Kenobi. Could someone call them in, please?" Seeing Mundi open his mouth, he added hastily, "Depa, if you would please? You're so near the door and all."

Depa rolled her eyes and muttered something about *Didn't take this damn position in this damn sexist organization to be a damn receptionist* which everyone politically ignored while she opened the door. "Come in," she said dryly to the Jedi waiting outside. "Could I get you any coffee or buttermints?"

"No, thank you," Qui-Gon said placidly, while Obi-Wan just looked at her, mystified, before slinking his sexy little ass through the door. Ki-Adi drooled.

"Want a mission briefing, we do," Yoda said immediately. Mace pouted. As head of the Council, that was *his* job.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan bowed, and Qui-Gon immediately launched, in his best emotionless-stoic-Jedi-Master voice, into the mission report. Mace found himself tuning out about four minutes into it, as he always did. A tiny Force tweak caught his attention suddenly. Adi. He sent a little tweak back, but in a far more personal region. A faint squeal made its way through the Force and Obi-Wan twitched slightly, but nobody else seemed to notice.

"...seemed quite friendly at the opening talks..."

What was Mundi's problem, anyway? Mace darted a quick glance over at the other Council member, who seemed to be staring transfixed at Obi-Wan. Well, it certainly seemed obvious, but with that stupid tall brain one could never be sure.

"...Wan shrewdly complimented the Queen on her necklace..."

The Cerean with the Human. An image Mace didn't care to contemplate. Ewww.

"...and they offered to wrestle us in Jell-O to show their gratitude, but naturally as Jedi we..."

Jell-O? Oh great, now he had a picture of Mundi and Kenobi together in Jell-O. He should get very, very drunk after this meeting in order to erase the image as soon as possible. Or, and here was a thought, he could replace it with a more pleasant one. Ooh, yeah, Adi in Jell-O. Tweak.

"...happy to say that all was concluded in a satisfactory manner." Qui-Gon folded his arms, looking placid to the point of coma, and waited for commentary.

A faint snore sounded from across the room, and Eeth Koth quickly whacked Yarael Poof on the arm to wake him up before Jinn figured out who it was. Yarael's absurdly long neck swayed a minute in confused agitation before he figured out where he was, and then he pretended to contemplate his fingernails.

Mace cleared his throat quickly, seeing that Qui-Gon had started to look suspicious. "Excellent, Master Jinn, Padawan Kenobi. Another mission most satisfactorily concluded. Now, for the roster, we have nothing new for you yet, so you should be able to attend the banquet this evening. Eight o'clock sharp." He beamed at them. Qui-Gon smiled, calmly, while Obi-Wan seemed to do his best to hide an oh-gods-NO expression.

"We will be delighted to attend," Jinn murmured. "If that is all, honored members?"

Mace gestured regally. He loved doing that. "That will be all, Master Jinn." Ooh, his voice had sounded especially deep that time. He couldn't help sneaking a look over at Adi, and she seemed *very* impressed.

"One moment," a voice interrupted, and Mace nearly spoiled his manly effect by wincing. Mundi. Dammit. He'd forgotten. "There is an issue I'd like to bring up," Ki-Adi continued, his gleaming eyes never leaving Obi-Wan's slender (yet, it must be pointed out, well-muscled) form. "Master Jinn, some of us on the Council have had questions about your apprentice."

"Who has?" Qui-Gon asked.

Mundi blinked and glanced around briefly. Everyone else looked bewildered. "I'd rather not say," he replied hastily. "But, well, *I* certainly have. Obi-Wan, kindly step forward."

Mystified again, Obi-Wan glanced at his teacher for permission, who nodded. Then he stepped towards Mundi, who gave a little shiver. "Remove your cloak and turn around," the Cerean ordered. Obi-Wan obeyed. "Very nice. Yes, thank you...put the cloak back on, you are done."

Qui-Gon now appeared as puzzled as his padawan, though in a more serene sort of way. "Do you question my apprentice's sense of balance, Councilor Mundi?"

"Hm? Oh, no. That was just for fun. No, what I'm questioning is your relationship to him."

Obi-Wan paled briefly, but Qui-Gon appeared to take this in stride. Not that this was a huge alteration from his normal behavior or anything. "I see. How so?"

"You're fucking him," Mundi said bluntly.

Obi-Wan squeaked in indignant protest, his adorable little cheekbones turning red. Qui-Gon, still preternaturally calm, merely pursed his lips. "Well..."

"You are!" Mundi cried in triumph. "You are you are you are. I knew it! Hah!"

"Qui-Gon!" Yoda gasped sorrowfully. "Expect this of you I did not." Then he cast a glance at the scrumptious young man next to the Jedi Master. "Well, maybe expected it a little I did."

"Mmm, baby," agreed Eeth Koth appreciatively. "*Get* you some of that padawan's ass while it's hot!"

While Obi-Wan attempted to bury himself under the hem of his Master's robe, Qui-Gon asked, "Am I to assume there would be a problem with our pursuing a physical relationship?"

"'Would?'" Mace asked, eyes narrowing at the word.

"Well, yes. We have not actually consummated our love yet. Obi-Wan, please stop sitting on my boot and get out from under there."

"I am never coming out again," came a muffled voice from beneath the dark brown robe. "The Council want to fuck me."

"*I* don't," Yarael said helpfully.

"Um. Actually, we're not sure if there would be a problem or not," Mace said, attempting to get a handle on the situation. "There seems to have been some...confusion about the rules on this subject." He couldn't help a quick glance at Saesee, who noticed and began to sing "Somebody To Love" sadly under his breath.

"Then why are you bringing this up?" Qui-Gon asked.

"Because you're monopolizing him!" Ki-Adi exploded. "I mean, you're *manipulating* him! You're his Master and you're responsible for his welfare--how do we know you aren't forcing him into this?"

Obi-Wan's head finally popped out from under the voluminous robe. "My Master would never dream of such a thing! *Trust* me," he added rather sulkily. The pout looked so fetching on him that Mundi was momentarily stunned into silence. While Qui-Gon's expression did not change, just like always, he *did* seem to have a slightly more indulgent cast to his shoulders as he looked down on his petulant padawan.

"So the relationship is fully consensual, Padawan Kenobi?" Adi asked. She glanced at Mace and continued, in a smokey voice, "It's so important that these matters be con...sensual."

Mace occupied himself with not drooling on his boots while Yoda added, "Correct is Councillor Gallia. Obi-Wan, fear not reprisals. Fully willing, you are, to give your Master nookie?"

Obi-Wan blushed again, but nodded enthusiastically. "Oh, yes. The sooner the better," he added a little grumpily, frowning up at his Master and still partially hidden under the cloak.

"Patience in all things, Padawan," Qui-Gon said serenly.

"All the same," Ki-Adi interrupted with a thunderous frown, "I think a monogamous relationship would hardly be in Obi-Wan's best interests."

Yaddle spoke up now. "What mean you, monogamous?"

"I mean," Ki-Adi continued, the gleam in his eye returning as Obi-Wan emerged fully from the cloak, "that, while it's all very well for this delicious--this delightful young man to cater to his Master in this way, he should be free to pursue other avenues as he should so, ah, wish." The Cerean Councilor was panting slightly at the end of his sentence, as Obi-Wan had bent over to adjust his boot.

Then Obi-Wan straightened up again. "Oh, no, Knight Mundi," he said ingenuously. "I don't want anybody but my Master." Huge sorta-green-gray-blue eyes, framed by lashes that were alternately gold and black, but always managed to cast pretty shadows on his cheeks, peered endearingly up at his handsome Master. "I hope to form a lifebond with him someday," he said softly.

"You do? Oh, Obi-Wan..."

"I wanted it to be a surprise, Master..."

"The boy is too young to know his own mind on the subject," Ki-Adi said irritably.

Obi-Wan was indignant again. "Too young? I'm eighteen!"

"Hah!" Mace snapped, slapping Yoda's shoulder.

Now Qui-Gon looked confused. "I thought you were twenty-four. After all, we only have two years of bliss left before TPM wipes me the hell out of the Lucas Universe forever."

"What?"

"Never mind. Are you *sure* you're eighteen?"

Obi-Wan shook his head. "Not anymore. But I *am* legal! I have to be legal or I'll squick everybody and her grandmother."

"Not everybody," leered Eeth Koth. Obi-Wan ducked back under the robe.

"Anyway," he said, his voice muffled again, "I don't want to screw anybody but my Master. So there."

Ki-Adi stared aghast at Qui-Gon. "You must be joking!" He gestured wildly up and down at the Jedi-Master's tall, if impenetrably calm, figure. "He looks like he'd have all the sexual response of a dead Tauntaun!"

Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow but otherwise did not move.

Obi-Wan poked his head out again. "I love him."

"You what?" Now Mundi was completely flabbergasted, and it was starting to show. "You love this...this...walking PERSONALITY disorder?!"

Qui-Gon raised the other eyebrow.

"My Master has a wonderful personality," Obi-Wan said staunchly.

"For a corpse, sure!"

"Pointless this is," Yaddle said irritably. "Agreed, we are, that this should be a private matter between Master Jinn and his Padawan?"

"*I* am most certainly no--" Ki-Adi began, but was forced to finish with a yelp as Yoda whacked the hell out of his shin with the gimmer stick.

"Agreed, yes," Yoda said peaceably. "Sorry that so much confusion this has caused."

"No problem, certainly," Qui-Gon said, his eyes never leaving the wincing Ki-Adi.

"And your friends, baby...they treat you like a guest..." drifted sorrowfully over from the general direction of Saesee Tiin.

"Right," said Eeth Koth. "Off you go then. Have a good time," punctuated by another leer at Obi-Wan, who managed to stay in the open air this time, though with obvious effort.

"Congratulations, Qui-Gon," Adi said cheerfully to her old friend.

"Yes, congratulations," various other members chimed in.

"You shit," muttered Mundi.

Qui-Gon looped a fatherly arm over Obi-Wan's shivering shoulders, and with one last glance at Ki-Adi, they left the Council chamber.

"Well," Mace said dryly as he turned to glare at Mundi. "I must say, you made quite the spectacle out of yourself."

"I still say you're ignoring a larger problem!"

Yoda shook his head. "Unbalanced you are, Councilor Mundi. Counseling, you need. Send you to a soulhealer, we will. Have too many of the damn creatures around anyway, we do."

"I don't want to see a soulhealer!" Ki-Adi cried defiantly. "I'm a Jedi Council member! I can take care of my own problems!"

"Yes, you've certainly proved that," Yarael Poof said snidely. "I say the sooner he gets professional help, the better."

Yoda nodded sagely. "Send you to my close friend Ka-Savi Bai't, I will. Help you he can."

"Oh, bugger the lot of you," Ki-Adi mumbled, but rose from his chair all the same. "But you're making a huge mistake about the two of them. I just know it..."

Yoda waved his hand irritably. "Yes, yes. Know your opinions we do. Know also that you want to boink young Kenobi like a bunny we do. So...off you go to Master Bai't now?"

"Count on it," snapped Ki-Adi Mundi, and stalked out of the room.

Fin.