Mother Night

by Nightsister (sop2nd@yahoo.com)

Archive: M/A

Category: AU, Non Q/O (Q/X)

Rating: R, for language

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are the property of Lucasfilm. The author makes no money from this.

Summary: A prequel to The Returning Chamber - Qui-Gon tells

Feedback: sop2nd@yahoo.com

Notes: Read "And You Are" first. And oh yes, this fic is entirely majilique's fault. She suggested, I delivered.

Thanks to: majilique for the original beta, and co-conspirator Comtesse for her patience and editing abilities. All errors are mine.

Warning: Xanatos is four months shy of eighteen.

Qui-Gon Jinn had always found a kind of solace in the Force; it sustained him during times of stress, fear, and uncertainty -- more times, in fact, than he cared to admit.

So, when he needed clearer answers, he always headed to his favorite meditation spot, a small, verdant cul-de-sac near the swimming pools. The laughter of children and adults alike always comforted him, and Qui-Gon sank into meditation quickly.

It wasn't a matter of deciding whether or not he was in love -- once he'd admitted his true feelings, they'd felt natural, and ancient. He was meant to love Xanatos. He always had.

So now, what to do about it? Qui-Gon was already in a committed relationship; he'd spent three years wooing and winning Tahl for himself. Part of him truly loved her. Part of him still did.

But in the end, it was only a small part.

The Force told him this much. Xanatos felt right -- Qui-Gon could now clearly see a future with his younger padrin.

Sighing, Qui-Gon slowly rose to his feet. He knew what he had to do.

He'd known all along.

"I'm in love with someone else," Qui-Gon said.

Tahl laughed. "Who is she?! Sith, am I such a blind fool that I couldn't see this coming? WHO IS SHE?!"

Qui-Gon paused, dreading her reaction. "My padrin."

Tahl laughed, unable, or unwilling, to understand. She laughed so hard, she started crying, and that's when her fury hit. "Are you serious?! XANI?! No -- you can't be serious. He's a child. That's illegal! That's against the Code, Qui-Gon! Do you want to be thrown out of the Order? You're out of your mind!"

She suddenly halted her tirade to give him a look of suspicious concern. She reached out to touch him, but he flinched.

"My mental acuity is intact," he snapped. "And Xanatos is not a child. He'll be eighteen in less than six months, and he'll be taking the Trial soon after." He took a deep breath. "And his name is Xanatos," he added. "He hates being called 'Xani.' He has for years."

Tahl gave a bitter laugh. "Great, tell me this now," she said. "You call him 'Xani' all the time-" she stopped. "Oh. I see." This surprise seemed to make her even angrier. "He's still a padawan!" she shouted. "A knight and a padawan cannot be together -- it's against the Code! What part of that don't you understand?!" Her eyes became hard slits. "The Council could take Mara away from you, if you've already... with him," she hissed.

"No!" Qui-Gon was shocked that she could even imagine him capable of such a violation. "He doesn't know how I feel about him... yet."

Tahl tried to maintain what little dignity she had left. "So you're dissolving three years of what we had, on the off-chance that your padrin reciprocates your feelings for him?" She shook her head angrily. "That's the sickest, most idiotic thing I've ever heard. Maybe it is a good thing we're breaking up." She turned to walk out, but suddenly stopped in her tracks. "We're also no longer working together, but I suppose that's obvious," she said, not facing him.

Before Qui-Gon could explain that he'd told her first out of courtesy to her, she stormed out. Qui-Gon packed up his and Mara's belongings and requested a suite transfer to another part of the Temple.

An old Malastarean adage claims that misery loves company. For the first time since his Knighting, Qui-Gon was despondent and unsure of his future, although he tried his best to hide his emotions from the rest of the Temple. Unfortunately, having the most powerful Jedi in the Order as his former master meant that he couldn't hide from Yoda.

The little green knight found Qui-Gon sitting in another favorite spot, the smallest of the rock gardens.

"Hmmph. When 800 years old you are, pick softer places to sit, you will," Yoda grumped, though he easily jumped onto a large boulder to sit next to his giant of a padawan.

Qui-Gon ignored him, or attempted to, and simply stared at the pebbles on the ground. "Master, I appreciate your coming-"

"Loves you, he does," Yoda said, without preamble. "And waiting for you, he is."

Yoda always knew the right thing to say -- Qui-Gon felt as if he'd been punched in the stomach. "What?" he said, startled, his voice coming out as an embarrassing squeak. "You know?"

His master gazed up at him and gave him a warm smile. "Raised you both, Master Yaddle and I did," he said, smugly. "Knew before either of you." He sighed. "That, and came before the High Council, Knight Tahl did. Requested -- no, demanded -- a change of partners. Told us everything."

~Oh, no~ "Master, Xanatos and I haven't... he knows nothing of this, I've not even told him about-"

Yoda laughed, but the laughter was soft, and kind. "Qui-Gon, reckless you are, but jeopardize your padrin's career? Know you would not, I do."

Qui-Gon nodded, relieved. "So what do I do now?" he asked.

"A full Knight, Xanatos soon will be. Leaving his masters, he is, but not his padrin perhaps, hmmm?" Yoda added, his eyes twinkling. "Tell him." He punctuated this last part with jabs from his staff on Qui-Gon's thigh.

"Ow. It's up to me?" Qui-Gon asked, rubbing his leg. "Am I allowed to approach him first?"

"Afraid, he is. Allow him to know his feelings are returned, you must." Yoda replied.

"Allow him to know his feelings are returned," Qui-Gon repeated thoughtfully. It could work. He would make it work.

"But know this," Yoda added sternly, with more jabs to the thigh. "Wait you will, until after Xanatos's Knighting. A knight -- no, a master -- and a padawan, this I will not approve, not even for my own padawans."

Qui-Gon idly brushed the warning aside as he contemplated what kind of bruises he would have on his thigh tomorrow. He and Xanatos only needed to wait a few months. And while Xanatos might have some trouble controlling his libido -- Qui-Gon remembered himself at his padrin's age -- Qui-Gon was a full-fledged Jedi master. Control was something he knew, and excelled in.

"Yes, Master," he agreed. "I will make no sexual advances, nor encourage them from Xanatos, until he is a knight."

Hallomar

Qui-Gon stood on the balcony of their rented villa, staring up at the starry sky. On Hallomar for three days so far, he'd spent most of his time playing in the water with Mara and Xanatos, while Master Yaddle sat on the beach, smiling and enjoying a popular 'padbook.

Now that Qui-Gon thought more about it, she'd been smiling her secret smile ever since they had boarded their transport for this resort planet. Yoda obviously would have told her about Qui-Gon and Xanatos, but fortunately (and uncharacteristically, Qui-Gon thought) she'd kept out of it. She had mentioned to Xanatos -- within Qui-Gon's hearing -- about the break-up with Tahl, but never offered any details other than it had been very painful.

Xanatos hadn't been too upset about the news, Qui-Gon thought, although the boy did express concern that Mara might be adversely affected. Maybe Xanatos was happy over the split? He had to be. Qui-Gon had read enough of his padrin's journal entries to know how Xanatos felt about him.

Or had he? After that one time, Qui-Gon hadn't gone back, ashamed and more than a bit afraid of being found out. Xanatos would never forgive him over that breach of trust. But were there new entries now, ones where Xanatos would write about how his infatuation with his padrin was over?

Qui-Gon worriedly mulled over this new idea, not even hearing the light footfalls behind him-

"May I show you something?"

Force. Xanatos had snuck up behind him so quietly that Qui-Gon hadn't known he was there, although in all honesty he'd been so preoccupied that a bantha in a landspeeder could have snuck up behind him.

Qui-Gon smiled affectionately at his padrin. "Of course."

The boy came closer until they were nearly touching, and Qui-Gon stiffened involuntarily. But Xanatos only placed one arm around the taller man's waist, and the other lightly on his shoulder.

"Put your right arm around my waist, like I did," Xanatos instructed. "Then put your left arm on my shoulder, with the tips of your fingers loosely touching the back of my neck."

Qui-Gon chuckled. "You want to show me the Dantooine Waltz?"

"How did you know?" The boy was crestfallen. "I thought I would surprise you."

"Oh, it's a surprise all right." Qui-Gon laughed again. He placed his arms as directed and started leading his padrin through the waltz, moving in time to silent music. He smiled proudly. "You're not too bad, Xani."

"Not too bad? This is great!" Xanatos grinned. "The first time I did the Dantooine Waltz, I tripped and fell and took my partner down with me." He winced at the memory. "Sestine had a bruise on her shoulder for weeks."

They continued dancing, and it gradually occurred to Qui-Gon that he hadn't had to stoop or look down too far. The boy was definitely taller, and for the life of him, he couldn't remember when that had happened. And Xani's usually pale, smooth face was marred by... stubble? When had he started shaving? Force, but he had missed this boy, in more ways than one.

~More man than boy~ his inner voice corrected him.

Xanatos suddenly cut through the mental conversation. "I'm sorry about you and Tahl. Master Yaddle told me... you two broke up just before we came here."

"It's all right," Qui-Gon smiled weakly. "It wasn't your fault." ~Well, not directly, anyway~ he added silently.

Xanatos still looked pained. "Would you like to talk about it? Is there anything I can do?"

Qui-Gon stopped a moment and just looked at his padrin. ~Tell him now~ the nagging voice commanded. ~Tell him you love him~

He had read enough passages in Xanatos' journal to know that the boy was desperately in love with him. If only he still was...

"She just wasn't the right person for me."

~Coward~ his conscience sneered.

"Oh." Xanatos stopped dancing and frowned, pondering Qui-Gon's words. Qui-Gon and Tahl had been an acknowledged couple, even going so far as to share a suite, for the last three years. He had assumed, naturally, that they'd bond at some point. The idea that Qui-Gon hadn't considered her his lifemate was a startling thought. And would that mean that he might have a chance- no, of course not. Who was he kidding?

Qui-Gon winced inwardly and tried once more. "Tahl wasn't the right person for me... because there is another."

Xanatos avoided looking up at his tall padrin, but abruptly dropped his arms to his sides and went utterly still. It seemed as if he had even stopped breathing.

"Anyone I know?" he finally asked, a bit too nonchalantly.

Qui-Gon leaned down, trying to catch the young man's eyes. "I think you know him, yes," he said softly, smiling. He waited patiently for Xanatos to catch on.

But Xanatos wasn't catching on, perhaps understandably, given his youth and inexperience. He stared up at the taller man. "I'm very happy for you," he blurted, then turned away, ready to flee.

Qui-Gon grabbed the top of his padrin's arm. "Wait! What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" Xanatos barked out a bitter laugh. This was so hard, and he was risking humiliating himself. But better to get this off his chest than to sit in misery every time his padrin and his male lover came by to visit. "You left Tahl for another... a man..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "And it wasn't me."

"What? Xani, no. It is you." Qui-Gon stared at the young man incredulously. "Don't you understand? I left her for you." He halted, suddenly embarrassed. "That is, if you want me."

"You- and me?" Xanatos was beautifully radiant as the words slowly, finally, sank in. "You love me," he said in a reverent, hushed voice, as if he still couldn't quite wrap his mind around the idea. Was he dreaming? He'd waited all his life, it seemed, to hear those words from Qui-Gon; he couldn't believe he'd heard correctly.

"I've always loved you," Qui-Gon answered solemnly. "Now I'm telling you that I'm also in love with you." He stood quietly, waiting for a reaction.

What he got was even more than he'd hoped for. Xanatos burst into delighted laughter, whooping into the night sky, and threw his arms around the larger man, hugging him fiercely. "I never even let myself fantasize about this moment," the young man whispered, into his padrin's broad chest. "I was so afraid..."

"You never need to be afraid again," Qui-Gon vowed. He cupped Xanatos' chin with two fingers and tipped it up. "As long as you want me, you'll have me."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

"Then would you kiss me like you're in love with me?" Xanatos asked, smiling shyly.

Qui-Gon obliged enthusiastically -- he could never deny his padrin anything. Their lips touched tentatively at first -- awkward, light caresses -- as the two tried to find their rhythm. Then Xanatos boldly parted his mouth and flicked out his tongue, tacitly requesting permission to enter. Qui-Gon responded by taking his new lover's bottom lip and sucking on it gently, making the younger man moan deep in his throat. Then with the energy that only belonged to the young, Xanatos literally tried to climb up Qui-Gon's body, passionately devouring his new lover's mouth, arms locked around his neck in a stranglehold.

Force, it took all the strength Qui-Gon had to make his padrin slow down. He pulled away gently and carefully explained the policy laid down by their master, dutifully emphasizing the main rule: no sexual contact until Xanatos' Knighting. Master Yoda didn't even want them to show undue affection in public, lest it attract unwanted and/or excessive gossip. The transition from padawan to knight was to be as smooth as possible.

"Master Yoda can't look the other way if we violate his rule," Qui-Gon stressed.

"Why is it so bad? Will we be thrown out of the Order, or something?" Xanatos asked, a bit petulantly.

Qui-Gon stared at his padrin meaningfully. "Do you really want to find out?"

Although displeased at the thought of no sexual contact, Xanatos grudgingly agreed that their master was right, and promised to adhere to his policy. "So when I turn eighteen," he mused aloud. "That's only four months away..."

"No." Qui-Gon shook his head. "When you reach Knighthood. That's five months. Then we'll celebrate."

"Define 'celebrate,'" Xanatos said slyly.

"When I take you in my arms, place you gently onto the bed... and fuck you into a coma," Qui-Gon growled, smiling rather wickedly.

For perhaps the first time in his young life, Xanatos was speechless.

Things settled comfortably after Hallomar. Qui-Gon and Mara established themselves in a small padras suite, not too far from Xanatos and his masters. They saw each other almost every day when Qui-Gon was not on a mission, and when he was, Mara stayed with her master's masters anyway. After a while, Xanatos even became a sort of surrogate master to her, she was with him so often.

Thankfully, becoming a substitute master to Mara was the smoothest part. She adored her Xanatos already, and Qui-Gon carefully explained about the new changes in their lives, and what they meant:

"But why can't he move in now?" she wanted to know.

"He hasn't achieved Knighthood yet," Qui-Gon said slowly, kneeling down to her level. "All we have to do is wait a few months." He gave her a serious look. "And this isn't something we want known around the Temple, so it's a secret between us, all right, sweetheart?"

Mara's eyes grew wide. "Is it bad?"

"No, no." Xanatos also knelt, and took her hands into his much bigger ones. So far, she was taking the news quite calmly. As an almostsix, she was remarkably astute. He played with her still chubby fingers. "But your Master Qui-Gon and I would like to keep this to ourselves, at least until around the time of my Knighting." Even saying the words, Xanatos couldn't believe it. My Knighting.

"Oh. Okay." She looked up at both men with sudden understanding. "Is that why Master Qui-Gon kisses you different, Master Xan?"

Xanatos blinked, but Qui-Gon only chuckled and tweaked his padawan's nose. "She'll make quite a knight someday, won't she?" he proudly asked his mate-to-be.

Despite their confident handling of the "Mara Situation," as Qui-Gon called it, there was no getting around the fact that there was a significant gulf between their ages. At first, it was easy to dismiss -- Qui-Gon and Xanatos had known and loved each other for years -- but biology would not be undermined.

Being the hormonally charged teenager that he was, Xanatos was making it rather difficult for himself. He remained near the top of his class academically, and in public seemed cool and unaffected -- his old self. He had no agemates in whom he felt close enough to confide -- not even his good friend Ghani, who had since formed an apparently permanent relationship with Padawan Ketrin Stoa -- so no one knew about this new relationship. He and Qui-Gon often appeared together in public, true, but they were padrins and were together often, anyway.

Their private time, however, was another story. Master Yoda hadn't specifically banned kissing, and Xanatos, although thrilled with the fact that he was kissing his future lover (his lover!), soon became discontent. His logical mind understood, and even agreed with, his master's edict, but his body longed for more.

And that was the problem, mused Qui-Gon to himself, as he turned over for what seemed to be the hundredth time tonight. Xanatos kept pushing for more contact, looking for 'loopholes' in their master's stated policy, and Qui-Gon was quickly becoming tired of playing the responsible adult.

He turned onto his side as he thought of the last words they had spoken to each other that day.

"Master Yoda never said we couldn't take baths together," Xanatos said, smiling wickedly.

Tired of explaining how simply being in the room with his padrin sorely tested his self-control, Qui-Gon became brusque. "No, he didn't," he agreed curtly. "But we're still not going to do it, and that's final."

To Qui-Gon's dismay, Xanatos grew quiet. "I'm sorry," the younger man said. "I won't bother you anymore." With that, he turned and fled.

"No, wait! You're not bothering-"

But he was gone, and Qui-Gon hadn't seen him for the rest of the day, and repeated attempts to comm him had caused Master Yaddle to finally suggest that they spend some time away from each other. "Have the rest of your lives, you do," she said gently. "When ready he is, he will come back to you."

"Not even bonded, and already we're fighting," Qui-Gon said glumly.

"Like padawan, like master," Yaddle said cryptically, as she gave another warm smile.

So Qui-Gon spent a quiet night with his padawan, and after giving Mara her bath and tucking her into bed, he retired to his own room.

"Deal with it tomorrow..." he thought aloud, before finally slipping into sleep.

Qui-Gon dreamed.

Of Xanatos between his legs, beautifully naked and sweetly eager, taking his rock-hard cock into his warm, wonderful mouth. Qui-Gon groaned slightly in his sleep and spread his legs wider. Oh, that the reality would feel this good. His padrin, despite his inexperience, was carefully and lovingly running his tongue over the slit, then down toward the base, nipping and licking at the skin as he went.

Qui-Gon's head tossed back and forth as his dream grew more intense: Xanatos was now gamely trying to take the whole length into his mouth, and the tight, slick heat was driving him crazy. He could almost hear the wet sucking noises and the murmurs of appreciation coming from the younger man.

"Force... Xan... you feel so good... yes... that's it," Qui-Gon moaned, and started to lightly thrash about.

Ah, it'd been so long. Too long. He was so close...

He placed his hand down by his groin, intending to touch himself, when he encountered a hard, hairy, round object, with something hanging off it to one side, tickling his inner thigh. What the-

"Ow!"

Qui-Gon sat up with a yelp. "Xan!?"

Then arched back as the younger man determinedly continued his attentions on a very sensitive spot. As horrified as he was, Qui-Gon was by now too far gone to care, and that suspicious, niggling inner voice told him that he had secretly wanted the responsibility taken off his hands, anyway. With every muscle tense and screaming, and with a guilty joy singing in his heart, he came explosively into Xanatos' waiting mouth.

He sat up as soon as he was physically able to glare at his troublesome padawan lover. In the cityglow, he could see that Xanatos really was completely nude, his black hair shining, and still settled between his legs.

And looking decidedly pleased with himself.

As Qui-Gon silently watched in stunned disbelief, Xanatos licked his lips slowly. There was a small bit of semen in the corner of his mouth, and the pink tip of his tongue shot out to capture it.

"Did you like that?" he purred smugly. More licking of lips. "Yes, I can see that you did. Or taste, rather." He grinned.

Qui-Gon was caught between fury and amusement. Fury, born of fear and frustration, won. "What are you doing here?" he demanded.

Xanatos frowned. "I wanted to apologize for yesterday. I thought you liked it-"

"That's not the point! You're not supposed to be here." Qui-Gon crossed his powerful arms. "You need to leave. Right now. Wise Arca, Xani, I can't believe you would do something as stupid as this. What will you do when Master finds out? Because he will."

"Please, it's all right..." his lover pleaded from his place in the middle of Qui-Gon's rumpled bed. His bed -- Force, would either of them survive to see it become 'their' bed? "The High Council is in session, and will be for another four hours. He'll never know. I never would've come if they were home-"

"So you wait until they're not home, then sneak out like some... horny teenager?" Qui-Gon stopped. It was exactly what his padrin was, after all. He sighed and ran a large hand over his eyes. "Maybe this was a mistake."

"No!" Xanatos stared at him. "You can't mean that." He got to his knees and quickly groped around in the semidarkness for his clothes. "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again, unless you want it to. Just don't say that we're a mistake. Please..." A soft sob hitched in his throat, and his search became frantic -- he wasn't seeing what was in front of him.

"Xani, wait." Qui-Gon leaned down to still his panicky young lover, and pulled him close. Xanatos squirmed to get away, but Qui-Gon just held on tighter. He lay Xanatos back down and stretched out beside him, hoping that the renewed intimacy would reassure the boy-

~Not a boy, but a man~ he forcibly reminded himself. ~He's a young man, now...~

And oh, how he wanted this particular young man. "Xani, I still love you. I couldn't stop loving you, even if I wanted to. But you're making it very difficult for us to stay together. We've talked about this before, remember?"

His padrin was gloomy. "But I want you so badly." His hand reached up to shyly touch Qui-Gon's chest, his face hidden in the shadows.

"I know," Qui-Gon answered. He felt his skin prickle at the other man's heartfelt confession, and savagely squashed his libido down. "I feel the same way." He gathered the smaller palm into his own, and held it to him, partially for reassurance and partially to prevent any errant touches in sensitive areas. He was only human, after all...

"But I'm the stupid child, and you're the all-knowing adult."

"No. I'm the all-knowing adult, and you're the impatient adult. I never would have told you how I felt if I'd still considered you a child, Xan. But we both have to wait. We promised Master we would."

At the mention of Master Yoda, Xanatos grew silent. "You're not really all-knowing," he finally mumbled.

"I love you, Xani," Qui-Gon grinned, and bent down to nuzzle the other man's neck. Since they were in this position anyway, he would indulge himself with this short, intimate contact. Xanatos had declared long ago that he would grow his hair long, like his padrin, and the hair had already grown long enough to tickle. He would have no more haircuts from now on, since he was so close to his Knighting.

But not yet close enough.

"Qui-Gon, oh... Sith hells, you keep doing that and I'll have to jump you," Xanatos complained, even as he leaned into his lover's touch.

With a sigh, Qui-Gon rolled away from the other man and off the bed. "I'm sorry. You're right. But do you believe me when I say I want you just as badly as you want me?" He stood, trying to find his Firrerrean silk sleep shorts. With a pang, he remembered that they had been a present from Tahl. He put them on quickly and held out his hand.

Xanatos took it and hauled himself out of bed. The momentum of the movement carried him into his lover's arms, and they stood there, simply holding each other, until Xanatos reluctantly pulled away. "I'd better go," he said unsteadily. "I'll tell Master Yoda what I did, and beg his forgiveness. Hopefully, my punishment won't be too severe." He gave a sheepish grin, and looked heartbreakingly young.

Qui-Gon took hold of both his padrin's hands. "I'll go and wait for Master Yoda with you. We'll talk to him together. I'm not going to let you face this alone." He dropped one of Xanatos' hands to run his fingers through his lover's short hair, and stroked the long thin braid that hung over his right shoulder. "I'd be lying if I said I tried to stop you. It's my fault as well."

"I'm not going to make it to my Knighthood," Xanatos said plaintively. "I'm going to explode from frustrated sexual desire." He looked down at his hand. "Aren't you tired of playing with yourself?"

Qui-Gon bit back the urge to laugh. "Meditate, Xani, meditate. It helps."

END