Disclaimer: Disclaimer: I don't own them, they belong to the
Mighty Lucas. I'll put 'em back, promise.
Author's note: This is the fourth story in this series, which
began with 'An Invasion of Privacy,' and continued in 'A Wicked
Intention' and 'Lessons Learned'. So for all of you who have
stayed with it, thank you. No serious warnings for this one,
there are a few references to the JA novels, but I don't
believe that there are any spoilers.
I owe a great deal of gratitude to Lilith, who skillfully saved
me from myself with a fantastic beta. This story did a complete
U-turn thanks to her comments and is infinitely better. Trust
me.
Alone in his quarters with only a tiny bit of artificial light
from nighttime Coruscant filtering in through the curtains,
Obi-Wan Kenobi was on his bed, lying on his back and staring up
at the ceiling. His ceiling, like the walls, was painted white
and there was a spidery, barely visible crack in the paint,
running across one corner. It was the crack that he was looking
at, his eyes tracing one thin line, moving on to the next until
he came to the end, and then he retraced it, reciting the Code
silently over and over as he lay there and tried not to think.
It had been three days now since...since that night and the
morning after. Three days since his mistake. Any physical
discomfort had vanished by the end of the first day; it was his
inner wounds that wouldn't heal, that festered with an
infection that he couldn't purge. Three days, since he'd lost
his master.
Oh, Qui-Gon was still there, still on Coruscant and even still
in his quarters, so far as Obi-Wan knew. But for all the
comfort his empty presence offered he might as well have left
the planet and Obi-Wan was beginning to despair that anything
would ever be right again.
Outwardly, they were polite, serene even. Lessons continued as
normal and anyone seeing them in passing would never guess that
anything was amiss. It was only when they were alone and the
silence stretched until it was unbearable and Obi-Wan would
mumble a feeble excuse and flee to the relative safety of his
room, that the sense of wrongness became apparent.
There was a shadow that was cast between them, one that
circumvented any affection or friendship or even the more
sterile master/apprentice bond. A barrier that Obi-Wan didn't
know how to breach, as he was part of its cause.
For the most part Obi-Wan had been desperately ignoring it, as
if by denying its existence then perhaps it would eventually
disappear. For the past three days he had been exhausting
himself, trying to be as perfect as he possibly could,
anticipating anything his Master needed, excelling in all his
training exercises.
He might as well not have bothered for all that Qui-Gon
noticed. His master wasn't truly cold or cruel; he was
just...distant. When he spoke his words had a vague, detached
sound to them, as if he was unaware that he was even speaking.
It was strangely unnerving for Obi-Wan to hear Qui-Gon this
way. Obi- Wan had become so agitated in his master's presence
that the previous morning he had managed to spill an entire cup
of steaming hot tea directly onto Qui-Gon's lap. Horrified
words of apology had died away, unspoken, when Qui-Gon hardly
seemed to notice. He had simply stood and gone to change his
clothes, almost absently, as if he didn't even feel the burn
that Obi-Wan knew the tea must have caused.
Lying here in the dark, alone, Obi-wan was truly afraid in a
way he had not been in a very long time. Afraid that maybe,
just maybe, this injury could not be healed.
But fear leads to anger...he chanted silently, staring
determinedly up at the white ceiling, already resolving to
redouble his efforts tomorrow. He had caused this and he was
going to fix it, no matter what it took.
Snagging a lunch tray in passing, Thian walked quickly towards
the corner table where he was delighted to see his friend
already sitting.
His teaching schedule had kept him too busy to see Obi-Wan for
the past couple of days but that was all right. Obi-Wan had
probably been keeping quite busy too, he thought with a private
smirk.
Setting his tray on the table, Thian opened his mouth but his
words of greeting faded into silence as he got a good look at
his friend.
Obi-Wan hadn't even attempted to contact Thian these past few
days, but Thian hadn't worried much. Thian had rather assumed
that he and Qui-Gon had gone back to their rooms and had been
fucking like minks, all other concerns and people forgotten.
Not that Thian could blame them.
One look at Obi-Wan, however, made it clear that this was not
the case. There was an ashen quality to his face and his eyes
had a bruised look to them that spoke of a lack of sleep.
Obi-Wan threw him a questioning look and Thian realized he was
still standing and was actually gaping at his friend. He shut
his mouth with a click and quickly settled into his chair,
giving Obi-Wan a brilliant smile.
"Hey, Obi, how are you doing?" he asked brightly, flashing
another 100- watt smile, trying to cover his earlier gaffe.
"I'm fine." Obi-Wan continued to eat calmly, as if he wasn't
sitting there looking pale as death.
Like hell you are. "Really?" Thian replied, all polite
interest. "And how is Master Qui-Gon doing?"
Obi-Wan's fork stopped midway to his mouth. He set it carefully
on his plate before looking up at his friend seriously. "Thian,
don't."
"Obi-Wan, what is going on?" Dropping all pretenses, Thian
reached over and touched his friend's hand, starting when
Obi-Wan flinched away. "Obi-Wan, talk to me," he urged softly.
"Thian, I can deal with this myself." Thian's eyes widened at
Obi-Wan's sharp words and Obi-Wan made an effort to soften his
tone. "It's my problem, not yours."
Before Thian could protest that this was very much his problem,
Obi-Wan leaned forward and said softly, urgently, "Thian, I
mean it. Let it go. We've caused quite enough trouble with
this. I just want to forget it ever happened. All right?"
In truth, that was the last thing that Thian intended to do but
at the moment he simply nodded agreement. "If that's what you
want, Obi. I won't mention it to you again."
"Thank you." He gave Thian a weak smile, "You did say that if I
blew it, it would be my ass on the line." Then his expression
grew serious again he was quiet a long moment before asking
softly, "Thian, just one thing. That morning after
he...afterward. What did he say to you? He whispered something
that I couldn't hear, what did he say?"
Thian blinked, hesitating, but something about his friend's
eyes made him answer "He said for me not to worry. He said that
everything would be all right."
Obi-Wan's eyes dulled. Thian saw it with a growing sense of
uneasiness just before his friend closed his eyes and stood.
"Again, thank you. I have to get to class, Thi, I'll talk to
you later." He turned and walked quickly away and Thian watched
him, his own food forgotten.
"Yes, we most definitely will be talking later," he said under
his breath, "and until then, there is someone else I'd like to
have a conversation with as well." He'd only promised he
wouldn't talk about it with Obi-Wan, after all.
In his quarters, Qui-Gon was on the room monitor researching
the political status of the planet Naloone, where had already
been informed that he and Obi-Wan would be sent after their
vacation was over.
Obi-Wan. Where was that boy? Qui-Gon didn't know; he wasn't in
their quarters, had he sent him on an errand? No, wait, Obi-Wan
was taking a few classes while they were on Coruscant. Qui-Gon
had simply forgotten. He was simply forgetting a lot of things
lately and that worried him a little, but not much. Things
would be better when they finally got back to work.
Still, there was a tiny ache inside him when he thought of
Obi-Wan. A tiny ache deep within that he was resolutely
ignoring.
Qui-Gon vaguely heard something and it took him a moment to
realize that someone was pounding on the door and had been for
some time now but getting up seemed to be far too much effort.
"It's open," he called and the door clicked. A moment later the
last person on Coruscant that Qui-Gon wanted to see walked into
his living room. He spared a glance at the young man and then
ignored him.
"What is going on!" Thian burst out, radiating anger.
Qui-Gon didn't even turn around, focusing his attention on the
screen in front of him. "You should remember your place,
Padawan B'lain."
"Fuck my 'place'," he snapped, "I think we're all far beyond
that. And I asked you a question! Obi-Wan is walking around
looking like he hasn't slept in days and..." he paused, his
eyes narrowing as he really looked at the Jedi master. "And you
don't look that great either."
Thian flopped down on the sofa, glaring at Qui-Gon's back. "I
don't understand this," he said softly, almost speaking to
himself. "You said that everything would be all right. I really
thought you cared about him or I would never...Force, this is
all my fault."
He rubbed his temples tiredly. "Look, I don't know what
happened or what Obi-Wan told you, but..." Thian took a deep
breath. This was entirely his fault, he knew, the very least he
could do was try to set it right. "It was all my idea," he
blurted out.
No response and he hastily continued. "I mean, I knew that Obi
had been pining after you for a long time and I thought that
maybe if you had something to be a little jealous of you might,
well, you know. So I persuaded him into having sex with me
where we knew you'd be able to feel it."
"We didn't expect you to watch, that was kind of a bonus. But
it also made Obi-Wan think that maybe he had a chance and
then...things just sort of escalated. We didn't mean to...next
time I'll just keep my big mouth shut." Thian rubbed his eyes
wearily, smearing wetness that he refused to acknowledge.
Qui-Gon was sitting statue-still at the monitor, obviously
listening but giving no sign of his thoughts.
"I was wrong, wasn't I?" Very quietly, sadly. "You really don't
care about him. If you did you wouldn't be treating him this
way."
"And how would you have me treat him!" It was like an
explosion; Qui- Gon stood quickly enough to knock his chair
backwards, stalking over to tower over Thian, who was still
sitting on the sofa. Thian flinched but didn't back down. He
stared defiantly at the so abruptly enraged man before him.
Qui-Gon backed down first, raking his fingers painfully hard
through his hair. "How am I suppose to treat him? He -used- me
to get what he wanted with no concern at all for my feelings.
Should I be pleased? Perhaps you would like for me to offer him
praise because he could so easily trick a full Master, is that
it?"
He was close to shouting now, radiating anger and betrayal of a
magnitude that Thian had never felt before. "He manipulated me
just like..." Qui-Gon pulled up short on those words, abruptly
reeling his wayward emotions inward and completely closing
himself off.
Thian's expression was one of utter shock. "Are you even
listening to yourself?" he whispered, his wide eyes never
leaving Qui-Gon's still form. Qui-Gon had wrapped his arms
around himself and turned away, not looking at the young man.
"Used you? Manipulated you? Didn't you hear a word I said? For
some reason that I can't understand at this particular moment,
Obi-Wan loves you."
Qui-Gon's entire body stiffened at those words and he turned to
look at Thian silently.
"He acts as if Coruscant revolves around you, for Force's sake!
He may have manipulated you a tiny bit but no one made you come
to me and certainly no one made you stay." Qui-Gon's face
tightened at that bit of truth but he said nothing. "This isn't
even about Obi-Wan," he said with dawning awareness, "Is it?"
No reply and Thian could have growled in frustration. "Look, I
don't know who or what this is all about and I really don't
care. All I'm worried about right at this moment is Obi- Wan. I
-do- care about him and so do you," he paused, then added
softly, "At least I thought you did," and felt a bit of mean
satisfaction at Qui-Gon's sudden flinch but quickly set it
aside. His personal feelings of anger over Qui-Gon's betrayal
would have to be dealt with later.
"He's hurting, Master Qui-Gon." His voice was gentle now,
persuading. "Really and truly hurting. I mean, look at him when
he comes home...just really look at him. I think," he hesitated
and then plunged on, "I think you owe him that much. Don't
you?" Thian looked at Qui-Gon's face searchingly, trying to
find even a trace of the warmth that he knew was buried under
his hard demeanor.
Something flickered in Qui-Gon's eyes before he closed them.
"All right," he said quietly.
That would have to be enough. Thian bowed low to the Master,
reassuming the mantle of Jedi apprentice and Qui-Gon returned
the bow. Without another word or glance Thian turned and walked
out the door, feeling as if he needed to sleep for perhaps a
hundred years. And he wasn't even really a part of this and he
never had been, he knew that. Despite what he had done and what
he had allowed to be done to and with him, a part of Thian had
always been standing outside of this like, a silent observer,
and now he was relieved to finally be allowed an escape.
He'd done all he could, Thian decided tiredly, and more than
could really be expected of him, and he walked on, determined
to find first his quarters and then his bed despite the early
hour.
Qui-Gon remained standing where Thian had left him. His eyes
tripped idly over the room. It was spotless; Obi-Wan had taken
to tidying up several times a day, going out of his way to do
as Qui-Gon said and what he hadn't said as well.
Trying to make amends, Qui-Gon realized suddenly and the
thought started the tiny ache within him throbbing. He pushed
it back down, hard. As well that Obi-Wan should be, came the
nearly savage thought, this was his fault. Obi-Wan wasn't the
one who had been deceived, Obi- Wan was the one who had lied
and manipulated just like...
Just like Xanatos.
When had he started comparing Obi-Wan to Xanatos? Obi-Wan was
nothing like Xanatos, nothing. Where Xanatos had been selfish,
Obi-Wan was compassionate. Xanatos had been boastful and
egotistical while Obi-Wan had a calm confidence that came from
knowing his limits and respecting them. Obi-Wan was loyal
almost to a fault to what he believed in. Qui- Gon doubted that
Xanatos had ever believed in anything but himself. Comparing
the two was like comparing a weed to a century bloom. But that
was just what he'd done.
He stumbled backwards in a daze to lean against the wall,
almost falling. Some part of his mind was begging for him to
stop, to not think about this, that Xanatos was long ago and
need not be remembered. Qui-Gon ignored it, he had been hiding
from this, from himself, for days but now that he had freed his
thoughts they wouldn't be held back, tumbling out in a blur of
memory and realization. He'd thought that he'd put Xanatos far
behind him and only now did he see how wrong he was.
Qui-Gon forced himself to remember that night with Obi-Wan and
Thian. On some level he'd known it was Obi-Wan from the
beginning. Of course he'd known. He knew his Padawan's Force
signature as well as he knew his own. He just wouldn't allow
himself to believe, had convinced himself for a time that it
was a stranger that he was touching and taking such pleasure
in.
Because if he admitted it was Obi-Wan then he would have to
admit that he did want the young man and such wanting between
people who were already close could change into something else.
The heat of passion and tenderness sometimes melted into
something more permanent. Sometimes it could shift and
metamorphose into love. And love he wouldn't risk no matter how
much he wanted Obi-Wan, not that kind of love. Because that
love hurt.
Xanatos had taught him that.
He remembered the warm contentment he'd felt when he had awoken
with Obi-Wan in his arms. He had been at peace then, still
sleepy and more than a little in love already. Until he'd had a
chance to think and then ugliness had risen in him, reminding
him of another boy he had trusted.
Is that why he had made Obi-Wan watch him with Thian? To punish
him? Qui-Gon remembered his inner pleasure at Obi-Wan's anger
and jealousy. He had -wanted- Obi-Wan to be jealous. Why?
He pushed away from the wall, pacing restlessly around the
room. He didn't want to think about this anymore. He wanted to
just set it aside as he had been, into a dark little corner of
his mind where he could ignore it. But his thoughts wouldn't
leave it alone. They picked at it like a scab until it was
again bleeding and forced him to see the obvious.
He had wanted Obi-Wan to be jealous because Xanatos hadn't
been. Because if Obi-Wan had been then maybe Obi-Wan might
really loved him.
But Obi-Wan didn't love him, he'd said so, he'd said that he
had only wanted him, it had only been sex and he'd laughed. No,
no that had been Xanatos. Xanatos had told him not to be such a
fool, that it was just sex, not Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan hadn't laughed
at him, Obi-Wan hadn't hurt him, but Xanatos had. And Qui-Gon
had been unable to hide his shame and pain and Xanatos had
laughed and laughed and Qui-Gon had just wanted to hurt him, to
punish him somehow, to just make him stop and if all Xanatos
had wanted was sex then that was what he would get. No, that
was wrong, he hadn't punished Xanatos. Xanatos had left. He had
punished...
He had punished Obi-Wan.
Qui-Gon stopped pacing abruptly, standing perfectly still in
the center of the room. Long minutes passed as he just stood
there with that one realization echoing through his head again
and again. Then he raised his trembling hands up to his face
and the spell was broken. What had he done?
He had been right. That kind of love did hurt and it was not a
lesson that he had ever wanted to pass on. But he had. Memories
of that morning days before came back to him and he covered his
face with his hands in despair. By the Force, what had he done?
The walk back to his quarters always seemed longer to Obi-Wan
after a long workout but today he didn't really mind. In fact,
he was very nearly dawdling, drawing out the walk as long as he
could. Qui-Gon would be home by now and tonight would be
another endless evening of silence and discomfort as they both
hid behind the distance that was growing between them.
The door to their quarters finally appeared before him and
Obi-Wan hesitated in front of it, then leaned against it,
resting his forehead against the cool metal.
This wasn't working, he admitted silently. He couldn't keep up
this pretense any longer. One of them was going to have break
the silence and it didn't look like it was going to be Qui-Gon.
They were going to have a long talk tonight, Obi-Wan decided
with sudden determination, and if they couldn't deal with this
then he would ask Qui-Gon to have him assigned to another
master. The very thought made his eyes burn but it might be
better for both of them.
He made himself open the door and walk in and found his Master
standing in the middle of the room. Shields completely gone, he
was radiating a kind of misery that Obi-Wan had never felt from
him, never even thought his master could feel.
He stood awkwardly in the doorway, unsure as to whether he
should go or stay. The decision was taken from his hands when
Qui-Gon spoke, the words muffled by his hands.
"Padawan, please come in." A hesitation and Qui-Gon lowered his
hands, looking at Obi-Wan with reddened eyes. "I think it's
past time that we talked."
Obi-Wan wet his lips and nearly spoke but words wouldn't come.
Instead, he nodded and walked into the living area, sitting
down on the sofa. He waited for Qui-Gon to take the chair next
to him and was startled when he instead knelt down at Obi-Wan's
feet. He took one of Obi-Wan's hands and held it between both
of his own, looking up at his Padawan so seriously that Obi-Wan
felt a horrible stab of fear that perhaps Qui- Gon had already
decided they should separate. I can deal with that, he told
himself, I can deal with it if he have to, but already it hurt
more than Obi-Wan could have explained and he knew that this
pain was just the beginning. Braced as he was for his master's
words he still couldn't contain his shock when they came.
"I feel as if I have done such a...a grave injury to you that
to apologize or even to beg for your forgiveness would be the
worst of insults."
Obi-Wan gaped at him openly but when he would have spoken,
Qui-Gon interrupted. "No, please, Obi-Wan, let me finish. I
can't excuse my actions; nothing could do that, but at the very
least you deserve an explanation." He gave a short, harsh
laugh. "You deserve more than that but I'm afraid an
explanation is all I can offer. Will you allow me that?" Deep
blue eyes searched Obi-Wan's face and he nodded slowly, unsure
as to why his master was doing this but wanting to hear all the
same.
Qui-Gon took a deep breath and then gave his Padawan something
that he had never before offered. Layer by layer, he slowly
lowered every mental shield that he had and allowed Obi-Wan
complete access to his memories. The young man's mind touch was
tentative at first and the warm/spicy/sweet sense that was
Obi-Wan slowly filled him. Qui-Gon opened up his memories,
wincing at the old pain in spite of himself as he showed
Obi-Wan...
...Xanatos, smiling, laying a hand on Qui-Gon's arm and looking
at him with a shy, nearly flirtatious smile that Qui-Gon
pretended not to see...
...Xanatos, kissing, coaxing, touching. Qui-Gon and Xanatos
coupling frantically, slowly, on Coruscant, on missions...
...Xanatos laughing, shaking with laughter, nearly screaming
with it as he wonders aloud how anyone could have assumed that
it was more than just sex. Qui-Gon stares at him, his face
white and still as he watches Xanatos laugh and laugh...
...Xanatos, face distorted with rage, screaming, every bitter
word like a dull blade but Qui-Gon remains impassive, not
allowing Xanatos access to his pain, never again...
And then it was over and Obi-Wan reeled back into his own mind,
shocked at what he had seen. The pain from Qui-Gon's memories
mingled with his pain from the past days and left Obi-Wan
speechless, able to do little more than breathe as he struggled
to understand this. It was Qui-Gon who finally broke the
silence.
"I really loved him." Spoken so softly, hardly more than
Qui-Gon's lips moving but Obi-Wan heard it as if it were a
shout. Before he could say anything Qui-Gon shook his head with
a bitter laugh. "No, that's not true, I loved who I thought he
was."
"He used you." Suddenly Qui-Gon's reaction to what Obi-Wan had
done made a great deal more sense and Obi-Wan wanted to cringe
inwardly. He had done almost exactly the same thing Xanatos had
done, no wonder Qui- Gon had been so angry, so hurt. They were
both still completely opened to each other, emotions laid bare
and Qui-Gon caught that thought before Obi-Wan even thought to
shield it.
"No! No, Obi-Wan, it was nothing like Xanatos. It wasn't right
but it was not like that." He reached up and cupped Obi-Wan's
cheek and the young man leaned into the touch, eyes locked on
his master's.
"Xanatos was nothing that he appeared to be. He used me because
he wanted power over me. I knew that wasn't what you had done,
I -knew- it and what I did to you..."
He didn't cry. Only one damp line traced a path down his cheek
but it seemed to Obi-Wan that every word his master spoke had
been a tear. A tear for what he had believed, for what he'd
lost, for what he'd done and Obi-Wan couldn't listen anymore to
that kind of weeping. He pressed a gentle finger against
Qui-Gon's lips, silencing him.
Qui-Gon shook it off. "No, I need to say this." He laughed
again, a tight, pained sound that made something within Obi-Wan
twist sharply. "It's ironic, I was so upset about what Xanatos
had done to me and then I turn around and do something worse to
you."
Obi-Wan shook his head, needing to say -something-. "Master, it
wasn't like that."
"Wasn't it?" Skepticism shadowed with shame and pain showed on
Qui- Gon's face. "I think it was. I forced you into something
and ignored the fact that you didn't really want it."
Obi-Wan was near tears himself now. "Master, I could have
stopped you. I could have. I -should- have. I just thought..."
He broke off, strangling on the words.
"What? You thought what?" Very softly, seriously. "You thought
you had to do what I told you because I am your master."
Obi-Wan said nothing and Qui-Gon closed his eyes and took a
deep breath. "Obi-Wan, I realize that I am too late in saying
this but you never have to accept anything like that, not even
from me."
Obi-Wan shook his head, words refusing to come. That hadn't
been it, not all of it. He'd just thought if he did as Qui-Gon
asked then maybe everything would be all right and they could
at least go back to the way they had been before. It seemed
that he had been wrong again.
"Stop that!" Obi-Wan flinched at Qui-Gon's near shout and
Qui-Gon shook him gently. "Would you stop blaming yourself for
this? I'm as much to blame or more so than you."
They were both shaking by now, and Qui-Gon raised a hand again
to his face, noting vaguely that it was trembling, and massaged
his temples. How was he to set this right?
"Master?" Then a firmer tone, "Qui-Gon? I think, no, I -know-
that we've both behaved very badly over the past few days and
that my manipulating you pushed you into doing...what you did."
Qui-Gon started to protest but Obi-Wan cut him off. "You had
your say, dammit, now let me have mine!" Qui-Gon fell silent,
waiting, and Obi-wan continued, slowly. "I think we both need
some time to deal with this. It's still too fresh in our minds.
Am I making sense?" Qui-Gon nodded slightly and Obi-Wan smiled
then, weakly, but a smile nonetheless. "I just...I don't want
to give up on this, I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either, Padawan." Hoarsely, and
Qui-Gon swallowed thickly, fighting back tears again when
Obi-Wan leaned down and hesitantly wrapped his arms around
Qui-Gon's shoulders. He slid his own arms around Obi-Wan's
waist and pressed his face against his Padawan's tunics and
finally gave in, letting the tears flow silently to be absorbed
in the thick fabric and if Obi-Wan noticed he was kind enough
not to say.
-finis-
Note: I fully intended to end it with this one and Lilith will
vouch for me, I'm sure. But the characters refused to cooperate
so I'm assuming there will be another one, as soon as I figure
out what happens next. ;)
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